Test of Time
by Shippo704
Summary: Allen Walker is a lonely boy who wants friends, but at the same time can't stand to have any friends or people get close to him. AU and some OOCness. No pairings, only friendship. Suicide themes, angst, and possible sexual themes later on. M to be safe.
1. Prologue

**A/N**: If you don't like angst, don't read this. There will be angst and plenty of it. This includes self-harm, suicidal intentions, and all the like. Also, all relationships in this are meant to be friendly or parental, depending on context. This means no romance unless it is specifically mentioned as such. I don't plan to write any romance into this fic, but you never know what will happen in the end. There will also be some OOCness, especially in the beginning. I'll try to get them more into character as the story progresses. Let's see how this goes. Ready or not, let's give this a shot. ;)

**Notice**: Set in current time. AU I guess. Angst to come. Some OOCness, especially at the beginning. Some swearing, there will be more in later chapters. Don't like it, don't read it. I'm trying to warn you now.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own D. Gray-Man. I wouldn't be posting a fanfic if I owned it.

* * *

**Prologue**

* * *

_September, 1999_

"Hello, what's your name?" asked a young boy, noticing a small red-haired boy playing in the dirt. He was tired of kicking his ball around and wanted to see if this boy would be any fun.

"My name is Allen, what's yours?" a young Allen replied, looking up from his dirt.

"I'm Daisya. I like kicking things. Especially balls. It's really fun!" said Daisya.

"Is it? Can I kick the ball with you?" asked Allen.

"Yes you can. Kicking a ball is always more fun when you have lots of people to kick it with you. Especially with friends like me and you. You know what? I've seen big kids playing like this too, only they didn't call it ball-kicking, they called it soccer. I think I want to try it that way. Do you know how to play soccer?" Daisya asked.

"Umm, I think you try to kick the ball into the other person's net. The more you kick it in the net, the better you play." Allen replied.

"That sounds like lots of fun! Come on, let's play!" said Daisya as he grabbed Allen and his ball and dragged them with him as he ran across the playground's field to the grassy patch.

Allen smiled. He said he wanted to be my friend. This is what a friend is like. I think I like my friend. Friends seem like a good thing. Why didn't I have friends before? Daisya is very nice because he wants to be a friends with me. I'm very happy. I should tell Mr. Cross later. He will be happy too now that I have a friend.

_After school_

"Mr. Cross! Guess what happened at school today!" exclaimed a very happy Allen.

"I don't care. Go away." said Cross.

"I made a friend. His name is Daisya and he likes soccer and h-" said Allen.

"I said that I DON'T CARE! Why didn't you understand me the first time! I thought you were smarter than that. Ah, well. Can't expect too much of a five-, soon-to-be six-year-old. Why don't you just grow up already?" said Cross.

"I-I-I'm sorry Mr. Cross. I-I th-thought you would be h-h-happy. I-I d-didn't t-try to make you m-m-mad a-at me. I w-wanted to see you b-be h-happy." said Allen, trying not to cry.

"Shut up. Don't cry to me just because I shouted at you. Why would you apologize. Just go upstairs and wait for dinner." said Cross.

"O-Okay Mr. Cross." said Allen as he walked up the stairs to his bedroom. When he got there he sat in his bed and hugged the toy he got for his birthday last year. Cross won it in a bingo game and hadn't wanted it, so Allen took it when he wasn't watching. Cross didn't seem to notice that it was gone, or didn't care at any rate. It was a big golden ball with wings and a tail and a light cross shape on the front, where it's face would be if it had one. Allen called it Timcampy.

Timcampy is the only one in the world who likes me. I can talk to him about anything and he doesn't shout at me or tell me to go away or try to hurt me like Mr. Cross. Tim is my best friend. Tim is my only friend and I love him very very much. I don't want to leave Timcampy behind ever again. But Tim can't come to school with me. My teachers said no. I don't want to be alone anymore.

"Do you like me Tim?" Allen asked Timcampy as he hugged him tight, tears slowly leaking out of the corners of his eyes. "I don't know if anyone should like me. Mr. Cross doesn't think that I can do anything good. Or he wouldn't shout at me all the time, right? I try and work for him and do lots of chores and I tried making food and I tried making some money for him by doing chores but I can't do anything good enough. I want him to be happy with me. Why can't I make him be happy with me? Am I really very bad? Am I?"

Allen squeezed Timcampy tighter and cried for a while, letting the silence in the room take over his mind while he calmed down.

"Ow. Crying makes my head hurt. And I forgot about Daisya. He said he wanted to be my friend. Maybe I am not very bad. Maybe if I try hard enough I can be good and Mr. Cross can be happy. Mana always told me to keep walking..." said Allen, tears once again falling as he remembered Mana. "Mana, I wish you were here. I like you much better than I like Mr. Cross. Why can't you come back? I miss you."

Only his tears and Timcampy were there to keep him company as the salty drops of water slipped through his eyelids and stained his pillow. "Mana..." Allen whispered into his sheets as he drifted off to sleep. Mr. Cross must have forgotten about dinner, or maybe he forgot me.

* * *

_January, 2002_

"You really want to play with me Tyki? You want me to help you make snowmen with Road and Earl and make little snow forts and snow angels outside? At recess? Are you sure? You really want me to help you?" said a young Allen, very excited to have someone want to play with him. He and Daisya didn't really play together very much after a week or two. Allen got bored of soccer fairly quickly, and soccer is all that Daisya wanted to do. He had been friendless until now. Having Tyki ask him to play was like a wish being granted for the small boy.

"Of course." said Tyki with a slightly sadistic smile. He was a liar, but Allen couldn't tell lies apart yet. He wanted Allen to show up at the fence at the back of the playground, just so that he and Earl and Road could laugh at the little friendless boy, and tease him. They wanted to push him around in the snow. It made them feel good to see a little crybaby like Allen crying. In short, the three were bullies. "We would love it if you came to see us at recess. That's why I'm asking you. Come meet us at the fence at the back of the field. We'll have lots of fun."

"Thank you very very much! I will try my best to be a very good friend to you!" said Allen happily as Tyki walked away, leaving Allen alone in his excitement.

He really really wants to play with me. We can be friends, all four of us. Me and Tyki and Road and Earl can all be friends. I hope Earl is okay with this though. Earl is their leader. Well I'm sure he's the one that asked Tyki to get me to come play. Earl doesn't like to do it himself, he gets other people to do things like this for him.

At recess, Allen went to the fence where the three were waiting for him. Even though they are all in the same class, Allen takes longer to get his snowsuit on. He has a hard time with his zipper, but no one can know that because nine-year-olds can do it all by themselves with no help.

"Finally you show up. We have waited too long. If you wanted to play with us, then you should have been on time. We need to punish you now." said Earl with a grin.

"But I thought you wanted to be friends. I'm sorry I was late. I will be faster next time. Friends don't punish each other, right?" asked Allen nervously.

"Of course they do. Friends always hurt each other. We are going to show you just how good of friends we want to be with you." said Earl.

"Nononononono! I'm really sorry! Nononono!" screamed Allen, hoping that one of the teachers on duty would hear him and come to help, but the fence is too far away from the teachers.

Earl went first, pushing him down and shoving his face in the snow. Earl was kind of a chubby child, so he sat on Allen, making it so that the small boy couldn't get up. He could clearly see the fear in the little boy's eyes. This gave Earl a high, and he kept jumping on the smaller boy and pushing him around until he found it hard to get up and try to walk away.

"Earl don't take all the fun!" complained Road. She went up to Allen and began her punishment. "I kinda like you Allen, you're cute! And the cute ones are always the most fun to play with" she grinned evilly. She took out a pointy stick that she had picked up from one of the nearby fir trees. She started jabbing Allen with the pointy end of the stick and hitting him with it, feeling good about the whimpers of pain she was getting out of Allen.

"Hmmm, this won't do. His snowsuit is protecting him too well, and I can't see the red marks." she remarked. Earl quickly tore off Allen's coat and sweater, leaving him in a t-shirt and pants in the cold winter air. While Allen was freezing, Road took the stick and continued in the same fashion as before, this time drawing blood with the jabs and leaving large red welts and blood spots over his torso and anywhere that would be covered by his shirt.

"Oh we only have about 5 minutes left of recess. Tyki you'd better take your turn quickly!" Road said.

"Very well. Let's have some fun, little boy." grinned Tyki, showing the same sadistic smile that he had had earlier. Tyki grabbed the boy's pants and tore them down, embarrassing him and leaving him exposed to attacks on his bare legs. He took out a knife that he'd taken from his parents and hidden in his coat before school. "This will be fun!" said Tyki.

The knife was drawn up and down Allen's legs, bleeding on the snow. Small slashes and long, swirling patterns were carved into his legs, not deep enough to scar, but deep enough to hurt and make Allen cry out loudly in pain. Then Tyki had a great idea, at least for himself. He was a boy, so he knew where the sensitive spot was. "Allen, pull up your pants." Tyki ordered.

Allen pulled up his pants, and started crying some more, half in pain over the cuts, half in relief that it was over, or so he thought. Then he heard Tyki say, "Walk five steps over there, turn around, and close your eyes. Then count to ten."

"O-o-o-o-kay." Allen stuttered and sobbed. He did as Tyki said and then started counting. "O-o-one. T-two. Thr-ee-ee. F-four. F-f-five. S-six. S-s-sev-even. Ei-ei-ei-ei-ght. N-n-n-n-ine." by this time Allen was dead scared and could hardly make the sounds for the final number as he tensed up and prepared himself for whatever was coming. "T-t-t-en-n-n- OWWOOOOOOO!"

Tyki had wound up his hardest kick and nailed Allen where he knew it would hurt most. The bell rang and the three bullies left Allen alone at the back of the field while they went inside, laughing about how well they had hurt the poor boy, and congratulating each other on their efforts.

Allen laid in the snow, in pain and plenty of misery. Against the three of them, he hadn't stood a chance, and it hurt more to think that he believed that this would be the best recess of his life, making friends.

Oooohhh. It hurts. Why did they hurt me? What did I do to them? I was late, so they punished me. Maybe I don't want to be friends. It was an accident. If friends hurt each other, I don't want friends. I never want friends again. I hate friends. "Leave me alone!" Allen said, not thinking it was out loud.

A teacher was helping him up after Allen's teacher reported that he hadn't returned to class when he said this. The teacher had expected a bratty child trying to stay out for recess longer, not a little boy crying in the snow. She wondered if he'd hurt himself climbing a tree, because there was red snow under the tree nearby, and some drops led toward this boy. She picked up the boy and brought him to the nurse, despite the boy's desperate cries for her to let him go.

* * *

_September 2006_

The start of eighth grade. Allen hoped that this year would go by quickly so that he could graduate from this stupid school and go to high school far away from anyone he knew, if he made it to high school. He never wanted to see them again. He hated everyone because they all hated him for something he didn't do. He showed up for school in fourth grade with white hair, a scar on his face over his left eye, and a burnt red arm. They all hated that he was different and either ignored him or abused him, physically, verbally, and emotionally.

He hated that these people hurt him. He didn't mind the people that ignored him, they just left him alone and didn't really care. They didn't hurt him, but they didn't help either. At least they didn't hurt him.

Oh god! When can I leave! Hasn't it been enough torture already? This is my ninth year at this stupid school. Kindergarten until now. One more year, then high school. If I make it there. Wait, I can't think that way. I don't want to die do I? I don't think I want to kill myself. What's wrong with me and why do I keep thinking this way? Ever since grade three and the accident just before it. Why do I keep thinking about what the world will be like if I died, and how it will be the same, if not better? I don't know. Can't do anything about it. Oh well. Never stop, keep walking. That's what Mana told me.

Allen wasn't worried about his grades, he even had high enough grades to get into the Black Order high school, for exceptionally smart students. Keeping an A+ average was easy for him. He didn't have to pay attention in class, and he could still easily do the homework before class was let out. The worst problem with this year was the seating arrangement. Pods of three, assigned by the teacher. He hoped that he wouldn't be seated with any of Road, Tyki, or Earl. Once again, they were all in his class. Just like every year.

"At pod four, Marie Noise, Daisya Barry, and Allen Walker." stated the teacher.

Phew. I'm with people who ignore me. And they're smart, so they won't cheat on me and get me in trouble like the people in my pod last year. Unfortunately, Tyki, Road and Earl are all at the pod next to mine, but I can deal. I can live that, right? It's not like they'll try to get me during class.

"Hello Allen. I don't believe we've talked before, but I am Marie Noise. Nice to meet you." said Marie. "And this is Daisya, my friend."

"Hello. Good to meet you too. I hope we can get along through this year as a pod." said Allen, using his fake smile. He'd developed it to fool the idiot teachers into thinking he was fine whenever he was bullied. It was a mask he'd adopted when he was eight, and it stuck. Now that he's almost thirteen, it's just a force of habit.

"Cool. We have a kid here who looks like he's smart. You smart kid?" asked Daisya.

"Yes. I am considered exceptionally smart by the teachers here. Don't worry about me cheating on you. I don't need to. And my name is Allen. I believe we've met before." said Allen

"Wait... I remember you! You're the kid who played soccer with me for a week or so back when we were little kids! I never saw you again after that. Where'd you go? I wanted to be friends with you. Even if you don't like soccer. Marie doesn't play, and we're still tight? Right?" said Daisya.

"Yup." agreed Marie.

"I didn't go anywhere. I was just in the other class." said Allen. "I'm sorry we couldn't have been friends. But you look like you've had a good time anyways. I'm glad for you."

"Yeah. It was great. But what happened to you? Didn't you used to have red hair? Is it dyed? And aren't you hot wearing a sweater in September?" asked Daisya.

Allen dropped his smile. "That's none of your business." He put the smile back up. "If you'd still like to be friends, I won't object." But I will be wary. Friends exist only to hurt you. They build you up, only to tear you down. I won't let you, but I'll play your game, at least for a little while. Let's just wait until high school. Let's just see how far I can make it.

* * *

_June 2007_

Finally it's graduation. I don't understand, but somehow Daisya and Marie became my friends, sort of. We can talk about innocent things. I still keep them out of my personal life, behind an invisible barrier in my mind. I won't let them through to see me. They don't know the pain I have, and they don't need to. This friendship is only temporary anyways. I'm going to Black Order high school. They're going to... I don't know. Even if we end up in the same place, it's a big school. I won't see them. Not after today's graduation ceremony.

The valedictorian gave their speech, we all walked up on stage and grabbed our diplomas. Happy parents took pictures of their girls in dresses and their boys in suits. Then the eighth-grade only dance in the gym started. I opted to go home. As I walked I flipped off the school. Good riddance. Fuck you! I know I never swear, but this school deserves it. FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKFUCKFUCKYOU! And I walked home to meet Cross. He didn't come to the ceremony, as expected. He doesn't like these things. He doesn't really care what I do as long as I earn him some money, cook his and his current girlfriend's food, do the household chores, and don't cause him any bother. Basically, shut up, be a housewife, and get good grades so that I don't hear from the school.

He was very angry, back when the school called because they'd thought I'd hurt myself back in second grade, and thought I was being bullied (and I was) in third grade because of my appearance. He told me to stop getting bullied. He wouldn't help me at all, and it was his fault (sort of) in the first place that I look this way. Well, it's not really his fault. He can't control the fact that I was a clumsy child. And kind of weak. I've fixed that now, but it isn't his fault that I'm this way. It's my own fault.

Well, even if it's my own fault, bringing this torture on myself, I still cry. And it's okay. I just have to cry quietly. I learned how to do that quickly, because Cross hates the sounds of crying children. And I have Timcampy to hug and hold. I still love Tim. He makes me feel better sometimes. Just being able to hug someone. I feel like hugging right now. I want to cry.

So I grabbed Timcampy and started squeezing the life out of that stuffed... Whatever he is. I'm glad Cross isn't home right now. I can talk out loud and he won't hear me.

"You know Tim? Even though I sort of had friends, I still hated this year. Why? What' wrong with me? But I guess they aren't really my friends. I mean, I never told them anything and they didn't help when I was in trouble this year, or maybe they didn't notice. When Tyki and Earl got me during an independent work session and we had to separate our desks into columns and rows. Tyki went in front of me and Earl behind me. They slowly moved their desks closer to me, trapping me. The teacher didn't notice, then they grabbed me and started choking me. I couldn't breathe and I think I almost passed out. It hurt so much Tim!"

"And then that time during our DPA (Daily Physical Activity) when our class was supposed to play that laugh-chain* game and I had to put my head on Road. She almost broke my neck, I swear! She subtly used her arm to twist my head too far, and she kept elbowing the back of my neck and it hurt. It was hard to hold my head for a week Tim. I hate her. Just like I hate Tyki and Earl. I didn't do anything to them. I only look different than everyone else. And I don't want to fight back. That's mean. I don't want to hurt anyone. I try to be a good person, but it's never enough for anyone. You're my only friend Tim."

"Cross doesn't even think I'm good enough. I mean, having top marks, near perfect, in every class, doing all of the chores, cooking his meals close enough to perfection, and being exactly what he wants of me is never good enough! I live up to the expectations and still fail to meet them! I can't take it! Why don't I just quit now!" Wait what did I say? "I'm not suicidal. I can't be. I have to be perfect for everyone. Right Tim? You know I have to be perfect. Or I can't live. I CAN'T LIVE! It hurts. Always it hurts. I always hurt inside. It's almost becoming normal, the constant hurt and sadness. At least faking it is easy. No one will ever have to know how much it hurts. They can live ignorant and I can make them happy, right? Isn't that right Tim? But if I just took myself out of their pictures... NO! STOP THINKING THAT WAY ALLEN! I CAN'T! I'm just weird-looking. Other than that I'm a perfectly normal, perfectly healthy kid, right? I have to be. I just have to be."

* * *

*laugh-chain – people lay in a chain, one person's head on another's stomach. Then the one at the top of the chain laughs and causes the next person to laugh as well, due the funny sensation their heads feel. It's kinda fun... not really physical activity, but that's one of the activities we did at my school during DPA.

**A/N**: Just as a repeater, there won't be any pairings in this. I don't do romance, and this story is loosely based on real life experiences. In this real life, there is no romance, so this fic won't have any either. I'm sorry for any OOCness and I will try to make them more in character as the story progresses. This is only the prologue. It will continue... I don't know how long. We'll see when it gets there. I apologize for the lack of angst in this chapter. He's a little kid in these flashback/background bits. Little kids aren't terribly angsty. They're psychology won't allow it. (I took a Uni developmental psych course.) I also haven't completely decided on the ending to the story yet. If I need to add more warnings to the story, they will pop up at the beginning of later chapters. I will warn for swearing, sex, SI/suicide and the like in the chapter at the beginning of every chapter, just in case.

Review if you liked it, or didn't, and I'll see what I can do for the next chapter. It'll be less in terms of flashbacks and whatnot. That's what this chapter was so that you can have some of a background on what happened to Allen during his childhood. The mysterious incident before third grade will be revealed... just not for a few chapters. How many, I don't know yet. But soon enough. I know I skipped over most of his Elementary/Middle school life, but some important events from that time will be revealed as necessary. I will also explain about Mana later and how he fits in.

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	2. Second Start

**A/N**: WARNING: This chapter contains some religious views (don't object please, it's just for the story), blood, suicidal thoughts, and SI. And a little angst. Don't like it, don't read it. If you want to read it, enjoy!

**Disclaimer**: Still writing fanfics. Still don't own D. Gray Man

* * *

**Second Start**

* * *

_September 2007_

First day of high school. Black Order high school, here goes nothing. Exactly nothing. That's me, and here I go.

I bet it will be just like before. People will look at me and see someone that they don't want to associate with. They will see a cursed child who doesn't get to have friends. They will see me as someone who should be picked on and abused. Not that it's their fault at all, I do look rather strange. I look different from all of the normal people out there. Why couldn't life have treated me fairly? I don't understand, but I don't have a choice.

Now suck it up Allen, pick up your feet, put one foot in front of the other. Walk, keep walking. Walk straight ahead and off the bus and into that big building. That big... old... tall... creepy building. Let's get this over with. It's only a building. I can't have anything against it, it won't cause my misery. It's the people inside it that will make these next four years a living hell. If I make it through those four years. No! Bad Allen! Don't think that way! Do not! You are not sad. You got over that back when you were eight, remember? You made the mask so no one can see you. And now you aren't sad because you can't be. You are normal now. Emotionally at least. Normal, normal, normal, normal...

Just keep walking. The office is just ahead. Get your locker, get your combo, get your schedule and then get to class. That's all you need to do. Okay Allen, we've got this. Let's do this.

"Next." said the secretary.

"Walker, ma'am. Allen Walker" said Allen

"Your locker this year is number 649. Here's your combination and schedule. Don't get lost here." said the secretary

"Thank you ma'am." said Allen with a fake smile, "And you have a lovely day." He was just trying to be polite.

"Sure thing. Next." said the secretary.

Well that was kind of rude. But, I guess my appearance has something to do with it. Okay, so locker 649. This won't be too bad. And the combination is easy too. 35-37-07. Not too bad. Now I've just got to... find... it... GRRRR! This would be so much easier if I knew my way around the school! Or at least had a better sense of direction! How do they expect ninth graders to find their way around with no prior experience in this place? I'm totally helpless. And no one is going to want to help me here. Just look at me. I'm the last person anyone would ever want to help out. Who would help out the freak with the white hair, the creepy scar and the burnt arm. Not that anyone can see my arm, but I can't hide the hair and the scar. Maybe I should cut my hair short and wear a hat... hmmm.

"Hello there! Are you lost?" said an Asian girl with black hair.

"Umm, yes. I am. Do you know where locker 649 is?" asked Allen

"Sure I do! It's just over here in the Tech Wing. This school has several wings, and the classrooms in each wing are dedicated to the specific subjects, or types of subject, of that wing. That way it's harder to lose track of where you need to go and where you need to be. The farthest one this way on the first floor is the Tech Wing. If I remember correctly, your locker is about halfway down the hall. I hope you find your way. And my name is Lenalee Lee by the way. What's your name?" said Lenalee with a bright smile.

"Oh, uh, m-my name is A-Allen. Allen W-Walker." stuttered Allen. Damn the stutter! I can't shake it, especially in unnerving situations like this. How can I talk to someone? I don't know her. Talking means to exchange information with the other party through means of verbal communication with arbitrary sounds and orders of sounds that are given specific meanings. That's just a bit too scary for me.

"Well, nice to meet you Allen Walker. I hope you enjoy your first year here. I don't go here yet, but I will next year. I hope we can be friends, and that I can see you then!" said Lenalee

"W-Wait. You don't go to this school? Then how do you know your way around so well?" asked Allen. Damn it! Why am I talking to this girl?

"Oh, that's an easy question!" Lenalee giggled, "My older brother came here a few years ago. He's graduated now, but I came to see him every day and learned the school by heart, just by being here so much. He's now working here in the science department doing experiments and running photocopies for teachers and stuff to save money for college. I'm in eighth grade now, so I'll be coming here next year. And now I know someone that I can talk to on the first day next year. I won't have to worry about being lonely!"

"That's great. We'll see next year. Anyways, I need to be in class soon, so until then." said Allen politely as he turned away to go find his locker.

Okay. 649. There you are. Now twist, twist, twist, 35. Twist, twist, 37. Twist, 07. There. It's open. My schedule says Music (145B), Geography (212), Science (105), English (131). Not a bad semester. I need to be in Music class in 10 minutes, so I've got time. Just breathe Allen.

Calm down Allen. Lenalee was okay. She wasn't mean to you. She said "hi." She said she wanted to be friends. She helped you find your locker. And I noticed that each wing has numbers over it to help us find the right rooms. It'll be just fine. One period at a time, then 45 minutes on the bus, then back to Cross's house. Cook dinner, eat, homework (if there is any) and then sleep. Not too hard. Just one step at a time. Breathe. It will all work out. Just make it through this one day at a time. It won't be so bad.

_CLANG!_

"I-I-I'm so sorry! I was just trying to open my locker and it got stuck and I must have pulled too hard and I disturbed you! I'm very very sorry!" apologized a tall student with pale skin and hair that looked like a skunk. He was dressed in all long black clothing, making him look sort of like a vampire.

"Don't apologize to me. It's not worth the effort. Let me help you." said Allen

"Th-Thank you very much. I am grateful. And my name is Arystar Krory the third. Most people call me Krory though. I guess we're sort of locker mates, having lockers right next to each other." said Krory

"Maybe more like neighbours. My name is Allen. Nice to meet you Krory, resident of locker 650." said Allen, smiling with his mask.

"Nice to meet you. Say, what's your schedule like? Maybe we have some of the same classes this year." said Krory

"Music, Geography, Science, English." said Allen.

"We do have classes together! My schedule is French, Geography, Science, and Gym!" said Krory excitedly, "I know someone! And won't be alone! Alone... all alone..."

"You're right. I'll see you in Geography then." said Allen, leaving Krory behind, looking sad. Not my problem. He's probably just trying to get me close to him so that he can turn on me later. You never know. And the vampire get-up might be some way to earn the freak's trust. It's been done before, and I won't fall for it again. I can't trust him. Do not trust him. No matter what. Trust only leads to betrayal.

Okay now room 145B. That's in... where are the numbers. There! Okay, that one is 101-113, then 121-133, then 140-147. That's the one! Okay now 145B.

Allen walked into class. He looked at the setup. It was set up like a band. Seats in a semicircle around the conductor's stand. It makes sense, this is advanced instrumental music after all. Too bad I couldn't play piano here. That usually calms me down. I'm so nervous, I don't know if I'll be able to make a sound properly on this saxophone. Well, it's the first day. Maybe we won't have to play.

Then the teacher walked in.

"Hello class. I am Mr. Neah Walker. You can call me Neah if you wish. I will be your music teacher for the first semester of your ninth grade year. I hope you all enjoy it. First thing's first. Time to find seats. Okay. We'll start with flutes over here..."

As the class was being sorted by their respective instruments, Neah was asking names and a little about each person in the class.

"Next saxophones. Come over here. Oh, only one this year. We'll make it work. What's your name? And what school are you from?" asked Neah

"Allen Walker. And the school isn't important." said Allen

"Not important? If you say so. And Allen Walker... Hmmm... sounds familiar... Aha! I remember! You used to have red hair, and now you live with Marian Cross, correct?" said Neah

"H-H-How did you know. Are you a stalker? That's creepy! What's wrong with you!" said Allen, starting to break into a panic.

"I'm sort of your foster uncle! Mana was my brother." replied Neah

"B-B-But Mana never said... And I-I don't know you at all." said Allen, still freaking out.

"Shh. It's okay. I didn't know Mana had adopted a son until a few years ago. And by then, you were already in Cross's surely capable hands." said Neah

"Y-You don't know what you're talking about! And don't talk about Mana!"shouted Allen, scared and now almost at the verge of tears. Where did those come from? Pull it together Allen. Put the mask back on. Relax. Numb yourself. Just slip back into your routine. "I'm sorry. Yes Cross is very capable. It's a pleasure meeting you, foster-uncle Neah." Allen finished politely, but not without some strange looks from others in the class.

Damn it! Why did this have to happen on the first day. I didn't see this coming. Oh well. Get over it Allen. It could be worse. Earl and Tyki and Road could have come to this school. What am I saying, they're not smart enough. I could have gone to Noahsville high school with them. It was my home school, but Black Order is far away, and it works for my intelligence. After all, only exceedingly smart people go here. You won't see them again. Just calm down and finish the day.

Soon class was over and it was time for Geography.

Great. I have to meet Krory again. Maybe he'll ignore me. That would be nice. I don't want people to try to be friends with me. That will just make everything hurt more later on. I need to be left alone. Forever. I'm not worth friends, and that God-in-the-sky that people claim exists must hate me if he's really out there. But he's not. A deity looking after mankind does not just ignore the suffering of those he is deity of. If reasonable intervention is asked for, I'm sure that God should listen if effort is put in by the party doing the asking as well, right? Well, he didn't help. So either this God is a true jerk-bastard or he mustn't exist, right? He doesn't exist. At least that knowledge is easier to carry than hate for him is anyways.

Back to class. I hope Krory ignores me. It'll be better for the both of us if he doesn't associate with a freak like me.

There he is. He's sitting in his seat, and he looks kind of gloomy. I wonder what went wrong? Should I ask him if he's okay...? No! I can't associate with him. Do not make friends. Friends only hurt each other, and betray you and destroy you in the end. It only worked with Daisya and Marie because we didn't get close. We weren't friends, just people who sat together. No friends. You don't get friends Allen. Ever. Never ever. EVER.

Okay. He's just sitting there. He's ignoring me and I will ignore him. Hopefully we won't have to see each other again. Just the lockers. I think I'll sit across the room from him. Far away. I won't let anyone get close to me because people only hurt you. We won't be friends. We can't be.

Another uneventful class went by. Then lunch.

Where to eat. That's the question. First, let's get food. I hope the cafeteria is good.

"Heyy there! Another new student! Oh isn't this a great day. What can I get for you today?" said the lunch man. "Jerry" according to his name tag.

"Oh, umm, I'll have a burger with fries, and a large soda, and two slices of pizza with all of the toppings and a giant cookie." said Allen, "Oh and the chef's special soup too."

"Oh my, we've got a hungry one. This is going to be great! Give me just a second... and here's your food! You have a nice day now." said Jerry

"Thank you very much Mr. Jerry." said Allen

"Oh I like you,* and by the way, what's your name?" asked Jerry

"I'm Allen Walker. It's been a pleasure making your acquaintance." said Allen as he walked away with his food.

Now to find somewhere to eat. Maybe a cafeteria table? No. There are far too many people here. I need somewhere quiet. Maybe I'll just walk around and find a place. I've got another half hour left of lunch, and it'll take only a few minutes to eat this food. So I've got time. Maybe I'll walk by my next classes on the way to... somewhere.

Science Wing: Rooms 101 – 113. Okay. Let's look down here. I'm in 105, so that's the third room on the right. Got it. Hm. And Geography was just upstairs from here. Maybe the stairs will be empty.

They are! Empty stairs. I can eat here. The stairwell under the stairs at the end of the Science Wing. This is a perfect place. It's the farthest staircase from anywhere, so people coming through here during lunch isn't likely, and it's right near my next class, so I won't be late. And it's quiet. I like it. I can sit here and I can think, probably out loud if I wanted, and I can be alone. And no one will disturb me. It will be nice. I think I can get through this. It's only four years, right?

Four years. Four years was the difference between fifth grade, where things were shit, and eighth grade, where things went more to shit. Except maybe for Daisya and Marie, my pod-mates. Not friends. Definitely not friends. But that's okay. They're at Noahsville, and I'm at Black Order. It's okay. I'll be fine, right?

Yes. I have to be. I have to be the perfect gentleman. I have to keep walking. I need to keep going. I'll be fine because I'm a normal teenage boy inside. Well, almost teenage I guess. I'm still thirteen, but that's got teen in it. But I don't really know if it counts... I'm almost fourteen anyway. Things will get better if I keep my mask, and if I just keep everyone away from me. It's not like I can even stand people touching me anymore. Daisya found that out the hard way.

Allen chuckled bitterly, with an undertone of sadness as he remembered Daisya trying to pat his back last year.

* * *

_October 2006_

"_Hey Allen! We're going to play soccer! Marie and me. Come join us! It'll be loads of fun." said Daisya_

"_Yep." stated Marie_

"_I dunno guys, I'm probably not that good at soccer, and I'll just mess things up and get in your way." said Allen_

"_That's okay! Friends can mess up in front of other friends. It doesn't mean we're gonna hurt ya or nothin'!" said Daisya as he strolled over to Allen and went to give him a friendly slap on the back and guide him to the soccer field._

_Suddenly, as Daisya touched Allen's back, Allen's eyes turned sharp and cold. Then the next thing Daisya knew, he had no breath left in his lungs, his back hurt, and he was laying on the ground with his soccer ball rolling away. "Don't EVER touch me." Allen said menacingly_

"_Oof. That hurt." said Daisya_

"_I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean to do that. Just please don't touch me, it makes me nervous. I'm very very sorry. I'll take my punishment now." Allen quickly apologized._

"_No worries buddy. I guess I spooked ya a little by comin' up from behind ya. I didn't know you could flip people like that. That's pretty cool! I'll try not to touch ya again, since ya don't like it too much." said Daisya, ignoring the part about Allen wanting punishment. Little guy must be a masochist. Or just really timid. Either way, that's his business._

* * *

All that and only because he tried to pat my back...

Oh crap! Only three minutes to class! Oh wait, I'm already in the science wing. This eating under the stairs arrangement will work out well.

Science and English went by, fairly uneventfully, as, once again, Allen ignored Krory in Science class. Science was an introduction to the course and Lenalee's brother, his name is Komui, helped the teacher out by basically doing everything that the teacher was supposed to do. He answered questions and gave us full details of the course. The teacher must be an idiot. And in English he got his books for the year, _To Kill A Mockingbird_ and _Romeo and Juliet_.

Not terribly interesting, but not difficult reads either. It should be fairly easy.

Now for the bus. Just a stop at my locker and I can get on the bus and leave this place. I can be away from school. Just gotta grab my bag and-

"Hello Allen. Did you have a good first day?" asked Krory.

Allen visibly tensed at Krory's voice, making Krory feel a little self conscious and guilty. "I-It went just fine. Thanks. I'm looking forward to going home. Celebrating the end of the first day and all. How about you?" asked Allen

"It was fine. I was lonely in the classes and lunch. You should've come sit with me, but I guess you have other friends to sit with instead. I'm going back home too, to my lonely castle. I'll see you tomorrow Allen." said Krory a little sadly as he left Allen at the lockers.

That was kind of strange. Krory almost seemed sincere, like he truly wants to be my friend and not just make fun of me. But I know better. He just wants to get close to me to tear out my heart and rip my soul to pieces. That's what all people do. Can't let him get close. Now, just gotta grab my bag and go out to the bus, and get home.

Home. No place I'd rather not return to again, except maybe school. Black Order doesn't seem too bad, but it's only been one day. You can't judge a school by a one day experience. Let's just see if I make it to Christmas, my birthday, to fourteen. No! Allen stop thinking that. Think about this instead. What's for dinner? Oh food, how I love you. But what does Cross want? Never the same thing twice in a row, and it must go well with wine. Hmm. I know, I can do a cheese fondue with meat and bread for dipping and get some fruits to go beside it for sweetness. So for fruits, grapes maybe? Some apple slices? No, not apples. Maybe some small berries? I'll figure it out when I get to the store.

So Allen went to the store, then bought, made, and ate dinner. Cross seemed satisfied enough. He didn't strike Allen for failing to make a proper meal, so it must have been at least satisfactory. And Allen went to his room.

Tim? It wasn't so bad today. I mean, I didn't get bullied today, somehow. I don't know what is up with that place, but they don't seem to hate me there yet. It's only a matter of time though. People always hate me in the end. And I can understand why. On top of this freakish appearance, I'm not really all that great a person. That's what I've been told my whole life, unfailingly, so it must be true, right Tim? I'm a mean and selfish person. I'm a freak. I'm a pathetic loser. And apparently I'm gay somehow? Because that's what being a fag means. I can't do anything for myself because I'm weak. And I'm alone and everyone hates me.

Allen felt his cheeks when he saw wet stains on top of Timcampy's golden head.

Oh Tim, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you wet. I don't even know why I'm crying. My mask is supposed to stop all the tears. No more crying. I grew up, right? I'm not a little kid anymore, right? I'm trying to be independent, right? I'm polite enough to other people, right? I try to be nice, even if I still fail, right? I'm trying Tim. And it hurts. It hurt when you try and try and try to be good, to be good enough for the world and still be pushed down because no matter what you do you still can't be good enough.

It's like playing cards Tim. Those with the best hands win. And my hand is full of junk made up of low cards. Nothing good, nothing that can be stuck together to form anything good. Not even anything bad. I'm just junk. Junk that should be thrown away and traded in for someone better. I shouldn't even be here Tim. No one needs me around. I just take up space and breathe someone else's air and use up someone else's resources. I should just be gone.

If I wasn't here, the world would go on. I'm sure all the people who knew me will be happy. They hated me. They told me to go die. They want me gone. They will be happier if I just take myself out of here now. But... Do I really want to die Tim? It hurts so bad.

Maybe if I just let out some of the hurt a little bit. I remember, I got a ruler for Tech class, but I don't have that until next semester. It's metal and the corners are sharp. Maybe if I just rake the corner across my skin a few times, the hurt will bleed out of me like a poison or infection bleeds out of a wound. It's worth a shot anyways, even if it doesn't work. I don't know what else I can do. But if someone sees it or if someone catches me...

I know. I remember that day back in second grade. Going to the fence to meet the three bullies. I deserved what I got from them... I angered them by being late... It was unacceptable. It's a good thing they punished me. But Tyki used the knife to rip my legs apart. No one saw because there were pants hiding the wounds. I can slice my legs open.

Okay. Steady now. Just be careful and pick a nice spot. Touch the skin with the corner, mark it carefully. Now, get ready.

Allen's arm tensed up. He stared long and hard at his leg, then suddenly pushed the corner of the ruler hard into his skin and ripped across the back of his leg. The skin tore and blood started running down his leg. He went and grabbed a Kleenex from the box beside his bed and dabbed some of the blood away, making sure that it didn't get onto the floor. Cross would kill him if anything stained the floor.

That's funny. Cross will kill me if the floor is stained, but not if I myself am stained so terribly that I can't even think straight anymore. But I still think alright, don't I? I'm just normal. Well, not a very good normal, but normal enough, right?

Maybe some day people will see that I matter. Maybe? No. I don't matter. I never did and never will. No one cares. I can just die right now. I mean, this scratch won't kill me, but if I did bleed to death, who would notice? Who would care? Cross wouldn't, that's for sure. He doesn't come in here. He's probably afraid of my curse. Although, I cook for him, so wouldn't he have caught it by now? He just doesn't like me. He won't come in here, and I'll never be found. It won't matter to anyone. I'll be gone and the world will be exactly the same. But I'll be gone and no one will care.

More tear stains showed up on the floor.

Am I crying again? But this doesn't even hurt. I can tear myself apart and it doesn't hurt. It just feels a little better. Some of the tension in me is flowing out, along with the blood. And it feels like I can actually go to school tomorrow.

Wait, I forgot how deep I cut. I hope it doesn't scar. I wasn't paying close enough attention to that detail. I can't let it scar. Then someone might ask about it, or someone might find out about it and they'll make fun of me. They'll hurt me even more and the torture will begin all over again. Oh no, why? Why am I such an idiot? Aren't I in a smart school? Why does it hurt even more now? I can't take it! What's wrong? Why can't I fix myself? I wish it didn't hurt so bad. Please please please let me die on the spot. Right now. Just let me die so that I don't have to face tomorrow. I don't want to go on.

But I thought I wasn't suicidal. No Allen. You are normal. And normal people don't want to die. You must be normal. Go to sleep Allen. You're very tired. Your eyes hurt, your head hurts. Go to sleep. Wake up tomorrow. Go to school and be a good boy. Be what everyone expects. Be perfect. Smile and hide behind your mask, it's here to keep you safe. Be distant and stay away from everyone. They are only going to hurt you. Stay away. People make you alone, but isn't that better than people hurting you?

Yes. Yes it is. I'm going to sleep. And then I'll go to school and I'll be normal. I must be normal. If I'm not normal then I can't live. Right?

* * *

*This is not an Allen and Jerry fic. Jerry is just nice like that. No romance!

**A/N**: So that was an attempt at some angst. Not great, but it'll have to do for now, maybe I'll edit and redo it later. Sorry about cutting out Science and English. I couldn't think of anything interesting that wasn't repetitive to put in there. I don't want to bore you guys woo early on. ;) The schedule and locker are based on my own Grade 9 schedule and locker. Although if you find my school, that combo won't work. They switch locks every year. I'll do my best to update quickly, but I just got my old job back (yay!) and they're giving me a lot of hours. I'll do what I can. I hope you enjoyed it, those of you reading this. Let me know what you think. The Review button is right down there! =)

V


	3. It Hurts

**It Hurts**

* * *

_September 2007_

Okay Allen, you can do this. It's only school. Nothing you thought last night exists. That is in your room, this is here. This is different. No bad thoughts. Just go through the day, be normal, and pray to that unseen deity that many pray to that no one will bother you today. They may have a reason to bother you, but that doesn't mean that they will, right? I've just gotta stay optimistic. Right? But since when the hell have _I_ ever been an optimist. Maybe since Mana...

No don't think about Mana. Don't think about Mana. Don't think about Mana. Must not. Okay. Go into school and start the day. Things will be fine. Just keep it together, be cool, and you can get through this. Just one little baby step at a time.

"Hello Allen. Nice day today isn't it?" asked Krory

"Good morning. Yes, it sure is nice out. I hope this weather keeps up." responded Allen. Really, he didn't care at all about the weather, he was just trying to be polite.

"Me too. The weatherman forecast it to be like this all week, so we may be in luck." said Krory

"Sounds great! Can't wait for tomorrow." said Allen. Oh yes, yes he could.

With that, Allen took his leave and headed for class, leaving Krory standing alone at the locker, looking longingly after him.

In his class, he set up his saxophone, and began tuning himself before warmup. Allen enjoyed picking up his instrument and assembling it. It felt like a new instrument every time he picked it up. It was still as shiny as when he got it, smelled like new metal, and felt cool and clean to the touch. Assembling this piece of beauty, as he like to think of it, made him feel accomplished in a small way, that someone like him could use his messed up arm and still put together something as beautiful as his instrument. He treated it with the best of care, and he was rewarded for it.

The class began as usual, group tuning after individual tuning, followed by warmups, then playing for most of the class, and packing up. It was fairly straightforward and mindless enough for Allen that he forgot about the things running through his head before the class began. Even if he didn't enjoy the teacher and found the music a little basic, he still enjoyed the way it cleared his head. He put his instrument back on the shelf and headed out the door to leave.

"Allen, may I speak with you for a minute right now?" asked Neah

"Of course, Mr. Walker." replied Allen politely, despite the sarcasm he'd wished to put into that remark.

"Thank you. And call me Neah. I don't want to be so formal around my students. It just doesn't feel right to me. Anyways, to the point. I'd like to apologize for what I had said to you yesterday. I didn't know that mentioning my brother would upset you as it did and I ask for your forgiveness on the basis of that being an honest, ignorant mistake." said Neah

Allen was momentarily shocked. It was only a brief hesitation, but one that Neah didn't miss. "No worries at all. I accept your apologies. It was a bit of an overreaction on my part as well. I just don't feel totally comfortable talking about my foster father, especially with someone I don't know." But I especially don't want to talk about it with you. You creepy man, that was some scary stuff yesterday and I want you to just leave me alone! I don't care if Mana was your brother! And I wish you hadn't made me remember...

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go to my next class." said Allen, his eyes picking up a little glassiness. "I will see you tomorrow Mr. Walker." And he walked away quickly before Neah could reply or notice the almost-formed tears in his eyes.

Neah is a perceptive man. He didn't miss the shiny eyes, or the look that told him the Allen was struggling for composure, or the slightest tone in the politeness that told Neah that Allen really didn't trust him or like him at all. He could see that the boy was clearly distancing himself from him, and possibly others as well, as he didn't talk to anyone in the class. Most teenagers and pre-teenagers are overly social, especially with each other. He figured Allen must have some reason for closing himself off. Maybe it has to do with Mana? But that's his business. A teacher shouldn't pry. He has respect for his students, whether or not they respect him the same way.

* * *

Okay Allen, don't cry. You can't let anyone see you cry, or they'll pick on you. You can't let them see. Just run away. No, don't run, they'll notice. Then they'll still pick on you! No what can I do? There's nothing that won't end up with me on the other end of their wrath. I bet the only reason that they haven't come after me yet is because I haven't done anything to stand out yet. (What about music class yesterday and freaking out at Mr. Walker?) I can't stand it. I just need a plan. A plan, a plan, a plan, a plan... Okay. Maybe I can ask the teacher for a bathroom pass when I get to class. That might work...

Allen made his way to Geography, and somehow didn't get lost. He put his books in his desk, and organized his stuff for class, and was just about to go to the teacher to carry out his foolproof plan, when a certain vampire-boy walked up to him.

"Hey Allen, the teacher just mentioned that we'd be doing group assignments for the next little bit so I was wondering if maybe you'd be my partner, you know, since we're locker buddies and all...? Hey, are you okay?" asked Krory, noticing the semi-pained look on Allen's face.

"I'm fine Krory," Allen said, quickly making an attempt to fool him with a fake smile, "and do what you like for a partner. I'll be back in a bit."

Krory noticed Allen's eyes and how they seemed to show a little pain, despite the rest of his face holding up a smile. He figured he was imagining things and left Allen be. After all, Allen said he was okay.

With that, Allen picked up the bathroom pass from the teacher and quickly made his way to the boys room. Upon arrival, he immediately locked himself in a stall, now allowing tears to fall down his face.

That was really close. Someone could have seen me. I'm glad that they didn't see me. Especially Krory. I don't know what's up with him, why he keeps following me. Maybe he's another bully? I can't think about that. I don't need to be paranoid on top of all this. I can't even think about Mana for god's sake. Not without breaking down into tears like a small child. And I'm not a little kid any more. I've frown up. That's what being thirteen is all about. You're just about as grown up as you'll ever get. So that means you can't be crying all the time. What the hell is wrong with me if I keep crying like this? I can't even keep it together for two freaking hours! I'm such a baby. All those others were right about me. I'm a loser. I'm pathetic. No one likes me. I'm a crybaby. I cry over stupid things. I can't take getting hit like a man. I can't do it. I'm a freak. I'm a pathetic, crybaby, lonely loser-freak who deserves everything he gets because that's what I am. I really can't do this. I just want to die... No! Don't think about it Allen! Why do I have to keep saying this to myself? I'm not crazy. I'm not suicidal. I don't want to die, right? Because that's not normal, and I have to be normal. I have to be normal so that I can be good enough for Master Cross. Nothing but the perfect normal kid, so that no one will bug him. Right? That's what I am. Right? I have to be... or else...

I guess I should probably go back to class now... I've been in here a while, and the teacher will probably be suspicious. I hope he doesn't think that I'm doing drugs or something! I can't have him call Master Cross!

Allen walked out of the stall and took a look at his eyes. They were giant, red, and puffy. There was no way he could go back to class like that. He'd get picked on for sure. So he stayed there for another half hour, until the swelling around his eyes went down and he looked normal again. Then he started walking back to class, very nervous walking in more than halfway through the period.

He swallowed in anticipation and slowly opened the door and walked inside. To his surprise, no one noticed because they were all up and talking to each other doing groupwork. He went over to the teacher to return the pass.

"I'm sorry I was so long. I-I swear I wasn't doing anything. I just got lost a little and-" Allen got cut off.

"Don't worry about it Allen. You don't need to flatter me with excuses. We all need that once in a while, so don't feel too bad. The rest of the class is doing a little group work to hand in at the end of the class so that I can assess what you all need to learn and where to start this year. It's a simple quiz about various subjects in Geography and a little personal answer section. You can join a group or do it individually at this point. Write as much as you can, and good luck. Come see me if you ever need anything. Not just Geography." said the teacher.

"Th-Thank you sir." said Allen and he walked to his seat.

That was way too close. I'm glad the teacher's okay with it. And it's even better that no one noticed that I was gone. Or maybe they did and went after my stuff...

Allen briefly looked over his stuff and decided that there was nothing out of the ordinary.

Okay. That's good. I don't know why they didn't take this chance, unless they're waiting for a better time later. That's probably it. Now, to start on this questionnaire.

Allen found the subject matter part of the questionnaire fairly easy, but then again, he did have to do lots of crazy research about random places for Cross, and the rest was all science. He could get through it. It was the part where he had to answer questions about himself that he didn't like. There were so many 'whys' and 'explains' that he didn't really know what to do. He didn't want to say anything, but he didn't want it to be blank, and he didn't want to lie either. Maybe just giving vague answers...?

Allen started jotting down some answers. When he finished, he reread the sheet just to make sure it looked okay, made him sound normal, and was neat enough for handing in purposes.

_What is your name?_ Allen Walker

_How old are you?_ 13

_When is your birthday?_ December 25

_What is your favourite hobby? Why?_ I enjoy playing music. I play both the piano and the saxophone. I am taking music as my elective for this reason. I enjoy it because I learned to play the piano from someone very special to me. It helps me calm down and lets me lose myself in the music.

_If you had to pick a colour for yourself, what would it be? Explain._ I would colour myself half black and half white. I call myself white for my white hair and pale skin, as well as how I view many things. I paint myself half black because I tend to see things in black and white, as one thing or the other. I do not see myself as entirely white, so I call myself white and black.

(Allen dodged around the answer on that one)

_If you had to pick a song to describe yourself, what would it be? Why?_ I would pick the song, 'The Greatest Adventure' by Glen Yarborough. It's a song about willing to take risks and that sitting alone and never trying anything will only make you sad and regretful. I agree with this outlook on life, and try my best to stick to this philosophy of trying new things, even if they pose a risk.

(Maybe a lie, but it works well enough. You have no idea how much of a risk even coming into school for the past several years, not to mention coming into this room in the middle of class earlier. But I do try to do things, even when they are risks, aka being around the three worst bullies of my old school.)

_If you were an animal, what would you be? Explain._ I would be a honeybee. While not always a popular sort of animal, or insect, the honeybee gathers up materials and turns them into honey. The same way I turn myself into music and cook food for my guardian. The honeybee looks out for its hive and the hive looks out for it. It's a similar relationship to the one I have with my guardian.

(Not to mention honeybees get squished a lot. At least that sounds innocent enough as it's written.)

_If you were an instrument, what would you be. Why?_ I would be a piano. Same reasoning as question number 5.

(Another one safe)

With that, Allen was done and satisfied enough with his answers. Hopefully the teacher would just brush it off and not look at them after a brief skim, but Lady Luck had never favoured Allen. But he could hope. In fact, by all probabilities, the teacher wouldn't remember anything after reading everyone's papers. So Allen felt better about that.

* * *

The bell went and everyone went to lunch. Allen avoided Krory, as he saw the vampire-boy headed towards him after class, then ran off to the stairwell after ordering another massive lunch from Jerry.

That was a long enough class. I can't believe the teacher let me off so easily, maybe because it's the first week. No one would be that nice to a freak like me. Not unless they had a reason, like the first week of school. Of course not. I don't deserve any kindness from these people. I haven't given them a reason to be nice to me, and no one in the past has been nice to me. Daisya and Marie were just pitying me, and we were pod-mates, so we had to get along a little anyways. We weren't friends. I can't have friends. It just doesn't make sense. I won't let it get to me. I'll just forget about it. Maybe this'll all just go away if I forget about it...

I doubt it. If that were true, then many things wouldn't have happened or continued to happen. My hair wouldn't be white, my arm wouldn't be burnt, I wouldn't be bullied, people wouldn't hate me for no reason, I wouldn't be such a freak, I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't hurt, I would still have Mana...

No! Don't think about Mana, not here and now. This day sucks! My head really hurts now. Maybe I should go see the nurse, I don't really feel too well.

Allen walked his way to the nurse's station, and waited to be checked on.

"Hello. I'm the substitute for the nurse today. Could you tell me what's wrong with you today?" asked a very familiar man in a very happy, bubbly way.

Allen winced at the man's voice. "Hello Komui. My head really hurts like it's splitting open and going to explode. It's hard to think. And I'm a little dizzy. And could you please not talk so loud?"said Allen, his hand holding his head and hopefully hiding his face of pain. "Ugh, and I'm starting to feel a little sick..."

"Uh-oh, just a sec." Komui grabbed a bucket. "Here you go."

Allen threw up in the bucket. "This is bad..."

"Shh, shh, just lay down here. I'll clean this up and be back in a flash." said Komui quietly as he left.

Komui was back in a matter of minutes with a little jar of pills, a bucket of cold water and some rags. He put one on Allen's forehead, and another on the back of his neck. "These are a pain medication for migraines. That's probably what you have right now. I'd like you to take one of these. It will knock you out for a couple hours. I can call your guardian and he can come pick you up if you aren't awake by one hour after school."

"Don't call Cross. And I don't like medicines." said Allen very worriedly

"Very well, I won't call him if it bugs you that much. I can't force you to take the medicine, but I hope you do. Until then I have more cold cloths to help you." said Komui. "I'll stay right here with you until this passes. Substitute nurse is more important than substitute teacher after all. And I'm just paid to help wherever I can." said Komui as he smiled.

"Thank you..." said Allen drowsily. He closed his eyes and tried to drift off, but it wasn't working. His head hurt too much. After about fifteen minutes, Allen spoke again. "Komui... still... there?"

"Yes I am. What do you need?" he asked

"Drugs... and water?" asked Allen

"I've got it for you right here. You need to sit up to take it, so I'm going to help you up a little. It's going to make your headache worse, but it'll go away in no time at all." said Komui.

"Sure... it won't... be... bad drugs...?" asked Allen

"I promise. And you can sue me and the school board for all the money we have if I'm lying. In fact, it's legal if you do." said Komui lightheartedly

"Won't... be enough... to help..."said Allen

"That's a blow to my paycheck right there." Komui laughed lightly, "And I don't really understand. But let me help you up to take this."

As Komui lifted Allen up, he couldn't really suppress a hiss and groan of pain as his headache intensified at least twofold, or so it felt to him. Once he was all the way up, he couldn't help but let out a brief shout due to the pain.

"Easy, easy. You're doing great Allen. Just take a small sip of water. That's good. Now I'm going to put this pill in your mouth, and I want you to hold it on your tongue, okay? Perfect, you're doing excellent. Now take another small sip of water and start swallowing everything. Just keep going. That's a good boy." coaxed Komui

As the boy started going limp, Komui removed the glass of water from his lips, knowing he'd swallowed the pill and was falling into unconsciousness. He lay Allen down on the nurses bed and debated whether or not to call the boy's guardian. He saw the worried look on the boy's face and suspected something bad at home. Well, Komui wasn't a real nurse, just someone helping out, a trained bystander if you will. He doesn't technically need to call anyone. And he was really nervous about what awaited the boy that the money of the school board couldn't pay off.

* * *

It was about seven in the evening when Allen woke up. He felt a little disoriented, but a lot better than earlier. Then he remembered what happened before falling asleep, and the drugs. He yelped.

"Allen, you're up! That was fast. What's wrong, does it still hurt?" Komui asked frantically, not knowing why the young boy would be yelping.

"Y-Y-You're Komui and y-you're in Science a-an-and you s-said y-you were he-he-helping me and y-y-you g-gave me d-drugs. I-I-I hate drugs. W-What if you d-d-did something? Wh-WHAT HAPPENED!" Allen shouted frantically

"Nothing! Nothing happened! I was sitting here waiting for you to wake up. I walked into the other room not but twenty seconds ago to get coffee. It's the only time. You're safe now. Hush. It's okay. It's okay." Komui tried to reassure the boy as he gave him a small hug.

"Don't you touch me!" hissed Allen, still shaking a little.

"Okay, very well." said Komui, immediately letting him go and backing away. "It's glad to see that you're better. You had a migraine, and I helped you take care of it with some painkillers. You were in no state to go home, so I kept you here. How you even managed to walk to the nurse's station is impressive in itself, since you were in the full attack of it when you got here. You must have good balance, and an even better pain tolerance."

"Yeah, if you say so. What time is it again?" asked Allen

"It's about 7:05pm right now, if you'd like me to dri-" Komui started to offer

"That's okay, gotta run home, bye!" said Allen as he tried to run off. He tripped immediately and crashed to the floor painfully.

"Some side effects are weakness in your muscles. It's only temporary and shouldn't last more than an hour after you've woken up. If you let me drive you home, the effects should wear off before we get to your house." Komui offered.

"I don't have much choice then. Very well. But drop me off a few blocks away, so Cross doesn't see you." Allen requested. To Komui, it didn't appear that he'd willingly go with him otherwise.

"Alright, is that''s what you want. Now come on. Let's get to my car." said Komui

Cross is going to kill me. Really really kill me this time. I guess that won't be so bad... NO! It is bad. Because my life is supposed to matter to me. Because that's normal. This is going to be really bad. It'll probably be even worse than last time, now that I'm bigger and he knows what he can do...

A look of extreme pain and anxiety came over Allen's face briefly as he entered Komui's car. It was there for only a second before being replaced with his mask, but Komui caught it.

"Are you still in pain from the migraine?" Komui asked, knowing this wasn't really what caused the look that he saw, but decided to give the boy an excuse to talk if he said no, or to not talk if he said yes, whichever way he wanted it.

Allen didn't seem to get that. He went for part of the truth. "No. It doesn't hurt. I'm fine."

"Then is something else bothering you?" Komui asked

"Nothing at all." said Allen

"But what about that look you just had?" asked Komui

"I was just smiling. Nothing else. Smiling doesn't mean something's wrong, now does it?" Allen denied.

The conversation dropped there, Komui knowing that this wouldn't go anywhere. He understood what it was like not to want to talk about problems, especially if they were of the sort that he suspected. He knew it too well. For this reason Komui didn't push. He just drove Allen two blocks from his house.

"Can you walk now?" he asked

"Yes. I seem to be fine. Thanks Komui. I'll see you tomorrow." said Allen politely

"You can come to me whenever you like and I'll help you out, just stop by. I'll see you tomorrow." said Komui as he drove off, hoping Allen would get the underlying message.

Allen did, and it made him that much more scared. He couldn't let this guy near him. He gave him drugs. Something he hated and held a fear for. He must have really been out of it to accept any in the first place. But that's done. Now he had something else to fear. Cross's rage. And a measly headache on Allen's part wouldn't account for a missed dinner on Cross's. This was going to be a really bad night.

* * *

"Where have you BEEN you idiot child? I've been starving here for hours and you don't have the decency to show up. It's after 7:30 already so I had to spend some of my hard-earned money on this disgusting pizza and you can't even apologize to me? Get out of my sight." said Cross, taking a swig from his bottle and not giving Allen a chance to speak or defend himself. Allen went to his room.

* * *

When Cross came in later, staggering around drunk, Allen screamed and cried in fear. Cross grabbed him roughly and started hitting him, hard. He beat and beat on Allen until his shirt was stuck with spots of blood. Cross drained his energy punching the kid's chest and kicking his side, then made his way out the door.

Allen lay one the floor, in his own silent Hell, tears dripping down the side of his sweaty, dirty face, waiting for the sound of Cross's snores to indicate his drunken slumber.

* * *

"Tim? You're listening right? You always listen. I shouldn't have done that earlier. I shouldn't but I did. I shouldn't get a migraine. And then I shouldn't take drugs for it. I won't next time. I'll stop the migraines somehow. I'll learn, no matter how much it hurts. Because this hurts in two places Tim, but that only hurt in one. That only hurt my head, but this hurts my skin and my heart. It hurts to breathe Tim. It's been a long time since Cross has hit me like that. But at least it wasn't as bad as I thought, right Tim? I love you Tim. You're my only real friend in the world. You don't hate me because you're a stuffed gold ball thingy and you can't hate me. And if you can't hate me, then I love you for it, because you're the only one. I wish I could get there and cuddle you Tim, but I don't think I can move right now. Maybe I'll drown in my own tears, my face is so close to the ground. But it wouldn't be over. Leave one Hell only to go to another. People insist there's a life after death right? I don't believe, but if there is, I won't be going anywhere nice. The judges of fates or whatever will cast my cursed face and cursed body to a cursed afterlife of damnation. And it's all what I deserve, right Tim? Because that's what someone like me should get... someone like... me..."

And Allen drifted off into a deep deep sleep.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry I haven't updated in a bit. Job, Practicum, lots of stuff happening. I had another chapter ready earlier, but then I decided that it'd come later in the story, so look forward to a double update sometime in the future! I'll try to update quickly! At least less than a week per chapter. That's my goal. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and tell me what you think!

Till next time

-Shippo704


	4. Awakening

Hope you enjoy the double update!

* * *

Warning: Language. Angst.

* * *

**Awakening**

* * *

_September 2007_

Komui was worried. He had dropped Allen off at his house about a week ago, but the boy hadn't been to school since. He had convinced the school not to call his home, but he still wondered what had happened to the boy and really hoped that it wasn't what he had suspected, although the evidence added up. Knowing this, it made Komui feel guilty on top of the worry, he should have stopped the boy from returning to his house, or at least called someone to help. The only things keeping Komui from doing this now were the fear that he may be wrong, and the fact that doing so could make it even worse if he's right. His experience told his that much.

He was very distracted, to say the least. While teaching the lessons to the Science classes for the teacher, he was once or twice corrected by the teacher, and several times by the students. He was a genius in Science in general, but he couldn't keep focused enough to prevent small mistakes and slips of the tongue.

Imagine that, a graduate with as impressive marks as he, mixing up Helium and homoeostasis. The two aren't even related. He must really be out of it.

All the time he stood up there explaining (or at least attempting) concepts to the students, he was thinking about the white haired boy missing from the seat in the far back corner.

He made up his mind, he would go and see Allen later whether or not it was a good idea, and he wouldn't talk himself out of it. He needed to help the boy. If he didn't, who else would? And he needed to know just what happened to the kid after he left him to walk himself home last week.

* * *

_One week ago_

The day after Cross had barged into his room and shown Allen his anger, Allen woke up, dazed and in the middle of the floor. His torso was stiff and hurt a lot, his breaths were shallow and very painful, his head ached, his eyes were sore, and his arms and legs felt like achy lead. He still felt tired, very tired, but that didn't really matter. He stole a glance at his alarm clock and realized the time.

Oh no, it's 2pm already? Cross is gonna kill me again! Oh no oh no ohnoohnoohnoohnoohno. I just need to run away. No, he'll catch me. But I can get out the window with my bag and walk in soon and pretend that I was at school. As long as I get the phone when the school calls, Cross won't care. He won't even notice. He's never awake when I leave, and there's no reason he'd come to look on me. He didn't when it was on the weekends, so why would he when I'm not even supposed to be here? Right? Okay. Now I've just gotta get up...

Allen tried to get up. His body wouldn't respond. He figured that he was just tired and his nerves were a little overworked. He tried a little harder. This time, he felt pain. A sharp pain shot through his lungs as he was able to shift his body slightly. He did his best to muffle to the noise, but still ended up with a harsh gasp. It hurt to breathe even more now, but he still had to get up. He had to fool Cross. He pushed himself up as hard as he could and managed to make it to a sitting position.

His pounding head spun, and every part of his body still hurt terribly. He couldn't use his arms or legs with any decent sense of coordination. His plan for fooling Cross by climbing out the window just figuratively went out the window.

A sense of panic started to set in as he realized that he couldn't do anything to prevent what was coming. Soon enough, Cross would come in, hungry and wanting revenge for Allen not bringing him food on time. His breathing, already tight after the beating, became even more shallow and short than before. Lightheadedness soon joined him along with a headache and dizziness, and Allen fell over on the floor sideways, giving his body that much more to complain about.

The quietest of yelps came from Allen as he hit the floor. Immediate fear seized him and he stopped breathing while he waited, trembling on the floor, for Cross to come after him. After a few minutes, Allen's body reflexively began breathing again for him, although still not very deep. The rapid shallow breathing needed to restore his oxygen made him once again lightheaded as he continued to lay on the floor in fear.

Well, I'm screwed now. I'm totally fucked. Totally totally fucked. So damn fucked. _Yeah you're fucked all right and all for spite, you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye. Totally fucked will they mess you up? Well you know they're gonna try. _Well I know I'm gonna die. That's such a damn cheerful tune! Why did it have come into my head now? Yeah, I know, 'cause I'm fucked. And I'm gonna die just as soon as Cross finds me. But it's not like I don't deserve it, I mean, it was my fault. I was late home yesterday and missed his dinner. It's my fault I let a stupid headache ruin my life. I don't remember it, but it couldn't have been worse than this. It's all my fault. I never should have gotten it in the first place and never should have gone to the nurse's station and never should have taken the stupid pills! I HATE pills. HATE them. They shouldn't ever be allowed near me. Ever.

But I can't fix it now. I'm not a time traveller. I can't change it. I'm good for nothing. A fucking good-for-nothing kid who can't do anything right because I'm such a pathetic freak and a loser and alone here because I'm an ugly monster freak. And my head hurts...

Allen cried silently as he did his best to shuffle himself to his bed, doing his best not to hurt himself any more. With a large effort that drained the rest of his energy, he somehow managed to get into the bed. He pulled himself up onto the mattress and passed out a few seconds later due to exhaustion and pain.

He didn't notice that it was 4:30 already, and that school had been done for a while. Cross didn't come to get him and the house was silent, not even a phone call.

* * *

When Allen woke up again, he still hurt badly and he was hungry. Very very hungry. But he couldn't move. He was disoriented and didn't know what day it was. His clock told him that it was 4:36. He didn't know if it was am or pm, because he couldn't make himself understand the amount of light in the room. He was dizzy again and felt very cold, but he couldn't get a blanket because he couldn't move his arms.

He coughed a little bit and his lungs shot with pain every time. He felt a some sort of warm liquid coming out of his mouth. Probably drool, he figured. Then passed out again, barely breathing as he once again became dead to the world.

* * *

Allen was in and out of it several times, and he didn't know what day it was anymore. He could figure out this time that it was about 3 in the afternoon, but he didn't know how long he'd been out. He knew it must have been at least a couple of days because his stomach hurt terribly with hunger as well as with pain.

Now in a little better frame of mind, he notice the red on his pillow. Blood. He couldn't figure out where it came from. His head didn't seem bruised, and all he did was lay there and sometimes cough a little. But he tried not to cough because it hurt the worst of everything.

He noticed that Cross hadn't come to get him yet. He wondered why. Maybe because he's dead? Maybe. That wouldn't be so bad. Cross couldn't get him now that he's dead.

I'm finally safe. I'm dead and safe. And I did it right. No one misses me. I'm not guilty. And that's why not having friends is good. Friends hurt you and friends make you feel guilty when you hurt yourself and die. That's right. I'm glad I don't have any fucking friends. It makes being dead easier. But why does it still hurt if I'm dead? Maybe when you die you always feel the same way you were the last time you were alive. This sucks. Now it's going to hurt for eternity! But now I know there's an afterlife. I didn't think it was real, but I guess I was wrong. Does that mean God exists too? If he does, he's still a motherfucking bastard. What did I ever do to him to deserve to hurt like this for eternity? And I'm not even fourteen yet! Oh right. I was a cursed and lonely and pathetic and ugly cruel monster freak. That's what I did. I got my arm burnt and scarred and I got my hair turned white. I guess I do deserve this, so maybe that God isn't such a bastard as I thought... He's just being fair...

Then Allen heard someone knocking at his from door. Not that he could reach it or call out to whoever was knocking. He figured it was a messenger of God here to tell him that he was dead and that he was going to suffer this pain for the rest of eternity, as he had guessed.

* * *

It was Komui at the door.

"Allen, you in there?" asked Komui. He'd gotten Allen's address from the school and knew vaguely where it was from driving him to this neighbourhood a week ago. "Mr. Cross, if you're here, please open up. I need to see your son, Allen. It's quite urgent."

He got no response, but decided to wait a couple of minutes just in case. He then tried again, this time a little more forceful.

"Cross, Allen, I know one of you must be in there. Open up, or I'll have to break the door or a window and come inside anyways." Komui shouted into the house. By this point he was really worried about Allen.

A couple minutes later, his patience had worn out. "Okay, that's it! I'm coming in, so don't you complain to me later!" Komui backed up and kicked the door several times with all of his strength. He couldn't break it down, so he beat it a little in frustration. Then he started shaking the handle. The door pooped open.

"Oh, I guess it was unlocked..." Komui said, embarrassed by his lack of common sense and not trying to open the door before attempting to kick it down.

He walked inside and smelled rotten food. He looked in the fridge and saw some unidentifiable mouldy stuff. It looked like the kitchen hadn't been touched for at least a week... Oh good God.

Komui ran upstairs to the room that he assumed would be Allen's room. He didn't see Cross anywhere, but he hoped that Allen would still be around Komui burst in and saw a small white haired boy laying one the bed, covered in nasty bruises and dried blood, and cuddled around a giant gold ball. He gasped, then ran back downstairs to call an ambulance.

He had been right all along. He had been right and he'd waited on it. He didn't do anything. How many times had he himself wished that there was someone out there to help him and not just ignore all the signs? He had betrayed this poor boy, and allowed him to live through Hell. It was his fault for bringing him home that night. Why? Why did he ignore it and not force the boy elsewhere? Even though Allen had refused any help, why didn't he do something anyways? The guilt just ate him up, but he managed to get the ambulance to the house to pick up the boy.

"He has a couple of broken ribs and severe bruising all over his torso. Luckily for him, his lungs aren't punctured. His arms and legs are also bruised badly, but thankfully not broken. And he has what look like a couple of recent self-harm scars on his legs. Luckily there are only a couple. But I can't be sure though, under this damage. It's a good thing you found him here sir. He also seems to be starving, quite literally, and he would have died soon without your intervention. You did good today kid, don't look so down." the ambulance worker explained and reassured. Komui looked like a very traumatized teenager at the moment, probably because he was very traumatized and still a teenager, though many seemed to forget that fact. "He will be okay and will probably be able to leave the hospital in a few weeks. He won't even miss enough school to fail. If he works, he'll still be able to pass his courses I'm sure."

"Can I come to the hospital with you? For when he wakes up? I'd like to speak with him when he does." Komui asked

"That's fine with me. You just watch yourself. You don't look to steady. We can give you a brief checkup while you're there too. Just come sit up here and we'll get the two of you on your way." said the ambulance worker.

"Thank you." said Komui

* * *

Komui was checked over and told to take it easy for a bit. If he needed to talk to someone to help get over the shock, he was give a list of names of psychologists who could help. He thanked the nurse and made he way to Allen's room, waiting for the young boy to wake up.

It seemed Allen would be lost to the world for some time yet, so Komui decided to take a nap in a chair in the room.

The next day, Komui heard a little coughing, and woke up to see the young boy wincing in pain, despite the painkillers that he was given.

"Where am I? I'm supposed to hurt more than this. Isn't that what God intended? Or am I just getting used to it. But I'm still in a different place. Why is it different? And where's Tim? Oh no! Where's Tim? I need Tim! Where is he?" Allen screamed as he worked himself up.

Komui got up to try to calm him. "It's okay Allen. Tim is taking a break for a while." He had no idea who Tim was. "You'll be fine. Just rest a little."

"Komui? Why are you here? Are you dead too? You must have died nicely, unlike me. I'm always in pain because I died this way. It's God's fitting punishment for something like me. I didn't believe he was real, but this proves it." Allen said

Komui was shocked to hear the boy thinking that he was dead, but he did his best not to show it. "No Allen, I'm not dead and neither are you. You're still alive and you're going to get better. Everything will get better."

"But that doesn't make sense. I have to be dead right?" asked Allen

"No. You were badly beaten by Cross, and I found you a week later when you weren't coming to school. You were on your bed, coughing up blood, so I called an ambulance. You're in the hospital now, but you can leave in a couple of weeks if you want. You won't even have a problem in school." explained Komui gently.

"But... I wanted to die... No! Don't say that Allen!" said Allen, tears rolling down his cheek. Komui was ignored.

But that comment startled Komui a bit. Referring to oneself in the third person is not a good thing unless done as a joke, roleplay, or some sort of drama activity or game. It's usually a sign of deep mental instability and looking at oneself from the outside so as not to have to be the one suffering, but merely the observer. Clearly Allen wasn't joking, playing a game, and not participating in some sort of act.

"Allen, if you ever need to talk to me about what happened, I'm here. I always will be." offered Komui

"No! Go away and leave me the fuck alone. I don't need friends here... I don't have friends... I don't want friends... I can't..." Allen trailed off as he once again fell asleep.

Once again, Komui was concerned, but decided to abide by Allen's wishes and leave. He didn't come back again, but as he left, he whispered softly to Allen, "I'm sorry I didn't stop you. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner."

With that, Komui turned his back and left.

* * *

_All alone, but still I hear their yearning. Through the dark, the moon, alone there, burning. _Allen dreamed the song, and felt it couldn't be more true. His soul, all alone and yearning for anyone to hear him. It sits there, dying. And no one could do a damn thing about it.

* * *

_October 2007_

Allen was back in school at the end of September and he felt really awkward in all of his classes after not having been there for a few weeks. It was his fault though. He'd just have to put up with it.

In music, Neah tried to question him, but eventually let it drop when Allen had made it clear that he wasn't answering.

In Geography, the teacher just pretended that he was any other student. He gave him the homework and a copy of the notes from the past few weeks, but said nothing. Allen was grateful.

In Science, Komui ignored him. He took Allen's words seriously, and he knew the boy would know that his offer to talk was still open. He figured Allen would be too stubborn to come to him, but he didn't push it. He knew how hard it was to be in Allen's position, or at least a very similar one.

In English, the teacher chewed him out a little bit for not keeping up with his reading while he was "sick." (That was Allen's excuse for missing class. He was really sick. All of his bandages were under his clothes so he didn't need excuses for those.) She figured that since he had so much time lying in bed, he would be the expert of the class on Harper Lee's _To Kill a Mockingbird_. Since he was not, she told him to catch up. In-class essays for the book were to begin next week and no extra time would be allowed for anyone for any reason other than death. Allen figured that that could be arranged, then quickly beat those thoughts out of his head.

* * *

Cross had not come back to the house. Allen was left alone there. He had cleaned up the house when he got back from the hospital, and realized that Cross hadn't been home the entire time. He must have fled, or at least gone on an affair with his latest girlfriend. Either way, it was a stroke of luck in Allen's case. Just as long as Cross wasn't around.

He really had to count his blessings. Cross hadn't taken it farther that time, although he very easily could have. It's not like Allen could have fought back. After all, what's a beaten up skinny thirteen year-old against a large, fully grown, fully capable (and strong-looking) and like Cross? Not much of an opponent.

After cleaning the house, he ran to his room and grabbed his best (and only, that he would allow) friend.

* * *

"Tim! I missed you so so so so so much! I'm glad you're okay. Nobody touched you right? You'll be fine? That's good. I'm glad you're doing well. Nobody hurt you or took you away. You're the only one I can count on Tim. I can't let anyone else get near me. All they'll do is hurt me. And then hurt me worse. No one can help. That's why I've got you Tim. You are always here when I need someone. And you will never betray me. I know that Tim. I don't even have to ask.

"And I'm really happy that I get to see you again. I didn't think I was capable of feeling happiness any more, but now I remember it. Just because I see you here Tim.

"I know you are probably tired Tim, but I need to ask if you could just listen to me for a little bit. I thought that I was dead when I was first in the hospital. I thought that I was dead and living in the same pain I died in was God's punishment upon me for being such a wicked and cursed person. Do you believe that Tim? I actually believed in God, in a deity. But I guess you can be desperate when you're dead huh? Or at least when you think you're dead. I almost sort of wish that I was...

"Bad Allen! Don't! I'm sorry Tim. I try really hard. These thoughts just pop up sometimes. I just want to be normal, that's why I'm trying to get rid of them. Being normal is what it takes to survive. Darwin's evolutionary theory. If you apply it to nature, and then plot a characteristic strength on a graph and compare it to a sample population, you will end up with a bell curve shape, if evolution progresses normally, and reaches a stable point. The normal, average ones are in the middle with the highest frequency of occurrence. Normal survives because it is wanted. Normal lives, the rest die. This is why I must be normal. Be normal or die. I almost did.

"At least I can still get food. They gave me food at the hospital because I was starving. For real, not just a figure of speech. Now I can make myself stuff again. That's a good part. And Cross can't complain because he's gone. I don't have him here... any... more..."

Allen cut off. The tears that were slowly falling before began falling much more quickly, in a steady stream. These new tears were not tears full of pain, regret, or sadness. These one's were tears of relief.

Now I can continue school as normal. I can be normal for once. Maybe. I can try. And maybe then, everything will be okay. Maybe it'll be okay. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

But I somehow doubt it.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry for the shorter chapter this time. Hope that wasn't too angsty for you. I tried not to make it too bad. But let me know if you want more or less. Also, the two songs are _Totally Fucked_ and _Those You've Known_ from the musical Spring Awakening. As is the title of the chapter. I recently saw this musical, and it was AWESOME! If anyone out there likes musicals, I would highly recommend it. Leave a review and tell me what you thought, even if you think it was bad. I can take it! ;)

Till next time

-Shippo704


	5. Flower Power

**A/N**: Sorry for the weird chapter title. It'll make sense at the end though. Sort of, at least. I hope. Anyways. WARNING: This contains scenes of Allen being nice. Hope it doesn't spoil your opinions of the story. =P

**Disclaimer**: I don't own D. Gray-Man.

* * *

**Flower Power**

* * *

_December 2007_

Time passed by normally, as Allen expected. His cut on his leg healed up and didn't even leave a scar, luckily enough. Cross didn't come back, but Allen certainly wasn't complaining. His classes were more interesting than they had been last year, in fact, some were even a little challenging sometimes. Neah was completely ignored during Music class. Allen didn't want to talk about Mana, nor did he want to associate with anyone who claimed to be related to him, but he couldn't just leave the class. So he did the next best thing he could think of, ignore the teacher.

In Science, Komui still taught most of the classes. The teacher was lazy and Komui had gotten just about perfect in every Science course that the school offered. Despite his outward personality, he was still a very smart man. With a sister complex, as the class found out very shortly after the beginning of the year. Some kid asked Komui about his family and he ranted on for a full half hour about how wonderful and beautiful his sister is, then leaving the class with a scary warning to never EVER touch his sister, or stalk her, or talk to her in any dirty way, or mean way, or hurt her, or get too friendly with her, or smile too widely at her, or take her away from him and marry her... the list goes on. Allen decided that Komui was insane and that he should avoid Lenalee at all costs. He didn't want to get on Komui's bad side.

Krory said hello and goodbye to Allen for a while after they had started school, but eventually gave up when he figured out that Allen didn't really care. It wasn't that Allen didn't care, per say, but that Allen wanted to avoid all social contact that he could. The cold barrier that Allen put up just made Krory think that Allen didn't care and didn't really like him very much.

This wasn't exactly true, because Allen didn't care too much one way or the other about Krory. He was still suspicious, of course, but had never actually done anything wrong, so Allen just kept his distance. He figured Krory was just another bystander who would ignore his presence eventually, and eventually, Krory did. Sort of. He stopped saying hello and goodbye, but if Allen had looked, he would have seen a sad and longing look in Krory's eyes. A look that said that Krory was lonely and wanted to make a friend.

* * *

Okay. I've got a summative in Music, but that isn't due until after Christmas, so I have the break to do that. I have a paper due in Geography on Friday and a travel log and brochure due in January. More work for the break. The paper I'll have to finish by tomorrow. In Science, we only have the problems from the current unit and we have research homework for the break. And in English it's an in-class essay. So I'm good there. Okay. Friday: Geography paper and Science problems. Break: Music, start Geography, and Science research. Not too bad. If I work for about two hours tonight, the paper should be done, then I'll have tomorrow to edit it. As for the Science problems, I can start them during lunch and then get my estimate for how long they'll take me. This won't be so bad. I've only got three days of school left until the break. Everything will be okay.

Allen got off the school bus and headed straight for his locker, thinking about his plans for how to responsibly finish all of his homework before and during the break. At his locker, he was startled.

"Hello Allen. Good morning." said Krory

"H-Hello Krory." Allen responded. He found this odd as Krory hadn't spoken to him in over a month. He was startled enough to stutter and actually respond back.

"I realized that it was Christmas time and decided that it would be nice to give out gifts to my friends. But since I don't really have friends yet, I felt I should give my locker mate something nice. And maybe we might have a chance to become friends?" asked Krory

"I don't really know what you're playing at," Allen said defensively, "but thanks anyways, I guess. If it doesn't try to hurt me, embarrass me, or do anything, than sure, I guess we can be friends."

Did I really just say that? But it's probably something terrible anyways. I won't really have to be his friend. No one in their right mind would want to befriend me except to hurt me in some way.

"Really! You mean it? I'm so HAPPY! Thank you Allen! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" exclaimed Krory with an unreasonable amount of happiness. He'd just made his first friend.

"I haven't opened it yet. Don't count your blessings." said Allen

"But the fact that you're talking to me and not acting the same way you do to everyone else proves it enough doesn't it? Either way, it makes me happy." said Krory, still beaming.

"Very well. I'll open it here and now I guess. To make you go away if nothing else when this proves to be a stupid prank to make me angry." said Allen viciously

The smile fell from Krory's face faster than water slides off a window. "I didn't think you'd feel that way. After all, I've never done anything but say hello and goodbye to you. I hoped you'd give me a chance. But I guess not. No one else seems to look at me as a person. I'm just a vampire out to kill you all. A monster. Not even human." And with that, Krory walked quickly away to his first class, hoping that no one would notice the small tears that he tried to hide in the corners of his eyes.

Allen felt a little guilty.

Why did I say that. That didn't go through my mask. He must've caught me at a bad time, thinking and all, but I still should have been more on guard. I shouldn't have been that mean yet. But he probably is trying to prank me.

Allen opened the gift.

Inside was a beautiful, well-tended flower and a small note in the side of its dish.

_Dear Allen,_

_I know we haven't spoken much this year, but I was hoping that we could be friends this year. It would please me greatly if you'd come by sometime, so that we can hang out or talk or do whatever it is that you like, because you seem kind of lonely sometimes. I heard you like food, so I tended this small strawberry flower for you. Keep it in a warm place and give it lots of sunlight and water (preferably in the morning to avoid root and leaf diseases)._

_I hope you have a very Merry Christmas._

_Hopefully your friend,_

_-Arystar Krory the Third_

Now Allen felt very guilty. He'd just torn out the poor guy's heart with what he'd just said. And after hearing that he didn't have any friends due to his appearance struck an empathetic chord within Allen that he'd thought was long dead.

Oh my God. I can't believe I said all that stuff to him. I'm such an awful person! Why? Why must I always screw everything over for myself? Why can't I just behave properly and stop causing everyone around me, including me, so much pain? What's wrong with me? I need to make this up to him somehow.

Allen decided to be a bad student this day and skip his Music class. (Don't skip class! It's actually important!) He figured that he was getting a good enough mark in that class already, and Neah seemed to want to make it up to him for the first day, so he probably wouldn't call home. Allen wasn't terribly worried. And Cross wouldn't ever know, because he wouldn't get a phone call, even if he was still at home.

Allen walked around the town near the high school. It was a bit of a walk to get there, but he figured that he still had time if he skipped Geography too. The teacher didn't take attendance, so he figured he'd be safe. Between Music, Geography, and lunch, Allen figured he could get a back, some tissue wrap, and a nice small gift to make it up to Krory for what he'd said earlier.

But Allen didn't know the first thing about Krory, or what he liked.

You've dug yourself into a real deep well of trouble Allen. You don't know anything about this guy, except that he looks like a vampire. But I suppose getting him blood would terribly offend him, based on what he had said earlier. So think harder! What do I know about him?

His name is Arystar Krory the Third

He wants to be my friend

He looks like a vampire, but really isn't one

He hates being judged by his appearance

...

Grr! None of this is really helpful! Think harder! What has he said to you at all since the first day of school? He's said hello and he's said goodbye. Great. What can I do with that? Nothing. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to be such an idiot? Especially when it matters! Wait, am I caring about someone?

This thought stopped Allen in his tracks.

I guess I am. It feels really weird. Very uncomfortable. I like it, but at the same time, I really don't think I want to feel this 'caring' thing again. Or empathy, or sympathy, or whatever it's called. I don't like it. But lets see, what did he say to me on the first day?

"_I-I-I'm so sorry! I was just trying to open my locker and it got stuck and I must have pulled too hard and I disturbed you! I'm very very sorry!" apologized a tall student with pale skin and hair that looked like a skunk. He was dressed in all long black clothing, making him look sort of like a vampire._

"_Don't apologize to me. It's not worth the effort. Let me help you." said Allen_

"_Th-Thank you very much. I am grateful. And my name is Arystar Krory the third. Most people call me Krory though. I guess we're sort of locker mates, having lockers right next to each other." said Krory_

"_Maybe more like neighbours. My name is Allen. Nice to meet you Krory, resident of locker 650." said Allen, smiling with his mask._

"_Nice to meet you. Say, what's your schedule like? Maybe we have some of the same classes this year." said Krory_

"_Music, Geography, Science, English." said Allen._

"_We do have classes together! My schedule is French, Geography, Science, and Gym!" said Krory excitedly, "I know someone! And won't be alone! Alone... all alone..."_

"_You're right. I'll see you in Geography then." said Allen, leaving Krory behind, looking sad._

Okay, continue the list.

He seems kind of timid, shy, or at least a little awkward around people

He tries to appease others instead of standing up for himself

He's kind of lonely

We have two classes together... That's a stupid one to put on the list

And the first three weren't? Wait, why am I numbering my thoughts...?

Okay. Not terribly helpful. Just that I hurt him more than I thought. Why do I always have to be such a terrible person? Oh well. I'll get my due punishment soon enough, for sure. God knows it happens too much. But lets look at the letter this time.

_I know we haven't spoken much this year, but I was hoping that we could be friends this year. It would please me greatly if you'd come by sometime, so that we can hang out or talk or do whatever it is that you like, because you seem kind of lonely sometimes. I heard you like food, so I tended this small strawberry flower for you. Keep it in a warm place and give it lots of sunlight and water (preferably in the morning to avoid root and leaf diseases)._

I_ hope you have a very Merry Christmas._

He is a thoughtful person, thinking of my likes

He is observant (He noticed the loneliness and that I love food, but that doesn't require too much careful observation)

He seems to know a bunch about flowers... Does he like flowers and gardening a lot?

Maybe he does. If I can find him a nice flower too, I'm sure I can make this up to him. Then we can go back to ignoring each other like normal. We won't be friends. We can't be. Allen Walker does not have friends. Never has, never will. I will just keep walking forward. Just like Mana said...

With this, Allen got small tears in his eyes.

I can't think about Mana right now. I have to keep walking. I have to fix this problem I've created so that everything can go back to normal. I just need to buy Krory some sort of Christmas present plant. So what kinds of flowers are good, and what can I find at this time of year?

Allen walked into the nearest store because he was starting to feel a little cold.

God! It's freezing out there! Why did I have to do something like this in the winter. There won't be flowers in the winter. God I'm and idiot! Why? Why? Why? Why am I so dumb?

Allen mentally cursed himself and while he was doing so, happened to look up. He had walked into a Loblaws and there were poinsettias decorating the stairs and rails. Of course he had to walk into a food store.

Why was I such an idiot as to not look up sooner? Oh well. I figured it out anyways. I'll just grab a poinsettia, a small one, and a bag, and some tissue paper. Time to pay and make Krory a nice-looking gift.

With that, Allen paid for the flower and gift supplies and walked back to the school where lunch was about to start. He headed to his stairwell quickly, before any teachers could catch him skipping class. Thank god I'm back here. I don't ever want to have to walk in that cold again. But now I just have to wrap it, sneak it to my locker, and then at the end of the day, wait for Krory at the lockers and give ti to him and apologize.

This was easier said than done. Krory wasn't in Science class that day and he didn't show up at the lockers at the end of the day. Nor did it seem he came to school at all the next day. Allen was hoping that the flower didn't die before he could give it as a gift. It was expensive and giving a dying gift is hardly a nice thing to do to someone who hasn't done anything but try to be nice. So far at least. Allen couldn't quite shake his suspicions about the vampire-boy completely.

On the last day before the holidays, Allen saw Krory before first class. He was relieved.

"Krory, I'd like to apologize for my terrible behaviour two days ago and that I'm sorry for anything I have said, especially since it seemed to have hurt you deeply." Allen said politely. Krory clenched his teeth and looked kind of angry, but also like he'd cry from the pain of remembering that day. "If you don't forgive me, I can understand, truly. You aren't the only one with an appearance that stands out. As a gift of truce, I would like to give you this. Merry Christmas Krory." And with that, Allen walked away and went to first period.

A speechless and still hurt Krory was standing in the hall, a little suspicious of the gift and of the boy who'd given it to him. The boy had treated him terribly and said nasty things to him. Why was he acting so polite all of a sudden? Why was he giving a gift? Then he remembered what Allen had said about his own gift being a prank. Maybe the boy was pranking him like the others always did... or maybe he had a conscience?

Krory like to believe in the best of all people, so he stuck with the latter choice. That isn't to say that he didn't open the bad carefully just in case. When he looked in, he definitely didn't expect to see what he saw. He saw a small red poinsettia in a little colourful pot, waiting for its next master to care for it. But how did Allen know that he liked flowers?

* * *

It was the end of the day. Classes were done and hordes of screaming teenagers fled the school, cheering for the break and all of the procrastination that they would do over the next two weeks.

Allen grabbed his stuff from his locker when he was greeted quite surprisingly by Arystar Krory's arms wrapping around his head and hearing, "Thank you very much Allen! I love it! Does this mean that you want to be my friend? Really? I'm so HAPPY! I never thought I would make friends here, but now I've got one and it's the happiest day of my life. I want to thank you very very much. You're my first real friend Allen Walker. I hope you can come to my place and visit soon. Any day, anytime. Anything for my friend."

Krory was crying with happiness as he hugged Allen tightly, but not too tightly to restrict his breathing. Allen tensed and struggled to get away from Krory's embrace, but Krory didn't notice. He didn't see the almost frantic look in his new friend's eyes, begging for an escape, and for him to let go and to keep his warm and friendly touch away.

* * *

**A/N**: This final scene is based on how I made my own first friend in high school, loosely. People are forgiving, usually, and Allen finally has a friend! (I hope you enjoyed the mental image of Krory jumping all over Allen with excitement) Can't wait to see where this goes, and what happens next. (Even though I already know) There will be more angst in the next chapter. I feel like I need to balance the upcoming angst with some lighter stuff. He is a sweet guy, he just doesn't seem to know it yet. He can be nice to people when he puts down that mask. Anyways, I realized too late that I wanted Krory's gift from Allen to be a flower and thought, "What flowers grow in December?" Then I remembered my job and the millions (not really) of poinsettias we sold at Christmas. So that was a little luck. And Krory grew the strawberry plant in a greenhouse in his castle. Anyways, sorry for the long note, but I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you think! I'll keep writing as long as I know at least one person likes it. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	6. Endurance Test

**A/N**: Still don't own D. Gray Man, and I never will! Enjoy this story though! Sorry about taking a bit to update. I checked back earlier today (yesterday now) and realised I hadn't posted in over half a week. . So I took a couple hours and threw this together. Hope you like it!

**Warning**: Allen torture, mild mild language. And a little angst. I think that's all in this chapter.

* * *

GreenGreyBlue: a poinsettia is a bright red star-ish-shaped flower with two layers of petals on the flower. Poinsettias are a bushy sort of plant and are sold by the truckload at Christmas time. I hope that answers your question, and if not, Google has good pictures. =)

* * *

**Endurance Test**

* * *

_December 2007_

Christmas break. Another pointless and painful holiday. I hate Christmas. There is no Santa Claus who delivers gifts to the children, only terrible parents lying to their children, and worse parents beating their children down to make themselves feel better over the holidays. Never was there a worse time of year. I really hate Christmas. It was the day I got everything and then it was the day that I lost everything. I wish that December 25th would never come. Live through the days up to the 24th, then skip straight to the 26th. If only. The world doesn't work that way. Unless the month ended at 24 days, the 25th day would still come. If day 25 was skipped, then day 26 would become the new 25. Because numbers count up in a specific order. Stupid numbers. I hate Christmas.

It's been two days. Two days since school finished. Two days since Krory attacked me with that hug. Two days since I decided that I would be nice to someone. That was a stupid idea. It still makes me shake that he was hugging me and being so up in my face. Why would he do that? I'm a freak, a monster, and he acts sincerely like he wants to be my friend. Even though that's not possible. Not in the least. He just wants to get me alone so that he can torture me for himself. Hopefully he's not a real vampire. Because if he gets me alone... I'm not strong enough anymore. I wouldn't be able to fight him off.

First he'd get me into a small room, then lock the door. Next, he would tell me that we were about to have some "fun". Fun for him anyways. And he'd chuckle evilly, of course. Then he'd back me into a corner or against a wall and grip my shoulders tightly. Shortly after, he'd throw me to the ground and jump on top of me, beat me a little for trying to squirm away from him. Then when I comply, he'd bite into my neck and drink the warm, thick liquid from my neck. And then in the middle of that, or maybe when he's done he'll... he'll... just like master...

Allen noticed he was crying as his breathing was quickly going out of control. Imagining an attack from a vampire, or Krory, was a bit too realistic for him, and the images were a little too close to home. His heart was racing and his breathing escalated into hyperventilation as he kept remembering things that he had desperately wished he could forget.

Allen didn't know how long he'd been sitting there crying, but he had made his way to his bed at some point and started cuddling Tim for comfort. It helped a little, but Tim couldn't really hug back. Allen told himself he liked it better that way. Stuffed toys could easily replace people, after all, what were people good for? He could make his own food, live without talking, grow plants if he had too, hunt, build things, do whatever he needed. He didn't need people.

_RIIIING! RIIIING!_

"Why the hell is the phone ringing?" Allen asked aloud. "No one ever calls this place but debt collectors. I hope it's not master..."

_RIIIING! RIIIING!_

"Pleasepleaseplease don't be master." Allen told himself as he inched nervously towards the phone, knowing that if it was Cross, he was in a lot of trouble for letting the phone ring for so long.

_RIIIING! RIIIING!_

"Maybe I just shouldn't pick it up... No! Master will be even more angry at me! And he might do worse..." Allen's voice was shaky now. He was terribly afraid of Cross being on the other end of the line. He reached slowly toward the phone and tried to keep him hand from having the seizure that it appeared to be having right now.

_RIIIING! RIII-_

He shakily grabbed the phone and brought the phone in hes unsteady hand to his ear.

"H-Hello? M-M-Master M-Marian Cr-Cross's resid-dence." Allen said nervously into the phone.

"Allen, is that you?" said a familiar voice on the other end. Allen couldn't place it, but he knew he knew this voice. "Don't tell me you forgot me already. Or my invitation." The voice now sounded sad. Why couldn't he figure out who this was? "I-It's me. Ar-Arystar Krory the third. I'm sorry if I was bothering you. I should just hang up now."

Krory! That's who it was! Allen felt massive relief. "Kr-Krory? H-How did you get my number? And no I didn't forget you or your invitation. Well, I did forget the invitation I suppose." He decided that saying that he forgot would be better than ignoring it because he believed that Krory would only hurt him or embarrass him (or both) if he ever took him up on the offer.

"I got your number from the school. They seemed to be glad that someone was asking for you." Krory sounded much happier now. Allen suspected sadism. He wasn't unfamiliar with that concept. "I was thinking of hosting a small Christmas party this year at my castle. It's big and it has a lot of space, so I figured it would be a good spot... And you can bring your family along too if you want." Krory seemed halfway between fear of declination of the invitation and too much excitement in the potential of it's acceptance by Allen.

"Umm I wasn't planning to go out this year, Krory." Allen said, trying to be polite, but not succeeding too well as he was surprised.

"Oh, that's okay then. You don't have to come. I just offered. I'm sorry." Krory sounded as put out as he could possibly be by Allen's decline.

"But that doesn't mean that I can't make plans!" Allen said quickly. Damn! Why was he being nice to this guy who was clearly only out to get him? "I can be there. What time?" Allen said slowly and carefully did his best to sound polite."

Why am I being such an idiot? He only wants to hurt me. Why am I walking into this painfully obvious set up? Maybe I am a masochist? Or maybe not. I hate getting hurt. But I keep doing it? I don't get it. Wait, Krory just said something.

"You'll come! It starts at 7 on Christmas Eve, you can stay the night if you feel like. Or even show up early? But late is okay too! Just show up! It's going to be great! Thank you Allen! Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I will see you very soon my friend!" Krory said almost too quickly and excitedly. It was hard for Allen to keep up.

"No problem see you tomorrow at sev- He hung up on me!" Allen said as Krory hung up on him. Apparently Krory was too excited to hear his friend's response. No. He was definitely too excited to start planning Allen's torture. Or continue planning. He probably had many torture instruments in that castle of his. And he'd probably disguise them as something innocent, just like the bullies did back then...

* * *

_May 2002_

_Road had a small, sturdy wooden hoop with some slits in the sides, about the size of a racket, and some metal twine. She was showing them off to everyone in the class (except Allen of course) and was bragging about how she would make the best tennis racket ever with the materials. It was supposed to be so amazing that it didn't even need a handle, but she might add one later if she felt it was too amazing for the world to handle._

_The great thing about these objects is that they're portable and you can take them anywhere. They're light and small and no one would suspect them as devices meant to cause someone terrible pain. But that's what Road really brought them to school for. She just used the disguise of a personal craft project to let everyone accept the strange materials she had, and not be suspicious of what they looked like later. It wouldn't be the world's best racket for tennis, but it would be one of the best in the world for torture and pain, physical in the present and psychological in the future._

_First thing's first. She's got to get Allen to go to the back corner of the school at recess, behind a long wall where the teachers won't see them. She already knew just how to get Allen to go along with her. She knew one of his greatest weaknesses and wasn't above exploiting it._

"_Hey Allen, want to come play with me at recess?" asked Road as she walked up to him in class. They had a study time, so they were allowed to walk around and cooperate with others to finish the homework. It wasn't surprising that she walked up to him, she never did homework, and Allen's was always perfect._

"_No. Go away Road. Last time we 'played' together, you and Tyki and Earl tortured me. I don't want to." said Allen as he turned away from her to continue working._

"_But I just wanted to have fun with you. Just you and me. I always kinda liked you. And Tyki and Earl weren't going to be there. I can't have as much fun with you while they're around." said Road too innocently. She knew the double meaning behind her words, but Allen didn't catch it. He only heard that she liked him._

"_R-Really?" Allen asked, "are you sure?"_

"_Yes I'm sure! They don't know anything about this! And I also brought some mitarashi dango with me to school today. My mom made them specially for me because I asked her to make them for me and a friend. Because that's what we are, friends, right Allen?" Road said too sweetly._

_With the mention of mitarashi dango, Allen was sold._

"_Su-Sure. We can play at recess. It sounds like lots of fun!" Allen smiled, "But first we need to finish our homework, or else we have to stay inside at recess. And that would be really bad."_

"_Not a problem. You're smart, so you'll finish it fast and get all the right answers. Then I can just copy you." said Road. She was getting perfect homework as well as too much sadistic glee from this whole scheme of hers._

"_But that's wrong Road. Copying is cheating and cheating is wrong." said Allen._

"_Oh it's okay. It's only one time. And nobody will notice. Plus, it's what everyone else is doing too. Talking to each other to get answers is almost exactly the same as copying." said Road. It's not, but she wanted free perfect homework if she could get it._

"_Okay, I guess, but be really fast and sneaky about it. I don't want to get caught." said Allen_

"_Sure thing my friend." said Road with a big smile. She knew just how to manipulate him._

_She called me a friend. I'm so happy! I never had friends before! Because last time she was lying, but now she really wants to be my friend for real! This might be the best day of my life. The day I make a real friend and everything. This is so amazing! She really wants to be MY friend. I bet nobody in the world is happier than me right now because I have a friend!_

_Allen finished his homework and spent the rest of class eagerly awaiting recess and daydreaming with a stupidly happy grin stuck on his face._

_When the bell rang for recess, Allen was the first out of the class. He ran into the hall, tore off his indoor shoes, hardly stuck his feet into his outdoor shoes, and sprinted out the school doors and kept going until he was behind the wall. He wasn't late this time. No penalty games. No punishment. Just mitarashi dango and lots of fun with his new (and first that he remembers) friend. (He forgot the week that he and Daisya were friends)_

_Road showed up with her hoop, her metal twine, and a bag of mitarashi dango. She snuck the dango outside while the teachers weren't looking because food wasn't allowed on the playground. Allen eagerly asked if they could eat the dango first because he was STARVING. Road agreed. She felt that his pain would be worse if he was happy before she betrayed him. And she would most definitely betray him as best she could. More than he could think of._

"_So what do you want to play Road? There's lots of things we could do. But I can't choose. You do it. I'm too nervous." said Allen excitedly._

"_I would've picked anyways. We're going to play my favourite game." said Road, a giant sadistic grin, characteristic of her family, appearing on her face as she spoke._

"_Oh, and what's that?" asked Allen, completely missing her facial expression._

"_It's called '_Endurance Test_'" said Road, keeping the giant grin._

"_I've never heard of that. What's it like?" asked Allen, innocently, still not noticing her evil face._

"_It's like a mercy fight, except much better, and you can do more than just Indian Sunburns, and you don't have to stop when the person says mercy or uncle or whatever, you keep playing until one of you is exhausted. You're going to go first." said Road_

"_But I don't really like mercy fights. But you are my friend so I guess I should play it if it's your favourite game. But maybe you should go first. You know how to play better than me. It's my first time." said Allen, unaware of what was about to happen next._

"_No, no. I _insist_." said Road as she pushed Allen to the ground._

"_Wh-Wh-What are you d-doing Road?" stammered Allen, no longer excited and just a little bit afraid of his new friend. Her smile didn't look very nice anymore._

"_I'm beginning your first round of '_Endurance Test_'" explained Road simply. "It's going to be so much fun!" she giggled._

_She took her twine and began. First she threaded it through his hair, sort of braiding it because his hair was long enough. He seemed to relax, just a little because she wasn`t doing anything to hurt just yet. She was trying to make him comfortable while setting it all up before she destroyed him._

_After braiding the twine through his hair in several places, she let the loose ends of the twine hang down around his neck and shoulders while she reached down beside her and picked up her hoop. "We're gonna take this nice and slow Allen. Don't move too much" she said, hoping he'd struggle a lot, the struggles were only going to bring pain._

_Allen became very tense as she said this, and so scared that he couldn't move at all. He was a deer-in-the-headlights, frozen in fear. Then Road gently put the hoop over his head and let it rest on his shoulders for a second while she looked at him thoughtfully, as if wondering where to begin._

_This is exactly what she was doing. She soon decided that she would start with the piece of hair on the right side of his forehead, and work around the head until she got to the left side of his face. She held up the hoop and began by putting the first bit of twine through the first slat and then tying it, remembering to leave plenty of slack in the twine. Then, she twisted the hoop clockwise around his neck, and put the second piece of twine in the slat one to the left of the first, once again leaving slack in the twine. As she continued, Allen ended up with a very wide 'choker collar' on his neck that was tightening around his neck every time that Road twisted it to add more twine. It was pulling his hair, biting his neck, and choking him a little bit._

"_Road, I give up. This isn't fun anymore. Please stop. We're friends. We aren't supposed to hurt each other, right?" said Allen, quietly and nervously._

"_Fun? We haven't even started the fun yet, this is just the preparation. And friends are around to provide pleasure to their other friends. You're giving me pleasure by being in pain. If you already feel hurt now, it just builds the anticipation of what's yet to come even higher." she said gleefully_

_Allen remained silent, as he knew he was helpless to protect himself from this evil girl. And he really wanted to stay friends if he could. Things could always get better later. Maybe this was just an initiation or something. A test to see if he was worthy. But deep down, he knew that that was not the case, that he was just being tortured. And just because he was him. There was nothing wrong with him. He looked normal, he talked normal, he was just shy, so people picked on him._

_Allen hoped she would be done soon. Recess couldn't be too much longer, could it? But that didn't mean that people would go inside when they're supposed to. Teachers couldn't even see them behind this wall to stop Road. Even if he yelled, it would be too quiet because the playground is too noisy, and full of children screaming with happiness as they slid down the slide or got caught when playing Grounders or Sandman. Allen faced the fact that he was totally screwed._

_Then, Road tied off the last piece. Allen could hardly breathe and he was starting to get a headache. Maybe it was not breathing well that caused it, or maybe it was pulling his hair. He couldn't think to figure it out. It really hurt, and he noticed that his shirt had red drop-stains on it. His neck was bleeding a little from the sharp metal twine. It hurt._

_It was really tight on his hair and his neck. He was afraid that she would twist it enough to rip his hair out, or maybe even cut off his neck. If he was already bleeding, wouldn't more twisting just cut his neck more? Then his head wouldn't be on his neck anymore. He would be like Nearly Headless Nick from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, except with his head all the way off instead of mostly off. Well, at least he could play head-polo and head-basketball and head-catch and all sorts of other fun sports when he was a ghost. Or maybe he wouldn't be a ghost and go to heaven? He could see God, and that would be really cool. Everyone would be jealous, then everyone would want to be his friend. He would be playing headless sports and be one of God's best friends. Yep. Everyone would be jealous. Then he would have lots and lots of friends._

_Then Road took more of her twine and tied his wrists together behind his back, tightly. It cut into the skin a little and his wrists were bleeding. It really stung, and all Allen could do there was whimper._

"_Get up. The real game is about to begin." she said evilly_

_Road took out a lollipop and started sucking on it. It was always best to have as many of your senses pleased as possible. Her ears from the screams, he nose from the sweat, her eyes from his visible pain, her touch from the jerks as he fought against her, and her tongue with the sweet taste of the candy. She twisted several strands of twine together, and formed them into a whip. With this whip, she did the obvious, whipped Allen until he was crying, and doing his best to back away from her with his limited mobility. Limited due to the pain, lack of focus, cuts on his legs, and his bounds arms, as he fell over repeatedly._

_He managed to crawl away and out from behind the wall, right where Road was leading him. She enjoyed his tortured screams and the pain etched on his tear-streaked face. She was laughing wildly when she did something terrible, she called for backup._

"_Tyki, Earl, I got him out here. You guys need to help! I want to play tennis with my human tennis racket, but I don't have any balls. Want to throw some to me?" Road called loudly for everyone to hear._

"_Why of course we'll help you out, dear friend Road." Earl said as he and Tyki started chucking the balls as hard as they could at Allen's face. The balls bruised his pale, wet face, and bounced off, back to the ones who threw them, and off to some nearby bystanders. Some of them missed and bounced off of the 'racket' that the had around his neck. Soon, bystanders formed a circle to watch the little red-haired boy get beaten by tennis balls, and stuck in a racket 'costume'. Some even joined, in, wanting to be a part of the wicked fun that they saw the three bullies were having. Allen couldn't tell who was who anymore, or how many people were around. It might as well have been the whole school throwing balls at him, hurting him. It started with Road, then Tyki and Earl, and now (he convinced himself) the whole school hated him and was trying to hurt him for nothing more than their pleasure. He didn't want to be Road's friend any more. He shouldn't trust her, even if she was nice and brought him mitarashi dango._

_That was the worst. She even brought him his favourite food. He loved food. And she had his FAVOURITE. Why did it have to hurt so much. His bruised face, his bloody neck, his bloody wrists, his scraped legs, his burning, oxygen-deprived lungs, and his squeezing, aching heart. Allen passed out._

_The bell for the end of recess went, and the children went inside, leaving Allen unconscious on the ground beside the wall, bleeding and barely breathing in his racket attire, as they all walked inside laughing about how well they had all beaten the poor kid. They seemed to realize why the teachers preached cooperation. Things worked out much much better for each other when they worked together toward a common goal, especially one involving beating a little boy unconscious. It's not likely that they understood what they were doing or what it means to be unconscious. They just enjoyed hurting someone else._

_When Allen wasn't in class, the teacher called for someone to go look for him. When the teacher found him, she was shocked. She immediately called 9-1-1 and got Allen sent to the hospital. She reported to Allen's teacher that he was badly injured and hardly breathing with wires tied around his neck and wrists, very dangerously._

_When Allen woke up in the hospital, his master had just arrived. Despite the warnings of the nurses about his unstable condition (they'd had to use wire cutters to get the racket off his neck and out of his hair) Cross dragged Allen away and back to the house where he was put to work again for as long as he could remain standing, which wasn't very long. He collapsed within ten minutes of the simplest, easiest tasks, and Cross was very displeased. It meant the place would be dirty until is stupid apprentice got better, and he didn't want to have to wait. He though about beating the kid, but decided that it would be counter productive. He could beat the kid when he got better. _

_Allen slowly recovered by the end of the school year and attended the last couple weeks of class. He was unbearably tense and nervous wherever he was, whenever he was in the school, and couldn't stand being within a few feet of any other person. The teacher was concerned about severe social anxiety, especially in someone of that age, and what might have caused it, but Cross said to do nothing, so she couldn't. She mentioned it to the other staff so that he next teachers could watch out for him. Allen never knew. He just knew that he hated them all, all the kids, all the teachers, all the people in the world. He didn't want to live scared all the time. He almost wanted to die, but that would disappoint God._

_It's not like they would be friends anyway. No one would be friends with someone like Allen. Or so he thought._

* * *

That was my first time thinking about death. And I was only nine. This world sucks. And why aren't I already dead. I don't want to chastise myself anymore. It's not worth it, since I guess I kind of do actually want to die.

Krory was going to do to him now what Road did to him back then. He was going to deceive Allen, then hurt him, and Allen was falling for it all over again.

I'm such an idiot. No wonder master always called me '_idiot apprentice_'. I really am one.

"Tim, are you listening to me? I really don't want to go tomorrow. I shouldn't. But at the same time, I do sort of want to go, and I don't know why. My heart longs for it, but my brain is screaming that it's a trap. And I have to be smart Tim. I go to a smart school and I need to be smart to survive. I might want to... I can't say it out loud. But I won't commit suicide. I won't because I'm not suicidal. I just think that dying isn't a bad idea. I mean, sometimes I have dreams where I die, and they aren't really scary. They're kind of intriguing.

"Should I go to the party Tim? I guess I should. I said I'd be there, and I like to be honest about everything. Except my feelings anyway. Those are locked behind a safe tight mask. No one can see through it, ever. It's too good for that. So I guess I'm gonna go to the party tomorrow. Maybe with any luck there will be so many people that I can slip out unnoticed after a few minutes. I won't have to talk except to say 'hello' to Krory to be polite and I won't have to be around any people for any longer than necessary. Perfect. I've got a plan. Nothing can stop this plan. It's flawless. Go in, say hi, sneak out and maybe give the excuse of an upset stomach from some sort of fancy raw food they'll be serving. And of course it's not the food, I just have a weak stomach. It's a good excuse for why I don't eat with people at school too. Perfect. Completely foolproof. And idiot-proof, because I am an idiot too.

"I think I can do it. Even if it's scary. I can do it. I've been through worse. It won't take to long and it's all done. Alright Allen. Bedtime. Go to sleep and everything will be ready for the morning when it comes. Goodnight to you too Tim."

Allen put on pyjamas and climbed into his bed, Timcampy nestled beside him. He hugged Tim and tried to fall asleep, but was entirely unsuccessful until about 5:30 the next morning. He slept restlessly for a couple of hours, anxiously awaiting the trip to Krory's awful Christmas party. And it was only one day from the worst day of his life every year.

* * *

**A/N**: So that chapter was a looooong flashback, mostly. I figure every few chapters, I'll include some sort of flashback, just for some character development and all that. And I dunno, I like hearing about characters' back stories, even (or especially) when they're unpleasant. Sorry about the Allen torture, but that seems to happen a lot. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Feel free to leave reviews! Or don't, I just hope you enjoy the story!


	7. An Unexpected Party

**A/N**: Sorry for the super long wait. It's been an emotionally exhausting week and getting around to this took some time. I hope it's not too bad, because I was a little distracted while writing/editing. Anyways, enjoy!

**Warning**: Minor language, a teensy little bit of mild angst, and some more Nice Allen.

**Disclaimer**: D. Gray-Man is still not mine. It never will be. This fanfiction is proof.

* * *

**An Unexpected Party**

* * *

_December 24, 2007_

I can't believe I'm really going to go to this stupid party. Why did I agree to it? I'm such an idiot. Cross's idiot apprentice. Idiot, idiot, idiot. Why am I such an idiot? I must be going insane to have agreed to this. Well, maybe I am a little insane. I mean, what about me can be totally sane if I keep thinking bad things like...

Stop it Allen, you'd better not think like that. I'll have to beat you down. And I know you don't like getting beaten down Allen. You hate it. So don't think like that. Don't go there. Because you know what's going to happen.

Alright. Don't go there. I'm not going to start thinking bad things. I'm just going to go to this party, say hello, and do my best to find a way to leave immediately, or at least as quickly as possible. Very quickly if I can do anything about it. Get away from that menace Krory before he can do anything to me. Keep safe, and avoid the trouble. Stay away and stay safe.

Okay Tim, I'm gonna go. I'll be back later tonight, and I'll talk to you and we'll have a good time, right Tim? It'll be just us two like it always is and we'll eat second dinner together, because dinner will be at Krory's if he's any kind of host, and then we will talk and we will do some little calm and relaxing things, and then we will lay down in bed and I'll cuddle you and we will sleep and try to enjoy dreams that will hopefully not turn into nightmares because I hate nightmares because they scare me and I don't wanna be scared because it makes me feel weak and alone and I don't want to be alone but I've got Tim but I'm still scared and alone...

Allen started crying during his rant. He upset himself very easily. His dreams consisted of horrible memories warping into terrible and somewhat unrealistic possibilities. They were torturous dreams, consisting of deeds by Cross, the bullies, and others in his life who had hurt him. If only those were the worst memories. The worst memories stemmed from his best memories. They were his worst because they were stemmed from his best memories, making them that much worse in comparison. These memories turned dreams always started with Mana.

Allen couldn't bear to think about Mana. It hurt him because Mana was his everything. When Mana was gone, Allen was hurt and broken, and was only more broken after living with Cross.

Allen did his best to stop crying, but couldn't quite manage it. It took him a while, half an hour, but he managed to at least stop. He was still trembling a little from remembering the fear and his eyes were still red and swollen. It was now 7:15 pm. Krory wasn't going to be happy that he was late, but maybe he wouldn't notice. He said he lived in a castle right? That means he'll have to have a lot of guests to fill it up. And he said Allen could be late or early or whatever. That it didn't really matter what time he showed up, so Allen felt a little better.

It was cold outside and a 15 minute walk to Krory's house. He figured that if he left now, he'd look normal by the time he got there. Just in case, Allen went to the bathroom and washed his face. He got the dried salt tears off of his face, and the cold brought the swelling down a little. He grabbed his hat and his long brown coat and his gloves and began the walk to Krory's castle. After locking the door of course. He couldn't have random people walking in on him and possibly doing something to him or the house or to Tim. He couldn't stand it if anything happened to Tim.

"Goodbye Tim. I'll be back soon. Hopefully within the hour." said Allen as he closed the door to his house behind him.

Allen walked in the cold down the street, along another street, and another and another and another. He took many roads that eventually lead to a long forest drive that went right up to Krory castle. It certainly looked like a place a vampire would live. It was cold, dark, and looked like it probably leaked when it rained out. On one side of the castle, he saw a glass box about the size of a small room that looked like it had been added not too long ago. Maybe a couple of years ago. It looked very different from the rest of the castle, as it looked hundreds of years old. Probably because it was hundreds of years old. The glass box had green stuff inside. Lots of green. He hoped it wasn't some sort of torture room. He didn't know what sort of torture room it would be, but he knew that people could get creative. Road was a great example of that.

"Okay. Here goes nothing. Literally nothing. Here goes me." said Allen to himself as he prepared himself to knock on the massive doors of the ancient and intimidating castle.

Allen knocked on the door. The knock seemed to echo into the distance forever, but really it only echoed a couple of times for a few seconds. He heard a crash from inside and instantly tensed. He didn't know what was going on, if Krory was preparing to torture him or if he was torturing his other guests or what was going on inside. He was also confused about the lack of noise in the castle, loud crash aside. He didn't hear any talking, nor any music. Nothing. Allen grew more and more nervous every second that passed, waiting outside the large doors.

After a minute or so, Allen was about to leave when the doors creaked open. Krory was on the other side, letting him in. His face wasn't completely pale like it normally is. It was full of colour, very red, mostly around his eyes and cheeks. Allen was a little surprised by his appearance, but immediately suspected that he had just fed on some unsuspecting guest. It was quiet because he'd gagged them all and tied them up for easier access to their blood. Blood that he could drink for nourishment. And soon it would be Allen's turn.

"Hello A-Allen. W-Welcome to my c-castle. Th-Thank you for coming. You ac-actual-ly came. I'm so happy." Krory said, his voice steadily growing higher pitch with happiness.

"Yes. I'm here. I apologize for my punctuality. Something cam up just before I was about to leave, and it needed to be dealt with immediately. I should have called first to let you know." said Allen. He really didn't want to call. He figured it didn't really matter how he treated this vampire-boy that was only after his blood, but had to keep up his politeness act at least until the vampire-boy showed a reason for him to act differently.

"No. No need to apologize. I said that you could show up anytime. Early or late or whatever. It's okay. Don't worry. I can't have my guests be worried. You have to have a good time. Now come on in. Come out of the cold. It's warmer in here and it must have been a long walk up the drive." said Krory as Allen took his advice and walked into the castle.

"It's okay. The drive was less than a third of the walk. It wasn't all that bad by the time I got here, especially knowing that the walk was nearly over." said Allen with his polite smile on his face.

"You mean you walked all the way here? Didn't your guardian drive you here? At least most of the way?" asked Krory with incredible surprise.

"Nope. Cross didn't drive me here. I walked. He's busy, I don't have a car, and if I did, I can't drive. And calling a taxi is a hassle. So I walked. It's no big deal. I walk to other places that are much farther away," namely the grocery store, "every day, so this wasn't really any trouble at all." said Allen, still keeping up his polite smile

"Oh. Well, then I guess that's okay?" Krory said uncertainly. He didn't know how to respond to that.

"So where are all of the other guests?" asked Allen innocently.

"Umm..." said Krory, "There aren't any other guests. You're the only one that I invited."

Allen was stunned. He was scared now. Almost frozen in fear, but not quite. He stopped in his tracks but kept talking.

"I'm the only one. Are you sure about that? There must be others, right?" Allen said a little nervously. He managed to hide the fear from his voice.

"Well, yes. I'm sure you're the only one. There aren't any other people. I didn't know who else I could invite. Umm... You're my only friend Allen. So you're the only one I felt that I could invite. I was too nervous and scared to ask anyone else. It's just you and me." explained Krory.

Allen was scared. He was alone with this vampire monster in a giant castle alone and no one knows we're here except Tim and I don't think that Tim can call for help. I wish I could get help. I'm scared to be here. I shouldn't have come. I'm such an idiot, and this time my idiocy is going to kill me. Kill me dead.

"Umm... I know. How about I get the dinner set up. It's mostly ready, I just need to take it out of the oven and fridge and it should be ready. The table is just over here. Pick a seat and I'll be with you in a couple of minutes." said Krory, trying to act as host as he could.

"Uh, thanks Krory." said Allen as he walked to the table and sat down in one of the chairs and Krory walked in the direction that he presumed was the kitchen.

The table was large and long, as expected of a table in a castle. It had a long red tablecloth spread out over it and had tall candles lit and set every quarter of the table. Small tea lights were set in between the large candles in small, detailed, and delicate candle holders as decorations. Above the centre of the table was a large chandelier. It glowed and sparkled nicely in the dim light, and gave the room a feeling of importance. To Allen it would've felt important anyways. After all, it was the room where you ate the food.

After a couple of minutes, Krory returned with trays of food like he said. He balanced them carefully on trays along his arms and did his best not to drop anything. Thankfully, he made it to the table and Allen relaxed only slightly, as none of the food was harmed.

"I've got some roasted chicken, potato salad, caesar salad, baked vegetables, stuffing, and any sort of drink you can think of, except alcohol of course. I hope this food is to your liking...? I wasn't totally sure of your food preferences, so I tried to pick something unoffensive. Is it to your tastes?" asked Krory a little nervously.

"It smells delicious. I've come across very few foods I didn't like. And none of them were any of these. It looks great. Thanks Krory." said Allen with his polite smile.

"Then I guess we should dig in." said Krory, giving his guest a plate and utensils.

The two teenagers helped themselves to massive servings. Allen and Krory were both surprised by the amount that the other took, for neither had met anyone in the past who had been able to eat as much as either of them. It was especially shocking since the two were both so skinny. Fairly quickly, the two had eaten their meal and were sitting and waiting for what would happen next. Neither of them had any real social experience, so neither knew what to do. The awkward silence of sitting there lasted for about 10 minutes until Krory spoke up.

"So, do you want to move to the living room? I can clean this up a little later, and the living room has couches that we can sit and talk on." Krory suggested, a little nervously.

"Sure" said Allen. Maybe he just wants me to move to somewhere else so he can more easily bite my neck off and drink my blood and attack me and hurt me and beat me and... do that...

Allen paled and started sweating a little. This didn't go unnoticed by Krory.

"Are you alright Allen? You just suddenly paled, and you don't look so good. The couch is this way. Do you want me to get you some water?" asked Krory, concerned. He hoped his cooking wasn't to fault.

"I-I'm fine. Don't worry about it." said Allen, putting up his polite smile once again. Smiles usually worked to get people to drop whatever issue they were pressing and convinced people that they were satisfied and should end the conversation there. But Krory wasn't like normal people. He didn't have that social experience for picking up on nonverbal cues.

"I don't know. Here. The couch is just in the next room. There. Now you sit down. Lean back a little bit and get comfortable. Here are some pillows if you'd like. I'll be back with some water." said Krory, rushing off to get his friend water. Allen was his friend, so he had to take care of him when he wasn't in top condition. That's what friends did.

"I'm fine Krory, you don't have to do... anything. He walked out in the middle of my sentence." said Allen. He really didn't feel fine. He felt scared and sick, but he couldn't let Krory know that. It would make him an easier target. Then Krory came back in with a glass and a pitcher of cold water.

"Here. Drink it slowly. It'll help you feel better." said Krory.

"Umm, thanks." said Allen

The two sat in silence for another while, while Allen slowly sipped his water.

Krory finally broke the silence. "You know, I wasn't sure if you were coming earlier. I was really upset when I thought you were late. I'm sorry! I don't mean to make you feel guilty! I just started talking for some reason and that came out, I'm really sorry." tears built up in Krory's eyes and one fell slowly, sliding down his cheek.

"It-It's fine Krory. Don't worry about it." said Allen. He felt very awkward around Krory right now. He didn't know this guy, and here Krory was saying that Allen was his only friend, his friend, FRIEND, and crying in front of him and Allen didn't know what to do. He was never in these situations, so he didn't have any experience. He opted for the awkward silence.

"Y'know. I felt really bad earlier. I know I told you show up whenever and it would be good, but 7 happened and you weren't here, so I started to get nervous. I convinced myself that you were fashionably late. People can be a few minutes late. It happens all the time. Then it was 7:15 and you still weren't here. It felt like being abandoned. Really alone, and a little betrayed. Still, I remembered what I told you and didn't let myself get to worried. But by 7:30, it hurt so much. I felt like you would never come and I just started crying. I couldn't help it. I felt like I could never have any friends. I was so alone. Alone in this castle, alone in school, alone in the world, even alone in myself. Just loneliness. And it hurts so bad! Really bad. Loneliness is probably the worst pain you can feel, you know? It was terrible, and I didn't even feel like eating. And that's weird because I love food. Almost more than life itself. And then at 7:40, I heard you knock at the door. It was a huge wave of relief. I felt so glad, I started crying harder. Then I realized you were still waiting at the door. So I got up too fast and just knocked over a flower vase. I picked it up and quickly ran it my greenhouse and then I went and got you at the door. And you really there. REALLY THERE. I was so happy. You actually showed up and you actually came and you were my friend. I was so happy to see my friend come to this party. Even if it's only a party of two. When you came, you made this the best Christmas break I've ever had. I hvae a friend here and you came to see me at my party because you're such a good person and you're my friend. I'm so happy." rambled Krory, now really crying. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve repeatedly, and the stared up at Allen longingly. "And you listened to me and didn't leave. I'm so happy you're my friend Allen. No one has ever been so nice to me like you have. People always called me a monster and a vampire and a freak. And it really hurt you know?" Krory wiped his eyes on his sleeve again and sniffled a little, "I'm sorry you had to listen to this, but I wanted you to know that I'm really glad that you're here and that I really appreciate your friendship. Especially since that friendship means that someone as nice as you could be a friend with someone as terrible as me."

Allen was very uncomfortable by this point. Firstly by what Krory was talking about. He felt awkward that Krory was telling him this personal stuff. He felt like it was none of his business. He also felt very uncomfortable that Krory was saying good things about him. It felt kind of good, but at the same time very bad. He couldn't wrap his mind around that fact that someone thought good things about him. People only ever told him he was bad, or bad things. Someone telling him he was good was wrong. And Krory was outnumbered. He must be wrong. Allen is still a bad person.

"Hey Krory. You don't have to cry. I'm not leaving." said Allen. Damn it! Why did I say that? Do I unconsciously pity him or something? No. Maybe I actually do kind of empathize. Damn it! I guess I should just be nice, I guess. Keep up this mask anyways. "I'll stay with you, just stop crying."

"Really? You'll stay with me? But, I'd feel bad..." Krory said with embarrassment.

"Sure." Allen said with his polite smile, trying to give Krory a sort of comfort. And then he felt a little dizzy. Krory saw the slight swaying of Allen's movements that Allen didn't seem to register, along with the look on Allen's face. It was still a polite smile, but it looked like it was going to be sick soon.

"Allen? Are you sure you're okay? You really don't look so good." said Krory, concerned for his friend once again.

"I'm fine Krory. Don't worry about me." said Allen, still dizzy, but fixing his fake smile. He tried to take more water, but his hand was a little shaky. He almost missed the glass since his vision was spinning a little bit. He sipped the water slowly and hoped that Krory would let it go. Of course, Krory not being much of one for nonverbal cues, kept right at it.

"Whether or not you feel it's the best, you'll stay here tonight." Krory said somewhat assertively, "you are obviously not well and I can't let a friend leave in poor health. That would be inhumane and unkind. Especially to someone who has shown me as much kindness as you to someone who doesn't deserve it. I'll set up an extra bed for you and get you some extra blankets, pyjamas, and some tea and water for bed. I'll even set up a little bell for you to ring me if you need anything. I'll get it for you quick as quick can. Now you stay there and don't you dare move. You aren't in any condition to do so. I'll be back in a few minutes. Just close your eyes or something. Try to sleep. It may help." Krory left the room to go prepare for his now overnight guest.

Allen registered only some of what Krory was saying. He heard the concerned tone, he heard that he was staying the night, and he heard that he shouldn't move and just go to sleep. Allen was immediately scared, and of course did exactly what he wasn't supposed to do and got up, trying to escape the castle in his dizzied and not fully aware state. He managed to make it slowly to the other side of the room when Krory had come back downstairs to prepare the tea. He saw Allen making his way across the room and rushed over to him quickly and grabbed him in case he fell. Then he noticed something wrong.

"Allen, you have a fever. You are not leaving, you hear me. You are not leaving until you are better. I don't care what your guardian says. This is my fault and I'll take care of you. You're my friend. I'm gonna bring you upstairs now, okay? You don't have to walk, I can carry you. I'm not as weak as I look. And you can just sleep okay?" Krory said in a firm but not unkind voice.

"Get away! Don't touch me! I'm gonna die! Please don't touch me! Let go! Please let go! I can't die! I can't because I'm normal! I can't die! The monster can't get me! The vampire is gonna get me and drink my blood and beat me and hurt me and no! Bad things can't happen! No! No! Let me go! I don't like it! I hate being touched..." Allen screamed deliriously and the trailed off, losing energy quickly.

Krory winced briefly at hearing these comments. Did Allen really think of him as a monster and a vampire? Was he really just like everyone else? He couldn't be. Allen was so nice. It couldn't be true because Allen was at his party. Why would he come to a party by someone who he thought was a monster or vampire that he was convinced would hurt him? It didn't really matter now. Allen was sick, and Krory was going to take care of him. That was that. Anything else could happen later. He carried Allen gently to the bed and then got him some ice water, a glass, a bell, and a barf bowl, just in case. He brought lots of blankets in case Allen felt cold, and then went to the room just across the hall, where he could easily hear Allen if he needed any help. Allen was passed out on the bed right now, exhausted and sick, so Krory felt it would be okay if he took a small nap too.

* * *

_December 25, 2007_

Allen woke up the next day, still slightly feverish, but nothing that would hinder him from doing much. Damn he hated how easily he got sick in the winter. It wasn't his fault that his immune system was so weak, but he wished that this didn't happen at the worst times. He realized that he was in Krory's castle still and the vampire-boy was nowhere to be seen. He decided he'd sneak out. When he got up, he was still a little shaky and tripped over the bowl on the floor, and bumped into the bell which made a loud ding that resonated very loudly and clearly. In a few seconds, Krory was at his door.

"Is something wrong Allen? Do you need something?" asked Krory with a concerned voice

"I'm fine Krory. Don't worry about it." Allen said this time, forgetting about his polite smile. Krory knew he could believe Allen this time because he wasn't hiding behind that smile of his.

"That's great. I'll make you some tea if you feel up to it. Can you walk to the kitchen, or do you need a little help?" asked Krory kindly

"I'll be fine. Just getting used to my legs again." Allen said, "By the way, how long was I asleep?"

"About eleven hours. It's about eight o'clock on Christmas morning." said Krory.

"Okay. I just needed the date. Thanks. I'll see you downstairs in a few minutes." said Allen, looking slightly distressed. Krory was a bit concerned but let it go. It looked like it was something on his mind rather than physical this time. He let it go and went downstairs.

"Okay, I'll see you then." Krory said as he gently closed Allen's door.

It's my birthday today. It's the day I got everything and the day I lost everything. The best and worst day of my life. I hate Christmas. Mana, (Christmas is the only day he can talk to Mana and not feel as bad) I'm really sorry. I always will be. It's my fault and I can't change anything that happened. I wish I could hear you say that you forgive me, but obviously I can't. And I don't think I deserve your forgiveness anyways. How can you forgive the one who killed you? And I'm not worth it anyways. I'm a terribly person, and not just because of that. I'm sorry Mana. I'm really sorry, but I can't do anything to help you any more. I wish I could but I can't. And I'm really sorry. It's all my fault.

The pain in Allen's chest grew huge as he prayed to Mana's spirit. He missed Mana terribly. He figured he should go and see Krory downstairs before Krory came back up to check on him.

Allen walked downstairs and met Krory in the kitchen, preparing some green tea and some toast for Allen. Allen saw a counter and stool in the kitchen and sat down at them, feeling a little out of energy.

"I'll be fine with more than just toast. I'm all right. It was nothing last night." said Allen. He shocked himself a little. He couldn't believe that he was the one who had started the conversation. He was way too antisocial and anti-people to do that.

"Oh. I'm sorry. I just thought it would be best to take it easy. But I can make you whatever you want if you're sure about it." said Krory, trying to be careful. He knew Allen wouldn't be in the best of moods after last night, and whatever he had been doing for the past couple of minutes if his pained expression was any indication.

"Nah, it's fine. You're probably right. It's best to take it easy to start." Allen said as he picked up some toast and started nibbling. The thought a little bit, and then put down his half eaten toast. "Thank you Krory. For last night, I mean."

"Y-You're welcome." Krory said, a little surprised. He hadn't expected this boy to thank him. At least not without the polite face he normally made. "I-I was g-glad to help."

Krory kept thinking while Allen finished his toast. He finally worked up some courage and asked, "Allen, is there anything bothering you?"

"Yes and no." Allen said. Why did he say the truth? Was he really that much of an idiot this morning? What kind of messed up trick was Krory playing on him? What made him say that? "It's not much of anything that's bothering me. There's something, but not something." Allen sort of explained.

"Mhm? Care to talk about it?" Krory asked. Since Allen had been as kind to him last night, Krory figured he could return the favour.

"Today is my birthday. It's the day I got everything I had, and the day that I lost it all again." said Allen, not really elaborating. "It was something, but since it's gone, it's really not something any more."

Krory didn't really push it. He understood that talking could be hard. It was tough for him last night to admit what he'd said about his extreme loneliness and fears of being alone again or abandoned. He let Allen go with a couple small words. "Thanks for telling me. It means a lot that you can trust me."

Allen was stunned for a second. Did he really trust Krory? Well, he didn't attack him in the middle of the night, only helped him. And he never really did anything bad to Allen, at school or while they were here. He theoretically could have been doing this to gain Allen's trust, but who really had that much patience. I guess for a week maybe, but not for four months. Allen supposed that he did trust Krory, if only a teensy tiny little miniscule atom-sized bit. Trusting people was still hard. "Mm." Allen acknowledged.

"I'm glad we're friends." said Krory, smiling at Allen. He didn't question Allen about what he was screaming last night, as he was fairly certain that Allen didn't remember saying any of it, and he didn't want to bother the young boy. "And happy birthday Allen."

"Th-Thanks Krory." said Allen, who now looked halfway on the verge of tears as he covered the slight smile and the trembling of his lips with a hand quickly placed over his mouth. "Excuse me for a minute."

Allen came back a little later looking a bit calmer. "It's been a good time Krory, and I'm sorry for the trouble I caused. I should probably be leaving now. I wouldn't want to impose on you any further." Allen said politely with his smile on his face.

"If you wish. But I will not allow you to talk home. I'll call you a taxi, alright?" Krory said, not really asking.

"If you insist." said Allen.

Krory called the taxi, and said his goodbyes to Allen when it came. The driver took Allen back to his house and Allen went straight for Timcampy when he got inside.

"Tim, I'm sorry I was so long. I really couldn't help it. I was the only one there, so I couldn't leave. Then we ate and Krory told me a whole bunch of his personal troubles and it was awkward and I got sick at a really bad time AGAIN and it was really really bad and then when I woke up it was already Christmas and Krory was downstairs and I prayed to Mana and he was nice and not a monster and he didn't drink my blood so he's not a vampire and I found out that I maybe trust him a little and it's scary and he might even be my friend! I don't know what to do Tim!"

Allen didn't notice that he'd started crying while he was ranting to and cuddling with Timcampy.

"It's all so scary. Having friends feels weird. I don't understand it at all. I never had friends before. People hate me, but Krory really really likes me. I don't know what to think Tim. Can we really be friends? I mean, I should want friends, right? Because that's normal. Normal people want friends and like having friends and have lots of friends, but the idea of having friends really scares me. I don't really know what to do now. Do I keep him as a friend? Or do I run away and avoid him. Being alone really hurts, but it's comfortable. I'm used to it, right? So it can't be any worse. It's more comfortable than having friends even though friends feel good inside because having friends is just too weird. Someone like me can't have friends. I'm a freak. I'm a monster. I'm a pathetic weakling and a coward who is apparently also gay because I'm somehow a fag. I don't like boys or girls. How can I be gay? But how can I have friends when I'm so bad and have white hair and an awful scar and a burned, shrivelled up arm. I don't get it. I really don't get it..."

Allen was tired and climbed into his bed, still cuddling Timcampy. It was only 10:30 in the morning, but Allen was exhausted from the previous nights illness and from the crying he'd done. He silently wept himself into a deep slumber and was out for about 24 hours. An impressive sleep. Allen needed it. He didn't usually get enough sleep, and such a restful one, unplagued by nightmares was a huge luxury that Allen didn't often get to experience. He woke up the next day feeling a little better and glad that Christmas was over. Then he realized that it had been about 36 hours since he'd had real food. It was time for a big brunch. A BIG brunch. Time to start cooking and get on with the rest of this pointless holiday. He still had homework to do and now, he'd finally been able to accept that he had his first friend.

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**A/N**: I dunno about you, but I had a huge AWWWW moment inside my head when I was writing the last two sentences of this chapter. I hope it wasn't too bad. This chapter was almost 6000 words! I'm very happy about that! I was a bit distracted writing and editing this, but I hope it was okay anyways. I should get back to updating in a more timely fashion now that my practicum is over. And that I've had some emotional time to settle stuff. Let me know what you think! About anything! Or not. I just hope you're still enjoying it. =) And virtual cookies to whoever gets the reference in the title of the chapter!

Till next time

-Shippo704


	8. Confrontations Part I

**A/N**: Thanks to any reviewers so far. And to people who've put me on their favourite author/favourite story/alert lists. You all know who you are and it's great to have the encouragement. Here's the next chapter. Hope you like it!

Sanary: The other characters will show up a bit later on. Miranda will be showing up sometime between September 2008 and June 2009. I'm not sure when, but more likely between September and December. I don't know how many chapters that will be yet. (My plot outline isn't quite that detailed... .) Lenalee was kind of introduced, but she'll get a reintroduction later in 2008, (probably, maybe 2009). Timothy and Emilia are going to appear in the summer months of 2008. And Lavi and Kanda I didn't plan to bring in for a while. The plan was 2011, but that may be subject to change. If you think that seems like a long time, there will be time skips. The story just slows down for the interesting/important parts.

**Warning**: a little angst, blood, suggestions of abuse.

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**Confrontations Part I**

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_January 2008_

It's the new year. And that means summatives. Lots of damn homework. Why do all of the teachers decide to give massive projects at the same time of year, all due at the same time? It doesn't make sense. I understand the reason that summatives exist; that's not too hard to understand, but I don't get why they are all at the same time. Do a project that in some way (as decided by the teacher) summarizes key ideas in the course. Then bam, a whole bunch of your mark. Well, maybe not a whole bunch. Only 10%. That's worth maybe two thirds of a test. But it's annoying! Why can't these teachers talk to each other and spread it out a little? Neah wants a short composition, set to the instruments of the band, Geography wants a travel log, brochures and schedules included, Science is okay at least, Komui seems to understand the whole summative crunch and made his a two day in-class lab, and English is another essay. Not in-class this time at least, so that's not as bad. But this still sucks! I'm gonna have such a massive headache later, just trying to figure out where to start with all of this.

Oh well, it at least gives me an excuse to ignore everyone. And a good excuse to ignore Krory too. He's not gonna eat me or anything, I think. He's not really a vampire, he just looks an awful lot like one. He says we're friends... But I don't know, I don't feel comfortable with that. It's weird. The word friend almost makes me feel sick. I pang goes from my chest to my stomach. It doesn't hurt, per say, but it's really uncomfortable at the least. I wish it wasn't always happening, but it does every time I see him. It feels sort of like a mix of fear and nervousness and anxiety I guess, but I'm normal, so I can't be afraid. I just have to deal with it. There's nothing else I can do. I have to be normal, and I guess this is the first step, to stop hurting every time I see people. I can still ignore them and avoid them like the plague that they are and pass it off as shyness. Humans definitely are a plague of sorts. They are severely overpopulating the planet and only China is doing anything to stop that, not that it's really working. Humans are so stupid. Oh well, not my problem. I probably won't be around long enough for it to affect me in any way...

Shit! Stop thinking that way Allen! Oh wait oh crap I just swore! I'm not supposed to do that! It's not nice! It's really a rude thing and I'm trying to be polite all the time and the first place to be polite is in my thoughts because thoughts form actions form behaviour which is what everyone else sees and judges and oh god I just screwed up!

Now calm down Allen, you're fine, it's normal. You are normal Allen. Normal Allen. That could almost be a nickname. Be normal Normal Allen. Haha. Funny. Not really. Only in my head does this sound even a little bit amusing. But isn't that how it always is? Things sounds so much better in your head than they do out loud. At least I don't speak out. It doesn't work against me that way. Quiet is better. Always.

Okay. One week left of class, then it's exams, then it's the beginning of the new semester, easy right? Right. Just get through this week. One week till exams then one week till I'm stress-free, at least with school work. I can do this. It's not so bad. And three of the summatives are mostly done anyways. The composition is done, I just need to assign the SATB parts to instruments and transpose them into the correct keys. Easy stuff. The research is completely done for Geo, and I just need to put all of the information on the templates that I came up with for the assignment. Not too bad. My outline is done for the English essay and I just need one more paragraph on the rough copy. Then it's edit, polish, and it's done. Pretty close. I think I'm good. This'll be fine. I can do it. It's almost done. I'm almost done.

"Hello Allen! How are you today?" asked Krory, startling Allen out of his thoughts.

"Er, hello Krory. I'm fine. And yourself?" replied Allen, wishing that Krory wouldn't stop and talk to him and just go to first period. That awful feeling that he got when Krory was around came back. Krory didn't seem to notice Allen's tension and kept right on talking.

"I'm doing pretty well, but these summatives are horrible! They're so much work! And it's all really boring stuff. Why couldn't they have made something that's this much effort at least a little bit interesting? You know about Geo and Science already of course, and at least Komui's summative is alright, but that Geo summative sucks! And French is no better. At least Gym doesn't have a summative. But I still don't like this work load. You think the teachers could have planned this a bit better." Krory ranted.

"Yes, I'm sure they could have. But I need to go to class now, so if you'll excuse me, bye." Allen said quickly and as politely as he could, using his polite smile. He started to walk away.

"But Allen, class doesn't start for another ten minutes! And you keep avoiding me or something. What's wrong? I thought we were becoming good friends...?" said Krory a little sadly

"I'm really far too busy with homework. And music needs warmup time. See you later, bye" Allen lied, sort of, as he continued to walk away from his friend.

That was a close one. I can't use that excuse forever, Krory's not stupid. He's probably already figured out it's an excuse, but I need a little bit of time. I can't just deal with this feeling on-the-fly like that. It's really hard. But I've gotta get better so that I can. I just need a little time. I wonder how normal people do it... No! You are normal Allen. Don't you ever think otherwise. Normal Allen is normal. Normal, normal, normal. Very normal. So normal that no one could ever be more normal. Now get to your normal class and be a normal on-time student, and play your instrument like a normal person. Because that's what you are Allen, a normal person.

Okay. Let's do this. Only one more week of Neah Walker, then I don't have to see him for a nice long time.

Allen walked into his class early and set up his instrument to tune and warm up. Some scales, arpeggios, and a quick tune-by-ear later (he could do it just as well as a tuner. Allen thought everyone should be able to do this since they should be able to hear which note they're playing and adjust their tuning accordingly), Allen was ready to start the class, and by luck, class was just about to start.

"Good morning class. Allen, here early as usual. You must really enjoy this class, you're always so enthusiastic and ready, getting here before us all. I love your commitment, but today we're doing our final ear training test, so you need to put your instrument away. You won't need it today." said Neah

Ear training test? Again? At least this was the final one. Allen thought that ear training tests were pointless since, for each exercise, all you needed to do was figure out which notes were played then do a little measuring. Intervals was the distance between notes, chords had specific measurements between each of the three notes, and determining whether the note played after is the top, middle, or bottom note of the chord involved listening for which ones were top, middle, and bottom. And that was already done in the first half of the chords exercise. Since people could just listen to which notes were which, why did so many people get so many questions wrong? Were most people really so stupid as not to figure out the little shortcut that he used? And Neah didn't even tell them that easy way. He told them to listen for tunes and stuff that began with what he played to figure out what the answer was. It made no sense to Allen since that was seemed much harder.

Allen put his saxophone away and took out a pencil to write down the answers when the test was played. Neah handed out papers to all the students and began the test. Allen finished easily, even without Neah's hints to the class when he felt that one of his examples was tricky for the class. It was very boring, but Allen didn't much mind being bored if it meant he'd get another perfect score. He liked high grades very much, and they mattered to him quite a lot.

That was too easy. Neah really needs to find some sort of way to make this harder. I mean, when he did intervals today, he even told the class that the bottom note, the first note, would always be the same note. That should make coming up with every interval in the test super easy. And people were still trying to hum them and had a hard time figuring out the first note. I whispered to one kid that it was an A and he should just measure from there, but he just looked at me blankly and went back to what he was doing. I dunno what was wrong with him, but I'm not talking again. He just shunned me when I tried to help. It hurt. And I don't like it. Talking gets you hurt. That's all it does. I don't need to talk to people anymore. People just suck.

"Hey Allen! Long time no see. How did your first class go?" asked Krory as Allen walked into the room.

"Krory!" Allen said, startled out of his thoughts, "M-My class was fine. Just another boring easy test."

"Was it really that easy? I heard other people had a tough time. Anyways, I would've rather had your class. If you had a boring and easy test, that's not so bad as the really hard one we were given in French today. It was terrible! Even understanding the questions was hard, much less answering them! Really, it's like that teacher wants us all to fail." complained Krory

"Well maybe you should've studied a little more. You must have had some free time where you could have been studying but did something else instead." said Allen a little meanly, but it was covered up by his friendly fake smile.

At least Krory doesn't seem to notice every time that I use this smile to get out of these sorts of situations. If anyone had to follow me everywhere, at least it's someone who can't read facial cues terribly well. It's been a while and he still hasn't noticed. But humans are very easy to manipulate that way. Give them what they expect, or something nice, and they'll take it without a second thought. Krory sees me as a nice person, happy and all, so if I smile, he takes it as normal. Even though his views about me are completely wrong, it makes him that much easier to manipulate.

"No there weren't! I swear! Well, actually, maybe there were a couple of times, but that test was really hard too! I still couldn't have done it if I'd studied more. It was just too hard." Krory said as an excuse

"You don't really know that for sure since you didn't study more. And class is starting now, so go to your own desk." dismissed Allen quickly as the teacher walked into the room.

Krory and the rest of the students who were away from their seats quickly went back to them and the lesson began. The class went as expected. Last minute exam review, the teacher talking about the summative and reminding the students that it was due on Friday. Nothing interesting, nothing learned, it was really a pointless class.

Then it was lunch. Allen's favourite time of the day. The hour where he could be alone, sit, think, do whatever he felt like, and EAT FOOD. Food was wonderful stuff. Allen could never get enough of it, as Jerry found out, serving Allen massive portions of many different items every day.

Allen left the room quickly, so as to beat the cafeteria lines and avoid Krory. He really didn't like the feelings he was getting when he was around that guy. Sure he was nice and all, but Allen just wasn't used to it. The fact that Krory was nice to him kind of freaked him out a little bit. And he really hated getting compliments. Krory just seemed to freely throw those things at him and he didn't like it one bit. He ordered his food and made his way to the stairwell. The plan was to eat, sit around, think about his homework, and then head to Science. But plans never ever seem to turn out the way that Allen plans them.

"Finally I caught up with you!" said a slightly exasperated Krory who had been waiting in the stairwell for Allen to show up, "I've been trying to catch up with you for so long so that we could talk. I didn't want to bother you that night, but it's been a couple weeks now and I really need to talk to you to clear up some stuff. Hey, don't run away. I'm not letting you leave after you just got here!"

Allen had started backing away, then turned and tried to power walk away once Krory noticed what he'd been doing. How Krory knew where Allen ate lunch every day was a mystery to him and probably always would be.

"Krory, I'm busy with things at lunch. I need to be alone to focus on what needs to be done. I'm sorry, could we please do this some other time?" asked Allen, putting on his fake smile, expecting that it would work once again.

"No. I've heard from other people that you never do anything at lunch but eat and sit and sometimes do homework. You don't have any homework with you, so you weren't going to do that. And your fake smile won't work this time." said Krory as he grabbed Allen's arm, pulling him back to the stairs, "I will wait for you to eat your lunch though."

"I don't have a choice then?" Allen asked, leaving his smile on, completely missing what Krory had said about his smile.

"No. Not after what it's taken me to get you here. Now don't distract me or yourself. Hurry up and eat." said Krory.

"Alright, alright." Allen agreed, still smiling. He wasn't happy about this situation. Not a bit. That little bit of anxiety that he always felt when Krory was around heightened significantly, raising his heart rate and breathing rate a bit, and making it harder for him to swallow. Naturally, he still finished the food much more quickly than a person with a regular appetite, it wasn't that hard to swallow, especially food.

"Now then," said Allen once he'd finished eating, "does this mean it's time for the third degree?"

"No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I'm not interrogating you or accusing you for anything or anything at all like that. I just wanted to talk. Mostly I wanted to know a little bit about that night, but we can talk about anything else after if you'd like." said Krory, missing the sarcasm in Allen's question.

"Oh, great." said Allen with his smile. _Oh great _he thought sarcastically.

"Well, I'm not totally sure how to say this, or what might happen if I do, but I just have to say this. I'm really sorry. Allen, do you think that I'm... that I'm... a... a mon-monster or a v-vampire?" Krory asked, very nervously.

"No, I don't." said Allen simply, a little surprised by the question. It wasn't a lie. He didn't think that, not anymore at least. And Krory did ask in the present tense.

"Are you really sure about that?" Krory asked, still nervously and with his voice slightly higher pitched.

"Of course I'm sure!" said Allen nicely, a smile back on his face.

"And why are you LYING to me!" Krory said now, visibly upset. This was not the reaction Allen had anticipated. "Why are you always lying to me? And why are you always avoiding me? I know you think I'm a vampire monster. And I know you don't remember telling me, but it was painfully obvious that you hated my presence and couldn't stand me touching you, or even getting close to you even if I was helping you? You screamed it in my face that night when I carried you upstairs to your bed! You said 'The monster can't get me! The vampire is gonna get me and drink my blood and beat me and hurt me and no!' I wouldn't do that! I couldn't! And you said that after I invited you to a party and everything. I called you my friend, and you hate me. You even avoid me too. It really hurts you know. I've always been called a vampire or a monster, just because of how I look. And I thought you were different, you were my friend. But you hate me." Krory was crying now, and hardly doing anything to hide it.

Allen didn't know how to respond to that. He was afraid. "I-I'm sorry Krory. That must have been when I was sick and-"

"It was! You had a fever and couldn't control what you were saying. You couldn't hide your true feelings about me with that stupid fake smile you have!" Krory interrupted, "And you told me you thought that I was a vampire and a monster. It must be true right, if that's what one friend says to another," Allen flinched at that comment but Krory didn't notice, "and maybe you never were my friend in the first place. What was it this time? Pity? Sadism? Pure evil? What was it?"

"H-H-How did you know it was fake?" asked Allen, very very nervous now, the feeling in his stomach multiplied tenfold.

"Ignoring my questions now? It's really obvious if you watch. Your face grows nervous for a split second before you pull out that smile sometimes. And it doesn't really reach your eyes. You put it on and off like a mask. Even to someone like me who can't read social situations very well, I can tell when you're faking it. It's obvious" Krory spat at Allen.

Allen turned on his heel and ran away as quickly as he could, panicked beyond much comparison.

Krory knew? How long? How long did he know and why didn't I notice? I'm supposed to be good at this sort of stuff. I'm supposed to be good at everything. That's why I'm in a smart school, for kids who are good at everything. Everyone here is so perfect at everything, I've gotta be too. Be normal. But how did Krory find out? Oh yea, he noticed some slip-ups and put the pieces together. I'm such an idiot for having slipped up in the first place. Idiot, idiot, idiot! Why? Why do things like this happen to me? I've gotta find somewhere to run away. I know, the bathroom! Not the one in the Science or Social Science wings, Krory will probably go to those ones. I'll go to the one in the English wing. No one I know will be there. Then I can hide until class and calm down some. That's right Allen, calm down. Calm down.

Allen sprinted into the boys bathroom in the English wing and locked himself in one of the stalls. He shut it with a loud bang that echoed quite well in that small room. He sat down and started breathing deeper, trying to avoid hyperventilation and trying to calm himself down. He sat and thought and took deep breaths in that stall for the rest of the lunch hour. When the 5-minute bell went, Allen quickly left for his locker to get his books for Science, then made his way to the class. He was still on time, but wasn't his usual early self for once. Komui noticed this when Allen walked in at the same time as the rest of the students. He also noticed that Allen looked a little distressed and that Krory wasn't in class at all. He didn't think anything of it as he knew that Allen had a stressful home life (even though Allen never admitted this, and that the main stress was now gone) and that any student could be absent for any number of innocent reasons.

"Tomorrow we start the summative lab, so don't be late and don't miss it. I can't make up the time for you unless you have a doctor's note saying that you were unable to attend the class. Today we will review everything that you will need for the next two days. Don't forget to come to me after class if you have any questions." said Komui to the class. He noticed that Allen wasn't really listening and seemed off in his own thoughts. He made a mental note to speak to the boy later.

"All right then. First thing's first. The lab will start with..." Komui went on to describe the lab for the whole 75 minutes of the class. The man was great at talking, especially when he was so interested in the subject, and to him, anything involving Science was fascinating. The helpless grade nines that were subject to his talking were walking out of the class almost dizzy with too much knowledge. Komui felt he had done his job rather well.

"Allen Walker, may I please speak to you for a minute?" Komui asked at the end of class. He just realized that he didn't know how to start the conversation he was about to have, but he would do something anyways. He always thought he work best on-the-fly.

"Sure thing. Will this take long? Because I still have another class today." Allen asked politely, putting up his fake smile again, this time much more self-conscious about it.

"Yes, I'll give you a note to your teacher if this happens to run late. I just had a quick question for you. I noticed that you weren't paying much attention while I was talking today. I wanted to make sure that you're okay and that you're still prepared for the summative." Komui said kindly, trying not to frighten to boy who had looked a bit upset and maybe a little scared just a couple minutes ago, when he thought no one was watching.

"I'm fine. There's nothing wrong. I am prepared for the summative tomorrow. I have notes from every other day, and today was mostly reviewing previous concepts and information, correct? I'll be fine. I didn't get much sleep last night, so my attention has been wandering today, that's all." Allen lied, keeping up his fake smile

"Allen, I'll accept that excuse, this time, since you don't want to tell me what's wrong. It's none of my business anyways. But I do know a lie when I see one. And you don't have bags under your eyes and you weren't yawning through class. You aren't tired. You don't have to tell me, but if you need to tell someone sometime, I'll listen to it." Komui said nicely

Allen's smile dropped a little, but he still kept it up. "Don't worry about it. Everything's fine. And everyone has little problems sometimes. You don't grow up if you can't deal with them. I'm just fine."

Komui looked skeptical, but didn't push it. He knew better. You don't talk about something like that until you're ready, and don't push it, or ask gossip-type questions, even when sincere. He'd been on the other side. Komui sighed, "Okay then. Thanks for staying. I'll give you a note to give to your teacher when you get to class."

"Thank you Mr. Lee." said Allen politely as he dismissed himself and walked to English class, very very nervous now.

I can't believe that Komui noticed too. Is my mask really that transparent? It can't be. It's worked for years. It can't be failing now. I don't have a backup. It has to work. It has to keep working! I don't know what else to do if it doesn't! I'm gonna die, drowned in my own sea of lies. It's gonna get me and I'm gonna die and there's nothing I can do and-

Stop it Allen! You aren't supposed to think that way! Just ground yourself, like electricity. Find one thing to keep you calm and from going crazy with the panic and fear.

Allen remembered back to that night at the beginning of the year.

Should I do that? It would ground me pretty well. It worked once, it'll work again. And there's nothing suicidal about hurting yourself a little. It's just a little pain, not dying. It's not suicidal so it's still normal, right? I can still do it. I've got the ruler in my locker. I can get it. I have that note that says Komui kept me late, so I can be late to class, just so long as it's reasonable. I've got ten minutes maybe, plenty of time.

Allen grabbed his metal ruler with the sharp corners from his locker and went to the bathroom in the Tech wing. He rolled up the leg of his pants, which, thankfully, were black, and held the corner of the ruler against his leg in anticipation.

He felt a small rush as the tip touched his leg, not even poking in yet. It felt really good, adrenaline, was it? Who cares, it just felt really good. He shifted his hand and applied a little pressure so that it was poking his flesh in about a half centimetre. He tensed his hand in preparation, then, with some strength, tore the tool across his lower leg and watched the capillaries slowly leak their red treasure into the crevice that he'd created in his flesh.

It wasn't deep, but it hurt. Not a lot, but enough to notice it, and it renewed the pain whenever he moved his leg to stretch that area, which was whenever he moved his leg. Allen had an almost satisfied, but still ironic smirk on his face.

"I'm hurting myself to run away from the other hurt. How funny" He commented to himself.

He rolled the leg of his pants back down and put the ruler back in his locker before walking to class. He was pleased to find that he could walk without limping at all. No one would notice anything different this time, now that he could think clearly again. With a small sense of relief, he walked into English class. In the back of his mind, he still couldn't shake the thought that Komui might know more than he said. It was a little alarming, the thought, but he managed to convince himself that it was just a thought. He apologized to the teacher for being late, and went through the rest of the day as if nothing strange had happened.

He'd gotten away with it.

But he was still a little uneasy. He didn't see Krory at the lockers at the end of the day. It was a bit surprising, but Allen took advantage of that and went to his locker without any of his usual detours to take up time, waiting for Krory to leave.

It wasn't a good feeling to have someone that you considered a friend mad at you, but Allen took that as another reason why he shouldn't have friends. But he still felt kind of bad about what had happened. It was true that he was lying to Krory with that smile, and sort of manipulating him, but only to get him to leave uncomfortable subjects be. And it's true that Allen was avoiding him. It was all his fault. He would have to apologize, once everything and everyone calms down, and once he could deal with maybe sharing the teensiest possible bit with Krory, if nothing else but to get Krory to forgive him.

He really was a terrible person. Maybe he did deserve to die like those others had said in the past. Maybe...

Stop Allen! Don't think like that!

Allen got on his bus and went home.

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**A/N**: One more chapter before a time skip. That's the plan anyways. I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! I'm getting a bit faster at updating now. =) I'll try to keep it at least twice per week. Anyways, let me know what you thought! If you feel like it. =) Bigger smile.

Till next time

-Shippo704


	9. Confrontations Part II

**A/N**: Sorry it's been so long. I said I'd get these written faster, and I'm sorry. Prepping for a friend's birthday. Over the next weekend, I won't have access to my computer because I won't be at my house, so there might be a bit of time between the next chapter and the one after, but I'll try to keep it within a week, and I apologize in advance.

**Warning**: Obligatory Death Note reference, swearing, some little Allen beating.

**During the Flashback:**

_What Allen tells Krory_

What Allen thinks but doesn't tell Krory

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**Confrontations Part II**

* * *

_February 2008_

Exams were over now and second semester had just started. Allen was looking forward to this new semester, but had taken ill for the first week, and so missed a bit of class. His new schedule didn't seem as tough as his old one. He had French, Math, Gym, and Tech. Only two academic subjects. Not such a bad way to end ninth grade. He was looking forward to the exceedingly high average that he would have at the end of the semester.

But he wasn't completely happy, if Allen ever could be happy, that is. Allen was very anxious about starting this semester. He still hadn't talked to Krory about what had happened just before exams. He avoided this by telling himself that it was too busy during exam time and they were both too busy studying to be doing anything like talking or apologizing. That was his excuse and so he procrastinated. But he no longer had the excuse of exams, and the excuse of fear was not a good enough reason to back out of this. Well, maybe it was, but the guilt he felt over the matter was greater. Once again, he'd destroyed Krory's feelings. Once again he'd been the world's greatest idiot and worst excuse for a human being there was (very dramatic Allen) and metaphorically ripped out the poor guy's heart with the incredibly unkind words that he didn't remember saying, and denied them, making him feel even worse and more betrayed. He couldn't live with this guilt, so he had to _get rid of it_.

Okay. It's the second week of second semester. I can't use exams as an excuse, and I can't use the stress of just starting a new semester as an excuse, and I can't use my own anxieties and fears as an excuse because that's just not relevant. I have to tell Krory. I have to get rid of this unending guilt. I have to, or I feel like it's gonna kill me! Okay Allen, calm down. Just calm down and think, how are you gonna do this?

Right. I'm gonna try to apologize to him, short and simple. Then I'll ask him to eat lunch with me. That sounds like a good idea. I hope that he says yes. If he doesn't, that will ruin this whole plan. I really hope he says yes because I need to talk to him, no matter how scary this is. I can't be a weak, scared, little, pathetic, cowardly wimp. I may be all of that, but I can't be that today, or at least at lunch. I have to be stronger than that and talk to Krory.

And after we have sat and have finished eating lunch, I will talk to him and do my best to explain the situation that I can not remember at all. Oh boy. This is gonna be rough. And very painful. I don't know what's going to satisfy him, and I don't know how much I can actually tell him if he isn't satisfied with less than everything and there are lots and lots of bad things that no one can hear because these things are bad and I'm scared and it's really bad and I don't know what I'm gonna do and I want to die and I can't tell and I'm really afraid and I can't...

Allen's breathing was escalating, and he was starting to sweat a little, but he caught himself fairly quickly.

No Allen! Stop it. Stop it. Just calm down. You'll be fine. It's just words, and words are just arbitrary sounds with arbitrary meanings attached to them. They are made because the vocal chords in your throat vibrate quickly to produce sound waves, which are then manipulated by your cheeks, tongue, mouth, and throat to produce the different phonemes of which all words are made. There, feel better? Science always works because it's fact and fact is fact so fact is true and it can't be scary because fact can't lie.

And I have to tell Krory enough to satisfy him, and only his satisfaction, and possible forgiveness will relieve this awful pressure of guilt. I've got to do it. This guilt is worse than any anxiety I get, because this won't go away. It'll be extra hurt in me forever until I find a way to get rid of it, but anxiety fades when away from the stressor. So I'll be fine afterwards, even if I feel like dying while it's happening.

Bad Allen! No more thinking about dying in any way! Ever! Because you're normal and normal people don't think that way. So no more. Not ever. You can't let yourself think that way, so make those thoughts stop coming. 3...2...1...Gone. They should never come again after now. Got it? Good. Now, it's about time for class. Just two classes, then I find Krory here and we (hopefully) go get lunch and we eat and we sit I can talk and I hope he hears what I need to tell him. I hope to the cruel God that doesn't exist here that he listens to me and hears what I have to say with open ears and an open heart.

* * *

Two classes later, Allen went to get Krory. He was dead scared, but had steeled himself to do this anyway. He had to do it, or else is what he was thinking. Allen took what he knew and summed up all of his courage, and went to his locker to hopefully find Krory instead of going to get his lunch. Allen skipping out on food was completely unheard of, but this was something desperately important, and food could wait. FOOD could wait. Allen wasn't very pleased about this, but he had other things on his mind.

Namely, finding Krory. As soon as the bell went, Allen dashed out of the classroom and made his way to his locker, where he would hopefully be able to catch Krory.

Luck was on Allen's side for once, as Krory was at his locker and shutting it, preparing to leave. Krory's last class must have been much closer to the lockers than Allen's class, since Allen left right away and was only just catching the other boy before he left.

"Hey, Krory," Allen panted, "I need to talk to you about something. It's important. I'd really appreciate it if you'd hear me out."

"No thank you. I don't make it a habit of being around those who can't stand me. It really does terrible damage to one's self-image you know." said Krory coldly

"I know that. And I'm very sorry, for what it's worth. Will you please hear me out?" Allen asked a little desperately

"No. I can't think of anything simpler than that for your obviously thick head. No means 'No'. It means negative, absolutely not, will not do, do not want, etcetera." said Krory

"Please." Allen said stubbornly, not asking this time, "I was hoping to not have to resort to this but you have left me with no choice." Allen had a stern and serious look on his face that smelled of trouble.

"W-Wh-What are y-you g-going to do to m-me?" asked Krory, now very nervous. He should have just agreed. Allen was scary. He should never stand up to bullies again. Never.

"I'm gonna have to drag you down to the cafeteria, get you and me a lunch and carry you halfway around the school to the stairwell where you can eat your lunch and I can eat mine so that, when we've finished eating, I can talk to you and say what I need to say, you got all that?" Allen said quickly in a somewhat exasperated tone.

Krory was shocked and didn't know what to do or say. He heard free lunch, drag him around, then talking. But mostly, he heard the free lunch.

"Fine then. You're a mute now. And probably paralysed, just to make my job even harder. Well, the mute part might make the me talking and you listening bit easier. But come on! I'm getting you lunch whether you (or I) like it or not." Allen said with frustration edged into his voice. To his credit, he managed to keep his anxiety and fear at bay the whole time. He seemed less nervous now than he did before.

"Lets go." said Allen as he dragged Krory off to the cafeteria to get lunch.

* * *

Now that they'd eaten their massive lunches, in awkward silence of course, the two boys were sitting there on the stairs, both waiting for Allen to say something. Problem was, Allen's plan hadn't quite gotten so far as to planning what he was going to say. He didn't like winging it, but he'd been in a little bit of a panic at the time, and now was paying the consequences. Nothing he could do about that now but just go along with it.

So what was it he needed to say again? Right. Apology, explain, and see where it goes from there. He'll probably want proof, or at least something.

So I'll figure that out. God my stomach hurts. Damn this fear. Why am I so afraid of people all the time? I guess because they all hate me. And Krory has a pretty good reason. Why else would I be doing this. Okay, well, first thing's first I guess. If the first thing wasn't first, it'd no longer be the first thing. Haha. Funny. Not really. Not at all. That was a lame ass joke. It wasn't even a joke. It was just terrible. Like me. But only terrible people can come up with terrible things like that, I suppose.

You're losing focus Allen. Concentrate. Focus. Stay calm. Move on. And then talk.

"Krory," Allen began to say and Krory looked up. He'd been staring at his feet nervously waiting for whatever Allen had in mind, "I wanted to start this off with an apology. I am truly sorry for what I have done and what happened. I honestly didn't mean to hurt you and I can say that I didn't lie to you when I said that I didn't think that you are a monster or a vampire."

"But-"

"Don't interrupt. I may not be able to start again. Please let me ramble. You will be satisfied. No matter what, I will make you believe me. And if you decide not to forgive me and hate me then I won't blame you. That's your choice. But I really need you to believe me when I say that I don't think of you that way.

"What I think you are is a really nice person Krory. You helped me when I was sick and invited me over and have treated me much better than I have any right to deserve from anyone. To me, what it looks like is that you are a nice person who has been treated badly their whole life by their peers and possibly others, I can't say for sure. I wanted you to know that I deeply regret what has happened, and that it is completely my fault and I am sorry.

"Before you try to interrupt again, I can see it in your face, let me explain what you must have heard that night at your place when I was out of it and couldn't control myself. I told you that I thought you were a monster and a vampire and that you were going to beat me and get me and stuff to the like, correct? Just nod or shake your head." Krory nodded, "I hope you will believe me when I explain this to you, but I can understand your skepticism if you don't. It has been a month, about, and that's plenty of time to come up with a believable story, but I hope you can believe that this is the truth, because that's all this is. The straight-up truth of Allen Walker's thoughts about Arystar Krory III. I don't like admitting my thoughts to anyone, but I can't hurt you more than I have, nor can I leave you hurt when I understand how much it hurts myself. What I say may not help you to fell any better about what I said before, but I'm hoping that it at least changes something, and hopefully something for the better.

"When I was delirious that night, I can imagine why I might have said some of those things. I'm very sorry Krory, but before the party, I did think that way. I didn't want to go, but I was scared that you would come after me and beat me if I didn't go, and that you would corner me, beat me, and eat me if I did. I decided to face you. I didn't want to go, I was scared, but I went anyway, even with just a sliver of hope that things wouldn't turn out badly. I don't know if I was sick or not at that time, but it wouldn't make much of a difference. I was thinking that way long before that date, and being sick may have only intensified those thoughts. It didn't create them. I'm very very sorry.

"I am one who is quick to judge by appearances, hypocritical as it may be. If there's one thing anyone ever needs to know about me, it is that I am a huge hypocrite. Judging people based on appearances has saved my skin many too many times in the past and it's a habit that I never thought to break. I thought that I was good enough at it that I didn't have to meet people to know their personalities well enough to know if they were safe or not to be around. Apparently I was wrong. You are not who I pegged you to be and I have treated you terribly, a way that no one deserves without first earning it. You didn't earn my distrust and paranoia, and for that I am once again very sorry.

"I do understand what it is like to be hurt that way. As you can see, white hair and a long stand-out scar make it hard for one to appear normal. I guess I could dye my hair and wear make up, but it's expensive, not to mention that the consequences would be even worse when it was found out. And I don't mind getting weird stares from the teachers saying that I'm a rebel or a hooligan. It's useful sometimes. The teachers leave you alone.

"But the hair and scar aren't the only things that stand out. I don't know if you noticed this at the party, but there is one other part of my body that stands out just as much, but I can hide this one. In some ways, this is the worst of the three defects on my body. If I was born with any of them, I'm sure that I could come to accept them more easily, but I caused them. They are my fault. And now I live with them.

Allen rolled up his left sleeve. Krory's eyes widened. He hadn't seen this coming. It was harder to stay angry at the boy now that he was talking. And he seemed to be sincere. Krory was somewhat intrigued with the story before, although he refused to show it, stubbornness winning out, but after seeing the arm, he couldn't hide his curiosity.

"My arm was burned terribly when I fell into a fire..."

* * *

_July 2002_

_Cross was after me again. I tried to make dinner right this time. I really did. And I did my very best. I just couldn't quite reach the dial on the stove over the steam and I didn't want to get burned. Being burned hurts. It's happened a lot and I don't like it. I tried to reach the dial but I'm not big enough yet. And then there was smoke._

_Lots of smoke was coming from the stove and then the fire alarm started blaring really loudly. I had to cover my ears because it was too loud and it hurt them. Then I remembered that Cross was taking a nap. Cross didn't like to get woken up. He really didn't like it. So I found a towel and started jumping and shaking the towel at the fire alarm. It wasn't working very well. There was too much smoke on the ceiling for that to work._

_Then I heard thumping on the stairs. It sounded like Cross was awake. And judging by his footsteps, he wasn't very happy. But Cross wasn't usually very happy. Cross sounded incredibly enraged._

_It was then that Cross took the towel, shook away some smoke, and turned off the stove himself. He realized how incompetent I was, and I knew it too. I couldn't do anything. I was useless._

Then to teach me a lesson, Cross beat me. He beat me really hard. It wasn't like I didn't deserve it. I messed up his dinner and I woke him up from his nap. I screamed and screamed but that made it worse. His screams made him punch and hit and kick harder than ever. I did my best to shut up, trying not to let a whimper escape, for fear he would hit me again for making a sound. After a bit, he stopped. I was bleeding and I was dizzy, whether it was from the pain or blood loss, I couldn't tell you, even now. Most likely it was from the pain, but I'd lot enough blood in the past short while to make the other a possibility too. Or maybe I was just hungry. I don't think I'd eaten that day. I spent too long getting Cross's meals prepared. I wasn't very good at cooking yet, so each meal took a long time. And Cross wouldn't accept something easy to make. Easy stuff and instant stuff didn't suit his tastes. And I'd already learned that lesson.

_Then, to teach me a lesson, or at least to give me a more suitable 'chore,' he told me to chop some firewood, bring it in and start a fire for him. It was summer and already very warm, but he wanted a fire anyway. I guess for mood or something. He was going to have a woman friend over later and I didn't really understand any of that stuff. I just did what he told me._

_So I went outside and found our wood pile. I picked up a piece of wood and brought it over to our chopping block. I picked up the hatchet and just started swinging. I was frustrated. I was angry. I didn't like what happened and I was really mad._

_I was dizzy and tired and I felt really weak. It was fear I guess. And hunger and pain maybe. I didn't chop the blocks quite straight but that was okay. They were going to burn anyways, so what did the shape matter? As long as they were small enough to burn. That's what I thought at the time, anyways. I just hacked some pieces to any size. It didn't matter._

_I carried the wood back into the house. The pile was probably about half my height and the pieces were wider than my shoulders. They weren't very neat pieces, all different shapes and sizes. A lot weren't even straight on all sides. I was hoping it would be fine since they were just going to burn. I forgot about the rules of fire making. I forgot about why the pieces need to be straight._

_When I started the fire, lighting the tinder, everything was fine. It started the way it always does. It burned a little, and the flame continued to burn until the end of the paper. I realized that I forgot to put in the kindling. I put in a little more tinder, then added kindling this time. When the fire was going a little bit more, and boy it smelled nice, you can't replace the smell of a real log-burning fire, I added the real wood. I put it in any which way and that was my mistake._

_I sat by the fire, dazed and warm. I was still a little dizzy, and I hurt a little bit, but I had no energy to move when my left arm started to get really really hot. It hurt a lot, but I didn't want to move. I was too tired. It hurt, but I didn't care. I passed out._

_I woke up in the hospital with Cross shouting at me._

"_You little arsonist! You tried to burn down my house! What's wrong with you? Why didn't you stop the fire? This is your fault! I hope that you learned your lesson. You aren't going to be using that arm any time soon. You nearly burned it off with that stunt you pulled. I hope you're happy with yourself you little punk." Cross shouted angrily_

"_I-I'm sorry Master Cross." apologized Allen, sobbing through his oxygen mask. It was muffled, and Allen's apology was hard to make out, but Cross still understood. He ignored it._

"You're in for a world of hurt when you get back. I'm going to beat the shit outta you and you are not gonna be happy. You just wait. And now you've got one less arm to protect yourself. And don't tell the nurses or doctors or anyone about how you got anything but the burns, you hear me? Because if you do, you'll regret it even more than you already do now. You can bet on it, you little cheat." Cross whispered to Allen before taking his leave. He left me in the hospital for a few days to recover enough to get home, then I walked myself home.

_I got home from the hospital a few days later. My arm really hurt and I couldn't move it. Trying to move it hurt, using my other arm to move it hurt it more, and changing the gauze like the nurses showed me hurt like hell. It was unimaginable. They patched up all my wounds while I was there, and I am grateful for that, but it still really hurt._

_I couldn't move it at all for a long time. Even after it stopped hurting, I couldn't move it at all, or at least it was really awkward and slow and shaky when I did. So I did what I had to to get it to work again. I learned to cheat in cards. It was actually, dare I say it, kind of fun. I enjoyed these games: poker, blackjack, texas hold'em, lots of great gambling games. Cross had mentioned something about me being a cheater once, and that never using my arm again was a good bet, so I decided to bet on the less probable outcome for the greater payoff. I learned to use my arm and hand like normal by the end of the summer. And I'd developed a really good poker face too._

_Any time it hurt, I could just let that face slip on and get through any tough time just like it was a game of poker. Smile and act like nothing's wrong, and everything's normal. Like nothing. Bluffing through life._

* * *

"Bluffing through life. That's what I did. That's what I still do. It's all I know how to do. And it was fear of bad things happening to me that made these awful hypocritical judgements start appearing in my behaviour. I'm really sorry for that, but it was a force of habit by that point. I don't know when exactly, but at some point during my stay at the hospital, my hair started growing in white. Maybe it was from the immense fear I had, and maybe it was shock at what had happened, or maybe it was a fluke. I doubt that it was a fluke, but who knows for sure. Maybe it was even from the pain. It doesn't matter. Since my hair was short, it wasn't long before I had a head of white hair.

"Once school started again, no one recognized me. I was a new person, and it was effectively a new start. That's what I thought, for about twenty minutes at least. It only took twenty minutes for the bullies who'd tormented me before to recognize me, come up with a plan, and start torturing me again. It really hurt. I hated it. I hated myself and I hated my eye and I hated my arm (which they found out about quickly enough) and I hated everything.

"It was hell, and I was a monster to them all. Just a monster. A freak. They judged me on nothing more than my appearance. Over time, to protect myself from their verbal (and sometimes physical) lashings, I learned to tell apart the people who would hurt me and the people who would do nothing.

"Unfortunately, you looked like the type who would hurt me, so I did my best to avoid you and I was dead scared of you for the longest time. I didn't even think you were a vampire at first, just a poser. A poser to draw in the freak and them get him to trust you so that you could hurt him. I wasn't about to let the plan that my mind had concocted succeed. It wouldn't have been the first time that that plan had worked, and I didn't want to fall for it again. I was paranoid. And I'm very sorry.

"Because of my selfishness, you were hurt badly, and I can't ever erase that pain. I can do my best to make you feel differently towards me, and hopefully ease some of that pain and hurt with better feelings associated with myself, but that's probably just wishful thinking. I don't deserve your forgiveness. What I did to you was cruel and I won't blame you if you never forgive me.

"Just let me say that I'm sorry and I do know how you feel and it's not something I would ever wish upon anyone, much less something I would try to inflict upon anyone. I'm very sorry.

"And I want to say thanks for listening. I expected you to go storming off a while ago, but I'm very happy that you're still here. Thank you Krory. Thanks." Allen finished his rant, not noticing that he'd been crying since partway through his flashback.

Krory believed the white haired boy completely. Who would make up such a story? Well, many could, but who would actually do it, then have the guts to tell it to someone who's acting like they hate your guts and then cry about it? Only a crazy one. And that would be why he made it up in the first place. But Allen didn't seem crazy. He seemed like a normal enough guy, or at least not crazy anyways. So Krory believed his story. Did Allen even realize that he was crying?

Allen and Krory sat in silence until Allen noticed Krory looking at him, but not with hate or pity. He expected either one, but not the look that he was getting right now.

"Why're you staring at me like that? Whaddyou have to be con-confused about? Shit!" Allen just realized that he was crying, "Damn, I'm not s'posed to swear. God I'm an idiot. Now I guess I know what you're confused about. What's a guy like me doing crying in front of a guy like you? A guy who hates me? I dunno. I guess it just happened. So you gonna laugh at me or what?" Allen asked, looking defeated and like he was about to get kicked down.

"Why would I do anything like that?" asked Krory, "You just told me so much that I doubt anyone has ever had the luxury of hearing before. I'm glad that you told me. I can understand sort of why you thought what you thought. I get the whole monster and vampire part. That reputation's been following me for a long time. And it doesn't help that I like to drink tomato juice either. It's not your fault, and if you really had as hard a time with bullies as you say, and I can only imagine you did, then I can definitely understand your wanting to stay away from me. Why associate with someone else who's likely to end up in the same situation? It would just lead to more time for both of us to get bullied. My time and your time. And since we'd be together, they'd have more fun than normal and make extra time for both of us, probably. That's they way they work. You know it and I know it.

"I don't blame you at all for thinking what you thought, because I've thought it about myself too. I think it all the time. I'm never good enough, or human enough I suppose, for anyone else. And I was really afraid at my party that you wouldn't show up because, for one birthday party way back when in grade six, I invited a bunch of people. A lot of them said yes and no one showed up. Not a single person. It hurt really bad. Now I can't stand feeling lonely, because of that awful loneliness that I felt when no one came. I dunno if you know what that feels like, but it's the worst thing you can imagine. And now I can't trust people much. I can't think of myself as being well-liked when many people proved it the opposite years ago. I'm kind of self-conscious about the image I put out, so I guess I may have overreacted to those simple words. I'm sorry about that, but I thank you for apologizing anyways. You didn't really have to, I guess. I was being kind of stubborn before.

"And I guess the part where I was going to beat you stems from the vampire thing? Maybe. If it doesn't, that's your business, but I'm glad you shared with me what you did. It took guts. The best kind. The ones that aren't spilling out on the floor." Krory smiled.

Allen started making a choking noise, doing his best to hold in his laughter, but eventually he had to let it out. He burst out laughing like he didn't think was possible anymore. He laughed, and Krory joined in with him. He felt so good in that moment, and forgot about everything he was just crying about. It felt nice to let it out, in a way that, for once, wasn't crying to his lonesome self.

A warm feeling flowed through Allen as he laughed, and he felt more at peace with himself than he had in a long time. As at peace as he could be with his traumatized self. It felt good, and he didn't really understand why.

Don't think about it Allen, it may just disappear if you do. Just accept it. Think about it later.

And so he didn't think about it for the moment. He just let his brain feel the goodness and nothing else. Nothing else existed. Just good feelings. He didn't even notice when he stopped feeling lonely, and started having fun. With his new friend. Yes, he'll admit now that Krory is his friend.

"Y'know Krory, you're a great friend, and I'll definitely come to your birthday party." said Allen when his laughing calmed down.

"Thanks Allen. You don't know how much it mean to me to hear that." said Krory. And Allen really didn't. He couldn't know because he'd never experienced it. For a second that felt odd, trying to be in someone else's shoes in a position that he had not previously occupied at some point or other. But he let it pass.

"You're right. I-" Allen was cut off.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

"Oh shoot! It's class time! Better run before we're late!" said Allen as the two friends dashed towards their lockers, then to class. Not a bad way to start things off.

* * *

**A/N**: Finally got that chapter done. =) I dunno about you but I liked it. Allen admits he has a friend! Step one complete. No I can't explain that. It'll ruin it. ;) Sorry about the little Allen torture, but there's probably more to come. If you guys don't like it just let me know and I won't include any more flashbacks (except the one about Mana because it's important). Whatever you like. =) And let me know what you think of the story. Good? Bad? Too fast? Slow? Needs more llamas? Anything. I'm open to anything, even flames if you hate it. Anyways, now there's gonna be a small time skip, so I hope it's not too confusing.

Hope you enjoyed it!

Till next time

-Shippo704


	10. First Confession

**A/N**: I don't know if I'll be able to update for another week or so. I'm leaving in two days, but I'm only gone for four, so I should have an update for you all in just over a week. Sorry about that. Anyways, enjoy!

**Warning**: Language, SI (Self Injury), and mild angst.

* * *

**First Confession**

* * *

_June 2008_

"Exam are DONE! Allen it's so amazing! Exams are finally over and now it's summer vacation! Oh I'm so happy I can hardly contain the excitement!" Krory exclaimed when he came out of his last exam. Allen was sitting by their lockers and waiting for him. Allen didn't have an exam that day, his exam had finished a couple of days ago, but Krory had asked him to come in anyways. Allen didn't know why he'd agreed, but he did. It's not like he had anything better to do anyways.

"That's great Krory." Allen said, less than enthusiastically.

"I know!" Krory said, missing the little bit of sarcasm, "And that means that I need to have another party! You and me! We can hang out in my castle and, and, and... Do things! Yeah, we can do things! And it will be fun and really great! Because we're friends and it's going to be a really good summer! I'm so excited about it!" Krory exclaimed

"If you say so Krory. I'm tired right now. The plan was to nap during your exam, but that didn't happen." Allen let out a big yawn, "Didn't sleep much last night, and sleeping here just isn't quite right. And sure, a party sounds good. Just tell me when it is and I'll be there. It's not like I'm doing anything." Allen said sleepily

"In that case, it's tonight! Show up whenever you want to! I'll make dinner and everything! And it'll be the most fun you've had in a long time! You'll see! It'll be great!" Krory said excitedly, not really noticing the sleepiness of the boy next to him.

"Gotcha. Later then." Allen said, getting up to leave.

"Hey, wait. Where are you going Allen? I thought you were going to stay for a while, so we could talk and stuff. You want to leave so soon? I just got here and you're already leaving." Krory complained a little sadly

"I told you already. I'm tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I was gonna go home and nap for a while. Didn't I tell you that?" said Allen a little irritably

"Oh. You did say that. I'm sorry. Do you think that you'd like it better if I had the party on a different day?" asked Krory

"Nah. Don't worry about it. I'll be fine after a nap. I'll be there later." said Allen, rubbing his eyes and once again making his way to leave. "I'll see you later Krory. You know I'll be there in plenty of time for dinner. I wouldn't miss food for anything. See you in a few hours." And Allen walked away.

"Alright. Get some rest Allen, I'll see you later!" Krory called after him as he watched his friend walk away.

* * *

Allen was at home but he couldn't sleep, no matter what he tried. He laid down, he tried reading a little, he drank some warm milk, he tried a little meditation and relaxation, but he couldn't sleep. It was just after noon when he realized that he was a bit anxious. The feeling was so common to him that he had started ignoring it and just accepting it as normal. He just didn't notice it anymore unless he tried to notice it.

Damn it! What do I have to be so anxious about? There's nothing. Nothing at all. I don't know why I wouldn't have been able to sleep last night, nor right now. Is it because Krory's having a party? Yep that's it. My chest just got really heavy from thinking about it. I don't know why I'm so nervous. He's my friend, right? That means I trust him? Ah! My chest has got to stop doing that. Maybe I don't really trust him. But I guess I must because I told him about my arm, right? Doesn't that mean I trust him? Because I don't tell anyone about that. I don't show anyone that. Doesn't that mean I trust him? Maybe a little. But then why do I still feel so scared?

Is it because I still can't tell him enough? Stupid brain! Let me sleep! That way I can think more clearly and sort this out. Wait, I just need to think more clearly. My brain is messed up right now. It feels all muddy and fogged up. But I just need to clear it up. Then maybe I can sleep and figure out why all this stuff is bugging me so much. Just need to clean out my head. Maybe a shower will help? Well, probably not, but it feels good anyways. I'll take one I guess and see what happens after that.

Allen took a shower, but his brain still felt muddled and messy. It didn't help, but at least he felt warm and clean. He still had a few hours before he had to leave for Krory's place, so he decided to try napping again, though he was positive it wouldn't work.

About half an hour of laying in his bed later, Allen was frustrated.

Grr! Damn it! Why isn't anything working? All I want to do is get two, maybe three hours of sleep. Most people wouldn't have any trouble with this at all. What's wrong with me that I can't? And why is my brain so dirty? Aaaaaah! I hate this!

Allen slammed his hands on his pillow and started beating it to let out some of that frustration. It wasn't really working. All it did was make him more frustrated. He also felt a little depressed by the futility of it all. Then he remembered something.

I've got it. I have an idea that just might work. I just need to remember where Cross kept it. It should help a lot. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. It worked before, so it should work again. Now where did Cross keep it? Oh yea, I remember. He put it in the pencil holder in his den. That's where he keeps all of those small objects that he doesn't use. He's not coming back, and even if he did, I doubt he'd notice it missing.

Allen grabbed what he needed and ran back upstairs to his room.

Now just where should I do this? I guess since I did it here on the floor before, I should do it here again. Now I've just gotta pick a good spot on my body. My legs are too tough, and even though it's sharper this time, I don't want to take any chances that it won't work. I want to be sure. I want to get rid of this awful feeling in my head! I can use my arms. The wrists are too obvious, that's where anyone would look if they got suspicious, so a little bit higher up? Right below the elbow. I can bend my arm to keep it safe when I wear sleep clothes. Then no one will see. It'll be safe until it goes back to normal. Okay, I'm ready. Lets do this.

Allen took the blade of the penknife he took and held it against his arm on the soft inner arm, just below his elbow. The adrenaline started working it's magic. Allen felt his head start to clear. This was just from the blade touching his skin.

He stared at the soft white flesh of his inner arm and grinned. This was going to be a great experience. He was excited. He could feel the blood pumping through his arms in anticipation, and could only imagine the rush he would feel when he dug it in. He would see red on the pale white, tainting it, staining it. It would be a perfect reflection of him. He was white, innocent, a blank sheet, a regular being. Then he was stained by Cross. All that hurt that he felt because of Cross, it stained him, it changed him. He wasn't a good person anymore. He wasn't sure he really was a person anymore. He was ready. The anticipation had built enough that he felt like he was going to burst. He dug the knife into his right arm.

It started swelling immediately. The sticky red liquid stared pouring out, then Allen felt the pain. It was delicious. It felt so good.

It's sort of like a skin-gasm, I guess. It just feels so nice. I like this feeling, the blade chafing my skin a little as it slides and slices, and the fog in my head is leaving. This feels so good. I love it. Uh oh. That's a little deeper than I thought. It's big and it's about to drip. I'll go put it under some water. Ouch! That stings a little. Well, running water is supposed to burn the wicked. I guess it only stings when it's just a wicked deed. But It just felt so good. Ah, my head's starting to fog a little again. I guess that just means I have to slice the other arm too. Make a matching pair. Then it should work. One cut just wasn't enough. I make a second, and that should do it. Ah! Perfect. It feels so great. I love this feeling. It's like there was never anything wrong to start with, and anything bad is just bleeding out of me. It's cleaning me, from inside to out. I'll wrap this up. I can't let anyone see this, and the sooner it starts healing, the better. I can't let these marks be here forever. Normal people have clean arms. Well, these scratches will heal over time. It's okay.

Allen took out the first aid kit that he kept under the bathroom sink and wrapped some gauze around his arms. He had cut a little deeper than he'd thought, but he didn't reach a vein or anything. He wasn't that stupid. He didn't try to kill himself, he wasn't suicidal, but he didn't remember to be careful about the depth either. He was hoping they wouldn't scar. With that taken care of, Allen set his alarm for 5pm and laid in his bed. Sleep claimed him quickly, and he was thankful.

* * *

The alarm went off, as expected, at 5pm. Allen had gotten over three hours of sleep, so that was very helpful to his state of mind. He was still groggy, but he wasn't thinking any of the bad things he was thinking before. He was still anxious, but that's to be expected, since he lives in an almost constant state of mild anxiety.

"Well Tim, I'd better start packing. Knowing Krory, I'll end up sleeping at his house again. I'd better be prepared for that." Allen said to Timcampy. Krory had gotten him to sleep over several times since they'd been friends. It'd always started out as a study session or homework session, but he'd ended up staying the night at Krory's insistence.

"Clothes, toothbrush, hairbrush, sleep stuff... What am I forgetting? Right! First aid stuff. Can't let Krory get too worked up about this. If he sees anyways. I guess he probably will notice the white bandages on my arms. What could my excuse be? Hmm... I know, if I tie them properly and in the same place on both arms, I might be able to pass it off as a fashion statement. No matter how much I liked it, I doubt I'll use the arms again. They're too obvious, and much harder to come up with excuses for. If someone happened to pantsed me to see the scars on my legs, I could just say I fell off my bike, or someone accidentally kicked some gravel at me, or I got knocked down, or a dog bit me, or something to the like. But pant legs cover this up much more easily. There aren't any good believable excuses for the arms other than 'a cat scratched me' and no one believes that anymore.

"So I've got clothes for tomorrow, toothbrush and toothpaste, hairbrush, sleep stuff, first aid stuff, and an excuse. Perfect. I'm ready to go to Krory's. It's only 5:20 so I'll be there with plenty of time for dinner. Maybe if I show up early enough, I can help out in the kitchen, since he's nice enough to have me over and all.

"Well Tim, I'm on my way now, but... This feels wrong. Purposely going somewhere where I expect to sleep and stay the night and I'm leaving you behind... Oh Tim! You know what? You're gonna come with me Tim. Yes you are, and Krory can't do a damn thing about it. You're my stuffed golem and there is no way that I am leaving you behind." With that, Allen put Tim in his bag and left the house. He locked the door and began the walk to Krory's castle.

* * *

Allen knocked on the door to Krory's castle. He heard Krory inside, dropping whatever he was doing, at least he assumed when he heard a loud crash, and rushing to open the door.

"Welcome Allen! I was just about to start making dinner! I'm glad you're here. It's a little bit of prep work, but it shouldn't take too long. Come in and make yourself comfortable. It's good that you brought your bags. I was going to invite you to stay the night, but you're a step ahead of me already. Put them wherever you'd like and we'll move them later. Do whatever you'd like for now and I'll join you in a bit." Krory said, very happy that his friend was here.

Allen walked inside and put his bags down. "Thanks Krory, but can I help you out in the kitchen? I'm a fair cook myself and I'll do my best not to get in your way. I'd like to help you out as a thanks for letting me stay here so often. It's not right to have you cater everything. I'll help you out." Allen said to a pleasantly surprised Krory

"Of course you can help out! Cooking is much more fun when it's done as friends! And if we're both making it and helping each other then it will probably taste even better! Oh this is great!" Krory said quite happily. He hadn't expected such an offer from the white haired boy, but it was an offer he wouldn't turn down, "Follow me. The kitchen is over here. I'm making a broccoli casserole. It's not too difficult, but it takes a little bit of time to prepare. Come on!"

Allen followed Krory into the kitchen. Together they prepped the casserole and set it in the oven to bake. It had a 40 minute baking time, so the two had to do something to pass the time.

"Hey Allen, you know I've never shown you my greenhouse. Do you want to see it? I'm very proud of it." asked Krory

"Sure Krory. Sounds good. I'd like to see what kinds of plants you're in to." said Allen

"Great! It's just over this way." Krory said as he led a lost-looking Allen to the greenhouse. Allen was really bad with directions and he hadn't been in this part of the castle before. He noticed that they passed a giant portrait of someone who liked Krory, but much much older, and with a tongue sticking out for some reason. Then they passed a library full of books that looked ancient. And dusty. They probably hadn't read in years. Then they passed what looked like a woman's room, at least that's what Allen assumed. There were giant mirrors with fancy gold coloured frames, and a desk with boxes and boxes of what looked like make up, from a distance. Krory tensed up a little as they passed this room, but didn't say anything. After working their way through the complicated corridors, they arrived at the greenhouse.

"Don't worry about leaving the casserole alone. I have a system set up so that five minutes before the timer goes off, a warning will some out of that speaker in the corner. It only takes two minutes or so get back to the kitchen, so we'll have plenty of time to get the food before it burns. I'm in here quite often when I'm baking or cooking things."

"Sounds good. Can't have burnt food now, can we?" Allen joked a little, "So what are these flowers? They're pretty, and they give off a strange odour."

Just then, the flower opened its mouth. Yes, its mouth.

"Gah! What the hell Krory! This thing has a mouth! What's wrong with it?" Allen said, very scared of the plant with the ring of sharp teeth.

"There's nothing wrong with it at all Allen. It's the prize of my collection. I inherited it from my grandfather. Sure it's bitten me several times and probably tried to eat me, but it's still my favourite plant." Krory explained, "You're just the most beautiful flower in the world aren't you? I love you!" Krory cooed.

"That's... Kind of weird Krory. It's not normal to talk to a plant that way. Especially one that looks like... That..." Allen winced as the carnivorous plant bit his hand and started suckling it. "This thing is sucking my blood! Make it stop! Get it off me!" Allen shouted, panicked

"I can't do anything, it's got you so you have to get it to let go! Just tell it that you love it. It doesn't eat things that love it." Krory instructed Allen

"But I don't love it! OOOW!" The plant bit harder, "Fine then! I love you! I love you! IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou!" Allen screamed at it. The plant let go. It started nuzzling him. "Get away from me you... pretty... flower" Allen remembered to be nice to it. The plant moved away.

"Perfect. Now my plant likes you. And you two will get along quite well. Just don't forget to be nice. It's the star of my collection and I don't want its feelings to get hurt. I keep a first aid kit over here just in case someone gets bitten. I'll put these bandages on your hand. I hope it didn't hurt too much." Krory said as he started wrapping Allen's hand. "I'll help you change it later." Once that was done, he walked ahead and began showing off the rest of his flowers.

"Maybe I'm starting to regret this decision" Allen said to himself quietly. Krory didn't hear him.

Krory took Allen around the rest of his greenhouse. He explained to Allen that this used to be his grandfathers collection and that it had been entrusted to him when his grandfather died. Krory looked after his grandfathers legacy with such devotion that Allen wondered how he ever had spare time for anything else, and how he learned so much about each and every plant that he owned. And there were a lot of them. Too many. And Allen felt a small bit of pride when he saw the poinsettia that he had given Krory in a small pot on one of the tables in the greenhouse. He felt happy.

Soon enough, the speaker in the corner started beeping, alerting Krory that the casserole was five minutes from done.

"Okay Allen, lets go get the casserole so that we can eat. I don't know about you, but I'm starving." said Krory

"Agreed. If I wait much longer, my stomach is going to start eating itself just to have something to digest." Allen replied

"My thoughts exactly. Lets hurry before it burns. Come on!" Krory hurried away.

Allen chased Krory back through the complicated corridors of Krory's castle and he somehow made it back to the kitchen without getting lost or separated. He was a little impressed with himself. The two ate dinner, talked for awhile, and had a good time. The happy duo kept it up until just before midnight, when they decided that it would be best if they both prepared for bed. They didn't want to go to sleep yet, Allen was tired but he ignored it, but if they were going to be staying up, they might as well be wearing fluffy and comfy sleep clothes.

"Allen, you'll need to change the bandages when you put on your clothes. I'll bring you some new ones. Do you think you'll need help with changing them? Since you only have one hand to work with?" Krory asked

"Sure Krory. That'd be great. Just let me put my sleep clothes on first, that way my shirt won't get in the way while you're working." Allen said to Krory, forgetting about his earlier actions.

"Okay, no problem. I'll change too and be back in a couple of minutes with fresh stuff. I'm sorry about my plan biting you and all..." Krory apologized

"Don't worry about it. It was my own fault anyways." Allen said, "I'll see you in a couple of minutes."

"Right" Krory said

A couple of minutes later, Krory came back with new bandages and some polysporin to put on the bite. It had drawn blood and Krory didn't want the bite to get infected, so he figured that some anti-infection cream would help. Then, through the door, he heard Allen swear.

"Shit!" he heard Allen say, followed by what sounded like a head hitting itself against a wall repeatedly.

"Allen? Are you okay in there?" asked Krory, a little concerned because his white haired friend didn't swear. The one time he'd heard it before, it was followed by the boy scolding himself for doing it. This time there wasn't any scolding. Krory was concerned.

"I-It's nothing Krory. I'm fine. Just give me a couple minutes." Allen said. There was silence for a bit. "Krory, you still out there? Well, if you're there, could you bring me my bag? There's something in there that I forgot." Allen requested.

"Yeah, sure. No problem. I'll be back in a minute." Krory answered. He wondered what Allen had forgotten.

He came back and gave Allen his bag.

"Thanks Krory. Sorry about that, and I apologize for making you wait so long. I won't be more than a couple of minutes." said Allen. He was mentally cursing himself for forgetting the bandages he'd brought with him. He needed to change the ones on his arms before Krory saw the old bandages and decided that he needed to change them himself. He also cursed himself for not thinking this through earlier, but he hadn't had much choice earlier either.

This is really bad. Krory is going to see the bandages on my arms and then he's going to want answers to questions. This is really bad. It's really really bad. But right now I can't think about that. It's a fashion statement and that's my story. Yes a fashion statement while I'm sleeping. Because school is scary of course. That'll work. Now, to change them. It's going to be harder with my hand the way it is, but I'll do it. And I'll throw the old ones to the bottom of the trash bin so that Krory doesn't notice them. Perfect plan. Just change them and be done. It's all going to work out, int the end.

Allen managed to change the gauze on his arms without any more than small hisses of pain. The wounds still hurt, especially when rubbed by raw, dry gauze. Maybe he should have wet it? But that would be suspicious. A wet fashion statement? Yeah right. After a few minutes he was done. He threw the used stuff to the bottom of Krory's trash bin and made sure that no blood showed through the new gauze. In peeling off the old stuff, he'd started to bleed again. He was losing a lot of blood today. He was satisfied with his job and called out to Krory.

"Krory, I'm done now. Can you come change the stuff on my hand now please?" Allen asked politely, doing his best to sound like he hadn't been doing something suspicious.

"Yeah, of course Allen." Krory said. He was already a little suspicious. He heard small hisses followed by some thumping that sounded like Allen was dropping something soft into an empty bucket. He didn't want to intrude on his friend's privacy, so he didn't say anything.

"Thanks." Allen said, very grateful to Krory for helping. As Allen expected, Krory then asked about the bandages on his arms.

"What happened to your arms Allen? Why are they covered in bandages?" Krory asked, a little worried for his friend.

"Nothing happened to them. I'm just making a fashion statement. And sometimes I sweat in my sleep. This is just to help clean me off." Allen lied flawlessly. He made up the second part on the spot, even if it was ridiculous.

"Oh. Interesting. Not something I'd expect you to do, but whatever. It's your business." Krory said. Allen was shocked by how quickly Krory dropped the subject. Krory didn't miss the look of surprise that appeared on Allen's face for a split second before returning to normal. He was planning to ask Allen later when they were in a bigger space. Small spaces and tough questions tend to make people feel trapped, and Krory didn't want to upset his friend more than he already feared the small boy was. Krory really hoped that he was wrong in his suspicions.

Krory finished changing the bandages and got up to leave. "Let's go to your room so that I can set up my sleeping bag and other things. I even brought someone with me this time." Allen said happily.

"Someone? How did you stuff a person in your bag? A-And why didn't you tell me first? I can't believe I might have just let someone go hungry through dinner!" Krory said, starting to panic.

Allen laughed, "Don't worry about it Krory. He's not even alive."

"You brought a DEAD person to my castle? And you think telling me that would make me feel BETTER?" Krory shouted angrily, very scared now. What if someone found out about the dead person in his castle?

Allen laughed again, even harder than before, "It's not a dead person Krory! It's a stuffed golem! His name is Timcampy. He's been my best friend for a long time. Since my fifth birthday I think." Allen kept laughing and took out Timcampy, "See, look."

Krory felt instant relief upon seeing the golem. "Oh. I guess I was freaking out for nothing then." He felt a little awkward, but resolved himself as he reminded himself of what was about to come. He let his friend laugh for now, because he certainly wouldn't be in such a happy mood for very much longer.

Allen set up his sleeping stuff, and Krory watched him carefully. He didn't use his bandaged hand to do anything, and Krory found it odd that Allen didn't put anything on his arms where the bandages were, despite being temporarily one-handed. This put some more evidence on the side of his suspicions, but he waited until Allen was finished before saying anything to him.

"Allen, what's up with the bandages on your arms?" Krory asked as Allen crawled into his sleeping bag with Timcampy. Krory turned off the main lights and turned on the smaller desk lamp. This was what normally happened when they talked, they turned on a smaller light so that they could sleep whenever they wanted to, but tonight it just made the atmosphere more grim.

"I already told you, it's a fashion statement and a sweat catcher. Going senile at fourteen Krory?" Allen asked in a joking manner, trying to keep it light and stay off the subject of his arms.

"And what if I didn't believe you?" Krory said. It was more of a statement than a real question.

"Well then, I guess you'd be wrong then." Allen said, no emotions on his face.

"Then what's with the look you're giving me right now. It's far too serious if you aren't lying to me." Krory said.

"Fine, I lied, okay? You happy?" Allen half shouted at him, his eyes becoming glassy.

"Then what's the truth Allen. I have a guess, but I hope it's not true. Even if it is, you can tell me, I won't judge you." Krory said gently and kindly.

"But I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone. And you would. You wouldn't see me the same, and I can't find anyone who doesn't hate me for one reason or the other. I don't want the friendship to change, and I know it will if I tell you."

"I promise you it won't." Krory said sincerely. He took a deep breath and resolved himself for what he was about to say, "Allen, I don't mean this with any malice, I mean this only as your friend and someone who wants to help. Please answer honestly. Allen, did you cut yourself?" Krory was scared for the answer, because he was almost certain of what it was, but he didn't let it show for his friend's sake.

"No, of course not. Why would you ask such a thing?" said Allen, no emotion on his face or in his voice, "I'm going to go to sleep now." Allen turned over and tucked himself in, hugging Timcampy tightly.

"Allen, if that's not it, then what's the real truth behind the bandages on your arms." Krory asked kindly

"Leave me alone. I can't talk about it." said Allen, still emotionless

"That pretty much confirms it then, doesn't it?" Krory said. He got out of his bed and sat next to Allen. He saw the small boy shaking, but whether it was with fear, sadness, or nervousness, Krory didn't know.

"P-Please let it be. I can't talk about it. I'm too scared. I can't let this ruin everything. I know it will. Because I'm such a damn fuckup!" Allen said, crying into Timcampy, hugging him tightly for comfort.

Krory was shocked again, hearing his friend swear as though he just didn't care any more. "It's okay Allen, you don't have to tell me why if you don't want to, just tell me yes or no. Did you do it?" Krory asked gently

Allen barely nodded his head, and while he felt scared for his friend, Krory also felt relieved that Allen had decided to tell him the truth. "Thank you Allen."

"I couldn't sleep." said Allen, "I tried my best and did everything that I knew how to fall asleep and nothing worked. Nothing. Do you know what it's like to not be able to sleep? It hurts, and you can't think straight and everything's all muddled and messed up. Then you think that you have to do anything to make that sleep happen and you can't control your emotions so well anymore. I normally control them quite tightly, but I couldn't do that. Them I remembered what made me calm down before and set me straight. Since I needed it more badly this time, I did it in an easier and more painful place. I wasn't thinking straight. I was too tired, but it helped me sleep for three hours. I don't regret it, not at all. And it felt really good, better than most other things I've ever felt. I can't regret doing that sinful deed, even if I try."

"Allen..." Krory said. He moved closer to the small crying boy and wrapped his arms around the shaking, skinny frame. Allen gasped and involuntarily flinched at the contact, but didn't try to get away this time. Instead, he seemed to enjoy the comfort that the physical contact brought.

It's so strange. It's like everything that I've wanted from Tim every time that I've hugged him to the point of choking him. I know he's stuffed, but if he could choke... I don't know. This feeling is weird, but it's kind of nice. I guess this is what it's like when one human is hugged by another human. I don't know if I like this or not. It's too weird to be touched by someone and not get hurt, to be comforted. I don't know, but I'll think about it later.

It hurts so much! My heart is going to rip itself in half. The guilt, and the relief, and all the anxiety I always feel multiplied ten times. I almost feel like I would want to die, but I don't. I don't want to die. I just want to feel good again. And maybe this is a start? I can just lay here. I'm really sleepy now. Everything hurts. My chest, my eyes, my arms, my heart. I'm just so tired, and tired of crying. Just so tired...

Krory felt the silent sobs of his friends eventually slow and stop. Soon he heard Allen's breathing become slower and deeper. The smaller boy's muscles didn't relax much, but it was easy enough to tell that he had cried himself to sleep, hopefully somewhat comforted by Krory's embrace.

Krory didn't know if what he did had helped, but he was happy that Allen had managed to fall asleep. It seemed like what he needed to sort out all of the troubles in his mind. Krory promised himself that he would help Allen as much as he could, and show Allen that nothing had changed between then. He decided that he would do whatever he could, even if it wasn't much. He hadn't had a friend before, and wanted to protect that. More importantly, he wanted to protect his friend. He couldn't let Allen go and do something stupid, like cut himself again. He'd have to watch the boy carefully, but that's what friends do. They look out for each other. Krory would look out for his smaller friend, and do whatever it took to make him feel good about himself again, so that he didn't have to resort to such extreme methods of coping with the unreasonable amount of stress he had to deal with in this world. He himself had hurt before, far too much, so he couldn't really blame Allen for what he did. He couldn't say that the thought had never crossed his own mind, but he was too much of a wimp to do it, he thought. He would do his best to help Allen.

With that last thought and promise, Krory turned out the desk light and went to sleep, hoping that everything would be a little bit better in the morning.

* * *

**A/N**: Lots of painful memories associated with that last scene, but Krory's a good friend, eh? Hope you enjoyed. Don't forget to let me know what you think. ;)

Till next time

-Shippo704


	11. Introspection

**A/N**: So I lied before. Sorry, but I'm sure you readers are probably happy about the sooner-than-expected update. It'll be about a week till the next one, no exceptions this time. This one is more or less Allen thinking to himself for a chapter. Anyways, enjoy!

GreenGreyBlue: The human tennis racket torture idea was taken from a similar experience that I'd had in the past. Some kids took me out on the playground, restrained me, wrapped a paper cone around my head (like the one dog's wear), and then started throwing things at me. I just used my imagination to increase the torture (it's kind of a grim imagination =) ). The rest will be explained in the story. =)

**Warning**: Language, angst, suicidal thinking that is probably triggering.

* * *

**Introspection**

* * *

_June 2008_

When Krory awoke the next morning, Allen was still sleeping. The smaller boy was a little restless, as though his dreams were showing him unpleasant things. Krory was tempted to was Allen up, but decided against it, since Allen needed sleep and would probably be angry and deny everything if he was woken up. Instead, Krory went to make pancakes.

Allen was dreaming of unpleasant experiences, as it turned out. He was dreaming of running away. He was running away from everyone and everything in this alternate reality. He was running and hiding from everyone that he knew. From Cross, from Komui, from Krory, from Daisya and Marie, from the whole world. He was hiding and living the same way he had been previously, just without a house. He bought his food with the money he'd saved. He got money from doing odd jobs for neighbours, and secretly kept some of it. When he regained the use of his arm, he'd learned to play cards and cheat, so he'd earned a small fortune. He was still good for a little while, but within a two weeks he would have to go out and get more again.

He was running, money and everything else he needed in a bag. He was scared and felt like he couldn't get away. They were all tracking him down, trying to get him. He thought they were going to kill him. Then he wasn't paying attention to where he was running and ran straight off of a cliff.

That wasn't there before, was it? Oh well, I die from a fall instead of by their hands. I guess it hurts less this way.

When Allen hit the bottom of the cliff, he woke up, startled. He wasn't dead. His heart was pounding and he was panting a little. He took a few minutes to calm himself down and regain his bearings. Soon enough, he realized that Krory wasn't there. Did he run away because of what he knew? Allen started to feel depressed at this thought. He knew it would change everything when Krory found out. He sighed and went downstairs to raid Krory's refrigerator. He remembered the way from the bedroom to the kitchen, but nothing else.

When he got downstairs, he was surprised when he saw Krory in an apron, frying up some pancakes. Giant golden pancakes with butter, bananas, some sugar, syrup, apple slices, and chocolate chips embedded in the golden brown cakes. Then he realized that he shouldn't have been surprised. Krory couldn't have run away from him. This was his own castle. Why would he leave? Especially with the bed as unmade as it was. Allen felt a little better than before, but all thoughts on that subject were soon lost as he got closer to the beautiful pancakes.

"Good morning Allen. I was just making breakfast. Do you want some?" Krory asked, flipping the pancakes.

"Yes please!" Allen said enthusiastically. Nothing else mattered when there was delicious food around.

"Glad to hear it. This is the last batch, so if you want to wait for a minute, I'll finish this up and set the table." said Krory

"Don't worry about the table, I can get it. I remember where you put the stuff." said Allen, making his way to the cupboard with the plates.

Once the cooking was done, the two boys sat down and devoured their pancakes. They both thoroughly enjoyed the meal. Nothing was mentioned about last night, and it was almost as if nothing had happened.

"Allen, do you want me to change the bandages on your hand? They're old and probably dirty by now." asked Krory. He avoided the ones on Allens arms because he didn't want Allen to freak out again. It turns out that that wasn't necessary.

"Um, sure. I guess that's a good idea. But could you help me with the ones on my arms too? It's kind of hard to do bandages with one hand." said Allen nervously and shyly

"Of course I'll help. I'm always happy too." said Krory.

The two went upstairs to the bathroom where Krory kept his first aid kit. Krory got Allen to sit on the edge of the bath tub and hold out his hand. He changed the bandage quickly and without any complaints from Allen, other than a small flinch when they touched, but Krory figured it was from the pain in his hand. When he got to the arms, he was interrupted by Allen.

"C-Could you please not look at it when you're changing it? I can tell you if it's in the right place and all, but I really don't want you to look at it." Allen quietly requested.

"Um, okay Allen. If you wish. It's going to be much more difficult and probably won't be as good of a repair job. But I can understand that you don't want me to see it." said Krory, also quietly. He tried not to let any sadness show in his voice or on his face.

"Thanks." said Allen, more quietly than the first question.

"Anytime." Krory said, changing the bandages on his friend's arms blindly. Allen gave him good guidance, so the wrapping job looked pretty good, despite being done with his eyes closed and his head turned.

"Thanks Krory. You're a really good friend, you know? I'm glad we're friends." Allen said, looking like he was about to cry again.

"Anytime you need it, Allen. I'll always be here, for anything. Don't you ever forget that, got it? Never forget it." said Krory, before wrapping his arms around Allen and holding the smaller boy tightly.

With that, the tears started dripping down Allen's face. This time, he even tried hugging back. It felt really nice. "Thanks Krory." was all that he managed to say without completely breaking down.

* * *

Allen returned to his house later after hanging out with Krory a bit more. When he had finished crying, he and Krory had went back to the main room and kept talking about innocent things, fun things, for a while. Allen even managed to laugh a little bit, something he didn't think that he was capable of doing at the time. Krory really was a good friend to him.

But he did have to his house. He had a couple of errands that he had to run, and he definitely didn't want Krory to find out about them. Well, at least one of them.

First thing, he grabbed his remaining money and put it in a small bag. He had about $300 left. That's a good amount. His first stop was the drugstore to get more bandages and some band-aids for when the injuries healed up somewhat and got smaller. He purchase what he needed and put his items into his bag. Then he made the stop that he kept secret from everyone. He had about $270 left, so he'd be able to use that. He needed to make a couple thousand today so that he'd be okay for the next little while.

He felt a small adrenaline rush as he walked up to the first bar. It was the middle of the day, so he was allowed in so long as he didn't purchase or consume any alcohol. That was fine with him. Alcohol would only make it more difficult to cheat and get away with it. And he'd had too many unpleasant experiences with alcohol. It was never him drinking it, but he really couldn't stand the stuff. Even being in the same room with so many people drinking it put him a little on edge, but this was something that he had to do. He'd suck it up. He didn't know how well this would go with only one hand, but he figured he could use the easier cheats with only the one hand. It's a good thing that he is ambidextrous.

He always started off with one or two guys at a small table, making small bets. He would play like a normal player for a couple of rounds, maybe lose a couple bucks, then gradually increase him skill and slowly make the wagers larger. A kid winning at poker would quickly gain attention, especially if he was winning decent cash. When he was about halfway to doubling his original amount, some of the richer ones with more confidence, and sometimes a drink in their system, would show up and he'd play with them too. The wagers would still slowly increase in value. When those guys ran out of money or became frustrated, others would take their places, if only for the chance to beat a cocky little kid who kept getting lucky. Soon enough, he'd be chased out of the bar by angry customers with a little too much alcohol in them.

This is when he'd use his speed and agility to get away from the angry mob. While playing, he would always sneak his winnings into his bag, to throw off the men as to how much cash he actually had, and so that he could make a quick getaway. Then it was on to the next place. He went systematically through four bars before he felt that he'd earned enough. And pushed his luck far enough. If he stayed out too long, it was only a matter of time before one of the angry mobs found him, and then he'd seriously be in trouble.

With $3121 in his bag, Allen slowly made his way back to his house. He wanted to get back as quickly as possible, but he had to avoid main roads. From previous experience, that's where the people would be looking for him. He (somehow) learned his way through the maze of alleys to get from one end of the sector, to the end closest to his house. He took his time to avoid making too much noise while climbing walls and fences, scooting around corners, and ducking behind boxes and barrels when he heard people coming in his direction. It took a bit, but he finally made it back.

"Okay. So I've got just over three thousand dollars. This should last me for a while. Rent is due in a week, and I've got enough for that. Then subtracting the costs of utilities and all that, I'm left with about seventeen hundred dollars. That means I can spend about fourteen hundred dollars on food and various other things this month. Not too bad. This was a pretty good haul."

Allen reflected on the afternoon and let his thoughts wander.

I just multiplied my savings ten times. I guess I'm kind of proud of that. I can multiply money in an afternoon, I can outrun and outsmart several adults at once, and I can force anyone to strip to their underwear in poker. Not that I would do that. Unless they really piss me off I guess. But I'm proud of what I can do. I can do all that, and I've got a messed up arm that shouldn't be able to move like it does. I was told that I wouldn't be able to move it properly again, but I did it. I proved them wrong, and I'm proud of that. I'm not a total loser if I can do that, right?

I suppose that's what I am in this world. Everyone is good at something, or so I'm told. So what I'm good at is cards. I can beat anyone. I'm like a card demon, I guess. With an unbreakable poker face. It's been perfected along with the art of cheating.

That's right. I cheat. I cheat in every game of cards that I play. It's the only reason that I win. So I guess I'm not so much good at cards as I am at cheating. I live to cheat. I cheat to live because cheating lets me get the money that I need to survive. That's depressing, isn't it? My purpose in life is to cheat. It's what I'm good at. I can't live a wholesome life because I'll always be a cheater at my core. When I cheat, I feel right. I guess that means that that's the real me, the cheater. The cheater who hides behind his mask and watches everyone else as they play.

It's been like that my whole life, I guess. I was always an outsider. I watched the children on the playground have fun and do everything that I couldn't. They all had friends and something that they wanted to do, and had something to be doing. I had nothing. I was alone and no one wanted me. I watched from the outside, as though there was a wall between me and the rest of the world. Because I kept myself apart, I was able to get through elementary school successfully. It's sort of like playing poker now. I hide behind my wall of a poker face, watch the other players make their mistakes, and successfully destroy them and take their money.

I cheat when they don't pay attention. And sleight of hand helps too. But all I do is cheat. Cheat and win, and then what am I left with. I can't have those feelings of satisfaction when I know that I cheated to win. It wasn't a fair match in the beginning, so I can't feel good about it.

I shouldn't have pride. I don't deserve to be proud of anything. I should just lose that stupid emotion. It's one of the seven deadly sins, isn't it? Greed, lust, gluttony, wrath, envy, sloth, and pride. I shouldn't have pride. Never. I need to get rid of it. And by getting rid of it, I become that much less human, because these seven sins exist in all humans. Without one, I am less human, or at least less than before. I don't know if I could call myself human at all.

I'm a freak. I've got white hair, a long scar down my face, and a burnt arm. I have too many scars to count. I haven't been treated as a human since... When was the last time? I guess when I was with Mana. I don't remember most of my time with Mana very well. I was what, four or five when he died? I still miss him. People do not treat me like a human. They treat me like an animal or a monster, because that's what I am. I don't look like a human, I don't act like a human, I've lost a part of my humanity when giving up pride, I can't be a human anymore. But then what am I? Everyone is something. If I'm not human, I must be a monster, a freak. That's what I've heard from probably over ninety percent of the people I've ever spoken to. If that many people tell me that I'm a freak and a monster, I guess I am. And I can't really deny it. That many versus one, plus the evidence of my appearance and personality, the many must be correct.

I am a monster. I shouldn't exist. All I do is hurt people. I cheat people out of money that they earned, I hurt the feelings of people who try to be nice to me, I have hurt people physically, I can't bring myself to be nice to anyone, even if I try, I don't know why I'm still here.

Maybe I should just die.

Did I just think that? I guess I did. I can't really stop my thoughts. They just come and come and come and they never stop. I wish they would stop right now, but they won't. They're hurting me. They're telling me to die. I'm not suicidal, I'm trying to be normal, to blend in. Normal people don't think like this, they can't. If they did, the human race would die out. But that's right, I'm not human. So I guess it's normal for a freak monster to think things like this. It's not like anyone wants them around anyways, so we should all die. It would benefit society. If I took my own life, I wouldn't have to dirty anyone else's hands either. It's a win-win for both the world and me.

But I can't do that. I'm not supposed to want to die, am I? Aren't all living creatures supposed to have some sort of survival instinct? Or is that just for physical stimuli? I'm not sure. Either way, I don't think I'm supposed to think like that.

But I can't help it! My head hurts too much. It's like it wants to just blow up. Maybe it should, then that painful pressure would be gone. That would be nice. I can almost imagine what it would be like to be feeling nothing. No pain or pleasure or anything. Just nothing. I think I might like that. That's probably what it would feel like to be dead. Nothing. That might be nice. Then life wouldn't hurt anymore.

But I can't do that. I can't kill myself. Not yet anyways. Maybe things can get better? I doubt it, but I can't wait a little while. I can wait until my next birthday. Live at least until I'm fifteen. That's a nice number. Fifteen. Humans like multiples of five. If things don't get better by then, I can off myself. Just wait until then. It's only six more months until freedom from this life. It won't be too bad. And I won't even have to finish my grade ten summatives. Another plus. Why didn't I think of this before I had something stopping me from doing this? I guess I'm just that much of an idiot. Cross was right, I am an idiot pupil. I can't learn, and I can't do anything right. I'm sure if he heard me right now, he'd encourage what I'm thinking of doing. He doesn't need me to pay his bills when he's good enough at running away. And he can always find another orphan to do this work if he gets lazy. I'm replaceable, expendable. I don't matter. I never did, and for some reason I'm still around, using someone else's resources and spending some else's money. I don't deserve to be here. But I don't have much of a choice.

Well, I do have a choice, but I'm going to wait. Let's see what happens. Just because this past school year was free of bullying doesn't mean that next year will be. I can't know for sure until next year starts. And when next year ends, so will I. It's not a lot of time, but it's also far too long.

With that, Allen got up and started unpacking his things. He put his clothes in the hamper, his sleep clothes on his bed, ready for later, and picked up Timcampy. He looked at the alarm clock on his beside table. It read 6:30pm. That means dinner time. He brought Tim to the kitchen with him so that he could prepare his meal for the evening. By the time he'd finished cooking and eating, it was a little after 7pm. That meant he still had a few hours before bed. And he needed to kill time. That was the worst, killing time. When Allen killed time, his thoughts usually ended up wandering. When his thoughts wandered, he ended up like he was just before dinner. Not a good place to be. He didn't want to depress himself even more.

So Allen started cleaning the house. First vacuuming and washing the floors. Next came dusting. Then the dishes that he had forgotten to do after dinner. All the time that he was cleaning, he carried Tim with him, and put him on a table, facing towards him, when he needed both of his hands for the work. After giving the house a good cleaning, Allen felt dirty from the grime of the house. Shower time. He took Tim and put him on the side of the sink while he cleaned himself. Afterwards, he changed the bandages on his arms and hand. It was tough and took a while, but Allen needed to kill time anyways.

It was late enough after his shower that he decided that he could go to sleep. Allen laid down in his bed and rested his head on the pillow. He took Timcampy again and started cuddling him like the desperately needed to be held himself. He almost wished that Krory hadn't hugged him so nicely before. He missed the warm touch of his friend, and now felt a small craving for physical closeness. All the had was Tim, and while Tim was a great friend, he couldn't provide the same comfort. Allen wished that life wasn't so cruel as to design the brain in a way that kind physical contact was necessary for a happy mind. Life sucked that way.

Why did Krory have to try to comfort me? I would've gotten over it eventually. I mean, I'd have to. One can't cry forever, right? I'm pretty sure that that's not possible. We would dehydrate ourselves. And I've read somewhere some facts about crying. I think it was that people tend to cry longer when they're crying happy tears than when they're crying sad tears. I don't know how true that is. I don't have proof, as I've never cried tears in happiness.

But that means that it wouldn't have been long before I just stopped on my own. I didn't need help. I didn't need comfort. And now I've got the awful feeling of emotional withdrawl from that. I guess emotional withdrawl is equivalent to loneliness. And loneliness hurts really badly. It hurts worse than anything else. Even when Cross, wherever the hell he is right now, beat me, the loneliness afterwards hurt twice as bad. The empty feeling when you know that no one's coming, it leaves a hole in your heart and then it bleeds into you. The pain spreads from your heart to your whole chest, and then it's hard to breath. It's like your own heart and lifeblood are going to strangle you, choke the life out of your system. I guess that's more proof that I shouldn't be here. My body agrees with my brain.

Why the hell am I waiting so long? I shouldn't. I should just do it. But I haven't experienced it all yet. I need to wait. I need to keep walking. At least for now. It's my last name, after all. Just six more months, then it's all over. About 180 days. It's not as bad as it seems. I'll do it. I have to. I'll promise myself. Stay alive at least until I'm fifteen, I promise. I don't break promises. Ever. I never have, and I never will. If there's one thing that I am in this world, besides a freak monster and a cheat, I'm a promise keeper. That's the only way to guarantee that I'll do something. Make me promise. But no one knows that, and maybe no one ever will. If they knew, then they could control me. And I just need to be careful about what I promise. Can't promise something stupid, that I'm not going to want to keep forever. I'd better not.

Allen's heart cramped tightly, forcing him to let out all the air that he'd just put into his lungs. It really hurt.

Damn it! I hate this! I hate this feeling! It's so stupid! Why can't I just rip out my heart. Howl was right, a heart is heavy. It's much heavier than I want to bear. Getting rid of it is a good idea. Just carve it out. But this is reality, not an anime movie. That would kill me. I can't carve out my heart. But I can dream, can't I? Nothing wrong with dreaming and wishing. I just can't actually do it. Maybe that will calm the torrent of negative emotions running around my brain. I think negative, and it lets out some of the pressure, slowing the racing thoughts. Maybe it'll work. It seems to be working alright right now. Either way, I need a better solution than that. There will be times when I don't have the time to think them out. Maybe if I can just kill off my emotions? That would solve all of these problems. Just not feeling anything. It's a perfect solution, and it's something I can work towards this summer. It will take a lot of work, as emotions are pre-programmed into our brains. They aren't something that will be destroyed and discarded easily. But that's what the next two months are for. It's not like I'll have anything else to do. I'll be at Krory's once in a while, and once a month or so I'll need to get more money. The rest of the time is free, and can be used to get rid of these unnecessary things.

It'll be nice, not feeling anything. Then I can be dead and alive at the same time. The living dead, a zombie. That would explain my freakish appearance, if I was a zombie. Maybe I'm just a screwed up zombie. Maybe I died a longtime ago, but my brain didn't understand and kept this body walking around, even though it'd already died. It would be convenient if that excuse were possible. Then this might not be totally my fault if it was something that I couldn't control. But it is my fault. I can control my emotions, and if I can control them, I can kill them. Emotions are a part of life, and if they're a part of life, then surely they work the same way as life. The one in control can do whatever the hell that they want. The one who is being controlled is completely at the mercy of the dominant one, and if the dominant being decides that the lesser should die, then the lesser will obey or be killed. I will beat my emotions. I control them, not the other way around. I need to be on top for once, and I can't lose against a part of me, not when I'm the whole me. Or at least I think I'm the whole me. I don't really know anymore.

Stupid emotions. Right now tackling me with depression as well as loneliness, just to try to break me. It won't work. I will break you, and you will die. I will kill you and then I don't have to feel. And if I'm only killing a part of myself, I'm not really killing myself, so my promise is safe. Part of me will still be alive. All the parts that I don't need can just die. That's as close as I can get to not actually being here, I suppose. And then I can just use my poker face mask to fool people into thinking that I'm still the same. No one will notice anything different and my facade will be flawless. Perfect.

To make it even stronger, I'll still have that invisible barrier between me and the rest of the world. The one that I built back in elementary school to keep everyone out. The one that protected me from trusting, from being betrayed, and from being hurt. No one will get close enough to notice in the first place. Except Krory, but I can manage to fool one person, right? Just one silly human. It won't be too hard. Humans are naive and stupid creatures. They believe whatever they want and bias everything towards that. It'll be easy, so long as I don't give Krory a reason to think anything like last night. And I can do that. If I don't feel anything, my thoughts won't build up, and yesterday afternoon and last night won't need to ever happen again.

Now that that plan is set, I think I should probably sleep now. I bet Timcampy's tired. I'm sort of sleepy myself, I guess from all that running around today. And all of the mental effort, thinking about this. I'm exhausted. I can think more tomorrow. Until then, just black. Blank everything and just see the black of your eyelids in the dark. Soon enough, sleep will come. Sleep will come.

"Good night, Timcampy." said Allen softly as he closed his eyes and drifted off into a dreamless slumber. He didn't move all night. If not for he slow, short breaths, he could have easily passed for dead.

* * *

**A/N**: So I got in one more before I leave for a few days. Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you think.

Until next time

-Shippo704


	12. Number Two?

**A/N**: Sorry it's been so long. Hope you didn't miss this too much. Anyways, I'm back from where I went. Hope you enjoy!

**Warning**: Language, angst, the usual.

* * *

**Number Two?**

* * *

_September 2008_

The summer passed by fairly uneventfully. Krory held parties for two, Allen gambled once a month or so, and Allen didn't do anything else to himself. Allen did his last money trip a week before school started again so that he'd have some time to get into classes without having to worry about financial stuff.

The morning of the first day of school, Allen checked his arms. They had healed up, and they were no longer red like they were a couple of months ago. He mentally cursed himself every time he looked at them. He felt like an idiot for what he did back then, but not about what he did. He didn't think there was anything wrong with slicing his arms open at all. What he felt like an idiot about was that he hadn't been paying enough attention while he was doing it. He sliced too deep and now both of his arms had thin, pale scars on them, just below the elbow. Luckily enough, he always wore long sleeves, due to his burnt right arm, so no one will be suspicious. Just because no one will be suspicious, doesn't mean that Allen won't be paranoid.

His anxiety went up as he rolled his sleeves back over his arms. He stared at his sleeves for another minute afterwards, just glaring at them, as if burning his arms with his anger at his own stupidity. He looked up, then walked towards Timcampy. He hugged the golden golem tightly and stood there for another few minutes. He was anxious and scared, but he knew he had to go to school. He put Timcampy back down on the bed and left his room. Allen picked up his backpack, took his wallet from the counter, and he walked out the door. He locked up the house, then made his way to the bus stop.

* * *

Since he was no longer a ninth grader, he got to pick his locker this year. Knowing the layout of the school and his habits during the school day, he picked a place that he thought to be the best spot. His new locker was number 035, located in the Science wing. This way, he could always go back to his locker between classes is he needed to. After looking at his schedule for first semester, he smiled. It was a pretty good set. He had Programming, Civics, Gym, and Math. Three easy classes and one academic subject. School shouldn't be too bad, at least for the first four months and a half.

This was going to be a good year. He told himself that, and he believed that he just needed to keep thinking that. If he thought about it, if he believed it, it would happen. The power of the mind and all, at least that was Allen's train of thought. Would it work? Well, he had yet to find out.

It's going to be a good year. Things will be better, I will be good, and everything will be fine. Everything will be perfect. I will have a good year and things will be good and nothing will go wrong. Nothing. I will be fine and this year will be different than before. After all, I don't have Cross around anymore. I didn't have him around most of last year, but this year I won't have him around at all. He won't wreck the beginning, and I'm not afraid of him coming back. He's been gone long enough that I don't think he's ever going to return. I hope he doesn't. I hope that bastard just goes and dies somewhere. If I believed in God, I'd pray to never see him again. But that's not something I should be thinking about. This is school, and it will be good. It will be. It has to be.

"Hey Allen!" said Krory with a large smile on his face, "How's it going? Are you ready for school today? It's going to be great, isn't it? Grade ten already, wow! What's your schedule like?"

"Too many questions Krory." said Allen. "I can only answer one at a time."

"Oops, sorry." Krory apologized.

"It's alright, don't worry about it. Everything is going fine. I am ready for school. I'm a little nervous, but it is the first day and all. I'm sure it will be great. Yes, grade ten. Ten is the number after nine. Next will be grade eleven, then grade twelve. My schedule is Programming, Civics, Gym, and Math. What's yours like?"

"This is going to be great!" Krory exclaimed.

"Whoa, calm down. What's up? Just answer my question. It's not that big a deal, just a simple, easy question." Allen said, suddenly more nervous, this time of his friend instead of school and everything else.

"I'm just really happy! You and me are in three of the same classes together! Programming, Civics, and Math. This is going to be the best year ever! I have my best friend in three classes with me, and it's not going to be lonely and it'll be lots of fun because it'll be me and you together Allen! That's why I'm so happy!" Krory said as he jumped around Allen, "And my locker is right next to yours. Number 036, see?"

"Yes Krory, I see it. You don't need to be jumping around everywhere just because we have our lockers beside each other again. We got to pick lockers this year, remember? It's not like it's random chance or a surprise." Allen said calmly and politely, trying to calm Krory down.

"It's still really exciting!" insisted Krory, although slightly calmer now. Allen's calmness was rubbing off.

"That's great Krory, but you really need to calm down now. It's almost time for class and you can't get too spastic in front of the teacher. It might leave a bad impression." Allen said

"Oh yeah, I guess you're right. I'll calm down now. Programming is first then. We should go to class then. Room 221, right? That should be right above the English wing. Lets go then." Krory said, instantly calm. Allen was a little confused by the sudden change in behaviour, but decided to go with it. Maybe he'd question Krory later.

"Oh, okay then. I guess that means we should go to class." said Allen. The two picked up what they needed and headed off to 211 for the first class of grade ten.

* * *

A couple of classes later, it was lunchtime. Allen's favourite time of day. He was so happy about lunch that should one walk by, one could almost hear _"Food, Glorious Food!" _coming from the boy. He had enough of a reputation in the cafeteria that most people would let him go ahead of them to order. Allen didn't mind waiting for other people in front of him, but other people didn't want to listen to his loud stomach.

After ordering enough food to feed five grown men, Allen turned to leave the cafeteria. He was stopped by a familiar voice calling his name.

"Hey Allen! Allen Walker!" said a high-pitched voice. Allen knew he recognized it, but he couldn't remember where he'd heard it before.

"Allen, where are you going? I'm talking to you! Don't you walk away from me, you hear me?" the voice called after him.

"Don't make me get my brother out here! He knows where you live and all!" The voice called, friendly threatening him.

"Don't tell me..." Allen trailed off. He turned around and saw a young girl with two dark green pigtails bouncing towards him.

"Don't tell me you forgot me Allen. It's only been a year. I told you that I'd be coming here and that we should eat lunch together sometime. Now I'm here, and I want to eat lunch with you, my friend, Allen Walker." she smiled.

"Le-Lenalee. I-I'm sorry. I did forget about that promise of a lunch date. You can come eat lunch with me if you want to. But I need to go meet my friend right now. He'll get worried if I'm too late." said Allen, smiling politely and trying to get away from this girl.

"That sounds good. I haven't found anyone to eat lunch with yet, so it would be nice if I could join you. And I'd love to meet your friend too." Lenalee said, smiling.

"Al-Alright then. Just come with me. We eat in the same place every day, in the stairwell at the end of the Science wing. You already know where that is, I guess. You did tell me my way around the first day last year." Allen said nervously. He hated the stutter that he got sometimes when he's nervous. Why was he so nervous around her? She seemed nice, but he couldn't calm down or make himself comfortable. There was no reason, he just felt scared around her. Maybe because she's someone that he doesn't know?

"Yep, I know my way there. All the same, it's nice to have you show me the way. You're such a gentleman Allen." Lenalee giggled, "and I'd like to meet your friend too. He must be a pretty good guy to be friends with you. You don't really strike me as the type that befriends people too easily. What's his name?" she asked.

"H-His name's Krory. You'll meet him in just a minute." Allen said. The two walked in silence the rest of the way to the stairwell.

"Allen! Where were you? It took longer than normal today! Were the lines long? What happened? Oh, and what did you think about that stuff in Civics today? It was so boring, wasn't it? Oh wait, who's this?" Krory asked, finally noticing Lenalee. His face turned bright red, noticing that he'd realized that she was there a little too late. He was embarrassed about his enthusiasm as well. He didn't usually show it to people he didn't know. He was a bit self-conscious about it.

Lenalee giggled and smiled at him, "I'm Lenalee, it's nice to meet you Krory. I'm in ninth grade this year. I assume you're in tenth grade with Allen?"

"Y-Yes." Krory said nervously. He wasn't terribly used to girls, "It's nice to meet you too."

"Oh, don't be so shy. We'll all be good friends!" Lenalee said.

"R-Really?" Krory looked up hopefully, "You mean that?"

"Yes, of course! Allen and I are friends already. If Allen will be your friend, then I bet just about anyone would be. He doesn't seem like much of a people person to me." Lenalee said to Krory.

"Hey, I'm still here you know. I can hear what you're saying." Allen said, mildly annoyed.

"Yes, I know you're still there. But you weren't contributing, so I decided to try to get to know Krory." said Lenalee.

"Fine then. You two enjoy." said Allen, using his mask smile. He inhaled his food and began studying for his two previous classes. Gym and Math didn't really require much preparation, so he figured his time would be better spent learning what he could for his other classes. Allen ignored the other two as they chatted for the rest of the lunch period. The two noticed Allen ignoring them, but decided to let that subject alone for the time being. Krory knew Allen and Lenalee was perceptive. They both understood that Allen didn't really like people and that he seemed to like to keep to himself. They could both pester him later.

* * *

The final two classes went by normally. Gym was gym, Allen had his seemingly inhuman stamina, and his strength that looked like it belonged to someone much larger than himself. Despite knowing this, most of the class still doubted him and picked him out as one of the weaker ones due to his scrawny appearance. That was their mistake. Math was math, introduction to the grade ten curriculum. He was looking forward to working with parabolas and multiple equations at once. Trigonometry also looked a little interesting. He would find out when he got there.

At the end of the day, he met up with Krory and Lenalee again.

"Hello Allen!" said Lenalee, "Did your last two classes go well?"

"Yes. They were fine. How was your first day of high school?" Allen asked politely

"It was great. It was much better than elementary school. Life just seems to get better and better as it goes on, doesn't it? And I get to see my brother here every day if I want to and I don't have to wait for him to get home. It's wonderful!" she said, very happily.

"That's great." said Allen, "But I have to go catch my bus now."

"You're leaving already Allen? We've hardly said a few sentences to each other all day! Don't leave just yet, stay two minutes longer." Krory complained

"No, I have to go. I need to get home to take care of homework and a couple of other things." said Allen, turning to leave once again.

"But you don't have homework today. You've got only one academic subject and it's the first day of school. What could you possibly have?" Krory asked

"I just have things to do. I have to leave." Allen said, keeping the smile on his face, but he couldn't keep some of his anger and annoyance out of his voice. He didn't notice that it had leaked in, and walked quickly away from the two people in front of his locker.

* * *

"I'm a little worried about Allen. He seemed really on-edge today." said Lenalee with some concern

"I know what you mean." replied Krory

"When I meet him last year, I noticed that he was nervous around me, no matter what he did, or thought was working, I could still tell. For some reason, he doesn't seem to like people very much. I hope that I didn't bother him today by hanging out with you two at lunch. I just wanted to make friends because he seemed so lonely." Lenalee explained, sadness thick in her voice.

"I understand what you mean. We've been friends since last Christmas. It took a long time to get him to trust me. I don't know if he really trusts me yet. I know that he doesn't like people. It's obvious, even to someone like me. I am a little concerned for him, but there isn't too much that either of us can do." said Krory

"I know. I wish that he could trust someone. My brother has even offered to talk to him if he wanted to. More than once. But he just seems to want to be alone all the time. I'm worried for him, especially knowing that. I think my brother has figured out more than he tells me, but he wants Allen to come to him about it. I don't know what's going on with him, but I hope he can learn to trust at least one person eventually." said Lenalee.

"I agree. I want to help him, but I can't see how that's going to happen. Whatever it is, it runs deep in him. Or maybe it's just his personality. Maybe he's just naturally really shy." said Krory

"I hope that that's the case. I suspect that it's probably something really bad, but I don't know how we can help him." said Lenalee

"Well, we've got another three years or so. We can see what we can do. But I have to get home now. I have to take care of my plants. I'll see you tomorrow Lenalee. It was nice meeting you. I'm glad to have another friend." Krory smiled. He turned to walk away and catch his bus before it leaves.

"Goodbye Krory. I'm glad to have met you too. See you tomorrow!" said Lenalee, smiling sadly, but Krory had turned his head and didn't see it. He also didn't see the small tear that trickled from the corner or her eye as she turned to go find her brother.

* * *

When Allen got home, he began to prepare dinner. He didn't want to think about the day, or anything. He wanted something mindless to do, something that didn't require too much concentration to actually be considered work, but enough concentration that he didn't have to think about anything else. He figured cooking would do the trick. He had to eat anyways, and eat a lot, so why not start a little earlier? That was his reasoning.

A little over an hour later, the food was done. It smelled delicious, but he found that he just couldn't bring himself to eat it. He was hungry, he knew that, he was always hungry, but he wasn't at the same time. He couldn't eat the food because he felt like he just couldn't take it in. It was a weird feeling, but he couldn't really do much about it. Maybe if he waited a little bit, his appetite would return. He hoped so, because the food looked really good. Leftovers tasted just fine anyways. He'd live.

I don't know. This is what all of this is about. It's that I don't know. Things were much simpler back when all that I had to worry about was keeping out of everyone's way and just doing what they wanted. They told me exactly what was expected and I could meet those expectations without too much difficulty. It was easy back then. I could do it. I knew what to do. I knew about it all, and I knew. But now I don't know. There isn't anything familiar in any of these situations. Nothing at all. People talk to me, people ask to be my friend, people are nice to me. It doesn't make sense!

I hate this! I don't know what to do any more. It was easier when people hated me on sight. I know how to deal with that. It's what I've been doing for the last, I don't know, seven or so fucking years? Something like that. I know how to deal with that. But I don't know what to do about this. I don't need another friend. One is enough. One is more than I can deal with already because I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be a friend back. I don't know how I'm supposed to act towards someone who calls himself a friend of mine. I haven't had any before, and I don't know what to do. This is just too much pressure.

And now I'm supposed to have another one? I can't have her as a friend. For one thing, she's a girl. I don't know what to do about girls! Girls are around to gossip behind your back and giggle evilly and make you feel isolated. That's what girls do. I don't like them any more than I like boys, but boys are more upfront, so their easier to handle. I don't know what to do! Why can't life just be simple? I hate this! Nothing makes sense anymore, if it ever did in the first place. Why can't the world just make sense, or let me die. Either way, it's okay.

Yeah, dying doesn't sound too bad anymore. Maybe I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it. It doesn't sound like such a bad idea, just something I wouldn't do myself. That's more work than it's worth, but if it's going to happen, it's okay. I don't think I'd mind dying, but I'm not going to off myself. I don't think I could if I tried.

But what I want to know right now is why I don't understand anything! I'm supposed to be smart. I'm supposed to be a good, smart kid who understands anything and everything. That's why I'm at Black Order High School, the smart school. This doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just want to live like a normal person, but I don't think I can do that anymore. I can't do that when I'm afraid of the world, when everyone hates me, when I look like such a freak. I must be some sort of monster. Maybe I should just kill myself and be done with it.

But I don't think I can. All I can do is wait it out. I don't have the guts to do it myself. I guess I am just that much of a failure. If I tried to kill myself, I'd probably fail at that too, just like I fail at everything else. I fail at life. I can't even live properly. I'm just going to end up getting old, living alone and miserable, then dying alone and miserable. All I am is a lonely, miserable, pathetic, failure of a retarded monster freak. I really should just die, but I can't do that. I just can't. I almost wish that I could, but I can't. I guess I'm just that much of a coward.

Allen slowly walked upstairs to his room. He felt very depressed and had no energy left. He closed the door and trudged over to his bed, where he picked up Timcampy. He turned Tim so that Tim's cross faced Allen's face, almost like they were looking into each others eyes.

"He Tim. I don't know what to do right now. I'm afraid of everything and I want to die. I want to die but at the same time, I don't. I don't want to live at all. I don't know why, but I don't. But I can't kill myself. I don't have the guts to do that. I'm not sure about this at all, but maybe I sort of wish I did. It would be much easier if I could do it. I wouldn't have to live anymore and I wouldn't have to feel anything. It hurts too much to be alive. I hate this. But I made myself a promise that I would stay alive until my birthday, until I'm fifteen. I sort of wish I wasn't that stupid, but I guess from an outside point of view, that was a good thing to do.

"To most people, preserving human life is good, and one of the best things that one can do. Most people don't believe in suicide, think that it's a terrible thing, or that it's an unforgivable sin. I don't think it's any of those things. I think that one's own life is one's own decision. It's something owned by the one that is living it and that no one else should have any say in it. I think that if someone wants to throw away their life, they should be allowed to. It shouldn't be held against the one who wants to die, but the one is usually blamed for what they do, and while it is their fault that they want to die, other people telling them that they're wrong about everything is only going to make that person feel worse. Especially if another interferes.

"Suicide versus living, it should be up to whoever is making the decision. That's what I think. But what I think doesn't seem to matter most, if any of the time. Even if what I think doesn't matter, maybe it only has to matter to me. No, that's wrong. The opinions of everyone else are more important, at least, that's what I've learned over the years." Allen sighed, "I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. After all, real humans are worth more than someone like me.

"Someone like me should just die. There isn't anything else for a freak like me in this world. People out there would be better off without me. Krory wouldn't have me hanging on him all the time, Lenalee wouldn't have to pretend to be nice, and the two could be good friends. They could even gossip about how much they hate me. Others wouldn't have to see my face every time that I walk by. There would be an extra job out there for someone more deserving. There would be one person's salary more to give around. There would be much more food, and one less person wasting space and resources. I don't need to be around."

Allen sighed again and cuddled Timcampy. He put in a half-hearted attempt to shake these thoughts, even shaking his head to get them out, but it didn't help. He marched himself to the shower and washed himself. He tried to make himself clean, but felt like he failed. It didn't matter, be still felt like a dirty person, even after the water began to run cold. He dried himself off and dragged himself back to his room. He felt tired, even though it was only just after seven.

He picked up his sheets and climbed into his bed. Allen patted his pillow, scooched himself down the bed, and huddled up under the blankets. He got himself warm and pulled Timcampy closer to himself.

"I just don't want to live. Maybe I don't really want to die, but I really don't want to live." Allen whispered.

With that, Allen closed his eyes and drifted off into a deep slumber, devoid of dreams.

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you liked it. Let me know what you think!

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	13. Let Me Help You?

**A/N**: Back to updating twice a week-ish. Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy it!

**Warning**: Language, some blood, mentions of suicide, FLUFF! Followed by the rest of the story.

* * *

**Let Me Help You?**

* * *

_September 2008_

Today will be better. It has to be. Things must get better. The only way to go from here is up, right? Right. That means that today has to be better than every other day. The only way to go is up when you're looking from the bottom of a black hole. Looking up, I'll see the light that is the rest of the world, and the rest of life. Right? I've got to be right about this. Otherwise there isn't any point in living any longer.

Things will get better. They have to.

* * *

Allen went to school, he went to class, he kept up his grades, he smiled politely to passers by, and he did his best to keep his friends from noticing that there was anything abnormal about him. Of course, he knew that he was more antisocial than most people, but he figured that he could pass it off as shyness if he played it right.

Krory and Lenalee were concerned about him, but they didn't do more than subtly mention it to him in passing. Allen didn't catch these hints and answered through his mask, completely lying to them. He felt that he was doing a good job of keeping his two friends from noticing, but he was wrong. He at least felt some peace from believing this false information.

* * *

_October 2008_

"Good morning Allen!" said a high female voice from behind Allen's locker door.

"Hello Allen." said a male voice, over Allen's shoulder.

"Hello Lenalee, Krory." said Allen politely. He wasn't having a great start to the day, and he really didn't want to deal with his friends right now. Dealing with people would just add to his stress. He hoped that they'd leave him alone if he just smiled and tried to excuse himself.

"How's it been going recently? We haven't talked too much recently because of homework and stuff." asked Lenalee with a big smile on her face.

"Everything's fine Lenalee. And how have you two been?" asked Allen, still smiling politely.

"The homework in Math is just brutal! There are just so many equations to learn, and there are so many numbers. It gets confusing. And then brother keeps on trying to smother me with his 'brotherly affection.' It's really annoying. The only thing that really seems to calm his ravings are me bringing him coffee and him making those insane robots of his. I swear, one of these days one of his crazy robots is going to hurt someone. I break them as often as I can, but he just keeps making more, and faster than I can find and destroy them." Lenalee ranted, "I really wish I knew what to do with him. Maybe you could help me talk some sense into him sometime?"

"Maybe. And how about you Krory?" asked Allen, still trying to be polite. Listening to them, he could deal with that for a little bit.

"It's been okay, I suppose. The castle is still lonely, but my plants are doing very well. My favourite flower has grown big, and it's become very affectionate towards me. I don't know what I'd do without her. She loves me like no one else does... Wait, that sounds kind of stupid." Krory blushed in embarrassment, then went even more red as he realized that he'd been calling his plant 'she,' "I-I-It's not what you think. A plant is a living being and therefore has a gender. Since she's pink and affectionate, I felt like she was a girl."

Lenalee giggled, "Oh Krory, don't worry about that. We're all friends here. And it's not stupid to call a plant a 'she,' and there's no shame in taking comfort in someone else's presence either, even if it's a plant." Lenalee smiled and wrapped an arm around Krory's shoulder, "Am I right?"

"Yes, I suppose you are." Krory said, still blushing a little bit. "But homework hasn't been too bad yet. But this semester is pretty easy too."

"That's good to hear. But class is going to start soon. We don't want to be late now! I'll see you two at lunch, and have a good morning!" said Lenalee happily as she walked towards her first period.

"I guess that means we should get going to, huh Allen?" asked Krory

"Yes, I suppose so. Let's get to class." said Allen. Krory noticed the stiff way that Allen was talking and decided that Allen was probably worried about something. HE wouldn't push it, but he would keep an eye on his friend.

* * *

"Lunch time!" exclaimed Krory as he raced excitedly to the stairwell with his bagged lunch. He is almost as excitable as Allen is when it comes to food.

Allen didn't chase after him too quickly. He felt like he needed this small amount of alone time before following his friend. It was a short breather, but he felt that it helped a lot. He calmed down a little before heading to the stairwell. He figured he hadn't been too long, so Krory would assume that he had gone to buy lunch. The only problem? He didn't buy a lunch. He didn't have any food. Shit. Of all the times to not be hungry, it had to be a time where he needed to lie. Damn it! He just hoped that this wouldn't get too ugly.

"Hello Allen. Buying lunch again? You're gonna go broke like that you know." Krory said to Allen, then he took a better look at the boy, "Wait, if you bought food then where is it?"

"Um... I wasn't too hungry today, so I bought a small one and ate it on the way here." Allen lied. He couldn't let them think that he wasn't eating at all. Especially not Lenalee. She worries too much about anyone that she considers a friend, almost like her world would end if something happened to one of them.

"Allen, you alright?" asked Lenalee, "You looked a little nervous and I just wanted to make sure that you're okay. And you haven't been eating as much as normal."

"Yeah, I'm fine Lenalee. I'm not nervous at all. Maybe it's just the stress of school making me tired. I'm totally fine. Don't worry about it." Allen brushed it off, "Nothing a little sleep won't fix tonight."

"If you're sure then." said Lenalee, not totally convinced, but unable to do anything about it at the moment. "Hey, I met someone new today, and I really want you two to meet her. Not today, because she's a little scared to meet people, but sometime soon when I can convince her to come. What do you two think? She's really nice, just a little bit clumsy sometimes."

"I think it's a good idea Lenalee. The more friends the better! And maybe I can invite her to my Halloween party too! The more friends the better." said Krory, very happy at the thought of making a new friend.

"Well, she may not do too well if there is anything scary, she's a bit jumpy, but I can certainly ask her about it. What do you think Allen, do you want to meet a new friend?" asked Lenalee

"Sure. Anything's fine with me." Allen smiled politely.

"Then it's settled. Soon you two will get to meet Miranda!" exclaimed Lenalee.

Miranda? Why does that name cause a pang in my chest. It couldn't possibly be the same Miranda I used to know. No way. From what Lenalee said, maybe it's the same person, but no one from my elementary school ever goes to Black Order. No one's smart enough. But I was an exception, and so was Miranda... No. It couldn't possibly be the same person. There's no way. That's right. There's no way. So everything will be fine. I'll just have to smile and be polite. Nothing more, nothing less. Like everyone else, she will just accept my act and believe that we're friends, we won't get close, and nothing will go wrong. That's the plan. It's settled. Everything will be okay.

With that little bit of self-reassurance, Allen calmed himself down quickly. He didn't let the brief panic show on his face. Lenalee and Krory didn't notice a thing. The two kept talking about innocent things as Allen watched and pretended to listen. He offered a nod or a smile where it seemed appropriate, but didn't really tune in to the conversation. He just stared somewhere in between the two other teenagers and got lost in his thoughts. His thoughts circled around and around but didn't really go anywhere. He didn't think anything bad, nor did he think anything good. He just thought about what was going to happen with the new addition to their group when she joined up with them. At least they wouldn't have to worry about Komui eventually coming after them, with more than one girl in the group.

The bell rang soon enough, and the three had to head off to their separate classes. Allen just got up and left, still lost in his mind. He forgot to say goodbye to Lenalee and Krory, something that didn't go unnoticed by the two. They didn't say anything. They just let Allen walk away, because they knew something was clearly bothering him and that he didn't want to share it. At least not yet. They hoped he would at some point, because keeping it inside can get awfully lonely and painful.

* * *

Gym and Math went by like nothing for Allen. He was grateful for gym because it was the class that Krory wasn't in, and exercise usually helped him to sort out his thoughts, at least a little bit. The endorphins released made him feel a little better, and the class was fairly mindless. It was mostly laps and running exercises; it was Track and Field season. Math was simple enough, introduction to quadratics. They weren't into anything complicated yet, so it was mostly mindless and repetitive work. There was luckily enough work to keep the class occupied for the rest of the period, and that included himself and Krory. There was no chatter amongst them that period.

After class, Allen went to his locker, grabbed his bag quickly, and hurried off to the bus. He really didn't want to talk to Krory or run into Lenalee. He couldn't handle that right now.

There wasn't a good reason for Allen to feel so nervous or so bad today, it just happened. It's the same as every other bad thing that has happened in his life, for no good reason, it seemed. He wished he knew why he had felt this way so that he could do something about it, maybe try to fix it, but that was just a hope. In real life, things just weren't that convenient.

He got home and made dinner. It wasn't anything special, just some leftovers. He hadn't been very hungry for the past week or so, so he hadn't finished a whole bunch of the food he'd made. That meant lots of leftovers. He forced himself to eat now, even though the thought of food made him feel sick, because he knew that starving himself was bad, especially with his metabolism. He wasn't anorexic and never planned, or wanted, to be. He'd just lost his appetite.

Besides the fact of starving oneself being bad, he couldn't stand the thought of either of his friends noticing. Especially Lenalee. If Krory noticed, he'd probably be sad and try to help. Allen didn't really understand why Krory would want to help someone like him, but he went with it anyways. He really didn't want Lenalee to notice because she'd get tears in her eyes, hug him tightly, call him a stupid idiot, and maybe slap his face once, lightly. He understood the slap part, since she would be upset with him for some reason, but he didn't understand the rest of it. Hugging and crying because of him? It didn't make sense, but he couldn't let that happen anyways, sense or no sense. There's no way he'd ever make Lenalee cry. For her sake as well as his own. If he made her cry somehow, Komui would sic a robot on him and have it slice open his stomach and slowly pull out his intestines, chopping them into pieces every few inches. It sounded like a wholly unpleasant way to die.

This not eating thing was something he had to fix quickly, before anyone noticed. He really didn't want to face the outcome of anyone finding out.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

The phone was ringing. It startled Allen enough that he almost fell out of his chair. He must have been very deep in thought.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

Allen picked up the phone, "Hello, residence of Marian Cross and Allen Walker, Allen speaking."

"Allen? Hi! No need to sound so formal on the phone." Yes there was, Allen thought, "I was just calling to ask if you wanted to come over to my place this evening. I have some hard homework that I just can't seem to get. I wanted you to help me since you got really good marks last year. You won't have to worry about my brother. Please come over?" asked a slightly desperate sounding Lenalee.

"As long as you're sure that I don't have to worry about Komui. I can be there in half an hour or so, I just need finish putting dinner away. Does that work for you?" asked Allen

"Oh, I got you in the middle of dinner! I'm so sorry. Be over whenever you want. Don't feel rushed on my behalf." said Lenalee, worried that she'd done something terribly rude.

"Don't worry about it Lenalee, I had just finished. I'll be there in half an hour. See you soon." Allen said

"Okay, see you then. Bye" said Lenalee, and they both hung up the phones. Allen's breathing suddenly increased.

"I can't believe I agreed to this. Today already sucks enough and now I have to see Lenalee. I'm never going to calm down tonight. This is terrible. What am I going to do? I can't calm down at all, this is too scary. And I've only got ten minutes before I need to leave. She's just a twenty minute walk away. What's wrong with me? Why am I such an idiot? Why do I keep doing these things to myself? Grah! Why do I have to put stupid other people's needs above my own. I need to calm down and sleep and eat and do all these other stupid things necessary for humans to get through an ordinary day without thinking and I agreed to help her with stupid homework because I just can't leave her when she's upset and in trouble! I hate this! I really need to sort out my priorities. Damn. But I guess other peoples problems are more important than mine, after all, they're people, I'm not. Humans above all, right? Monsters and freaks and any combination thereof fall below humans. Okay. I get it. I did the right thing." Allen said to himself, his breathing calming a little bit by the end of his rant to himself, "Alright, I can do this. Step one was deciding the right thing, step two is following through. I've got to do this. It will all be fine because it's the right thing, and doing the right thing and being good will keep me from punishment. Perfect. I got it."

Then Allen had a sudden impulse. He ran upstairs and grabbed Cross's penknife out of his pencil holder. He rolled up his pant leg and took three quick and clean slices. He didn't really feel it when the blade tore his skin apart, nor when the blood was trickling down his leg. He felt it a little, but it felt like hardly more pain than poking yourself with a pencil. It was kind of weird to see something that looks painful, but feel very little from it. Allen didn't question it, he just went to wrap it up before any blood got on the carpet.

With that taken care of, he rinsed the knife and put it away. He felt good enough to walk to Lenalee's house now, most of his earlier anxiety gone. He even grabbed a little bit of food on his way out the door.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Allen arrived at Lenalee's house. It wasn't too hard to find, as it was the only house on the street with broken robot parts at the foot of the driveway with the trash. Allen glanced nervously at the robot pieces and parts before walking up to the door and knocking. His legs throbbed a little from the earlier damage.

Lenalee answered very quickly, and with a smile of course, "Hey Allen! Thanks for coming. My brother's asleep and he won't wake up for anything, so you'll be safe. I won't tell him that you came over to see me while he was asleep, don't worry. But thanks very much for coming. Here, let's go to my room."

Allen tried to keep up with the information and the speed at which the girl was talking, "Sure, sounds good." he agreed without really catching what he was agreeing to, "Oh yeah, hello to you too."

Lenalee giggled, "You're so funny. Come on, this way." Lenalee led Allen upstairs to her bedroom and offered him a seat on the bed. She grabbed a notebook and sat down beside him.

"Wait, we're in your room." said Allen, "But if Komui sees us he's going to kill me!"

"I said you don't have to worry about him. He's asleep. I was going to ask him if it was okay to invite you over but I decided that I shouldn't wake him up. He doesn't get enough sleep as it is, and when he's asleep like he is now, very little can actually wake him up. Besides, it's not like we'll be doing anything more than sitting and talking, so he should be okay with it." explained Lenalee.

Allen was skeptical about Komui being okay with the two sitting and talking. In Lenalee's room. With the door shut. On her BED, no less. Just the two of them. TWO OPPOSITE GENDER TEENAGERS ON A FREAKING BED WITH THE FREAKING DOOR CLOSED! Allen couldn't imagine this ending well. He just decided to go with it. "Okay, if you say so. So what homework did you have?" he asked.

"Um... well... you see... I didn't really have homework. This notebook is a pretense. I just wanted to get you over here so that we could talk, without you getting worried." Lenalee said quickly, looking down and away from Allen's face.

Allen was shocked. He sat there for a few seconds, stunned. Then he calmly asked, "Why did you lie to me?"

"Because I didn't think you'd come over otherwise." Lenalee said, still not looking up at him.

"Well, you're probably right about that," Allen said honestly, with his mask smile, "But it's still not to nice to lie. Normally I wouldn't think you'd consider something like that. What's wrong Lenalee?"

"I-It's not what's wrong with me Allen," Lenalee said, fighting back her tears and trying not to sob in the middle of her sentence, "It's about what's wrong with you. You've been ignoring and avoiding Krory and me lately. I want to know what's wrong, because you're holding in something and you're not telling us. I don't want to see you hurting. And if either of has done something wrong, I want to know." tears started streaking down Lenalee's cheeks, "I want to know so that I can try to fix it. I don't want you to be sad or in pain."

The guilt was immediate. He'd made Lenalee cry. He felt like he was going to die. He had a weak impulse to go kill himself. He didn't know how, but there was still a small urge to go kill himself for his mistake.

"Lenalee, there's nothing wrong." Allen said, using his mask smile to try to convince her and make her feel more at ease. Then he felt a sudden sting on his cheek and heard a loud slapping noise. It took him a second to connect the two. He reached up to feel his cheek, and remained silent.

"Don't YOU lie to ME Allen Walker!" Lenalee said angrily, but not too loudly, after all, Komui was still sleeping, "I hate it when I see that smile. I know that it's fake. I can see through it. I don't want you to hide whenever it hurts. I can understand why you want to, but don't. You hurt yourself, you hurt Krory, you hurt me, you hurt everyone by keeping it in. You hurt yourself with the burden of the pain, but you hurt us by giving us the burden of being unable to help you when we can clearly see that you're not okay. Please tell me what's wrong. I want to help you. You don't have to shoulder this whole weight on your own. Why can't you trust me?" Lenalee said, openly crying now. She lightly punched his chest. "You idiot. You stupid stupid idiot."

Allen remained silent for a little while. He couldn't think of the right response to what she'd just said to him, and he was shocked that she'd noticed as much as she did. He thought he'd been doing a better job of hiding it. Well, he'd just have to fix that in the future. He waited for Lenalee to calm down some before doing what he'd come up with, and hoped was the right thing to do.

He walked across the room and brought her a Kleenex box and her mini trash bin. She took the box and used its contents for its intended purpose, then offered Allen a small and quiet thanks. Then he stretched his arm over her shoulder and slowly pulled her into a loose embrace. He really wasn't a fan of the physical contact, but she needed some support, and it was his fault that she felt this way after all. He figured he could put up with it.

"Lenalee, I do trust you," he half lied. He trusted her in the physical world, but he couldn't trust anyone in the emotional world; however, he did trust her more than anyone else in the world but Krory, "I just didn't think, that's all. There isn't much going on, I just didn't want to bother you with something that wasn't terribly important. You are an amazing person Lenalee. You care very much about your friends and are one of the most honest and kind people that I have ever had the pleasure to meet. You are wonderful and I thank you for caring, but you don't need to worry about it any more." Allen hoped that he'd get her to let go of the subject if he appealed to her feminine nature.

He knew that girls naturally think from the 'I' perspective about things, the relationship of everything else to oneself. while boys think from the relationship of oneself to everything else. It's not self-centered, just psychology, and the easiest way to tell a female's writing from a male's writing. Can't change what you can't help. He figured compliments would do a good job of distracting her.

It sort of worked. "Th-Thanks Allen. You're so nice to me. But you're wrong. Whatever is bothering you is important, otherwise it wouldn't be bugging you this much. I know. My brother says the same thing. He sometimes gets a reflective look in his eyes, and then a flash of pain when I snap him out of it. When I ask him what's wrong, he just smiles and pats my head and tells me that it's nothing important. I've heard him grumbling in his sleep, he had an angry and pained look, and I know that something really deep is upsetting him but he won't tell me. Now you're doing it too. I can't stand to see my friends hurting.

"I really want to protect my friends. They mean the world to me. Before, when I was little, I don't remember much, I don't remember my mom or my dad. I remember Komui saying that they died in a car crash after a romantic date. And then he changes the subject quickly, so I don't know what to think. Either way, I don't remember much, but what I do remember is having to leave friends behind. They were sad, and I found out recently that one of them had attempted suicide. Not because of me, it's been way too long for that, and I don't know why she did it, but it must have been terrible. She lost her will to live, and gained the will to die. I can't stand to see friends hurting, even if I don't really know them at all anymore. She lives a couple hours away and I haven't seen her since we were little kids. But my friends are my world. I don't know what I'd do if one were to disappear. I hate it when I can't do anything to help them. One friend disappearing forever would be like a piece of the world being destroyed. It would kill me. I can't stand to see my friends hurt. It's worse than knowing what's wrong, even if the burden if heavier than the sky. It's better to deal with that pain than the pain of losing a part of my world." Lenalee explained to Allen, sobbing, with tears flowing down her face like salty rivers.

He tightened his hug a little bit. "Shhh, Lenalee. It's going to be fine. I'm really sorry about your friend, but no one is going anywhere. You can help anyone, just set your mind to it. You can help your brother, you can help your friend, you can help anyone you care about. You are an amazing person and I don't doubt your kindness for s second. You say your friends are your world, so you just need to go out and save it if you think that a part of it is crumbling. You have that power, and I believe in you. You can do it." said Allen, as kindly and confidently as he could. He was so absorbed in helping Lenalee and listening to her that he had failed to notice that the bedroom door was open a crack and the eye looking through it.

"Thanks Allen, you're a great friend." Lenalee turned and hugged Allen back. He flinched a little at the first contact, but relaxed quickly. He couldn't be tense when he was trying to soothe her. "You're really great too, you know? That's why I wanted to help you. You're a big part of my world, and I don't want you to be hurting."

"I'm not that great, I'm just average, maybe not even. But I'm not hurting too bad, you don't have to worry. Everyone has their own small pains, and they're insignificant. I'm fine, Lenalee. Don't you trust me?" Allen asked

Lenalee noticed the way he talked about himself and just brushed off whatever he was keeping inside, but he was right. She needed to trust him, "Yes Allen, I trust you."

"Good. I'm glad. And I hope I helped you tonight, even if it's not with homework, like you told me."

"Yeah, you helped a bunch. I guess I just needed to talk to someone. Thanks. And it's getting a little bit late. Maybe you should go before brother wakes up."

"Haha, yeah, I think you're right about that one." Allen smiled kindly, using another part of his mask, "I should probably take off. And quickly. Who knows if his sister's tears aren't a trigger to wake him up. Well, like a bat out of hell, I'd better be gone before the Komui comes." he joked, "Thanks for calling me Lenalee, and for having me over. You don't have to lie next time, just ask. I'll be here."

"Thanks. I'll see you at school tomorrow." said Lenalee

"Yeah, I'll see you then." said Allen as he walked out of her room and shut the door. Lenalee looked tired, so he figured he'd show himself out. When he got down the stairs, he saw that last person he'd want to see in this situation, Komui, sitting on the couch and waving him to come over with a serious look on his face. Allen suddenly feared for his life.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything." Komui said quietly. He didn't have the evil sparkle in his eyes, nor his infamous evil scientist grin on his face. Allen decided he might live, so he sat down instead of bolting, "I'd like to talk to you and I don't want Lenalee to hear this. She thinks I'm still asleep."

"I thought you were too. When did you wake up?" Allen asked, keeping his volume to an absolute minimum. He had to go along with the crazy older brother, or else he may not leave with his head on his neck. He could think of any number of places that Komui could sew it back on after decapitating him, imagination taking over reason.

"I woke up when I heard Lenalee start crying. Even if it's silent, I, her older brother, can still hear her tears rub against her cheek. Then I heard her angrily say a boy's name, as though he were there and she were scolding him. I had to go check it out, and I overheard part of the conversation on the way there." Komui paused to let this sink in with Allen. He meant exactly what he was implying.

"So you heard what Lenalee was saying to me and decided to spy. Let me guess, you were concerned for your sister, and possibly very very slightly concerned for me, and you wanted to rip my head off right there, but you couldn't because you knew that she was finally getting help for something that you'd noticed a long time ago but had been unable to do anything about because you were a part of it and have your own reasons for hurting her how you are." Allen stated angrily, but still quietly. He agreed with Komui that Lenalee shouldn't be hearing this. He didn't know where it was going, but he didn't think he wanted Lenalee here. He hoped that she'd fallen asleep or something. Crying is exhausting, and she'd done quite a bit of it this evening.

"Uh..." Komui was speechless. Allen had nailed it, "Well, I didn't want to rip your head off."

"Oh great, because that's the important part of what I just said." said Allen sarcastically.

"And I was more than slightly concerned for you. I agree with Lenalee that you should talk to someone. Talk to her, or to your friend Krory, to anyone. I'm open too, if you'd like. That offer won't close. But you should talk about what is bugging you, or you will continue to hurt yourself and everyone else, just as Lenalee said."

"There's nothing to talk about because there isn't anything wrong." Allen said, automatically putting up his mask.

"If you insist, then I have no right to pry, but you can't lie your way out of it that easily. I don't believe what you just said, for the record," Komui said, "But do as you wish."

"Thank you, I will. And might I make a comment here?" Allen asked, smile still on his face, giving Komui his best innocent face.

"Yes, you're allowed to say whatever you'd like to Allen." said Komui, a little curious as to what Allen was about to say."

"Don't be a hypocrite." Allen's voice and stare went cold. His eyes were harsh and there was no trace of a smile ever being on his face. He glared at Komui, "Take your own advice, tell Lenalee, tell someone, tell me even, whatever works, but hell if I'm going to be able to do anything. Not that I won't try, but I doubt I can actually do anything. Obviously something is bugging you too. Probably something similar to something that's bothering me, which is why you keep asking me to talk to you, because you know. You should tell her because you're hurting her by not telling her, and if what she said about you in your sleep is true, and I don't doubt that it is if it's similar to one thing on my mind, then it's really bothering you too. I'd say tell her, since it's obviously somehow related to her if you haven't told her yet, but barring that, tell anyone else to at least ease your own conscience and get her to stop worrying so much. I'm not her brother, but I care for her too."

Komui was stunned speechless again.

"If you want me to listen to you, then practice what you preach. I have no reason to take what you say seriously if you don't do it yourself." said Allen, still glaring harshly at Komui.

"You are right about that. I guess I am a hypocrite, however, that doesn't mean that I'm not right. While I'm still a hypocrite, it means that I don't really have any grounds to tell you to do that, but I'm still correct. You do need to talk to someone. Just from your body language, I can tell that much." Komui said.

Allen was sitting as far away from Komui as possible, arms crossed in front of his body, muscles tense. He put on whatever face he needed to attempt to manipulate the situation, despite it probably being different from what he felt. He was fidgeting with a thread on his shirt, suggesting some anxiety at the confrontation, and he was absolutely avoiding eye contact, though doing a good job of acting like he was still looking into Komui's eyes. Komui knew how to tell the difference between true eye contact and the other person staring at the eyebrows, nose, or cheekbones. He could even tell it apart if the person was staring at the rims of his glasses instead of his eyes. This boy was dead scared, and he needed to let his fears out, but Komui couldn't really say that anymore without having his words ignored.

"If you say so. I maintain that I'm fine and don't need to talk. Talking about something doesn't make it better. That physically doesn't make sense. Human psychology, while fascinating, is screwed up. Some day, I'll break it. I won't talk because soon, there will be no need." Allen said calmly as he put his mask smile back on and got up to leave, "With that, I will be going. I need to double check my homework before tomorrow. Goodbye Komui." he said politely

"Goodbye Allen. Please take what I have said into consideration." said Komui, and he showed the young boy out.

* * *

He couldn't get Allen's last few words out of his head, _'I won't talk because soon, there will be no need.'_ Soon, there will be no need, that could mean more than one thing. What Allen said implies that he will defeat the programming of the human brain to not need to talk, or meet any other physical and emotional needs that he feels are inconvenient and don't fit too well with his personality.

The other meaning that Komui could think of isn't quite that complicated. He thought that Allen might be considering suicide, even if it's subconsciously. He was very worried for the small boy, because such dangerous thoughts at such a young age could lead to absolutely terrible places in the future, and the earlier the thoughts start, the more likely the person will be to actually follow through with it. The statistic is something like, 91%* of those with the thoughts of suicide from ages 12-14 onwards actually end up committing suicide in the future? Something like that.

Komui desperately wished he could help the boy, but Allen stayed beyond his reach. He was too far away and behind too thick a wall for Komui to penetrate. He just hoped nothing would happen, not only for Allen's sake, but for his, his sister's, and all of Allen's other friends' sakes.

* * *

Allen didn't know why he said what he did to Komui, well not all of it anyways. Most of it, he was right. He knew what he had said was the truth and that Komui couldn't argue it, but he let slip a little too much information. He had said that what was bugging Komui might be similar to what was bugging him. He felt really stupid for saying that, luckily, Komui didn't seem to really notice that part of what he'd said. He also felt really stupid for hinting at his suicidal ideation right at the end. He's always been too honest for his own good, and now it's biting him in the ass. He felt like the world's biggest idiot, especially since Komui probably caught on to it. The man was actually smart.

While he hoped that Komui somehow missed it, he wasn't really kidding himself. He knew Komui understood exactly what he had meant, even if Allen had made it somewhat ambiguous. At least he hadn't noticed my legs. Their under pants, so they're hidden, but it's good that he didn't find that, anyways.

Well, I can't change the past from the future. If I could, my life would be so much better. And I wouldn't have to change this one incident because it wouldn't have happened. I think. I guess I can't really say that for sure, but whatever. That's not important. What's important is never letting anyone else figure out anything. ANYthing. I have to get a better act because this one isn't cutting it for the people that I'm hanging around with now. They're too smart. But I guess that's my fault, I picked a smart school after all.

I've just got to keep moving forward. Don't look back, just keep moving forward, wherever that takes me. It'll be good or it'll be bad, whichever happens, happens. I don't have much control over that. It'll probably be bad, based on the rest of my life, but I can't think about that right now. It's making my head hurt. I really need some sleep. It'll get rid of this headache.

About ten minutes later, Allen got back to his house and prepared for bed. His headache was gradually growing worse, but didn't worsen too quickly provided he didn't think any bad thoughts. He just tried to think about homework, something neutral. It worked, and soon enough, he was ready to sleep. He let his hot, heavy, and pounding head hit his pillow. He picked up Tim and said goodnight, then waited for sleep to take him. Fortunately sleep was on his side tonight, and he fell asleep in minutes. He had a deep, dreamless sleep, and he slept through the whole night. It was the best sleep that he'd had in a very long time.

* * *

* statistic stolen from Wikipedia, I didn't just make it up. Someone else did. =P

**A/N**: Hope you enjoyed that. Please let me know what you think! Cricket noises aren't terribly helpful ;) If you don't want to, then that's fine. You're all still awesome just for reading this.

Till next time

-Shippo704


	14. Enter: Crown Clown

**A/N**: Sorry it took so long to update, things happen, and all. I bought a piano! And worked a lot this week. But no excuse, eh? This is a light chapter. It's the beginning of a couple of light chapters before the angsty stuff starts again. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it!

**Warning**: Fluff

* * *

**Enter: Crown Clown**

* * *

_October 2008_

"Lenalee! Allen! Guess what?" exclaimed an excited Krory first thing on that Thursday morning.

"What is it Krory? What's got you so excited this morning?" asked Lenalee, very interested in what had gotten her friend so worked up this early in the morning.

"Today is... Today is... Today-" Krory started to say

"Spit it out Krory. We've only got till first period." said Allen, a little impatient at his friend's antics.

"Today is October 29th. And it's a Thursday. Do you know what that means?" Krory asked, still bouncing a little bit with excitement.

"That it's Thursday October the 29th? I'm afraid I don't quite follow your train of thought, Krory." admitted Lenalee

"It means that it's almost Halloween! And since it's almost Halloween, it's almost time for my Halloween party! And since today is a Thursday, it means that two days from now is Saturday! And That means that the 31st is on a Saturday so my party will be on a Saturday which is the best day to have a party because you can all show up whenever you want and we can still sleep in all of the next day if we need to! Or stay up late! Or do anything! It's going to be really great!" said Krory very quickly, his excitement building with every phrase he spoke.

"Slow down a little, Krory. You don't want to bite your own tongue because you were talking too fast." said Allen

"Oh yeah, I forgot the most important part! You two are both invited! And so is your brother, Lenalee. If he wants to, he came come too. And both of your parents if you want." Krory was still unaware that neither of the teenagers had parents around. It didn't feel that it was an important detail, so neither of them had bothered to mention it, "And your new friend too. You said her name was Miranda? It would be a great way to get to know her, at a party. In costumes! If she's shy, she can hide behind a mask or something and it will be totally okay! A party is just how Allen and me became good friends! Maybe it will work out just as well for Miranda too!" said Krory, always optimistic about these sorts of things.

"Sure thing Krory. I'll invite Komui and Miranda. I'll be there for sure. I can do my homework on Friday, so I won't have to worry about it over the weekend. You too Allen!" said Lenalee, very happy at the good news this morning.

"Yeah, I'll be there Krory. I haven't missed a party yet, and I don't plan to." said Allen, smiling politely at his friend.

"This is great! Make sure you two have costumes! It's Halloween after all, and dressing up is part of the fun!" said Krory, "I've already got mine planned out, and it's truly amazing! You two had better do a good job too. Miranda and Komui can be forgiven, maybe you too Lenalee, since it's such short notice, but I won't forgive _you_ Allen, if your costume is anything less than spectacular. You should have seen this coming, and have had a costume prepared for a month already."

"Hey Krory, that's just not fair! Why pick on me? I haven't even decided what to dress up as! I've only had two minutes to even think of a costume! Because two minutes ago is when I found out about this whole costume business! Same as Lenalee." complained Allen

"It's been longer than that. I believe that I had mentioned this a while back. And you should know me better than this by now, Allen. It's your fault if you don't have a fantastic costume." said Krory, dismissing his friends complaints.

"But that's not fair! How am I supposed to come up with something as amazing as you expect in two days! Especially since we're in school for those two days!" Allen continued to complain.

"Like I said, you've had over a month. That's why I expect it to be amazing as I do. And I know what you're capable of doing when you want to. It's not my fault if you procrastinated, so don't blame me." said Krory, completely ignoring the complaints at this point.

"You're impossible! Fine, I'll try, just don't come crying after me then it's not as good as you expected. I warned you in advance, remember." challenged Allen. Then a thought occurred to him. He smirked, "I wouldn't be surprised if my costume after less than two days of work, is still superior to yours. After all, you did say you knew my capabilities. The only reason for costumes is so that we can have a costume contest, meaning that the person with the best costume will win some sort of prize, decided by the host, you. That means you want the prize. If you think that my costume-making abilities will be so great, why are you telling me that I need a fantastic costume. If what you say about my abilities, which you have never seen, by the way, is true, then my costume will be incomparably better. So then why are you telling me all this, exactly?" asked Allen, acting too innocent.

"I-I-I don't know. Don't make your costume better than my super amazing costume! In two days, you will find out that I'm much better! Because I'll win! And you won't! So I'm not going to talk to you until then! I don't want you to find out my ideas and steal them." Krory said, and with that, he walked off to his first class, leaving Allen and Lenalee at the lockers.

"Well, that turned out rather well." commented Allen.

"What are you talking about? You just made him run away from you, and he won't talk to you for a few days! What's so good about that?" asked Lenalee, a little exasperated with her friend.

"He's in competitive mode. This way, he'll show his true colours and do his best. Males are competitive creatures. Much more so than females, although girls are good for competing with each other as well, just in a different manner. If Krory decides that I am an 'enemy,' at least for the sake of this costume contest, he will work even harder, especially since he's passionate about this in the first place. He won't hate me or anything, it's all friendly stuff. He'll just be able to produce even better work than he thought he could in the first place. I expect that he'll win, and he'll feel even happier about it after all of the extra work that he's put into his costume. Of course, that means I have to produce something good as well, but I'm sure he'll still beat me in the end. Competition, when imposed correctly, can be an excellent means of getting males to show their full potential in any field. It provides motivation, going back as far as evolution and assertion of dominance." said Allen, as a means of explanation.

"Wow Allen, I didn't know you knew how to manipulate like that. When did you get so smart?" asked Lenalee, smiling at her friend, knowing that his intentions were good.

"A long time ago. Understanding how people think, especially at the roots, is very helpful towards any goal in life. In this case, my goal is to make sure that Krory has a good time and a good party. Also, to help boost his confidence. His confidence in himself is severely lacking, though he puts up a good show sometimes. I'm just trying to be a nice guy, for once." said Allen, shrugging as he picked up his books from his locker.

"I didn't know that you analyzed people and situations that much. And you're always a nice guy, don't doubt yourself. Anyways, I agree with you, Krory need a little, or maybe a lot, or self-esteem boosting. This could be a great opportunity, especially if things go well between him and Miranda too. You're a great friend for thinking of this. I don't tell you that nearly enough, that' you're a really great friend, Allen." said Lenalee, smiling brightly at Allen.

"O-Oh. Th-Thanks Lenalee. I never really thought I was doing that well, but if you say so, then I guess it must be true." Allen said, even if he didn't truly believe it. He had to make her think so though, so she wouldn't get suspicious of him again, "Anyways, it's just about time for class, so if you don't mind, I've got to get going. Good luck with the invitations and finding a costume. We don't have too much time, after all." Allen said, smiling

"Don't worry about the costumes, I've already got an idea in mind. And one each for Miranda and my brother too, in case they can't think of anything." said Lenalee, completely confident.

"You do? Want to tell me what it is?" asked Allen, very curious as to what Lenalee could have chosen for her costume.

"Sure thing! Come here, I'll whisper it to you so that no one else can hear it." she said.

Allen moved closer and held his ear forward for her.

"A secret!" Lenalee whispered. Allen turned away and she winked, then started giggling, "Of course I'm not going to tell you yet. That would ruin the surprise, and it wouldn't be fair to anyone else! I'll see you at lunch, Allen." Lenalee said as she turned and walked away.

"I'll see you then, Lenalee." said Allen. He shut his locker and headed in the direction of room 221, his programming class.

* * *

"Hello Allen, hello Krory." greeted Lenalee, taking her seat in the stairwell, "How were your classes this morning?"

"They went pretty well, nothing especially different or interesting." replied Allen, "How were your classes?"

"The same. Nothing special or different." said Lenalee.

The trio sat in silence for a few minutes while they ate their food, at least in Lenalee's case. In the case of the two boys, the food just seemed to disappear without a trace.

"Are you still not talking to each other?" asked Lenalee

"I'm talking to Krory, he just doesn't seem to want to talk to me for some reason." said Allen with a mischievous smirk, "It's been quite fun. I got a lot of work done very quickly because there weren't any distractions, and it didn't matter what I said, Krory stayed silent. Once I'd finished my work I was able to tell him whatever I thought, and he wouldn't object." Allen's smirk turned into a dark, evil grin, black horns almost seeming to grow out of the sides of his head, "Oh it was quite fun, telling Krory that my opinions were superior to all of his, that Pokemon is better than Digimon, that cats are better than dogs, that Patrick Rothfuss is a far superior author to Stephanie Meyer." Allen started chuckling darkly as he listed his examples.

"Allen that's terrible!" exclaimed Lenalee, "Why would you be so mean to your friend?"

"Because I'm evil like that, and it's fun." Allen said, still wearing his evil smile.

"You're such a jerk! I'm going to go eat with Miranda today, at least until you two can mature enough to eat lunch together like friends. And yes, I'm referring to you Allen. What you're doing just isn't nice at all!" Lenalee scolded as she stood up to leave, "And you, Krory, should grow up and just talk to him. You aren't a little kid! How long do you plan to hold this stupid grudge or whatever it is anyways?"

Lenalee turned and walked out of the stairwell, going off to find her grade nine friends to eat with. Allen and Krory sat in silence for the rest of lunch, not saying anything, part because of the imagined competition and rivalry, and part because they didn't want to say anything that would end up causing Lenalee to scold them again, when she found out. They both knew that if they did say something, she would find out. She had a habit of making people spill their guts to her, even if it gets them into trouble.

* * *

That evening, at home, Allen began to seriously ponder what he would do for a costume. He had to go all out, and it was in only two days. It had to be something he already had, or something that he could make with something he already had... which was basically nothing. None of his childhood costumes would fit anymore, obviously, since he was no longer four years old. When he started to live with Cross, he didn't go out for Halloween anymore, or even dress up, because Cross said it was a waste of time, money, and effort. Typical Cross.

Digging through old stuff, Allen found lots of old white cloth. It was soft to touch and looked like it could make a good lining for a coat in the future, if he needed to make one in the future. He also found some old, colourful balls that he supposed he must have played with as a child, some face paint, some of Cross's old shoes, a silver mask, ancient hair gel, some glittery stuff, old paper and markers, some old books, a can of spray paint, one weird, old glove, a pink umbrella (Why would Cross have, of all colours, a PINK umbrella?), and a deck of cards.

Allen immediately grabbed the cards and started shuffling them and tricking with them, hiding the best in his sleeves, his expression turning dark. He then noticed what he was doing and put the cards back in the box. He didn't need to turn into his darker self at the moment, he wasn't gambling, he was trying to find materials for a costume.

He stared at the materials and tried to decide what he could do with a large white cloth. That cloth would probably be the main costume, as there wasn't any other material in there that he could wear, except the mask and shoes, but they didn't cut it. What sort of thing could he dress up as that wore all white? And possibly made use of some of the other materials?

An angel maybe? White robe, wings, and a halo. No, he needed stiff wire for the wings and the halo. Otherwise, he probably could have done that. He could have used the paper to make textured wings, and to cover the wire on the halo and give it colour. The glitter would have been useful too.

Possibly a bunny or some sort of animal? A polar bear? But that would be really difficult. Getting the shapes of the ears and tail correct, getting the head size, the length of the arms and legs, and he was too short to use a pattern from the internet. The costume would end up too big. And none of the other supplies would have helped him make it better. A white animal was definitely out.

A clown?

He didn't know why that idea popped into his head. Clowns could wear any colour, in fact, they usually wore very colourful clothing. But a clown could work. He could easily make a body suit out of the material, and some ruffles along the neck, wrists, and ankles. Face pain for his face, and hair gel if he needed it. Glitter was a possibility. Cross's shoes were far too large, and since he probably wouldn't be coming back, Allen could spray the shoes with the spray paint to make them a different colour. And he knew how to juggle. It was one of the things he learned to do when he had learned to use his arm again after he had burnt it in the fire. And to cover his hands, there were the old gloves...

Glove. Just a right glove. Well, it was bright white and kind of shaped a little disproportionately, almost like it was made for humourous purposes, such as being a clown. It contrasted his left hand completely, if he left his left glove off. A gloved, white right hand, and a burnt, shrivelled left hand with black, claw-like nails. It would be quite a surprise, possibly giving him an edge in the competition. The surprise might throw off the judge, whoever that happened to be.

In any case, Allen figured it was time to start sewing, since he didn't have any homework left to do. The night was still young, and he didn't have much time to waste before Saturday, especially if he wanted to sleep the night before the party, tomorrow night. He couldn't have himself falling asleep in the middle of the party after all, that would be rude.

If nothing else, Allen did try to act the gentlemen at such occasions, but when he was with his friends, he often felt that need less than normal. Acting polite and like a gentleman was how Allen was able to get by, passing others by without noticing them, and without them noticing him. No one took note of each other, and no one thought ill of the other. If he was perfectly kind, sometimes people would look past his hair and scar. It usually didn't last long if it was more than a brief moment, where Allen was the gentleman, and not much more than a passing greeting was exchanged between the two participating parties.

Allen forced himself to stop thinking and reflecting and made himself get to work. It was going to take all the rest of his energy just to finish this in time, but he knew that Krory would be pleased by the way his costume turned out. He couldn't let his friend go disappointed now, especially since the worst it would be for him is a little lack of sleep. He figured that any signs of tiredness would be easily concealed by the face paint, and no one would have to know how exhausted he would be that evening.

* * *

_The Next Day..._

Allen walked up to his lock and opened it, doing his best to stifle a huge yawn. He had stayed up until 1:30 that morning sewing the clown costume together. He had decided, while he was making it, that he didn't really like the ruffles, and instead hung a bunch of long pieces of the cloth from the shoulders and back, also that a long cloak would be better than a bodysuit. He thought that it looked better and more unique that way. All that was left to do that night was prepare the shoes, and practice his juggling again so that he wouldn't mess it up at the party. He figured he'd probably be okay, even without practice, but it couldn't hurt him, at any rate.

Krory noticed Allen's attempt to hide a yawn and decided to break his vow of silence against Allen, at least temporarily, "You okay Allen? You look tired."

"Yeah, I'm fine Krory. I was just working really hard on the costume yesterday. I'll be fine after some sleep tonight. And my costume is totally going to beat yours, whatever it is that you have prepared for a costume." Allen grinned

"As if! I've had a large head-start on you, and you can't possibly have a better costume. It's on! I'm sorry I felt a little worried for you. You're my enemy, I shouldn't be sympathizing. Thanks for reminding me, except no thanks will be given because you are my enemy." Krory said as he closed his own locker and strode quickly to class.

"Haha, Krory is really quite funny that way, never being able to decide if one is a friend or enemy..." Allen felt a twinge of guilt at the statement, remembering how he'd been treated in the past, and how he'd accidentally treated Krory at the beginning of last year. Lenalee walked up behind him, "God, I'm such an idiot!" Allen said to himself, hitting his fist against his locker door.

"Now why would you say that?" asked Lenalee, over Allen's shoulder.

"Why would I say what?" Allen asked, not quite sure which part of what he'd said that she was referring to, or which part(s) she'd heard. He didn't notice her arrival when she'd appeared.

"That you're an idiot. You clearly aren't, if you're in this school. And aren't your marks near the top of all those in the grade?" asked Lenalee

"Nah, they couldn't be. The marks I get are maybe average at best." His overall average for the previous year was an 89, "And they aren't at the top of the grade. There are lots of people with averages around 95 or so. But that's not why I said I was an idiot, though it may be a contributing factor to the overall statement. I'm an idiot for what I was thinking just before you'd showed up."

"Oh? And what was that?" Lenalee asked, very curious about the inner workings and thoughts of her white-haired friend.

"Oh, um, nothing really important. In fact, I don't think it's something I should say. It's not really my place." said Allen, a little nervously. He put up his mask smile to try to convince her to drop it. People were prone to dismissing things that one said with a smile on one's face.

"If it wasn't important, then you should have no problem telling me, and clearly it is important, since you're saying that it's not your place to tell. That means it's something big, and probably not pleasant, and has to do with someone else, Krory I'd guess. It's either something between you two, or something that you found out or happened to witness. Either way, I won't pry. Just don't lie to me Allen, saying that things are unimportant when they really are." said Lenalee, a little saddened by her friend, but she could understand his reasons.

Allen winced at what she'd said. She was dead on, and dead right about him. He couldn't help but pick up the implied message in her last sentence. He felt really guilty about that, "In other news, I've picked a costume, and it's almost complete. All I need to do is add the finishing touches." Allen said, once more plastering his mask on his face. He hoped that this new topic would distract her from the old one, and from talking about him.

"That's great Allen! Will you tell me what it is?" Lenalee asked with excitement in her voice.

"Nope! Not unless you'll tell me what your costume is too." Allen said with a playful smirk on his face. He knew she wouldn't tell, and two could play at the I-Know-Something-You-Don't-Know game.

"Fair enough I guess. I have to go to class, and I have a meeting at lunch. I guess I'll see you at the party tomorrow then. Bye!" said Lenalee as she went off to her first class.

"Bye Lenalee, see you then." said Allen, waving after his friend. He double checked that he had his books for his class and made his way there, ready for the day, and ready for the party tomorrow, he just hope that he didn't ave too much homework tonight. He'd have to do it all later so that he could go to the party on the weekend. There was no way it was getting done at Krory's castle. Hopefully the teachers would be understanding and give the students Halloween weekend off from the work.

* * *

Life doesn't work the way that you want it to. A programming project to finish by Tuesday, Math questions, and a Civics test on Monday, the dates and parties of all of the Canadian Prime Ministers. Allen was more than a little annoyed by the amount of homework he'd received, and would have to finish, all in that night. And don't forget the costume either. It still needed to be completed. In any case, he still had 8 hours until midnight, hopefully he could get everything done by then. Time to get to work.

He did Math and Programming until dinner, at which point he took a break to cook the food and begin studying for Civics. He could glance at a list of names and parties and years while walking around the kitchen and cooking. He felt that multitasking in this way was a very efficient use of his time. After dinner, he tested himself on the names, dates, and parties until he was satisfied that he could get most of them. Then it was back to Programming and Math. By the time he had finished all of that, it was about 8:30. Still three and a half hours until midnight. That was his goal.

He needed, for the costume, to paint the shoes, fit the glove, add some textures and accents, and try it on and look in the mirror, to see if he needed to do anything else. He set himself straight to work on that. It wouldn't do him any good to waste time. He also kept his list of Prime Ministers taped to the wall where he was working, so that he could continue studying. It wouldn't do any good to only know most of the information. He had to know all of it. And multitasking is a very efficient use of the time. It allows one to do multiple things in the time it takes to do one thing. The way Allen saw it, it couldn't be much better than that.

Allen painted the shoes, and then had to wait for them to dry. It was kind of unfortunate that it takes so long for the paint to dry when it only takes a few seconds to spray it all over the shoes. It gave him time to work on the next thing. Glitter was next on his list. He spent some time, while also running over the list of Prime Ministers, thinking about where he could add glitter to his costume. He held it up to himself, walked around in from of the mirror for a little bit, and even consulted Timcampy, but couldn't find a good place to add glitter. In the end, he decided to just be rid of the stuff. He never really liked glitter that much anyways.

Well, it was 9:15 now, and the paint still had another 45 minutes of drying time, so Allen decided he'd just study until 10:00. He didn't have any more ideas for the costume, so he really only had studying left to do. For the next bit, Allen studied. At 10:00, Allen gave a long stretch, feeling the satisfying pops in his shoulders, arms, and back. He gave a yawn and went to check that the shoes were dry. When he found that they were, he donned the costume and shoes and went to the mirror.

He got to the mirror and immediately decided that he hated the shoes. He took them off and looked again. He felt that there was something missing from the costume. He pondered this for a bit, and came up with an idea. He could change his hair! He grabbed the hair gel and started experimenting, eventually settling on spikes that rose off the back of his neck, and stuck a little out to the sides. He didn't know why, but it felt right. But there was still something missing, and he couldn't quite put his finder on it. Face paint wouldn't really work with the costume anymore, due to the lack of colours in the outfit, and the deviations from the original clown idea. He sat down and started thinking, his thoughts eventually dipping back into his Civics homework. He's clearly studied too much if it was homework on his mind instead of a party tomorrow night.

In the middle of listing the Prime Ministers in the 1980s, Allen had an epiphany. A mask! That silver mask would go with the costume. It was silver, so it would accent the white costume and his blackened arm. He thought it was a great idea, and he could even attach it to a hood so that he could pull it back over his head if he needed to without losing it. He felt like a genius. It was 10:30, one and a half hours until midnight. Not a lot of time, but Allen figured he could do it. He looked sleepily at himself in the mirror.

"Allen, you are gonna finish this, you hear? And I ain't takin' 'No' for an answer. Tired is no excuse. Gotta finish what you've started. And gotta make it good for Krory. Failure is not an option. Now get to work, ya filth!" Allen told himself, his words halfway between orders and a pep talk.

With that, Allen started sewing some cloth onto his cloak costume, and made a hood for it. Then he attached the mask, and tried it on a few times, to make adjustments to the position. When he was satisfied that it fit over his eyes properly, he put the costume on and walked to the mirror. He hardly recognized his own reflection.

The mirror showed a masked figure in a white cloak. When Allen moved his arms, the white and black contrast showed effectively, giving the feel of some sort of greater being, though Allen didn't really understand how. He figured that if he wore black clothes under the white cloak tomorrow, it would complete the image. And he still looked sort of like a clown, in a way. Maybe it was just the white arm? Just a little more like royalty, due to the cloak and hood. He had to figure out what he was for tomorrow, when Lenalee and Krory asked him about it.

"I think I'm gonna call you 'Crown Clown.'" decided Allen, pointing at his reflection. It was after midnight now, and Allen was completely exhausted. He pointed at the mirror again, "I'm gonna see _you_ later."

He removed the cloak, and took a shower to remove the hair gel. After this, he climbed into his bed. It felt softer than normal today, probably due to the feelings of satisfaction that Allen held about completing the costume for his friend's party. He had done it, and it looked good. For the first time in a very long time, Allen was truly able to say that he felt good.

"Y'know what Tim? Feeling good feels kinda nice. I think I like it." Allen said groggily, as he drifted into a very deep sleep.

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you liked it. Let me know what you think! And thanks goes out to anyone reading, favouriting, alerting, or reviewing this story. You're all awesome!

Till next time

-Shippo704


	15. Halloween Night

**A/N**: I got this chapter done really fast for you all, to make up for being late last time. And it's long too! Hope anyone out there likes it!

**Warning**: language, more fluff.

* * *

**Halloween Night**

* * *

_October 2008_

Allen woke up with the sun shining in his window, straight into his eyes. It burned and made his eyes feel like they were being stabbed with sticks, just like what always happens when they need to readjust to light. He sat up, stretched, and began his morning routines. He felt incredibly well-rested and ready for whatever today might have in store.

It was a Saturday, his homework was done, and he had no other plans... Wait a second. Krory's party! But that is this afternoon, so he still had time. He went downstairs to make himself a huge breakfast.

When he got down to his kitchen, he felt that something was off. He looked around, and checked the fridge, looked on the floor, checked the positioning of things, but nothing was any different about any of that. He figured he was just being a little paranoid. Maybe that's what's supposed to happen after a good sleep? He didn't know, since he rarely had a good sleep, so he shrugged it off.

After devouring about 30 pancakes, Allen felt satisfied, and went to start packing his things for later. He grabbed an overnight bag, stuffed in some clothes, threw in his toiletries, folded his costume neatly, and placed Timcampy on top. He couldn't very well leave Tim behind in good conscience. If Lenalee, Komui, and Miranda wanted to think him a scaredy-boy or a wimp, then so be it. He didn't actually owe them anything anyways. If they decided that they didn't like his company, he didn't think he'd be too hurt by it. He made sure that he didn't get that close to people, since them leaving him eventually was inevitable. He didn't want any more loneliness than what he already had to deal with.

Satisfied that things were packed to his liking, Allen went downstairs and tried to decide what he would do to kill time until that afternoon. He planned to arrive at Krory's place for about 7pm, as per usual. Krory would probably be expecting him by then, and would have dinner ready. Dinner... The thought made Allen's mouth water. He almost wanted to eat again.

He walked into the living room, and then noticed what was bothering him. The shadows of the furniture were facing the wrong direction. This meant that the sun was on the opposite side of the sky and that means... Oh shit! What time is it?

Allen dashed to the nearest clock, his face paling as he read the time. It was 7:13pm. He decided that he'd call Krory to explain his lateness, and ask to delay dinner. He dialled the phone number quickly, and waited impatiently for Krory to pick up.

"Hello." said Krory from the other end of the line.

"Hello Krory, this is Allen." said Allen

"Allen? Where are you? You're usually here at 7 or so, but right now you seem to be at your house. Are you feeling okay?" Krory asked, concerned for his friend, and about the reason for his lateness.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine Krory, better than ever. I just overslept a little bit... And I was calling to tell you that I'd be late. I'm leaving right now. And if you haven't served dinner yet, would you all mind waiting for me?" Allen asked, hoping that he'd get the food while it was still warm.

"Oh, I dunno Allen. Komui here is saying that he has a very large appetite and can't wait. And that he'd eat your share too if you didn't show up so-" Krory heard a crash from the other end of the line, then a dial tone, "Geez, I was only teasing him. I think everyone can wait the extra twenty minutes." Krory said as he hung up the phone.

Allen was worried about missing out on the food, even though he'd just finished eating thirty pancakes. Krory's food was delicious, and like hell Komui was going to eat his share. He may just have to punch that guy in the stomach until all the food comes back out if he does eat it all. Allen sprinted the whole way to Krory's house and made it there in about 30% of the normal time it takes him. He can run quite fast when food is at stake. Panting, he made his way up to Krory's door and knocked loudly, shouting curses at Komui, and that Komui had better not have touched any of his food.

Krory let Allen in.

"Welcome Allen. Everyone else is already here. I got them all to wait for you, since I knew you wouldn't be too long in getting here. Come, have a seat." Krory said.

"But... pant... what about... pant... Komui... pant... eating my food?" asked Allen, very concerned.

"Aha! I was teasing you. You need to learn to lighten up a little bit, you know?" said Krory lightly.

"I will never lighten up where food is concerned." Allen said darkly, making Krory blink in surprise.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I get what you mean, I might've reacted the same way, but it was sure as hell funny when you showed up here panting and shouting and threatening Komui all like you did! Aha! It was great!" Krory said laughing

"And now you laugh at my pain?" Allen said, figuring that his friend was teasing, and so decided to tease back

"Sure. That's what friends do, right?" Krory said, still laughing and joking.

"Yes, you're right. I have no reason to object to that." Allen said quietly and quickly, smile disappearing from his face. Krory was confused, and felt a bit guilty about it.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that in a bad way, I was just joking." Krory tried to reassure, "I guess it went a bit too far, or something. And now that I think about it, you said you slept in. How does one sleep in at seven in the evening?" Krory asked, trying to change the subject. It seemed to work.

"Oh, I was up late the last two nights, working myself to the bone. I put so much effort into that costume, you'd better be pleased. I just ended up sleeping for about nineteen straight hours. That's what a little exhaustion can do to you, I guess, but it was worth it." Allen smiled, using his common, polite smile.

The two boys walked into the dining area, and were greeted loudly by Lenalee

"You two are talking again! I guess you made up! Hooray!" she cheered, "Come on Allen, sit down. We're all starving, waiting so long for you." she winked

"Hey now Lenalee, don't blame it on the time, it only took me less than 10 minutes to get here you know." Allen smiled, winking back, then he turned to the other girl in the room, "Hello Miranda, I'm Allen. It's nice to me-" Allen held out his hand to shake, and then got a better look at Miranda's face. This _was_ the same Miranda he knew from his old school, "I mean, long time no see."

The other three people all stared at Allen and Miranda.

"Good to see you again Allen." she replied.

The other three dropped their jaws in shock. The two already knew each other from somewhere. Their thoughts included: "Small world," "Who'd've thought Allen would actually know another living human being," and "We've so got to pester them about this later."

With those introductions out of the way, Allen sat down.

"Good for you to join us Allen," said Komui, "Now let's dig in!"

The five teenagers eagerly tucked in to their meal. Krory was indeed a fantastic cook, and each person was very happy with his cooking. Krory blushed at hearing such praise from so many people. He wasn't quite used to it yet.

Part way through the meal, Komui couldn't hold back his curiosity any longer, "So Allen, Miranda, how do you two know each other?" he asked.

"Well, um, you see..." Allen started

"We were in the same class for two years in elementary school." said Miranda, "Oh I'm sorry! I cut you off! I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it Miranda" Allen smiled kindly.

"But you two are in different grades and are different ages. I would understand that it might have been a split class if it was for one year, but for two years?" Komui asked

"You're right. It wasn't a split class. Our school technically had a 'gifted program.'" Allen used finger quotes, "Although, it was more of a get-out-of-class-to-do-puzzles-and-play-mind-games once a week sort of class. We didn't learn much of anything. The puzzles and stuff were too easy to learn from." Allen explained, "There were two sections of this class, one for juniors (grades 4-6) and one for intermediates (grades 7-8). We should have been in the class at the same time for three years, this being the case, but I stopped going to that class in seventh grade because I didn't see the point in wasting my time in a class that didn't teach anything, just to have homework from the regular class later."

"I kept going to the class until the end of eighth grade, but Allen was only in the class at the same time that I was during my fourth and fifth grade years." said Miranda.

"And you're still the same as I remember you Miranda." Allen smiled

"O-Oh, um, th-thank you. I-I'm sorry! I shouldn't have stuttered like that. Please for-forgive me!"

"Like I always used to tell you, no need to apologize for little things like that. No one takes offense and you haven't hurt anyone, so you don't need to apologize." said Allen kindly, trying to reassure Miranda as he used to do sometimes.

"I-I'm sorry Allen. I'll try better next time. You're right of course. I just get nervous." said Miranda, bowing her head towards him in apology.

"Pick your head up Miranda. You won't be able to finish your food that way, with your head down on your chest." grinned Komui, also trying to make the young girl feel better.

"Y-Yes Mr. Lee." said Miranda, picking her head up and continuing to eat her food.

"That's much better. Now we can see your face too. And don't call me Mr. Lee. I'm not your teacher or anything. Just call me Komui." Komui smiled

"Yes sir, Mr. Komui. Sorry. I'll remember that for next time. I'll try to do better." Miranda apologized.

Komui, Allen, and Lenalee all sighed inwardly. The three could see that getting their friend to stop apologizing for nothing was going to be quite the task. But they had lots and lots of time. And time heals all wounds, doesn't it?

The idle chatter continued while everyone finished eating their meals, or in Allen's and Krory's cases, devouring their meals. Soon enough, the group decided that it was time for the costume contest. Miranda got nervous at the thought of someone wearing a frightening costume, but she was assured by Lenalee that none of her friends would do something like that. She glared at Allen and Krory, hoping it was the truth.

"My costume isn't scary. It's actually supposed to be humourous, if you can believe that." Allen said.

"And mine isn't scary. It's just a costume, after all." said Krory. With that comment, the two boys glared at each other.

"I'M GONNA PUT MINE ON FIRST AND IT'S GONNA BE WAY BETTER THAN YOURS IS SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER!" the two shouted at the same time before departing to different rooms to change.

Lenalee laughed. Come on Miranda, our clothes are in this room here. I'll help you with your hair once you put your costume on. Then you can help me with mine, 'kay?" said Lenalee

"Got it." said Miranda, as the two departed for their room.

"But that leaves me all alone!" Komui whined to an empty hallway, "I must get my costume on quickly, before my darling sister Lenalee gets back here and finds that she has no one to accompany her!" Komui said, mood quickly changing, and forgetting about Miranda's company.

* * *

Allen, after several minutes of attempting to gel his hair to perfection, had his costume donned and ready. As he left the room, he noticed a paper sign taped to the wall across the hallway. It read: Please make your way to the living room and follow the instructions given. There was a big arrow pointing in the direction of the living room. Allen wouldn't have cared too much, but he'd already forgotten which way the living room was, causing him a small amount of embarrassment. At least no one else was there to see him.

Allen walked towards the living room, but stopped when he saw another paper sign, and several curtains, sheets, and drapes dividing the hallway. The sheets almost seemed to outline a sort of maze of passages. If that was the case, Allen felt completely screwed. He'd never make it to the end of a maze.

The sign read: Allen, take the left passage, then the next left passage. Komui, take the left passage, then the next right passage. Lenalee, take the right passage, then the next left passage. Miranda, take the right passage, then the next right passage.

Allen almost sighed with relief. Left then left. He could do that. He figured that there would probably be more instructions at the end.

He walked through the sheets, and discovered that he was correct. Another paper sign was hanging next to a bright red button. The sign read: Push the button, and wait for the contest to begin. There was another big arrow pointing toward the button. Krory knew of his difficulties with direction, but seriously? He could find a bright red button on a white sheet. He may have no internal compass, but he could tell colours apart. He pushed the button, then tensed with realization. A red button. Maybe something will explode.

A speaker came on, "Our final contestant has just arrived. Geez Allen, what took you so long? Your costume must be just as awesome as you said it would be! Anyways, Now that everyone's here, I'll count to three and you can all step out of the sheets at the same time. This way, everyone gets to see each others' costumes at the same time. You all ready now? 1... 2... 3!" Krory's voice crackled

Allen stepped out of his sheet, without messing up his hair, and looked around at all of the other costumes. Komui was wearing a long white lab coat over a white turtleneck and white pants, a white beret, and had a fancy silver Cross pinned over his left breast. The look suited him for some reason. Allen figured it was because he was a scientist, and the lab coat added to the image.

Lenalee was wearing a black and silver coat over a white tank top, a black miniskirt with silver stripes down the sides, and tall, black, high-heeled boots with green stripes on the sides that looked almost white. The boots went all the way up to her knees, covering more of her body than the skirt did. Allen blushed a little at the thought. Lenalee looked really awesome in her costume.

Miranda wore a coat similar to Lenalee's, and had black pants over her legs instead of a skirt. Allen had a hard time picturing Miranda in a skirt, since it wasn't really her style. Also, different from Lenalee, Miranda had a large black disk on her right arm. The disk had green circles on it, and dots on the circles, forming a sort of pattern. Allen didn't really know what that was supposed to represent, but it looked cool, in any case. She also had her hair down, for once. It looked very nice on her, now that it wasn't tied up in the tight bun that it was always in.

Krory, in short, looked like a vampire. He had the fake teeth in, black garb, a long black cloak, and had gelled the white stripe in his hair to stick straight up. It was a menacing-looking costume and very well done. He had certainly used his looks to his advantage. But one thing still bothered him. Krory had told Miranda that his costume wasn't scary, but Miranda was certainly going to-

A loud scream was heard from none other than Miranda. She turned and ran back into the sheets to get away from Krory. Lenalee chased after her with impressive speed, considering that her boots were heels. Komui half laughed and half cheered, "Go my sister! Help your friend! You can do it Lenalee!"

Allen and Krory stared at each other, trying to determine who was the winner.

"MY COSTUME IS MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS IS!" they both shouted, pointing at the other, "NOT IT'S NOT! MINE IS CLEARLY THE WINNER!" the two began hissing at each other, and started a staring war. When Lenalee and Miranda returned, they felt a little unsafe and didn't want to get between them. Komui was a different story.

Two remote controls later, both boys were running around the room, trying to dodge the mini-robots and their attacks. They ran and screamed, while Komui laughed evilly and started mumbling insanities. Among these insane ramblings, one could distinguish the words, "go my Komurins, get the evil boys who would steal my Lenalee away." The two boys were never after Lenalee, but in Komui's eyes, any sort of war with his sister somewhere nearby must be about her and who would take her away from him. Lenalee allowed him to bring the Komurins only because he had claimed that they were part of his scientist costume. As it was, she decided that the robots needed to be terminated, costume or not, before Allen or Krory got hurt by one of them, or by tripping over the furniture. In a few short minutes, the robots had been kicked to pieces, then their remains disassembled.

"But Lenalee! How could you do that to my precious babies!" Komui whined, on his knees and crying into Lenalee's jacket.

"Because, brother, they are terrorizing the host and the other guests, all of which are my friends." Lenalee stated in an annoyed tone.

"But... sniff... Lenalee..." Komui started

"No buts. Don't let me catch you making those things again, got it?" said Lenalee

"sniff... Got it." Komui said. He knew that he'd be able to make one later, so he gave up on it for now.

"Good. Now let's finish the costume competition. I'd say that it's going to be between Allen and Krory for best costume. Krory is a vampire, clearly, but what is your costume, Allen?" asked Lenalee.

"My costume was originally supposed to be a clown, see the arm," he waved his right arm, "but I thought that it would look cooler if I made a few, or several changes to it. And the contrasting colours between my arms, hair, cloak, and clothes, all seemed to fit a nice sort of colour scheme theme. After a bit, it wasn't really a clown costume anymore, just me messing around. It still looks a little clownish, but also a little like a king, with the hood and spiked hair. I call it 'Crown Clown' as silly a name as that may be."

"It's very unique Allen! Just like you are. I think it suits you." said Lenalee, smiling as always

"I-I agree" stuttered Miranda, "the black and white, it f-fits your p-personality." She paused, "I'm sorry!"

"Nothing to be sorry about Miranda, but I don't understand exactly what you mean. Could you clarify?" asked Allen

"N-No. I-It's not important. I was being stupid. I'm sorry." Miranda said quietly.

"Well then, we must decide! I think we should all vote between Allen and Krory as the winner. Nothing will be held against anyone for their vote. Is that _clear_ Allen, Krory." Komui said, as he glared at them.

"Sure, but if he doesn't vote for me then I won't invite him to any more parties." said Krory

"And if he doesn't vote for me then I won't come to any more parties." said Allen

The other three sighed, this was probably the best that they were going to get, and it's not like either of them would actually carry out the threats, they think.

"Okay, Krory, since you're the host, you vote first. Then Allen, Lenalee, myself and Miranda. Who do you think has the better costume?" asked Komui

"Me. My costume is far superior to Allen's costume." stated Krory confidently. Allen secretly smiled when he heard his friend's strong voice.

"Oh yeah? You say that to my fa-" Allen was cut off

"_Allen_. I warned you already." Komui said, threateningly

"Fine, fine. I think my costume is better than Krory's is. That's it." said Allen, simply.

"I vote for Krory. His costume is brilliant. It fits him perfectly. And he looks great too. Sorry Allen, but I can't see your face under that big white hood of yours." said Lenalee

"And I vote for Allen. Your costume is peculiar and fascinating. It's almost like a sample of something I'd like to study..." Komui trailed off, letting his scientist instincts take over.

It was all up to Miranda to cast the tie-breaking vote.

"N-N-Now it's up to m-me? B-B-But I can't d-decide b-between my friends. What if you take a grudge on m-me i-i-if I p-pick wrong?" asked Miranda, very anxious

"Don't worry about it, we won't hold it against you." said Krory kindly.

"Yeah, same here, but you should choose me." Allen winked

"No fair Allen! Let the nice young lady decide!" Krory scolded Allen

Unnoticed by everyone, Miranda blushed when Krory said 'nice young lady.' No one had been that nice to her before.

"U-Um, I p-pick Krory. It is Halloween a-after all, and his costume i-is th-the scariest." said Miranda, nervously

"HOORAY!" shouted Krory, as Allen muttered a quiet but non-begrudging "Darn!"

"I won! I had the best costume, even better than Allen's! I'm so proud, this is the best day ever!" Krory said very excited and happily.

"Hey, congrats Krory. I'm glad you won. You worked hard, and you deserve it!" Allen said, grinning happily for his friend. Krory would never figure out that Allen had set up a good part of this victory, from the competitive aspect, to even the comment at the end. He knew Krory's kind nature would win over Miranda, once he'd found out that it was the same Miranda he used to know. She didn't get very many kind words from anyone, and was extremely grateful to anyone who made her feel useful, important, or special. To Miranda, hearing the word 'nice' to describe her would make her feel happier than ever, and push her towards Krory's vote. Allen knew that it was in Krory's nature to give out compliments as frequently as he breathes. The plan worked perfectly.

"Congratulations Krory, but what was the winner's prize?" asked Lenalee, very curious.

Krory chuckled, and the rest waited in anticipation, "The prize is-" he cut off to laugh again, "the prize is Allen making hot chocolate for everyone!" Krory said as he burst out laughing again. He couldn't control himself.

No one else got the joke, until Allen spoke up, "Does this mean that, if I'd won, I would still make everyone else hot chocolate?" It was now that the rest started laughing, except Allen that is, "That's harsh Krory." Allen said, smiling.

"I know, now go do it! New Kitchen Slave." Krory jokingly ordered

Allen tensed, only slightly, at that comment, so no one noticed. "Very well, Sir Arystar, I shall be back momentarily with the beverages for you and your guests." Allen said, bowing like a butler and putting on his best British accent, which was pretty good, since he'd been raised with an accent. He'd lost it during his first year at school. With that, he went to make the hot chocolate.

* * *

"So Miranda," said Komui, a little more serious than he was before, "could you explain your earlier comment in a little more detail?" he asked

"Wh-Which comment?" asked Miranda

"You know, the one about Allen's personality being black and white. He doesn't tell us anything and it's just so much fun to gossip!" said Komui, making a joking face, but his eyes looked serious.

Miranda picked up on the eyes, "W-Well, it's not really that I know him at all either, but he's just so different now, that it's almost like he has two personalities. If it wasn't for the distinct appearance, I might not have said that the two were the same person."

"Really?" asked Lenalee, "How so?"

"Well," started Miranda, "back in elementary school, he was really shy and impossibly introverted. You would be happy just to get a 'hello' in response after you'd greeted him. He always seemed to stare off into space while no one was looking, with a grim expression on his face. I don't think he knows that I noticed this, but he might suspect something now."

"Allen's really introverted now too, though not so much that he doesn't speak to anyone, and he does get lost in thoughts a little too easily. I don't think it's too much of a leap from what you've told us to the Allen that we know. Growing up would change some of these characteristics a little bit." said Krory

"Yes, you're right. But that's only part of it. He always avoided contact with people as much as possible. I have no doubt that the Allen I knew, if he'd been invited here, would have found a way to politely decline. He even went as far as to ask the teachers to stay in at recess to do extra homework, despite his fear of speaking to people. I'm not completely sure why, but I can assume that there were bullies that bothered him about his appearance. As a little kid, I guess he was sensitive and the unkind words bothered him more."

"Well, Allen told me the first time that he was here, or rather, a couple months afterwards, that he was trying to think of an excuse to decline my invitation, but couldn't come up with a reasonable one. He probably could have said that his father wanted him home that night, since it was Christmas, but I did tell him he could invite his family along too..."

"Allen wouldn't have considered that excuse. I doubt, if he was worried, that that sort of lie would have crossed his mind." said Miranda

"Why's that?" asked Krory

"Because Allen doesn't have a father. His father died a long time ago. He lives with his guardian, Marian Cross. I think Mr. Cross is his godfather or something, because the two certainly don't look anything alike. They can't be related by blood." explained Miranda.

"But... But... He never told me that!" said Krory

"Maybe he thought it wasn't important, or the subject never really came up. It's the same with me, I mean, I don't have parents either. It's just me and Komui." Lenalee smiled

"What? Really? Why didn't you tell me?" asked Krory, surprised by the news. It seemed like Miranda was the only one here who wasn't an orphan.

"Just what I said. It's not all that important and the subject never really came up. I didn't really think about it, to be honest." said Lenalee

"Oh." said Krory.

Komui cleared his throat, "So Miranda, what else can you tell us about Allen? He was painfully shy, introverted, and daydreamed a lot. What else did he do? That was so different from now, I mean. Or what does he do now that is different from then? If that question is easier." he said, trying to get back on the previous subject.

"Well, now, he speaks out a lot more and doesn't seem afraid to voice his opinions. He has a little life in his eyes now, where there wasn't any before. He looks more relaxed than he used to, and I'm glad for that. Living in anxiety is not very comfortable, I might add." said Miranda, "And now he can actually look at someone when he needs to speak to them. He doesn't stare at his shoes or the floor. He is also much less polite than before. Back then, when he did speak, it was always so formal and polite that it was almost sickening. A child shouldn't act that way, it was unnatural. I don't know why he acted the way he did, but he did. I'm almost positive he was picked on even more for acting differently than everyone else, once the others saw farther than his appearance." Miranda continued to explain.

"The final difference between the two, is his smile. It looks more genuine than it used to. When we were younger, whenever he smiled, he always did his best to make it look real, but I could tell it was forced. I don't think anyone other than me noticed because I was the only one who saw him get lost in his head. I had a different perspective than the rest. Now, his smile isn't a complete fake anymore. He looks much better than he did before." said Miranda

"I didn't think Allen was like that. He sounds terrible, before I mean. What could a little kid go through to end up like that? And how did he ever get past it enough to act like he does now?" asked Lenalee, half to herself, half to the others.

"I don't know. I only saw him once a week for an hour for two years. After that, I hadn't seen him again until tonight. I didn't think he'd recognize me, since I usually sat in the back and read a book." said Miranda

"Miranda, I'm glad you told us all this. We are concerned about our little white-haired friend because, and it's fairly obvious after knowing him a bit, that he's hiding something. Something very big, and he won't let anyone help him with it. We're looking for clues as to what it might be so that we can do something about it." explained Komui.

"I see. I understand. And I've been worried about him since I met him, but I knew that I couldn't do anything about it. And then I never apologized..." Miranda trailed off, tears beginning to form in her eyes.

"Shh, shh Miranda. You're helping him now, so you don't need to feel guilty. But I still don't understand, what exactly did you mean about his personality matching his costume?" asked Komui

"H-His costume was black and white. Black Allen, the despairing child Allen that I used to know, he didn't have any real happiness, but White Allen is the Allen you all know. The one who seems to be happy, or at least content most of the time, and smiles and tries for something in his life. The Black Allen-child never tried, he just let things happen to him, and made it through school with his barely turned on brain. He must be incredibly smart, because he always got perfect or near perfect, despite hardly paying attention to anything. I'm assuming that he was as unresponsive and inattentive to regular lessons in the same way that he was during the 'gifted' classes.

"That's the black and white part. As for the rest, he is unique, just as Lenalee said that his costume is, and the title, 'Crown Clown' suits him as well. He has always felt important, and though he probably hates it, people can't help but notice him and talk about him. He wants to be a kid, silly like a clown, but at the same time must keep appearances and act his role, the one he's given himself, like a king or other royalty. I think his costume was exactly like him, in any way that I can think of." explained Miranda

Miranda paused for a few seconds, "Oh no! I just said lots of things about Allen and I probably shouldn't have said anything. What if he finds out. You can't tell him! You can't! He's going to hate me when he finds out! I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry!" apologized Miranda, very quickly, somehow not tripping over any of the words.

"It's okay Miranda, it's fine. We won't tell him. We're just concerned. And you didn't say anything that has to do with his personal thoughts and feelings. You didn't betray privacy, you just commented on observations you'd made several years ago. You didn't nothing wrong. Thanks for sharing that with us." assured Komui

"Yes, thank you Miranda." said Lenalee

"Thanks." said Krory

Miranda started tearing up again, "N-No one e-e-ever th-thanks me for a-anyth-anything."

"Well we do. We're happy to. And we're happy to have you here." Komui smiled. He then heard footsteps coming back towards them. Komui started to laugh, "Ahahaha! Miranda, why didn't you tell us sooner! Allen really tried to juggle textbooks back then! And he dropped them all on his head! That's hilarious!" Komui said very loudly and enthusiastically. Better Allen think that they were telling tall tales about him than him find out what they were really discussing.

Allen walked into the room, "Not true! I never did that. Now who's the one spreading these false rumours about me, hm?" He glanced knowingly at Komui, who turned his head away, "Just for that, I think I'll drink _your_ hot chocolate." Allen said, smug grin on his face

"No fair! Lenalee, do something! Stop that evil boy from torturing your dear brother so!" whined Komui as he clutched at the bottom of Lenalee's coat, once again.

* * *

_November 2008_

The antics of the teenagers continued as normal, after changing out of costumes and into pyjamas. Allen even brought Timcampy out. Komui complained that, since Allen had Timcampy, he should be allowed one Komurin. His idea was shut down immediately. The fun continued until they had decided that bed was a good idea. By then, it was past three in the morning, and they were all hyper on the sugar of the hot chocolate. They all knew it would wear off soon, and so decided to head off to sleep.

Krory, fortunately, had warned Lenalee in advance about the very likely possibility of all of them staying the night, so they had all brought night clothes and Komui had had time to get used to the fact that Lenalee would be sleeping in another boy's house. In a bed that belonged to another boy (even if the boy wasn't in the same room or in the bed). Komui refused to allow this unless his precious Lenalee was in the same room as Miranda so that she'd be, at least a little, protected from the craziness that is teenage boys. It's not as though he rationally thought that either Krory or Allen would actually do or try anything, but his brotherly instincts overruled his reasoning capabilities, once again.

Krory had no problems with that and agreed immediately. Everyone else had their own rooms. Krory and Allen slept in their usual rooms, and Komui slept next door to the girls, protecting them even in sleep, or at least, that was the idea behind it. He wouldn't wake up if a bomb went off five feet away from him.

* * *

Allen didn't fall asleep right away. He felt more or less great after the evening that he'd had, but one small thing was nagging at his mind.

"Tim, what do you think they were really talking about when I walked in earlier? I mean, I don't _think_ it was tall tales about me in elementary school. I don't know what they would want to hide from me either though, at least, nothing that they wouldn't share with me if they've already shared it with each other. Each has something that they keep inside themselves, but if they share it with one, then why not the rest? Or why even leave one person out?

"I don't know Tim, maybe they were just telling tall tales, or maybe they were just talking innocent talk and Komui decided to prank me as I came in. It's not unlike him to do something like that. But Miranda was crying about something. Well, if I remember correctly, she cries a lot, especially when she thinks that something went wrong and it was her fault. Which is just about all the time. So I guess if she was crying, it doesn't really mean much of anything.

"I think I'm over-thinking this. I do tend to do that, over-think things. Someday, I bet this thinking is going to drive me crazy. I hope I don't end up doing something stupid and regrettable, like kissing Lenalee or something. If Komui found out, I'd not live another five seconds.

"But that won't happen. At least, I'm pretty sure it won't. I'm Ace, so there shouldn't be anything to worry about, at least nothing in the romance and physical kissing-and-beyond area. I hope nothing happens, but I guess I won't be too surprised if something does.

"Well, I can't do anything about that. Qué será será. Karma may be a bitch, but only to those who deserve it, and if anything bad happens, it's all because I was thinking too much in the first place. Can't blame anyone but me for that. Right Tim?" Allen smiled at his stuffed friend.

Allen let out a huge yawn, and stretched his arms over his head, "I guess that means I'm tired, eh Tim? Time for bed, even if I woke up eight to nine hours ago. All the exhausting work from before, plus the party, I'm tuckered out. Goodnight Time, I'll see you in the morning."

And with that, Allen drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry about making Miranda OOC for a bit there, but information needed to be spread, and gossip needs to be gossiped. Please don't be too annoyed. Anyways, hope you all liked it, and let me know what you think! Thanks once again to any readers out there. =) I'm glad there are people out there looking at the story.

Till next time,

- Shippo704


	16. Shopping Trip

**A/N**: Sorry it's a day late, and I swear it was going to be on time, but then sleep got in the way. Anyways, here it is, so enjoy!

**Warning**: angst, language, more fluff. I think that's all.

* * *

**Shopping Trip**

* * *

_November 2008_

The next morning, once everyone was awake and fed, the antics continued. They had all done their homework before the party because they knew that they wouldn't want to leave or do homework after they'd left. The assumption was all too correct. The four guests didn't leave the castle until nine that evening, and only because they had school tomorrow and Miranda's parents had called, concerned for her. Since it was late, Komui drove them all home, Allen first since he was closest, then Miranda because she lived a neighbourhood away from Lenalee and himself.

Back at his house, Allen was incredibly tired. It had been several long days. On the plus side, all of his homework was finished, Krory had a good time, and he could still remember all of the Prime Ministers. Perfect. Absolutely and completely perfect. Except for once small thing. Allen's damn emotions that kept ruining everything good that he felt.

The party went so well! I mean, you were there Tim, you saw it all. It was flawless. Except maybe when I saw Miranda, but that was unexpected, and the shock got me a little. I bet no one noticed it. And Miranda probably hardly remembers me at all. I always sat in the back, and I never talked or did anything special, or different, or anything. I only talked to her once or twice to tell her to stop apologizing and that she wasn't in the wrong and all that. I was polite, I was nice, and that's all that she should know. And that Cross is my guardian, because we each had to talk about our parents once, and Cross is the only one I could tell about in enough detail. I don't remember Mana as well as was needed for the assignment, since I was four when I last saw him. It's not my fault.

But that's it. Nothing else. She wouldn't have noticed me doing anything other than that. So I'm safe. She couldn't have said anything. Even if I was thinking that maybe they were talking about me in secret, they couldn't have gotten any new information. It's not possible, because they don't know anything and Miranda knows even less because I've shown more to all of them recently than to her in the several years in elementary school. Hah! I'm safe! And Krory won't say the one thing that he knows that the others don't because he's so nice! Hah! Hahaha! I can't believe that I'm safe.

But these damn emotions. They are what makes me afraid. I hate it! There isn't any good reason for this! I shouldn't be afraid of people who have only ever been nice to me. It doesn't make any sense at all! Why is my brain so stupid? Why can't it just be normal and think the normal way that normal people do? I wish it was normal. But maybe it's only not normal because I'm around these people all the time. I mean, it's sending me signals that say to fear them, so maybe it's like a message to say "Stay Away From These People" or something. It makes sense. My brain unconsciously picks up on something wrong with the human contact and socialization, meaning that I shouldn't do it. It's uncomfortable, meaning that it's probably wrong. So I just have to stop, or at least diminish, what I do with them. Less teasing, talking, interacting, etcetera. It'll work. I just need to make my mask harder and dim my emotions a little more. It's good practice for when I shut them off all together. I can't do it yet, but I'll be able to some day. And on that day, my troubles will be gone because I won't have these stupid emotions getting in the way anymore.

Or I'll have been in the ground awhile. Either way is good with me, I don't really care. I don't know if I want to die so badly as I just don't want to live. And thinking these things after such a good weekend, what the hell is wrong with me? With my brain? I'm such a fuckup. I can't even get the mood right, and it's supposed to be natural to humans, feeling the right emotion at the right time. Not only do I hate having emotions, but I can't even feel the correct ones at the correct times. And I can't change the one that I'm feeling either. I can't just say, 1...2...3... Happy! Because that would be a real easy solution too. But I can't do that. All I can do is turn the intensity up and down to a point. I can't turn it all the way off yet, but I can get it down to 10% or 15%. Low enough to not hurt so much.

But that's not good enough. I need to get to 0%. That way, I can live. But I don't really want to do that, so what's the point? I don't know. This train of thought will just go in endless circles. Over and over and over, looping and looping and looping, not ending. Circling thoughts, like pedalling a bicycle. Cycling thoughts. It's just like Ned Vizzini wrote. I did enjoy _It's Kind Of A Funny _Story and I always thought I could sort of relate to Craig. But I'm not depressed. I'm not insane and I don't need a freaking hospital. Wanting to die does not equate depressed* and I am most certainly not depressed in the slightest. Or crazy. There isn't anything wrong with me, I just have a hard time with the stupid things called emotions. And I need to kill them before they kill me. Survival of the fittest, right? I'll kick those emotions asses before they kick mine, but they're already kind of kicking mine, so what's the point? It's a hopeless fight for a hopeless cause.

I am a hopeless cause. I can't even picture what school will be like tomorrow even though I know that, logically, it will be just like any other day with differences in conversation and class material. I can't picture myself there, though picturing the past is easy. Picturing the past from across the room from where I was standing is easy. Picturing the future, I draw a blank. Nothing comes to mind. Not where I'll go, who I'll talk to. I know the answers in my mind, I do have some form of intelligence, even if I don't have much, but I can't visualize it. According to the Beck hopelessness scale, it means I'm hopeless. Not a happy thought, but I'm hardly ever happy anyways. No big difference.

But I should be happy right now. I just came back from a good party, where I was feeling good, and I was responsible before so I should be able to feel good now. But I can't. All the good feelings just disappeared when I got out of Komui's car and came up to the door. I'm such a hopeless wreck!

With that, Allen decided to stop thinking for the night. He showered and put on his sleep clothes. He picked up Tim and tucked the two of them in. With a sad sigh, he let tiredness take over and pull him into sleep. Even if it was a fitful sleep.

* * *

_November 2008_

It's the end of November and soon summatives will start and I haven't been able to bring myself to do homework for the last two weeks! What's wrong with me? I put it in front of me and I sit there, pencil in my hand, and I just can't make myself write out the solutions to the math problems on the table. At least I still understand what to do, so my marks haven't really dropped. But luck will only go so far. Soon enough there will be a concept that I need to practice, and I won't be able to because for some reason I can't make myself do the fucking homework!

It doesn't make any sense. It's like I have no motivation to do it, but I do have motivation, and that's simply to finish the damn homework so that I can understand the subject better, get better marks, get into a better school eventually, if I live that long, and eventually get a good job because I had a good education. If I live that long. Only another 28 days until Christmas. Then I can kill myself if I want to. I'll be fifteen, and right now, the world still sucks. I hate it and I hate me. There isn't a single good thing about me and there isn't anything that anyone would miss.

Except Lenalee. She told me that her friends are her world and that losing one is like a part of the world being destroyed. And she considers me part of that for some reason. I'd say she's lying, but Lenalee lying about something like that? I don't think it's possible. And under the circumstances, it seems too unlikely. Only a sociopath like Light Yagami from _Death Note_ could pull that off. And I'm not a sociopath. But I do agree, he had the right idea about killing off all of the terrible people in the world. If I only had a way to cause a heart attack and blame it on Kira... No! _Death Note_ is NOT the real world. I can't do that. And killing myself would only hurt Lenalee, and she wouldn't understand my reasons. She doesn't think the same way that I do, and what I say won't make any sense to her. To her, suicide is wrong and no one should do it, ever, for any reason. My philosophy is the opposite, so we're already at a disagreement. It won't work.

But when I kill myself, I won't actually have to live with the guilt or the aftermath. I'll at least make sure to pee first, before I do whatever I do to end my life. That way my body won't stink, at least. It'll make it easier for whichever sap finds my dead body. Unless it's death through high speed impact. It won't be too easy to clean up then.

But enough thinking about that. I've been spacing out for the last several minutes. Lenalee, Krory, and Miranda are going to notice soon.

Allen tuned back into the lunchtime conversation.

"-ting because she grew three new flowers in one night!" said Krory excitedly. He seemed happy about something to do with his flowers.

"Th-That sounds really great Krory! I-I'll have to c-come s-see it some t-time." stuttered Miranda, "Sorry!"

"Don't apologize! Stuttering is fine. You can't control it, and it happens to everyone. And you're always welcome at my castle." Krory said

"Th-Thanks." said Miranda, "Sorry!"

Lenalee sighed, and took over the role of comforting Miranda. The three seemed not to have noticed Allen's lack of conversation or attention while they were talking. That was just fine with him, so long as they didn't talk to him about it later. And if they didn't notice, then they wouldn't be talking. He smiled slightly. At least there was one good thing today.

* * *

_December 2008_

Only 17 days. 17 days until Christmas, until my birthday, until the day I was adopted, until the day I was given a name, until the say that I met Mana, until the day that Mana died, until the day that it was my fault that Mana died...

I HATE FUCKING CHRISTMAS! There isn't anything good about that day unless you're religious, naive, a child, or too innocent for your own good. I'm not any of those things anymore. Well, maybe I'm naive, but not in this subject. And it means that I need to get gifts. I never really had to buy gifts before, since Cross didn't celebrate, and I was too young when I was with Mana. I have to buy gifts. And that means I have to give them before I off myself. Or I can leave them with a suicide note, however stupid that concept may seem to me, and describe which package goes to which person. But that means effort, and I don't have any energy to put into effort. Ever since a week after the party, I just can't seem to make myself do things, but this time I have to. And I have to decide what to get before I drag myself out to pick it up. Damn!

Krory, I can't get him another plant because the only things alive right now are poinsettias and I gave him one last year as an apology/Christmas gift. It doesn't counts as a real Christmas gift because it was also an apology. Maybe I'll get him a good book. I heard about one, _Wizard's First Rule_. It looked pretty good, and he'd probably like it. It's something about smarts, and magic, and tests of will and all that. Good concepts, and maybe it'll put some more confidence into Krory, seeing the characters being brave and all. I hope he at least enjoys the adventure, anyways.

Lenalee, she seems like she'll be really into this whole spirit of Christmas thing. I'd better wrap up her gift with lots of red, green, and white and include plenty of ribbons and bows. Just for her. But what to get. That's the hard part. Something happy because she's always so happy and light and fluffy and bubbly and whatever girls are. Maybe a big stuffed animal? Or a stuffed Komurin! That'd be hilarious! And I think that Komui would approve. I'll find a place that does custom stuffed toys and get Komui to draw me a Komurin. Perfect.

And for Komui, what to do. He acts crazy like a little kid sometimes, but also really responsible and mature at other times. For him, maybe something like a Rubix cube? I can put one of those toys in with whatever I get him. He'll enjoy it to no end. And maybe he'll stop making Komurins temporarily, to at least give Lenalee some down time. But what can I get him? I know! As a joke, I'll find a book called _What To Do When Your Sister Gets A Boyfriend_ or something like that. It'll be great to see his reaction!

And lastly, Miranda. This is easy. I'll get her a book of tongue twisters. And some sort of small giftcard, maybe ten bucks at chapters or something. She likes books. And I agree with her, books are wonderful. People don't read enough of them. Maybe that's why three out of four friends are getting books... Hmm...

Anyways, that's all set. I know what I need to get for each of them, and I can do it this weekend. It'll turn out well. Or, as Shakespeare says in _Twelfth Night_, it will _fadge_ well. Oh old English, how you fascinate me sometimes, and annoy the hell out of me other times. Not a problem. I have a plan, and I have a timeline, and I am not going to let myself blow this off, if it means pinching myself and kicking myself all the way to and from the stores.

* * *

_December 2008_

That next weekend, was a nice weekend. The sun was shining, it wasn't too cold, and children were outside, happy and screaming while pelting each other with snowballs. But one boy was stuck inside, due to unfortunate circumstances that plagued him every winter.

"Achoo!" Allen sneezed. He hated colds, "Every damn winder. I hade dis! And id's da lasd weekend before Chrisdmas doo. I'm cold and I'm hod and my head hurds and I sdill have do go buy presends for everyone. And I dold (told) myself I'd pinch and kick myself dere (there) and back if I had doo, so I will. Id doesn'd madder if I feel like shid, I godda go anyways. And id's nod as bad as id normally is, so dad's (that's) a plus. I should make id dere (there) and back in no dime (time), no problems."

He made his way to the bus stop since he really didn't feel like walking, or that he could make it to the stores without falling asleep in the middle of the sidewalk. He had motivation to go out, just not a lot of energy. On the plus side, Allen could pick of everyone's gifts in the same mall, and get wrapping paper while he was there. He didn't think it would be too bad, but he had forgotten that it was the weekend before Christmas. The same weekend that half of the people in the town go to do their Christmas shopping. The mall was loud, bright, and very stimulating to the sensitive nerves in Allen's eyes and ears. Soon after arriving, he decided that his first stop would be the drugstore to get some Tylenol.

That taken care of, the next stop would be Chapters. Since he was getting books for three of them, he decided that it would be easiest to get them all first. And Chapters is a nice store. It's quiet, for the most part, so he could take his time there until the Tylenol started to work it's way through his system. He didn't particularly like medicines, but he triple checked the ingredients, possible side effects, and instructions before he took any of it. Even then, he only took a child's dose, just in case. With that taken care of, he wandered over to the adult fantasy section to pick up Krory's book, since he figured that it would be the easiest to find.

It turns out that it was very easy to find. It's a popular title, and a big book, so it stood out pretty well on the shelf. He figured that tongue twisters would be the next easiest, so he looked around for those. After a little searching, he found one that seemed appropriate for Miranda. It was going to be funny, seeing the look on her face when she opened it. Last, he had to find a book for Komui about sisters and their boyfriends. He ended up asking one of the workers, much to his embarrassment since he couldn't speak as clearly at the moment, and the employee pointed him to the right section. Allen found a funny looking one in the section for people with anxiety problems. He figured that it suited Komui quite well, since he was threatening ninth graders that hadn't met his sister before about how he would slowly roast them alive with his Komurins for trying to date her. He had some sort of obsession with her, and figured that a book from the mental health section fit the situation.

"Arright. Nexd is eider (either) da Rubix cube or da sduffie (stuffie). Well, dere's (there's) a Buck Or Dwo righd nexd door, so I can ged a Rubix cube and some gifd wrap dere (there) and- Achoo!- some Kleenex's and den look for a doy sdore (toy store). I've god a plan, so led's go." Allen thought to himself aloud.

He made his way to the dollar store and bought what he needed. The Kleenex's were a great relief, even if it was only a small pocket pack. He just had to go to the toy store at the end of the mall and get some sort of toy for Lenalee. The Komurin idea was out because he can't draw and he didn't get a picture from Komui. An animal would have to make due. He decided that he'd figure out which animal he liked best when he got there, so he started the trek across the mall. Allen hoped that he'd be able to decide quickly because the was starting to run low on energy.

On the way to the toy store, Allen glanced up. His eyes sparkled, and he knew that the toy store was no longer necessary. In a shop window was a big plushie Kirby. It was big, puffy, cute, and looked soft and fluffy. And it's pink because it's Kirby. Even if she doesn't know who Kirby is, and she probably does because it's freaking Kirby, she'll still like the cuteness and fluffiness and pink-ness of it. Absolutely perfect.

Allen went into the store, purchased the Kirby, and headed straight for the bus stop. He was happy, with his arms full of shopping bags, and he was fully expecting to just get on the bus and go home. But since when do his plans every turn out as expected? He wasn't paying attention to where he was going and bumped into a tall Asian man with long black hair, glasses, and an annoying (and dangerous) sister complex.

"Allen! I didn't expect to see you here today? What's this? Presents? For my Lenalee? Oh you shouldn't have. _Especially if this makes her fall in love with you forever, I will never forgive you._ But seriously, finishing up your Christmas shopping?" Komui asked in a friendly voice.

Allen's head was swimming trying to keep up with that overflow of information. He was happy that everything was in opaque bags, "Wha? Liddle doo fasd Komui (Little too fast Komui). And I'm on my way home now. I'm not making Lenalee love me, don' worry 'boud dad (about that). Godda go home now. Bye." Allen said, trying to walk away from the man. All of a sudden there was a hand on his shoulder. Allen gave out a small yelp and jumped away from the hand.

"Wait Allen! Oh, I didn't mean to scare you, I'm sorry. I just wanted to stop you from walking away." Komui said. He placed a hand on Allen's forehead, seeing that Allen was sick. His eyes widened at the touch, "Allen you have a fever. You shouldn't be out and about. I can take you home." Komui offered.

"I'm going home righd no- Achoo!- righd now. Id's okay." Allen said, trying to smile his way out of this. He pulled out a Kleenex and used it, "Don' worry 'boud me. Jusd do your shopping." Allen turned to walk away once again, but stumbled over his own feet. He was a bit dizzy from turning around too quickly.

Komui helped him regain his balance, "I can just come back out here afterwards. I'm going to take you home Allen. I don't want you falling in front of a car or anything and hurting yourself. Or even worse, passing out on the sidewalk. You don't look very good at all." Komui was quite concerned.

"Id's noding (nothing). I made id here, I make id back do house." Allen's grammar just died, but he continued to smile his innocent and polite smile.

"It's not nothing, you can't even speak properly. And you won't smile your way out of this one, young man." said Komui quite sternly and almost sounding like a mother, while grabbing Allen's free wrist, the one that wasn't holding shopping bags, "I'm taking you home now whether you like it or not." Komui pulled Allen toward the parking lot with surprisingly little resistance from the stubborn young boy. While he tried to act polite, he could be quite stubborn when it came to something that may inconvenience someone else. The lack of resistance was a little concerning.

"But Komui!" Allen started arguing, but his eyes started drooping and he forgot what he was about to argue. He just let Komui take him to wherever he was going, since he didn't think he could put up much of a fight anyways. He was tired.

The two got to the car, and Komui put Allen's bags in the trunk. Allen climbed into the passenger seat, and promptly fell asleep. Komui wasn't terribly surprised, but was quite relieved that he had found the younger boy before he'd tried to walk or bus back home. He may not have made it there if he was this tired out. Since Komui didn't have Allen's house keys and he didn't want to wake the boy, not that he thought Allen would wake up at this point, he drove Allen back to his own house. He carried the small boy into the house, but left the bags in the car. Allen's possessions weren't any of his business, and he'd be less likely to accidentally see them or get too curious if they were locked in the trunk, rather than in the house.

Allen took over the sofa in the living room where the two of them had talked that night in October. Komui was worried about Allen, so he got a bowl of cool water and a rag and put it on Allen's forehead. He figured the boy would be okay from then on, since he was just asleep, and he decided to go out to finish the shopping that he'd started. Lenalee would be back from Miranda's soon anyways, so she could make sure that Allen didn't run away on them when he woke up. And Lenalee knows how to help people when they're sick, since it's only the two of them. When either one gets sick, the other steps up, so Komui knew that Allen would be in good hands. With that little bit of reassurance, Komui left his house.

* * *

Allen groggily tried to open his eyes. The lights burned and his head was pounding like it was a timpani. His thoughts: Cool, my head is a timpani.

"Brother! Allen's awake!" said a high pitch voice. It hurt his ears a little.

"Shh Lenalee, he probably has a headache, so use quieter and lower tones if you can." said a soft and deeper voice.

"Oops. Sorry Allen." the high voice softened. It was better than before.

"I've got some soup leftover from dinner already heating for him. Just get him to sit up." said the low voice. Allen couldn't remember where he was, but he figured opening his eyes all the way might help.

He opened them and recognized the Lee's house. "Why am I here?" asked Allen

"Komui picked you up from the mall and you fell asleep on the way back to your house. Since we don't have keys, he brought you here. Now sit up and we can get you something to eat, okay?" said Lenalee softly.

"Okay." Allen agreed. He wasn't really hungry, but he knew that eating was good for him so he'd grin and bear it. He tried to sit up, but it was a bit harder than he'd thought. Maybe the trip to the mall wasn't such a good idea if it had worn him out this much. His head started beating much harder when he managed to get up. From a forte to a fortissimo. Lenalee put a pillow behind him to help, "Thanks Lenalee." he said tiredly, still trying to wear his mask smile. He was grateful, but didn't feel up to a real smile at the moment.

"No problem. We have some vegetable soup for you here. Eat up! And I hope you like it." Lenalee said as she went to retrieve the soup. She came back and handed it to him. He ate at the rate of a regular person, for once, and managed to finish the soup. His energy was spent.

"Can I go back do sleep now? I'm dired." Allen yawned, his eyes falling closed again.

"Sure thing." Lenalee said. She removed the pillow and brought up the blanket. Allen was already out.

* * *

Allen woke up the next morning and all he could think was _Cold!_ He didn't have any blankets on and he was damp, almost like sweat, but it didn't smell bad. He reached around for a blanket, but his search was fruitless. He decided to lay there until Lenalee or Komui came around.

Komui came down very shortly after to make breakfast. He saw Allen shivering in a ball on the sofa.

"Allen! You should have just come and woken one of us up! Are you feeling any better this morning?" asked Komui

"I-I-I'm c-cold. A-And I'm w-wet." Allen said through chattering teeth.

"We had to wet you a little to bring your fever down, and the blankets weren't helping, so we took them away." Komui put a hand to Allen's forehead, "But it seems to have broken now, so I'll find you a towel and a blanket." Komui said. He came back shortly with both items.

"Th-Thanks K-Komui" Allen shivered, still doing his best to make the smile.

"Don't try to make that smile and pretend that you're okay when you're clearly not doing so hot Allen." said Komui firmly, then looking thoughtful for a second, "At least not anymore."

Allen snorted a little, "Ha. You're funny." He said with a little sarcasm in his voice. He wasn't really into it.

"I know I am, that's why Lenalee loves me so much." said Komui, deciding to ignore the sarcasm and take it as a compliment, "Are you feeling better that last night?"

"Yeah, I am." Allen said. He swung his legs off the couch to go to stand up, but Komui's hands pushed him back down, "I was going to help you make breakfast, since you took care of me. It's the least I can do."

"No you aren't. You're a guest right now. That means that _I_ will make _you_ breakfast, capiche?" said Komui

"Okay, fine." said Allen, a little disappointed, "But I will pay you back sometime, you hear?"

"If you say so, Allen." Komui said, walking towards the kitchen to prepare food. As he went into the kitchen, Lenalee came downstairs.

"Allen! You're up! It's good to see you, and you look much better than yesterday. The sleep and veggie soup must have helped a lot. Are you ready for breakfast? Brother makes a mean batch of waffles." Lenalee rambled, happy to see Allen.

"G-Good morning Lenalee." Allen stuttered, a little flustered by her energy and happy bubbliness, "That all sounds good." he said.

"I knew you'd approve." she said, sitting on the couch next to him and beaming.

"But I really need to get going as soon as breakfast is done. School's over, but there's still Christmas to plan for and it's only a few days away, after all." Allen said.

"But do you need to leave so soon? We can hang out, or talk or do anything." said Lenalee, closing her eyes to smile. Allen thought he caught a brief glimpse of hurt in her eyes, but he figured that she just really didn't want him to leave. He wasn't 100% yet, but he was feeling okay.

"Yeah, I've got lots of stuff to take care of in the next couple of days," one of which is getting some more money, although I'll be old enough to get a part time job in a few days, "so I need to go as quickly as possible." said Allen, hoping that she'd take his excuse.

"Okay. But you'll at least have to wait until the laundry is done. Komui changed your shirt and pants with some of his old stuff since you had sweated through yours. Don't worry, he left you with your own underwear." Lenalee smiled, trying to make light of the situation.

Allen looked down at his clothes. He realized that they weren't his. Oh. He was wearing an old gray t-shirt of Komui's and some black pants that were much too long for him, "I guess that's okay then. I can wait for an hour or two. It's not too urgent." and no one will be in the bars until the afternoon anyways.

Then Allen realized that he was wearing a t-shirt. Yes, he'd noticed before, but now he understood the implication. The two could see his arm. His left arm. They knew what it looked like. Maybe they were scared of him. Maybe they thought that he was a freak and a monster. Maybe they would steal his clothes and kick him out. Maybe-

"Allen? Why do you look so nervous all of a sudden?" Lenalee asked, a bit of worry etched on her face.

"I-I-I-" Allen stammered, "You can see my arm." he said quickly. He realized just after that if they could see his arms, that they also probably saw his scars. He hoped that they wouldn't try to talk about them. And Komui probably saw the cuts on his legs and the rest of the scars on his body from when Earl and Road and Tyki and Cross...

"Yes, we can see your arm. Is there something wrong with that?" asked Lenalee innocently.

"But... But nobody sees my arm. It's cursed. I'm cursed. I can't let anyone see it. They'll think that I'm weird, a freak. You'll think I'm a monster." said Allen, starting to give into his anxiety, his breathing increasing.

"But I don't think that at all." said Lenalee, reaching to grab Allen's left hand, "It works just like a normal arm and a normal hand. It just looks a little different, but there's nothing wrong with that. I look different from you and Miranda and Krory. My skin is a different colour, but there's nothing wrong with that, is there? It's still normal human skin, and it still works the same. It doesn't make me a monster, and your arm doesn't make you one either. And besides, it's really soft." said Lenalee, once again smiling at her friend.

Allen teared up a little bit, "I-It's soft?" he asked

"It sure is. It's very nice." Lenalee said softly. Komui watched the two from the door, half of him wanting to let them be and let Allen think through this obvious mental barrier of his, and the other half of him wanting to run over there and rip Allen's hand away from the hand of his precious little sister. Fortunately, he opted for the former.

Allen let the tears fall down his face, a little ashamed of the mess he was making. He pulled Lenalee into a tight hug, "No one has ever told me something like that before. Something good about my hand. And I think it feels kind of nice." Allen said, letting tears drip onto her shoulder. Lenalee hugged back, "Thanks Lenalee."

Lenalee felt happy that Allen was finally opening up, if even this tiny little bit. It's progress, at least. She figured he mustn't be used to hearing anything nice at all if something as small as what she'd just said made him cry. She felt sad for the loneliness that me must feel most of the time, but was happy that he had started to trust her a little bit.

The two sat on the couch, hugging for a few minutes, when Komui decided that they'd finished their friendly heart-to-heart talk. Allen had had his comfort, now it was time to let the other half of him take over.

"Allen! What are you doing with my precious Lenalee! Is this how you repay my kindness? By stealing her away from me? Are you two going to run away from me? Or elope? I can't stand to think of it!" Komui said in a silly, whining voice as he pushed the two apart, "Don't leave me, Lenalee." he cried into Lenalee's knees.

"Stop it brother, it was a friendly hug. And you're getting my knees wet. Stop it!" Lenalee said, frustrated.

Komui laughed and hugged both of the teenagers, "I'm glad you two are getting along this well. _Just make sure you stay friends or else._"Komui warned Allen, "'Kay? But I'm glad you two are talking so well." He said warmly.

Allen chuckled a little bit when he heard Komui's warning. Komui and Lenalee gave him a questioning look. Allen replied, "I'm Ace. You don't have to worry about a thing, Komui. You too, I guess Lenalee, though I'm not the type of person to do anything like that anyways."

Komui chuckled a little, "So many secrets from you today, Allen. You sure you're okay, because you're normally shut as tight as a lock."

"It's not something that I spread around, but I don't care if people know my sexuality. In this day and age, everyone's a little gay or a little lesbian, whether or not they admit it. There are probably plenty of people who will say I'm lying, gay, or afraid of sex, and they can think what they want, for all I care, but most people are pretty accepting of this stuff, so I don't care if people know that I'm asexual, I just don't see the need to spread it around. I guess it's sort of the same as you two with your situation." Allen said.

"Yeah, I can understand that." said Lenalee, "But what's it like? Being Ace?"

"Lenalee! Are you really this interested in sexual things? Oh dear god, kill me now!" Komui said, overdramatically.

Allen chuckled again, "I doubt He'd grant that wish Komui."

Komui stopped for a second, concern in his eyes, but he decided to roll with it and bring this subject up another time, "You're probably right. He created us, humans, so why would He kill us off so easily, eh?" Komui joked.

There was no response to that, but Komui wasn't really expecting one. He took that as his cue to serve the waffles. They'd been done for a bit, and were sitting in the over to keep warm. After the breakfast, Komui insisted on driving Allen back home, since Allen insisted that he needed to go back home before the afternoon. Allen retrieved his clothes, redressed, and got into Komui's car. He still felt a little lightheaded, and his thoughts felt slow, but other than that, he didn't feel too bad. He was still a little sick.

Komui drove Allen back, and got the bags out of the trunk without peeking inside. He was quite curious, but he knew better than to pry. Allen took his stuff inside, thanked Komui, then shut the door as the older man left. The drive back had tired Allen out, even if he was just sitting and looking out the window.

"Hey Tim," Allen greeted Timcampy, "I hope you didn't miss me too much. I didn't mean to stay away from you for so long, but I guess I wasn't thinking straight when I left. Komui picked me up at the mall and took me to his house since I wasn't in very good condition to get back myself. And I'm still really tired. I think I'm gonna get the money tomorrow. I still have a couple days till Christmas and I won't spend up my savings for the next few days at least, so I'll do that tomorrow. Today, I just want to shower and sleep. Does that sound like a good plan, Tim?"

Allen went to take a nice hot shower. It felt good on his skin, and he started thinking.

"Y'know what, Tim? Lenalee said something to me earlier. She said that my arm wasn't freaky. It was just different, like genetic variation or something. She doesn't know what happened to it, but she said that it's okay to have something different about me. And she said that my hand was soft..." Allen trailed off. He took a few more minutes, then stepped out of the shower, bone tired. He collapsed on his bed.

"Tim, I may not really want to live, but what Lenalee said, I feel like it's something I can hold onto, maybe. It's hard to feel as bad as normal when my brain is all muddled and not working 100%, but if one person can see me as okay, can other people?

"It's only one person, or maybe three if you count Komui and Krory, against the hundreds who've told me that I'm a freak or a monster and that I deserve to die for having a wicked arm, but I can't help but fell a pull towards those three people who differ from the norm. It pulls and it almost hurts a little, but in a good way. I don't know what to think about this.

"And another question that I need to answer, is am I gonna die in a few days time? I'll be fifteen. I'll be old enough for a job, I'll have survived one more year, and it's the day that I allowed myself to die, should I still feel it a satisfactory need. It'll be a tough decision, for sure. I wanted to die until this morning, I was convinced that I'd just knock myself off, I've even had a hard time focusing on anything else, so proves my unfinished homework. But now I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to die? Or do I want to wait until the urge is greater. I don't feel and real urge to kill myself now, but they'll probably return once I get better. Once I can think straight again, if I really do think straight.

"I usually think of most people thinking in straight lines, taking the normal, easy, direct route to the solution to the problem. They think one way, usually the simplest way, but always the easiest way. It's easier to go between mountains than over them, even if going over them is more direct. Most people think in the simplest way, and form common solutions and answers. I think differently. I may pass through all the same logic-thinking waypoints as most people, but I take a wavier, curvier, more scribbled route. I associate everything with everything else while I think, and I guess it's distracting sometimes. I think about things that aren't always completely related or relevant on the way to the solution, but will half the time end up with a better understanding of the solution. It's different, and maybe that's how I got stuck on these thoughts. I associate suicide with something random that happens all the time, I'm not aware of it, and then the thoughts just pop up all the time without me knowing a specific trigger.

"I don't know if that theory makes sense, but I do have one piece of evidence that might go to support that theory. When I get sick, I don't think so much. Whether it's just that I think less, or that I don't have the energy to think with as much deviation as normal, my thinking tends to follow a similar pattern to that of most people. It goes to the simplest, easiest route and hits whatever points are necessary, and those ones only.

"Maybe I'm thinking too hard, but I don't think I'm going to die in a few days. I guess Lenalee 'saved' me there, if that's what you want to call it. I don't call it saving, just delaying. I still can't see a future for myself, but I can't see myself dying in a couple days either. But I guess that's looking for a future, so I don't know if it really counts...

"I don't think I'll kill myself yet. I'll wait. I'll see what happens. I don't really want to live, but right now, I can't think of a reason to die because there's one person out there who accepts my arm and doesn't hate me. At least not yet. She probably will eventually, but I think I'll just enjoy the feeling of safety for now. When that disappears, I guess I can die without regrets.

"Sound like a good plan to you Tim?" Allen asked

Tim gave his usual silent response.

"I agree. But for now, I'm tired. And I need to sleep of this damn cold. Get back to 100%. Can't mourn Mana's death without all my mind there, now can I?" Allen said with a biting tone. He didn't like thinking about Mana's death, but it was inevitable, "I just gotta get myself working again, then I'll deal with all this. Tomorrow I'll wrap up the gifts, get some money, and pick up some job applications. That way I won't have to do so many money runs, and people won't get suspicious later on. They'll find out eventually that Cross is gone, I just hope that I can delay that as long as possible.

"But no thinking about that. No more thinking. I'm tired. And I just wanna go sleep." Allen finished.

He let himself doze off, giving in to his body's need for rest, hoping that he will feel better when he wakes up.

* * *

*While suicidal ideation is common in people with Major Depressive Disorders, as well as other mental disorders, and while some do classify suicidal thoughts as a symptom of depression, among other disorders, this alone is not actually enough to classify someone as depressed. It's usually a strong sign to indicate that a person might be depressed, but the thoughts alone do not mean that the person has depression. The same as being hyper, overstimulated, and distractable doesn't mean that a person has ADHD. A disorder is not classified by one thing only, but it can be an indication if there are other signs/symptoms to go with it.

**A/N**: Over 7,000 words! (is very happy) I hope you liked it, just let me know if you think otherwise, or agree, or are neutral, or anything. And thanks for reading, to anyone still out there. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	17. The Day I Got Everything

**A/N**: So I did the last chapter, and found a new website right after, while my mind was still thinking about everything in the last chapter. It's a good forum website, and it made me feel less alone than I've felt... probably ever. Finally a sense of belonging. But enough of my drabble. The story is what you want.

**Warning**: angst, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, kinda-not-really language

* * *

**The Day I Got Everything**

* * *

_December 2008_

The day after returning from his forced visit to Komui's house, Allen did exactly what he'd planned. He woke up feeling pretty good, maybe not 100% yet, but better than the last few days. He took the morning to wrap up all the gifts he'd bought for his friends. Nothing special, just plain red paper, no ribbons, frills, or laces. He took a black marker and wrote each of their names on the packages. Satisfied, he made lunch and began preparations for his afternoon activities.

Allen packed up his backpack, took a couple hundred dollars, and headed out. A few hours later, he returned with $4688 in his bag, and applications for Loblaws, Tim Hortons, McDonalds, Subway, and Wal-Mart. Between the five applications, he figured at least one place would accept. If they didn't call him back, he could just fill out some more applications or try elsewhere.

With that in mind, he began filling out the applications he had. He had finished three and was a little ways into the fourth when the phone began to ring.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

Allen picked up the phone, "Hello, residence of Marian Cross and Allen Walker, Allen speaking."

"Allen! I said before, no need to sound so formal! It's Lenalee. I'm just calling to check up on you, see how you're doing. Are you doing alright?" asked Lenalee

"Yeah, I'm doing just fine Lenalee. Much better than the last couple of days, thanks. And how are you doing?" asked Allen.

"Oh, I'm doing just great! Everything is going really well, and brother is finally getting some decent sleep! I've been nagging him to do that for the last week or so, but he wouldn't listen. Ah well, as is per usual for him, I suppose. Oh yeah! I almost forgot. I had another reason I was calling you." said Lenalee.

"Oh? And what is it?" asked Allen, a little curious now.

"I was calling to invite you over for a Christmas party here. From Christmas Eve dinner to whenever the next day. Krory hosts all the parties, and I figured we could give him a break for a change. It's not fair to just leave it all to him, plus hosting is fun. He can't take all the fun all the time, now can he?" Lenalee said, sounding very happy

"Oh, um, okay. Sure, I'll be there. Sounds like it'll be loads of fun." Allen said, trying his best to sound enthusiastic. He didn't have quite enough energy after all he'd done that day.

"You sure you're okay Allen? Because you don't sound too happy or anything right now." Lenalee asked, noticing the slight lack of emotion in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine Lenalee, just tired." replied Allen, trying to stifle a yawn. He was more tired than he'd let himself think.

"Well then you'd better get to bed. Right now! You tend to overdo it a lot, and it isn't good for your health. Promise me you'll go to sleep soon Allen?" Lenalee asked.

"I don't overdo it. I just do what anyone would do, and live up to what's expected. I'm not in perfect health now, but that has nothing to do with working too hard. And I still have a couple of job applications to fill out. Then dinner. If it makes you feel better, I'll relax after that, and maybe try to sleep. I'll at least be in bed by ten or so, is that alright with you?" Allen said, in a slight mocking tone. Lenalee was acting like she was his parent or something.

"I guess that's fine, I mean, you don't actually have to listen to what I say, I'm not your mom or anything." Ah, so she noticed, "But what do you mean by 'job applications,' and why didn't you tell me you were looking for a job! I could've looked for one with you, or helped or something. And when did you pick them up? Tell me about it." Lenalee demanded, in a friendly way.

"Oh, I picked them up this afternoon when I was out doing errands and getting my exercise. After Christmas, I'll be fifteen, so I'll be able to get a job. I want to get one as soon as possible. I haven't handed them in yet, so if you want to hand them in at the same time, just pick some up yourself, and we'll hand them in together. I got applications from Loblaws, Tim's, McD's, Subway, and Wal-Mart, if any of those interest you." said Allen.

"Wait, you did errands _and_ exercised today? How long did you do that for?" Lenalee asked, suspicious of Allen.

"Um, well, the errands took a couple hours, and I was probably running for another hour to get home on top of that, plus running between places, so maybe four hours at the most?" Allen said, a little uneasy by Lenalee's previous tone.

"ALLEN WALKER! Why on earth would you even THINK of doing something like that!" her suspicions were confirmed, "You were terribly sick just two days ago and now you're doing crazy amounts of running? On top of errands! And doing a whole bunch of other work that I'm sure you're doing but not telling me about! And homework too! You're going to make yourself sick again! Look out for yourself for once! This is what I meant about overdoing it. You're doing too much. You should just ask someone to help you out a bit next time." Lenalee said, a bit annoyed at Allen's stupidity.

"But there wasn't anything I needed help with, and it would only be a trouble to anyone I asked. Besides, I'm fine and I got it all done. There's nothing to worry about." Allen said, adding a smile to his tone to try to convince Lenalee. It didn't really work.

"If you say so Allen." Lenalee said, a little coldly. It was clear that she didn't believe it and had some unvoiced objections to his statements, "I'll pick up applications tomorrow, I guess. Don't hand them in until I've finished, you hear?" She asked

"No problem. I can't hand them in until after my birthday anyways. I would hand them in the day of, but everything will be closed. So if the applications are done by the party, we can hand them in on boxing day." said Allen, trying to bring the subject away from him a little, and make Lenalee a bit happier.

"Wait, is your birthday on Christmas?" Lenalee asked, now very curious.

"Um, yeah it is. I guess I didn't mention that before, hm? Why did you want to know?" asked Allen, interested in what she was going to say. He was partially deafened temporarily.

"ALLEN! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SOONER! I WAS GOING TO-" Lenalee cut herself off, "Why didn't you tell me sooner? Then we could celebrate! And isn't a birthday something that you always celebrate with friends?" asked Lenalee

"Oh, um, I guess so. I don't know really, I haven't tried that before. Haha." Allen laughed a little, trying to keep the mood light.

"You mean you haven't celebrated your birthday before?" asked Lenalee, a little concern making its way into her voice.

"Not since I was too young to remember." Allen lied, he just didn't want to remember right now, "And I did spend some time at Krory's last year on Christmas, but circumstances weren't really on our side. Not much Christmas joy happening between the two of us." Allen said, still trying to sound happier while fighting off another yawn.

"Oh, okay. And you sound really tired. Get some rest, okay Allen?" said Lenalee, still concerned.

"Got it." said Allen.

"I'll get the applications done. And I'll see you in a couple days!" said Lenalee as she hung up the phone.

"That was a very long call. Longest I've ever had I think. Anyways, two more applications, food, then sleep. I'm so tired." Allen yawned, "I think I'll just go straight to sleep."

Allen finished the applications, made and ate dinner, then headed up to bed. He fell asleep quickly, despite the hour being as early as it was. He couldn't remember the last time he'd fallen asleep before nine o'clock.

* * *

_December 23 2008_

Only a day left until the Christmas party. Not very long at all. For some reason, Allen felt anxious. He figured it was due to the stress of impending social situations. Being the introvert that he is, these parties tend to make him feel uneasy and/or scared.

At least he had the applications done. That was the good part about the current situation. And the gifts were wrapped and labelled properly. That was the other good part. The only thing left to do before tomorrow was kill time, and Allen hated killing time. Killing time meant that he would start thinking, and if he started thinking, it would lead to bad places. If it led to bad places, he wasn't sure if he would still want to live long enough to hand in his job applications. Not that any place would be willing to hire him until March or so, because that's how these places worked, but he figured that if he lived long enough to hand it in, he'd better see the application process through, at least. It was only three days. Then he'd be stuck for another couple months.

"Not necessarily," All thought aloud, "because I might not even receive any calls back. Many teenagers look for jobs in these places, so it's not very likely that someone like me will get a job at all. Not when there are normal-looking people out there, and with the same or better qualifications and higher grades. There isn't any reason why one of these places would want to hire me in the first place." Allen started depressing himself.

"Maybe I just shouldn't apply at all. It's not like I expect to live much longer anyways, even if Lenalee says that my arm is... soft... or wants to work with me. I don't think I can do this. It hurts too much, and my heart starts beating vivace just thinking about being in a store and dealing with people. Hell, just thinking about having a job at all sends it into rapid-fire.

"But maybe it's just the time of year. Maybe I won't feel this way after Christmas. After the worst is over, I can get back to normal, and I hopefully won't be so scared anymore. No one would hire a fraidy-boy to do a job, even a simple one like a checkout person, or a server at McDonalds. No one would want someone like me. There's just no way. I'd be bad for their business and I'd probably suck at the job too. Someone like me just isn't fit to work like this. Someone like me is only fit to die. Even if I decided that I wasn't going to die in two days, I can always change my mind.

"Even if someone as nice and special as Lenalee can say nice things about something like me, or something like my cursed arm, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. No matter how much I want to believe that it is the truth, I can't. Something like me is only fit for death and I shouldn't think any other way. Thinking otherwise, I would only be deluding myself. I don't want that. I want to know the full truth, and I want to believe the truth, because believing a lie, while it can be comforting, isn't right. The truth should be known, and it should be what I think because it's better to know the truth than to believe a lie. It's the truth for a reason.

"And the truth about me is that I am mean. I am ugly. I am stupid. I am an idiot. I am cursed. I am evil. I am a freak. I am a monster. I am a cheater. I am a coward. I am a failure. I am a loser. I am pathetic. I am alone. I am weak. I am nothing. I am zero. I deserve to die. I shouldn't be alive. I should never have been born.

"I hurt all the time and I can't do anything about it. Lenalee and Krory and Miranda and Komui, they help me forget sometimes. I forget a little bit, about how much it hurts. But sometimes being near them just makes it hurt more. It hurts more because I know I can't be a part of them. Being me is alienating. Isolating. I can't belong to a group, even if I try. I can't be... I just can't...

"No one out there needs me. No one wants me around. I should just dig a hole, die in the ground. I bet that they all want me gone, to leave them alone. But they pity a creature like me. They ask something like me to hang around with them. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of such a monster? I don't know. But whatever it is, I didn't try to do it. I tried my best not to hurt them at all. I tried my best to get them to see me as something other than the horrible creature that I am, but I guess that means that I was lying to them. Lying by living. Hah. That's ironic. I search for the truth, I know it, so I lie about it. I lie about it so that I can do the opposite of what the truth dictates. I lie so that I can feel a little better and live, though being such an awful being as I am, I should die. Irony.

"Well, I did say that I'd at least wait until Christmas. I can hang on for a couple more days. Not that I should, but I can. And I don't break promises, ever. Although I did tell myself that the day I break a promise is the day that I die. I guess there's a loophole there, but not one that I'll take advantage of. It doesn't seem fair, making your own loopholes. I only cheat in cards and in life. Well, using that loophole would be cheating life, I suppose. Some people out there do consider suicide the cheaters way out or the cowards way out. Since I am both a cheater and a coward, doesn't that just mean I should kill myself right here and now? It's not like I couldn't do it. Life is taken so easily. And no one will come around this time to 'save' my life like last time. No one is expecting it, so if I happen to fail and fall unconscious or become unable to move or something to the like, no one will find me. No one will do their citizen's duty and try to 'save' me because no one will find me because no one knows about it. I could knock myself off right now, and I'd most definitely succeed. But I can't do that. I promised to wait at least two more days. These two days may seem like forever, but the real forever is what will happen when I finally get myself off this rock. Black forever. Fade into the shadows. Disappear into the nothingness. I am already nothing, so I should feel welcomed, not that one can feel anything in nothingness. It will at least be better than now, because feeling hurts, and not feeling is nothing. Nothing is better than something when that something is bad.

"So bad that... I... I need to cut it out. I need to stop this thinking. But it keeps happening. It keeps happening over and over and I can't think about anything else. I can't stop it. It's because I'm too weak. I can't fight my own brain when it belongs to me. I can't even control my own thoughts, when they should be the easiest things to control. I can't stop it... So I have it cut it out..." Allen trailed off.

He ran up to his room to grab his knife, then went to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Then he locked it. He knew that Komui had probably seen the gashes on his legs before, but he didn't say anything, so maybe he hadn't. Or maybe they hadn't registered because he was thinking about other things. Either way, it wasn't like he was going to see the new ones.

Allen began slicing red lines into his pale white skin. He barely noticed the pain at all, so he kept at it. He kept cutting and cutting until the backs of both of his calves were mostly covered in the red lines. He still hardly felt it. He was breathing hard, almost like sobs, but there were no tears. Just a lot of hurt bowled up in his chest. He wanted to stab the knife into his heart to let the pain bleed out, but the blade wasn't long enough nor sharp enough to do any real damage, so he didn't try it. He just imagined sticking a blade in and twisting it around. It made him hurt even more inside, but pain is what he wanted. He needed more motivation to cut deeper, do more damage, let the hurt out with more pain. He needed to prove that he could feel something other than the hurt in his chest. He needed a way to let the pain bleed out, and there was no more fitting way than to actually bleed.

He took off his shirt and positioned the blade on his left upper arm a little below the shoulder. The skin here would be much softer than his leg, so cutting deeper would be easier, and it would be covered up by any shirt he chose to wear, even a t-shirt. Not that he would ever wear a t-shirt, but anything could happen in the future. Allen slashed the knife down on his arm and blood spilled out more quickly than it had from any other wound he'd given himself. It wouldn't matter if this one scarred, it would never be seen. He could feel the pain of this one. Not all of it, but there was enough pain to release any tension that he felt. As the blood flowed down his arm and dripped into the bathtub, where he'd chosen to sit. As he watched the dark red liquid flow from his pale body, he began to relax a little bit.

Allen leaned back and sighed. The anxiety was fading and the bad thoughts in his mind were being sucked away for the most part. He knew that he didn't get all of them out, and, like a virus, they would stick in his brain and multiply and wait till he was vulnerable again to attack him. But he got most of what was there at the moment, therefore delaying the attack once again. It was inevitable that the thoughts would come back, but Allen took some solace in the fact that he was safe for now, and probably had a couple days time. He hoped that they'd subside after Christmas, but he didn't get his hopes up too high, just in case.

Allen turned the hot water knob on the tub and let it fill up. The water was cold at first, as he expected, but it only took a minute to heat up to reasonable temperatures. He sat in the tub, half naked, letting the water turn pink and soak through his pants, socks, and underwear. He didn't care that he was wet now, it didn't matter. He felt a drain in his energy, and decided to just relax for now. After the stress he'd just endured, it felt like a good plan to just stop and sit for a while.

* * *

_December 24 2008_

Okay, half an hour till Lenalee's Christmas party. It takes twenty or so minutes to walk there, but if I walk slowly and take the long way, I can leave right now. I don't want to just sit here in anxiety for ten minutes. I already feel too restless. Like I'm gonna jump out of my skin the next time someone says "Hello" or something. Right. My bags are packed, gifts, Timcampy, pyjamas, and all, I've got my sleeping bag, my shoes are on, I've got my sweater and my coat over my body, and I'm ready to leave. I've gotta go. I can't just sit here. The long way it is.

Allen picked up his stuff, left his house, and locked the door. He started walking at a brisk pace due to his anxiety, but made himself slow down as soon as he realized this. Then he began to think again.

I just remembered something. It's been over a year since Cross left the house. Since he left me to die. I wonder if he's coming back? I hope he never does. I hope that I never have to see him again. I can build a life without him here. If I live, that is. I might just kill myself tomorrow. But I might not. What Lenalee said still makes me feel...

Ugh. I hate this! I hate feeling! Why can't I just kill off my emotions! It would make living just that much easier. Living would be easier because it would be that much more like death... I don't want to feel anything. While it feels great when I feel good things, I feel bad things far too often to have the good things balance it out. That's the problem, I guess. No balance. I can't get enough good to balance out the bad, so the bad takes over. And then I feel worse because it's all black and I can't see any white anywhere, so it feels like there's no hope for me. And I guess that's true enough. I am a hopeless case, after all.

I really don't deserve to be alive, and I don't deserve the nice people I call friends, and who say that I am their friend in return. What I deserve is to be bullied. A lot. Almost tortured by others. It's easier to deal with than this, because I know already how to get by with people telling me how awful I am. I can do that, because they say the truth. They don't lie. Bullies just say what they see, and I guess it's a bit biased of me to say that they're bullies if what they say is the truth. Stating the facts is neutral, there isn't any bad intent behind facts. They are what they are, therefore are neutral. I can deal with that. I may not like the truth, and the truth may kill me, but the lies hurt me too because I know that they're lies. I can't possibly be anything good like what they say. That simply isn't possibly for something like me.

I can't live with these lies. I don't want to feel that hope that someone could like something this hideous and horrible. Feeling that hope just means that everything will crash down on me all the harder when the truth comes out. And the truth will come out because it always does because it's the truth. I wish that they could just start telling me that I'm terrible, horrible, and don't deserve to be here or something to the like. I don't care. I just need them to tell m e something true, something that will hurt me. Because it's comfortable that way. It's what I'm used to. Hearing anything nice is uncomfortable and I don't like it. But at the same time I do. I like the warm and fuzzy feeling inside. I liked the feeling that I got when Lenalee talked about my arm. But at the same time, it was so strange. It was such a foreign feeling that I can't help but reject it, even if it feels nice.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Okay Allen. We'll get through this. We'll be at the Lee's house in about five minutes, arriving right on time. We just have to survive the evening and the little bit tomorrow. Everything will be fine. Just survive, then tomorrow we can grieve. We can go home, sit alone in the house, and mourn Mana's death, just like every year. We can cry and fill the day with all the sadness that we need to feel. Just like every Christmas. Then we can hum a sorrowful happy birthday to ourself and cry ourself to sleep. Just like every birthday. Birthdays aren't meant to be happy. They're awful things. Arbitrary celebrations of a day like any other. Every day is someone's birthday, yet most people just go on like it's another boring day. No one celebrates. It's arbitrary and stupid. But I can't help but hate that arbitrary and stupid day, because what happened is all my fault.

Allen knocked on the Lee's front door. Lenalee answered quickly.

"Hello Allen! Welcome! You're the first one here, so come on in. Komui is making dinner." Lenalee smiled brightly at him.

"Hello Lenalee. Thanks. Where should I put my stuff?" Allen asked

"Just tuck it beside the couch. We can get all the stuff later when we need it and... Oh my god! Are those Christmas presents?" Lenalee asked excitedly

"Uh, yes they are. I don't know what else they would be at this time of year. Fancy wrapped bento boxes, maybe?" Allen said, a grin on his face. He thought he'd been reading too much manga. He was happy that Lenalee seemed happy. It brought his mood up a bit to see her smile.

"That's so great! You're so nice Allen." He inwardly winced, "Oh I just want to give you a HUGE hug right now!" Lenalee said, and she did. Allen was tackled by her hug, flinched, and almost fell backward onto the couch in surprise. He hugged her back, knowing that she liked it, even if he didn't care too much for the physical contact.

"You're such a good hugger, you know that Allen?" asked Lenalee

"I've never been told anything about my hugging abilities before, probably because I never do it. But thanks Lenalee. I guess you're a good hugger too. It feels nice and warm." Allen commented.

The two hugged for another moment, when the next person had arrived. A knock at the door broke the two teenagers apart. Miranda stepped in.

"Hello Miranda! Come on in. Komui's making dinner and you can put your stuff right over here with Allen's." Lenalee said.

"H-Hello Allen." stuttered Miranda. She didn't say sorry this time, a big improvement.

"Hello Miranda," Allen smiled, "Good to see you. Are you ready to have a good time tonight?"

"Yes. Yes, I think so." Miranda said quietly.

"That's great to hear." said Allen.

Then Krory showed up. Lenalee invited him in and the four teens sat on the couch, talking about happy things, their plans for the night, and any big news about anything that had happened since the end of school. Lenalee mentioned that she and Allen would be applying for jobs, though she was still too young. She figured she could fake her age. It was only one year, after all. And who would bother to check?

Soon enough, Komui entered and announced that Christmas dinner was ready. Allen and Krory were first to the table, of course. It smelled delicious and tasted just as good. Everyone had seconds, and Allen and Krory had even more. Despite that, there were still a few leftovers. Komui had planned pretty well for the appetites of his guests. After dinner, it was the usual sitting and talking until they felt like deciding to stop.

"Only three more hours until Christmas!" Komui announced excitedly. He was a bit too enthusiastic about this holiday. The rest of the crowd looked pretty happy about the news too, so Allen tried to fake a smile despite the growing sense of dread in his stomach. He hoped no one noticed, because he could tell that his smile wasn't very convincing.

"I've got an idea, why don't we all share our favourite Christmas memories!" Komui said happily. Allen's anxiety multiplied many times over. He absolutely did not want to share any Christmas experiences with them. There weren't really any happy ones.

"I like that idea." Lenalee said, smiling widely, "How about we go around the circle, me, Krory, Miranda, Allen, then Komui. Sound good?" she asked. Nods and yeses were given by everyone but Allen. He kept still, and the rest didn't notice.

"Okay, so I'm first. The best Christmas memories I have are from when I was little. Back when I had my parents around. I remember the one Christmas where the four of us took a walk to a park in our neighbourhood. It was snowing lightly, and when I got tired, Daddy picked me up and carried me on his shoulders. I was very little. When we got to the park, I played tag with brother. We ran around until we tired ourselves out and fell backwards into the snow. Laying there as the snowflakes melted on our warm faces, we made snow angels all over the place. When we were done, Mommy and Daddy took us back home for Christmas dinner and presents. It's one of the few memories I have of Mommy and Daddy, so I cherish it, especially since it was also Christmas." Lenalee said, her eyes a little misty with the memory. No one noticed the slight drop in Komui's smile when Lenalee mentioned their parents.

"That was beautiful Lenalee. It sounds like a really good memory. You're so lucky you got to do something like that. It sounds really wonderful." said Krory, caught up in the emotion of her story, "I guess it's my turn next then. My best Christmas memory was last year, in fact." Allen flinched. He had made it terrible for Krory, and it was still his best? He felt horrible, "At last year's Christmas, I made my first friend." Allen sat there, shocked, even though he had already known this, "I invited Allen over for a Christmas party, since we had gotten on pretty well on the last day before Christmas break. It made me extremely happy when he arrived at my castle. It was a euphoria, the feeling I had when there was actually someone who showed up and wanted to be my friend. I was fully expecting him not to arrive, even after he said he'd come, just because many people are afraid of me and judge me on appearance alone. I can't help the way I look. But Allen actually came. And it was one of the happiest days of my life. We talked, we shared, and Allen, you really helped me that night. I don't know where I'd be now if you hadn't been there last year." Krory started crying, "Even if some weird stuff did happen, it's not like anything was my fault or yours, and we were friends. You were my first friend in over fourteen years of loneliness. It made me the happiest I've ever been to have you there. I'm really happy that you came." At this point, Krory gave into his emotions and started crying harder. Lenalee gave him a strong hug.

"That's so special Krory. I'm glad too. We're all friends and we're all here, once again on a Christmas Eve. It looks like this day is a good omen for you." Lenalee smiled brightly, "Look up. Everyone's here for you."

Krory looked up to see all of his friends smiling back at him. Allen held out his hand for a shake.

"I didn't know it meant so much to you, that night. Even after I screwed things up a bit. But I'm glad you're my friend too, at any rate." Allen said, smiling at Krory, "I'll be glad, and I'll be your friend, I mean. And I will be as long as I live. Maybe even longer than that." Allen gave a comforting squeeze to Krory.

"Th-Thanks Allen." Krory said, squeezing back. They dropped the hands.

After a moment of silence, Miranda took her turn, "My best Christmas memory isn't nearly as special as yours, and I don't feel comfortable saying it when you two have such deep memories. Mine almost seems superficial. But that's not the point of this. My best memory was the year I got my clock. I saw it on the side of the road, as some old man was throwing it out. He said that it was broken and no one could get the key to turn. I tried it, and it worked for me. He told me that I could keep it since he didn't want it and it seemed to have an affection towards me. It was – is – my friend. Although I don't understand how he could thank that a clock can feel affection... Anyways. That Christmas was the best Christmas I've had, since it showed me that I wasn't totally useless if I could get a clock to work for me when it wouldn't work for anyone else. Maybe it was just luck, but luck is never on my side. Except that day, and it made me feel very good about myself. That clock is really special to me for this reason." Miranda finished

"You never told me that." said Lenalee, "I've seen your clock many times, and you always look at it as though it's your most treasured possession, and I guess it is. With something like that, I bet I'd feel the same way. But you don't need just a clock to tell you that you're special. We could tell you the same thing too, and we do. You aren't useless Miranda, no one is. And you're our friend. Always and forever. No matter what."

"L-L-Lenalee. I-I didn't think that..." Miranda trailed off. She wasn't used to hearing good things about herself, since she felt she messed everything up all the time.

"You should always feel good about yourself. Everyone deserves that." Lenalee said, Giving Miranda an encouraging hug.

"Th-Thanks Lenalee." Miranda said. She was very grateful for the kind words from her friend.

Soon, all eyes turned to Allen, "M-My turn? Already? Um, let me think for a second." Allen said. He tried to think of any Christmas he could remember that was good, but it was the day he lost everything. The worst day of his life. And he made himself remember that every year. Thinking about good things on this day way very hard. Then an epiphany. It was the day he'd lost everything, but also the day he'd gained everything.

"Um, I don't actually remember much about this time of my life, since I was three years old at the time. But I do remember that it was the best Christmas I ever had. Believe me, even if it seems unlikely that a three-year-old's Christmas is the best, it is, just trust me. It was the day that I was adopted. It was the day that... my foster dad... Mana... took me in. He... He raised me. He was the best thing that happened in my life. He found me... on Christmas... and he didn't hate me... I didn't understand... but... he cared for me." Allen didn't feel the tears that were sliding down his face, "He took me as... as his own son. And... I wasn't alone anymore. I had a dad. He was the most important person in the world to me. I don't want to explain why." Then Allen felt something warm on his cheek. He touched it, and his fingers came away wet, "E-Excuse me." Allen walked towards the bathroom. He didn't want his friends to see him like this.

"He told me least year that Christmas was the day he got everything and lost everything. I guess Mana was the everything that he got. But that means..." Krory came to a realization, "Oh." he said quietly. The other three heard what he'd said. Komui walked toward the bathroom.

"Allen?" Komui asked gently, "Are you alright?"

"M'fine." Allen said, clearly not sounding fine.

"You can come out if you want. We're all waiting for you, and we don't think anything bad about what you said. In fact, I think it's wonderful that you and Mana met at such a time, and I bet the others feel the same way. Christmas is about spreading happiness, is it not? And I think that this happy memory of yours certainly counts. It's a beautiful thing, and one of the best things I've ever heard you say. Can you please come out so that we can see you? We can't have a good friend of ours hiding, especially at a time like this. We don't want to see you hurt, and we all wish to help if we can. If you will let us. Please come and join us?" Komui requested, keeping his voice gentle and soft so as not to scare Allen away from them. The boy seemed fragile as it was, even before this had happened.

"Sure it's 'kay?" Allen asked cautiously, his voice muffled from behind the door.

"Of course. Just open the door and see for yourself." Komui waved for the others to come over, but to stand a few feet back. Allen would need a little space.

Allen opened the door slowly and saw the smiling faces of his friends looking back at him. He couldn't hold back the tears any longer. He rushed out and grabbed on to Komui's clothes, since he was closest, and was soon wrapped up in Komui's arms. Komui tried soothing Allen, but the young teen didn't look up. The other three teenagers came in closer and all of them shared a group hug. Allen felt the warm and fuzzy feeling in his chest again, this time much stronger, as he felt his friends group around him. It felt really nice, and he felt safe. Maybe they didn't hate him. Maybe he was allowed to feel good sometimes. Thoughts like this made him cry harder. He just hugged Komui's shirt tighter.

The group stood there for a while until Allen calmed down. They each took turns giving him a hug individually and saying soft words of encouragement and reassurance. It was exactly what Allen needed that night. The group moved themselves back to the living room when they felt Allen could handle it. They continued talking about innocent things, nice things, and anything that came to mind that didn't involve Allen's past. They were all curious and concerned, especially knowing that Christmas was also one of his worst days, as well as his best.

"Five minutes until midnight, everyone!" Komui announced to the group. He was very excited for Christmas and it appeared that some of his energy was rubbing off on them, "Are you all ready?"

"Of course we are! It's almost time!" Lenalee said with much enthusiasm.

Krory and Miranda both looked at the clock on the wall expectantly as 11:55 changed to 11:56. Krory started wiggling restlessly with excitement. Allen looked up dazedly. He was mostly back to normal now, but he couldn't be completely, knowing that it was four minutes until December 25th. Now three minutes.

"I'm going to get the supplies, be right back. It shouldn't be more than a minute." Komui said as he got up and walked toward the kitchen.

"I'll help him. I can't sit still." said Krory anxiously. He took off to help Komui.

Allen was confused, but passed it off as the two making a quick midnight snack for them all to celebrate the day.

At 11:58, Lenalee was called by Komui to come help with something. Allen didn't know what, but Miranda was smiling widely, and seemed to be shaking. Allen couldn't tell if it was nerves from being alone with him, her general anxiety, excitement for Christmas day, or silent laughter. Maybe it was a combination of all four. Now it was 11:59.

Komui started counting down, "30 seconds... 20 seconds... 15 seconds... 10 seconds... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry to end it there. This chapter was going to be longer, but then I saw the wordcount and the number of pages and decided that I should probably split it into two chapters. Sorry for the cliffhanger-ish ending, and I hope you enjoyed. =) Thanks for reading it, you're all awesome. Reviews are always welcome, be it good, bad, or neutral. Or even just a "Hi, I'm just here for the food." ;) Anyways...

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	18. The Day I Lost Everything

**A/N**: AVEN to anyone who thinks it's a lie. Anyways, enjoy the chapter!

**Warning**: a little angst, flashbacks

* * *

**The Day I Lost Everything**

* * *

_December 24 2008_

_Now it was 11:59._

_Komui started counting down, "30 seconds... 20 seconds... 15 seconds... 10 seconds... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."_

* * *

_December 25 2008_

As Komui's counting got closer to zero, Allen started to tense. He didn't know what they were going to do, but he doubted he'd like it. There wasn't really any reason for the doubt, it's just what he felt.

"Happy birthday Allen!" all of his friends cheered when midnight struck. Komui and Krory carried a huge cake into the living room, while Lenalee carried the candles, matches, plates, and forks. To say Allen was completely shocked and surprised would be an understatement. He was speechless, confused, happy, sad, angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed by all of these emotions at the same time. He couldn't make sense of any of it.

"Wh-What?" Allen asked, when he figured out how to make his voice work.

"It's your birthday Allen. We're celebrating. Smile for us, it's a good thing." Lenalee said as she walked towards Allen. Komui and Krory set the cake on the small table in the room and the two girls led Allen to the table. He was still shocked. To him, the situation didn't make any sense.

"But- But why? Why do something for me, of all people?" asked Allen, trying to make sense of the situation. It still hadn't completely set in yet.

"Why do you need to ask? Because you're our friend, Allen. And you mean a lot to us. You are kind to us and you try your best to make us happy, or cheer us up when we're upset. You're a great person, and we are trying to repay some of that kindness you've shown us and show you how much we care for you by celebrating a special day with you. We want to see you happy too. Friendship isn't just a one-way relationship, you know." Komui explained.

"But I don't understand. I'm not such a great person as you say that I am. I just do what anyone would do, and I try not to screw up. But I do. And I don't understand at all." Allen said, now more confused about the situation.

"Then let us each tell you what we think, and why. So that you can believe us. I'll start." said Lenalee, "Allen, you are a really good friend to me. When I was upset a couple of months ago, when I was worried about everyone and everything around me, you sat with me and we talked. You helped me feel better about myself and what I was doing. You gave me a little more confidence in my actions and helped to keep me going when I felt like whatever I was doing to help people was futile. You convinced me that I was doing fine and that I was a good person, even though I had my doubts. For that I thank you. You showed me trust and compassion, just like a true friend. Because that's what you are, Allen, my friend. It's why I want you to be happy."

"A-Allen. B-back in elementary school, I was the failure. Nothing I did ever turned out right, and I always screwed everything up. Especially in gym, due to my clumsiness. But when I was in the class with you, back in f-fourth and f-fifth grades, you told me to stop apologizing. I assumed that anything that went wrong was my fault, and it usually was, I-I think. But you told me to quit being sorry for what I wasn't responsible for. At the time, it confused me and I d-didn't listen, but it did make me start thinking. It was like a ray of hope, having someone say that something might not be m-my fault. And it made me feel a little better about myself, remembering that, when I started to get a little d-depressed at the end of last year. And now that we're friends, I want to thank you for your p-passing kindness, even if you didn't think anything of it at the time. Even if you think it was nothing, or just a useless statement, I-I don't think it was. It was one of the nicest things I'd heard while I was there. You are a much better person than you're g-giving yourself credit for." said Miranda

"Allen, up until a year ago, I didn't have any friends at all. You are my first friend, and for that I will always be grateful. Even if we had a rough start, it's been the best time of my life, being with you. When we sit in the stairwell at lunch, talking and joking, even when you tease me, I feel good knowing that I'm not alone anymore, because loneliness is one of the worst feelings there is. I can understand bits of you, to a point, and you can do the same for me. We both look odd, we stand out, and kids judge based on appearances. Neither of us had an easy time, not that we'll ever get you to admit it or say anything, but I can assume." Krory looked at Allen, "And you were kind enough to me not to do what every other person I had met had done. On the first day of school, when I said hello, you responded with a hello. No one had done that before. It felt good. And when you accepted my friendship, it felt even better. You listened to me when I rambled on about it. You brought me out of my loneliness, and I can't think of anything that will ever come close to paying that back. So I try what I can. I'm telling you that you are more than just a good person. You are a great person. And I want to see you smile some day, for real. I bet it would be beautiful." Krory finished.

"Lastly, and most importantly, except for Lenalee of course," Komui started.

"Brother!" Lenalee objected.

"Allen," Komui continued, "I know that you do what you can to hide from people and to hide from these people what you think will hurt them. You do your best to make each one of us feel better about ourselves, and at the same time, dampen your own spirits to do so. It's not healthy, for one thing, but it's also incredibly kind to those around you, if you look at it in a certain way. We do worry about you and we are all concerned for you, but it is touching to me that you would try so hard for us, who haven't been able to do as much for you. When we spoke back in October, you were absolutely right. About everything you said. I'm not trying to go against any of that, but I do want a chance to prove our friendship, and how much you mean to all of us. You are a good person, whether or not you choose to believe it. To too many good people out there, bad things have happened, yourself included. That doesn't change that you're still a good person, even if you can't admit it. We will all be your friends, always. So lean on us a little, we'll show you that we mean it and that you can count on us. We want to show you that we can be as good of friends to you as you have been to us." Komui went and put his arms around the small boy. Allen was as confused as ever. He started thinking.

People shouldn't think of me in such a positive light, I mean, I'm really not a good person. I can't think that I am. If I did, it would only hurt more once I realize, once again, that I'm awful and terrible. I don't want to hurt! I hurt too much already! I don't know if I can take this, or how much longer I can keep this in. It's almost like it's trying to explode out of my chest!

Komui let go and Miranda took a turn hugging him.

And now it hurts more! Maybe they're all trying to torture me. There isn't any other good explanation for this. There isn't any good reason why any one of them would want to be my friend. Not someone like me. Not someone hideous, ugly, deformed, cursed, and beyond all, despicable. And they should hate me. Most of the people I've met do, and it isn't their fault. It's mine. It's my fault because I was so stupid back when I was little. It's my fault that that fire burned me in the first place.

Krory took hold of the smaller boy next.

No! They want to kill me. I can already feel water running up to my eyes. I can't cry. I may be weak, but I can't show them. Not again. Not when they can so easily hurt me right now. And getting hurt now means that I'll die. I can die of sadness, like the people in _Wuthering Heights_ or I can just go kill myself. They wouldn't miss me at all, since I'm not worth anything. I've always been worthless, useless. I can't understand why they would try to convince me otherwise, or think otherwise. I can't tell if it's true or not. I almost wish it were true, but I can't believe that. I can't.

Then Lenalee wrapped her arms around the white-haired boy's shoulders and gently squeezed.

But, then why does it feel so nice? I must be a gullible fool, because I kind of do believe that they're being honest. It almost feels good, having them hold me. It's comforting, even if it really hurts. But it's sort of a good kind of hurt, I guess. Road was right, way back when. This is what it's like when one human holds another human. But, I'm not human, so why does it feel this way? Why does it feel so nice...?

Allen couldn't hold the tears back any longer. They slid down his face as he reached up and hugged Lenalee back. With each drop of water that fell down his face, he felt a little more relief from the pain from before. He was still confused and couldn't make much sense of anything, or even decide what he was supposed to be feeling, but he let that be for now. He just sat of the floor and cried into Lenalee's open arms.

A couple of minutes later, Allen let go, feeling a little better and that he could sit on his own. He stared at the very large cake sitting on the table in front of him. Then he asked a very Allen-like question, "What flavour did you guys pick?"

The other four began laughing. After all that, and he just asks about the flavour of the cake. Food is always first priority with Allen, it seems.

"You'll have to try it to find out." Komui said, trying not to giggle as he spoke, "Lenalee, will you put the candles on and light it?"

"Sure thing." said Lenalee, as she did just that.

"Okay Allen, before the wax melts, make a wish and blow the candles out! If you get them all in one blow, it's supposed to come true." said Komui, really getting into the superstitions.

"If you say so." said Allen, his voice still slightly thick from before. 'I wish that some day, I can be happy. And that everyone around me is too, because I won't be satisfied unless they are happy also.' Allen silently made his wish and blew out the candles. He plays a wind instrument, so, with the aid of breath support (which he used automatically), getting all the candles in one blow was a piece of cake.

The other four cheered, and Komui cut the cake. He couldn't let anyone else hold such a dangerous object as a knife anywhere near his precious Lenalee. After each person had eaten several pieces of cake, Komui put it away. The five sat around and enjoyed the silence and the company of the rest.

"Um, guys?" Allen started.

"Hm? What is it Allen?" asked Lenalee.

"Thanks. A lot. For all of this. It means a lot to me that anyone would think of doing something this nice for me. I guess this makes my second good Christmas, eh?" Allen said quietly, with a small chuckle at the end. He wiped the newly wet corners of his eyes with the palms of his hands, "Thanks a lot."

"You're welcome Allen. Anytime we can do anything, just let us know, okay?" said Lenalee, a bright smile on her face. The others nodded in agreement.

"Yeah..." Allen trailed off, "Do you think, you know, that maybe, um, I could, uh, try to, um maybe ask you something?" Allen's voice rose as he stumbled through the sentence.

"Yeah, of course! No need to be shy." said Lenalee, still smiling widely.

"Well, um, is it okay if I try... talking a little bit? About... back then?" Allen asked nervously, "You don't have to listen if you don't want to, I mean, I don't want to be a bother or anything. I just kinda wanted..." He trailed off again.

"Of course we'll all listen. That's what friends are for, after all. And it's not a bother. Anyone who considers it a bother isn't a friend to begin with. In fact, I think all of us would agree that this is something we've been looking forward to." Lenalee said gently, but with confidence.

"Oh... I didn't realize... that... because... I thought..." Allen couldn't finish the sentence.

"It's okay." said Lenalee with encouragement, "Whenever you want to talk, we'll be ready. Take your time."

"Okay." Allen said. He took a few deep breaths and began speaking softly, "I want to tell you about the day that Mana died..."

* * *

_December 25 1997_

"_Allen, do you know what day today is?" asked Mana_

"_Ya! It's December number twenty-five!" Allen replied enthusiastically_

"_Very good. And what's special about December number twenty-five?" Mana asked_

"_Christmas!" yelled Allen. Luckily they were outside and not back at the apartment. Their grumpy neighbour Cosimo never did like Allen's shouting and childish behaviour, despite the fact that Allen was a child._

"_And...?" Mana prompted._

"_It's... It's... It's the day you got me!" Allen said, excited that he had remembered._

"_Very good! And that means that it's your birthday today. Do you know where we're going right now?" Mana asked as they walked down an empty sidewalk._

"_No..." Allen said quietly, disappointed that he couldn't get the answer._

"_That's good! Because where we're going is a surprise!" Mana told the small child._

_Allen's mood lifted very quickly, "Really? A surprise place? Where is it? Is it gonna be fun? How much longer? Is it really special?" Allen fired questions rapidly._

"_Yes, it's a surprise place. And it's very secret. I can't tell you where it is because then the surprise will be ruined. And we will be there in about ten minutes. Not too much longer. Just hold in your excitement until then, little one." said Mana, chuckling a little at the eagerness of the small red-haired boy clutching his arm._

_After about ten minutes of walking and avoiding the answers to Allen's constant questions, Mana had told him that they'd arrived._

"_Look Allen, we're here now. This is the special place." Mana said._

_There was a large striped tent set up in a field. The snow had been cleared from around it and small fires were lit just off the path. People dressed in many colourful layers of clothes and silly costumes were greeting people outside the tent. The sign at the front said "CIRCUS"_

_Allen's eyes lit up with happiness and excitement. "This looks so pretty! All the colours everywhere! What is it Mana? What is the big tent? I like it a lot! What is this place?" The questions continued._

"_This place is the circus. I used to work with them, before I got you. And I sometimes still help them out a little bit. They told me that they'd be in town today and I asked if I could help them put on a show. So today, you will get to see the circus. And you'll see your step-daddy being a clown." Mana explained._

"_But Mana acts like a clown anyways." Allen felt the need to point out, "Mana says silly things lots of times."_

"_But this is different. I'm going to do tricks and dress up in fancy colours. I want to see you laugh just as hard as everybody else, you hear?" Mana instructed Allen._

_Allen was all too eager to follow the instructions, "Yes I will! Because I know that Mana will be the funniest clown ever so I gotta laugh extra loud for you."_

"_Very good. Now I'm going to get you a seat right at the front, and I want you to stay there until the show is done and I come to get you. Is that clear? No going with strangers and no going alone. Do you understand?" Mana asked, a little more serious._

"_Yes Mana! No strangers and no alone! I remember!" said Allen, happy to get more answers right._

"_Good, good. Now sit right here. The show is going to start soon." said Mana, as he left to get ready for the show._

_The show went about as flawlessly as possible. Each person oohed and aahed at the acrobats and tightrope walkers, clapped for the animal tricks, and laughed loudly when the clowns performed. Allen was, enthusiastically, among that large crowd of people enjoying themselves. He was having the time of his life. He felt that this would be the best day ever and that nothing could possibly ruin his extremely good mood._

_After the show, Allen waited around just like he was asked. A little girl with a sucker came up to him and said hello, but Allen didn't talk to her, remembering Mana's words about not talking to strangers. She ran away from him after calling him a meanie and sticking out her tongue. Allen was a little hurt by it, but he still remembered how amazing the performance was. He wouldn't let his good mood go away._

_Soon after that, Mana came back from the changing rooms and went over to Allen._

"_How did you like it, Allen?" asked Mana with a smile on his face._

"_It was 'mazing! The colour people were flying like wheeeoooo wheeeoooo and the animals were all roar and jumping roar and the clowns were funny! I liked Mana the best!" Allen described the circus with all of the excitement that he could._

"_I'm very happy that you think so. Say, do you want to learn some tricks sometime? I can teach you juggling and balancing on balls if you'd like." Mana offered, expecting the explosive reaction that was sure to come from the young child._

"_Really? You mean it? You can teach my clown tricks? I'm so happy! Happy happy happy happy happy..." Allen started singing to himself as Mana led them from the circus grounds._

_Mana was contented. He was happy that Allen was having such a good time on his first birthday, or rather, his first celebrated birthday. Mana figured that the boy was probably about four years old by now, despite his small stature. His language seemed to be more sophisticated than most four-year-olds, however, the age seemed to suit him. Mana lost himself in his own thoughts as Allen entertained himself walking back to the apartment._

"_Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy," Allen was still singing to himself as he jumped around on the sidewalk, running back and forth while Mana walked just behind him. He was excited to learn clown tricks. Especially those hard ones like juggling. It looked so fancy, that he wanted to try it right away. _

_There wasn't enough snow on the sidewalk to make snowballs, but the street had little piles of snow at the sides. Allen walked over to pick some up._

"_No Allen! Stay on the sidewalk little man. The streets are dangerous." Mana warned. Allen stopped his trip to the road and turned around._

"_But I wanted snow to make juggling balls." Allen complained._

"_We're almost back. I have juggling balls at home." Mana told the impatient boy._

"_Really? That's so cool! Happy happy happy..." Allen started singing to himself again._

_The two were on the last block before the apartment building when Allen heard a fast crunching noise coming closer, then a loud honk. He looked at what it was and saw a car slipping on the road coming towards him. Allen screamed._

_Mana broke out of his thoughts when he heard Allen's scream. Without a second to think, Mana sprinted forward and pushed Allen out of the way of the oncoming car. The vehicle was out of control and didn't stop coming at him until it hit him, and then the tree behind him. Mana was crushed between the car and the tree._

"_Mana!" Allen screamed, hysterical after seeing his step-father hit by the car. He ran up to Mana, crying large tears, "Mana! Mana! Band-aids? Mana!" Allen thought that he could fix the problem with band-aids like when Mana fixed a scrape or a cut._

"_Allen. Never stop, keep walking. Happy birthday..." Mana trailed off as he fell forever silent._

"_Mana! I can help you! Let me help! Mana! What's wrong? I get band-aids! Mana!" Allen screamed, tears still running down his face. He ran back to the apartment to get the band-aids from the cupboard, using the spare house key. When he came back, there were lots of men with cars with flashing lights. Allen didn't care about them. He ran back to Mana's body._

"_Mana! I gots you the band-aids! Now it's fix! Mana! It's fix! Wake up Mana! Don' sleep! It's fix! Wake up..." Allen trailed off, giving in to the crying._

"_Is this your daddy, young man?" a cop asked Allen._

"_Tha Tha's Mana. He-He-He my step-dad-daddy." said Allen, sobbing._

"_Son, I need you to come with me. We can't help your step-daddy any more right now, but we can help you. So we need to go see some more people. Can you follow me?" asked the cop kindly, trying to avoid telling the grief-struck child that his step-father was dead._

"_Ma-Mana said n-no strangers n-no alone. No strangers." Allen cried, remembering Mana's words._

"_Well, my name is Charles. And my partner is Moore. What's your name?" asked Charles_

"_A-A-Allen." Allen replied_

"_Nice to meet you Allen. We aren't strangers anymore, so can you come with me now?" asked Charles_

"_Ma-Mana said n-no alone. So I-I gots to go wif you." Allen said, still crying._

"_There there, Allen. It will be fine. Come with me and we can talk to some nice people, you and me. Okay?" Charles reached for the boy's shoulder to comfort him. Allen whipped around and screamed at him, not thinking straight._

"_Don't touch me! I want Mana! Mana! I even gots band-aids to fix him!" Allen screamed, not understanding the situation._

"_We are going to bring Mana to a hospital. They have more band-aids there. But I need you to come with me, Allen. Charles offered his hand to help the boy up, moving slowly and carefully so as not to frighten the boy._

"_O-Okay." Allen said, sniffling as he got up. He went to the police car and Charles and Moore took him to the station. The called the local orphanage, and a representative said that they would be by shortly to look at the boy and pick him up._

_After the call, the cops needed to do a physical check on the boy to make sure that he wasn't hurt as well. It seemed that he wasn't actually hurt physically, but emotional pain could cover up any injuries, so they needed to check just in case. And it was part of their job._

"_Okay Allen, can you lift up your shirt for me? I need to see if your tummy needs band-aids." Moore told the boy. The two cops had picked up on Allen's idea that band-aids could fix anything, "And then roll up your pants."_

_Allen did what they'd asked in silence, except for the muffled sobs. He was afraid without Mana._

_Moore didn't see any injuries aside from small bruises on his legs and arms. She guessed that he'd gotten those from falling and tripping, like any small child, and that there wasn't anything that needed to be done about them, "Allen? Your eyes hurt right? And your chest, inside?" asked Moore kindly. Allen nodded in response. "Do you want me to put a band-aid on your chest to help it feel better?" Allen nodded again. Moore knew that it was just a waste of a band-aid, but she figured that it would make the boy feel a little bit better._

_She picked up a band-aid, "Point to me where it hurts most." she said. Allen pointed to a spot right over his heart and Moore stuck the band-aid there, "Does that make it feel a little better?" Moore asked. Allen nodded and started crying harder again. He ran up to Moore and grabber her leg tightly, seeking comfort in the contact._

"_There, there." Moore said soothingly, trying to give the boy the comfort that he needed._

_Just then, the station door opened and the representative of the orphanage walked in. She looked at the boy and came up with a plan of action to get the boy to come with her. She had a sedative with her just in case. She was briefed on the situation over the phone._

"_Hello Allen, it's good to meet you. I'm from the local orphanage. I want you to come with me so that you can stay with us." said the representative._

"_No! 'm not a orphan! I gots Mana!" Allen cried at her._

"_Son, Allen, Mana isn't coming back. The car killed him." said the woman._

"_No! Mana not died! He said he teach juggling and balls and clowns!" Allen shouted, escalating to hysterics again._

"_He can't do that anymore Allen. That's why I want you to come with me." she said gently._

"_But no stranger!" Allen cried, still sticking to Mana's rules. The woman looked at Moore and Charles for an explanation of what that meant. Charles explained._

"_My name is Emilia. Will you come with me now?" Emilia asked kindly._

"_But-But Mana..." Allen trailed off, becoming tired from the crying and stress._

"_It's okay. Come with me. You can fall asleep. When you wake up, things will be better." said Emilia._

"_No! Mana! Mana! No!" Allen said, screaming again. He wasn't in control of his actions anymore, and that was clear. Emilia took the syringe out of her pocket and injected Allen with the sedative. It was mild, and smaller than a child's dose, but Allen was knocked right out. She figured it would work long enough to get back to the orphanage. When Allen woke up, that's exactly where he was._

* * *

_January 1998_

_Two weeks later, a small funeral was held for Mana. There was nothing special. The people at the orphanage helped Allen dig a hole under a tree in the same field where the circus had performed. Allen found a rock and scratched Mana's name into it with another rock. He'd asked Emilia how to spell it and write it._

_Allen let out more of his grief, and sat there crying for a few hours. Emilia figured that he wouldn't go anywhere, and she had to make dinner for the other children. She went back to take care of that and left Allen alone. She figured that she wouldn't be more than an hour, and she knew that Allen would be reluctant to leave the grave._

_She left Allen by himself. Twenty or so minutes after she'd left, Allen was approached by a tall man with red hair, a large hat and a white mask over the right half of his face. Allen didn't notice the man come up to him until the man spoke._

"_I'm Cross. You'll call me Master or Master Cross. You got that? Now come with me kid." Cross said as her grabbed the boy's wrist and dragged Allen along behind him. Allen meekly followed, not in any emotional state to understand what was happening right now._

_Emilia returned to find Allen gone, and started searching for him. She called the authorities when she couldn't find him. There was no trace of where Allen had gone._

* * *

_December 25 2008_

"That was eleven years ago. The tree is just a couple blocks from here. The apartment we lived in isn't very far away from here either. I sometimes visit on Christmas, but usually I stay home. I just sit at home and cry because it was all my fault that Mana died. And after he was so nice to me, too. And I can't do anything..." Allen trailed off, silent tears flowing down his face once again.

"Oh Allen..." Lenalee said. She noticed that he was curled up in a ball, hugging his knees to his chest with his face pressed down on to them. She figured that a hug might be unwelcome at this time, but decided to offer it anyways, "Allen?" she asked gently, "Is it okay if I come over there and sit next to you?"

Allen replied with a grumbling noise that she assumed was a 'yes.' She scooched closer to him, "And is it okay if I do this?" She asked quietly as she stretched her arm slowly over his shoulders before resting it down gently.

Allen didn't move or say anything, but Lenalee could feel the soft shaking of his body as he cried silently into his knees. She turned to face Allen and wrapped he other arm around him as well, pulling him into a firm embrace.

Her breasts are so soft...

Allen noticed as his head was lowered to the comfortable spot right in the middle of her chest. Allen reached around her middle and hugged her tight, trying to let the pain out. After another few minutes, he had calmed down enough, and loosened his grip. He kept holding her, despite what Komui would probably do to him when he got tired of watching Lenalee being held by another boy. Until then, Allen decided to rest in the comfort of her touch. It wasn't much longer before he realized that he couldn't open his eyes anymore.

Oh well, can't do anything about that now. I never knew that a girl's chest was like a pillow before. It's kind of nice...

Lenalee (and Komui with his super-hearing when it comes to Lenalee-related things) noticed that Allen's breathing had slowed and evened out. He had fallen asleep. It was only a matter of time, since he'd been stressing for so long.

"Well, it looks like our little friend fell asleep. It's good for him" Komui commented, "Krory, Miranda, will you set up his sleeping gear? I'll put his pyjamas on in the next room. Don't worry, I've seen him before." Komui added when he noticed the alarmed look that briefly passed through Krory's eyes. He supposed Krory knew about at least one of the arm, cutting, or abuse. Komui didn't know which, if not all of them, that Krory knew about, so he didn't want to say any one in particular. But Krory seemed to calm at the last statement.

Krory and Miranda set up the sleeping bag and pillow and tucked Timcampy inside. Komui carried Allen into the next room while Lenalee grabbed his sleeping clothes. She left while Komui changed him, and then Komui tucked him in.

"Good night, Allen. Sleep well. You deserve it. And I hope that everything feels better when you wake up in the morning." Komui whispered softly over Allen's ear as he laid the small boy down. Allen rolled over and clutched Tim to his face, mumbling something that sounded like 'girl pillows'.

The rest of the group decided that it was probably time that they went to sleep themselves. It was into the early hours of the morning already. Before sleep, they decided that the next day, they'd visit Mana with Allen, if he wanted to. It would be good for him, they figured, and they all wanted to help their young friend if they could. He was special to all of them, and none of them wanted to see him in such pain.

* * *

**A/N**: I think I had too much fun writing this chapter, especially the sad parts. (feels like a terrible person now) Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading, anyone still out there. Feel free to leave a review. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	19. Run Away

**A/N**: Sorry it's been so long. I was distracted by knitting, and all the new patterns I found that I wanted to try. And I broke 100K words! Yay! Anyways, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

**Warning**: angst, vague YGO season 0 ref, suicide stuff, language

* * *

**Run Away**

* * *

_December 25 2008_

The next morning, Allen woke up to Komui humming a happy tune in the kitchen and the smell of pancakes and fruit wafting in. Allen's mouth watered at the scent, and his eyes sparked a little bit of hope before remembering the date. The spark disappeared, but he was still hungry. And Komui's cooking smelled good. He stayed hidden inside his sleeping bag with Timcampy in his face, trying to pass himself off as sleeping for as long as he could. He didn't want to face his friends, at least not until he had to. Unfortunately, his stomach rumbled a little, and he figured he couldn't hide the fact that he was awake any longer.

He snuggled deeper inside his sleeping bag in anticipation of what was coming. He expected Lenalee or Krory or someone to happily come shake him awake, teasing him about his stomach. He expected someone to shout 'Breakfast time!' or something like that in his general direction. He expected pitying glances and stares while one of them walked towards him with a sad expression and got him up to eat some food. But what Allen didn't expect was that no one came to him at all. He quickly stole a glance at the wall and understood why.

It was only 10am. No one would be awake yet. They had stayed up too late last night to get up this early. Komui was an exception, as he hardly ever sleeps anyways. Sometimes Allen suspected Komui of being some sort of robot, but only occasionally, and never with any sincerity. Although Komui did enjoy making robots, and setting them up with his own personality. Allen wouldn't be surprised if Komui replaced himself with a robot some day. Even if that situation is unlikely, he still felt he wouldn't be surprised should it actually come to pass.

Allen was content to lay in the warmth of his puffy bag for a while longer. He could sit and think, and no one would interrupt, at least until they woke up. Komui wasn't being loud, and the background noise was kind of relaxing. Allen decided that he could get through this if he just stayed there until it was all over, until the day was over. He knew he couldn't, but he felt that pretending that he could wouldn't hurt.

Many things went through Allen's mind. He was thinking about Mana and his death, of course, he tried to understand why all of the people in this house were being so nice to him yesterday (and this morning, but he counts it as yesterday since it was before he fell asleep), and he debated whether or not he would actually be able to escape, should he try to make a run for it. He figured it would be impossible because he'd be caught before he got his stuff even partly packed up. If he tried to just run out the door, he'd need to come back later and Komui would probably catch him anyways. Allen also wouldn't go because he still had to give the others their Christmas gifts. He had almost forgotten about those in the middle of everything that had happened yesterday.

Throughout all the thinking, Allen only felt one thing: absolute fear. Allen was terrified that the others would turn him away, call him a monster and a freak, or even worse, a murderer. They would call him stupid and a moron. They would kick him out and get him away from them for good. He would only harm them by being around, just like with Mana. They would leave before they had to die too. Allen thought that he could deal with the loneliness, but he was still petrified about being left behind by them. He couldn't bear the thought, even if he believed that that was best for them too. He knew that they should all leave him and get away, but he couldn't stand the thought of being left alone again. Even if he refused to admit it, he still knew that he really cared for the others deeply, and called them his friends. He didn't want to be torn apart from them, not when everything else in the world hurt him so badly. He knew that it was what he deserved, but he still couldn't stand it.

In the middle of these muddy thoughts, Allen heard some stirring from beside him. Miranda was turning over a couple of times, meaning that she must be awake, or just about awake now. People don't usually turn about when they're asleep, only when falling asleep or waking up. Based on the time, Allen assumed that she was waking. He froze in place and quieted his breathing, slowing it as much as he could. He needed to keep pretending that he was asleep, or else he'd have to face his friends. He didn't know if he could do that.

Miranda sat up and looked around. She saw Krory still asleep on one side of her, and Allen asleep on the other side. At least she assumed he was asleep, he was inside an unmoving mass of sleeping bag. She got up as quietly as possible and tiptoed to the kitchen to see if she could help Komui. It wasn't long before the crashing of dishes was heard, and the sounds of cooking tools hitting the floor. Typical Miranda.

Lenalee came down when she heard the racket, blinking sleep from her eyes, but otherwise looking happy. Krory slept like a dead man, hardly breathing, and not even a twitch at the loud noises. Allen kept himself tucked into his sleeping bad, hoping to pull of faking sleep, even after the noise. After all, if Krory was asleep, he could be too, right?

It seemed that it worked, because the three that were up, kept working in the kitchen, paying barely more than a glance to the two sleeping boys in the living room. They did poke their heads in to check a couple of times, but unmoving forms were hardly interesting for more than the second it took to look in.

Then, Allen came up with a plan. He figured that, even if he did have to come back to get his stuff, he could do it tomorrow or some other day. Just not today. Any other day would do. He didn't have too long to pull it off though, as breakfast smelled like it was almost finished. The others would come to wake him and Krory soon. He could fluff up his pillow and grab a nearby blanket and stuff them in his sleeping bag quietly and quickly. Then, he would get his bag, leave the gifts (they had name tags), and sneak out the door. He figured he would have a window of about five minutes, since that was approximately the frequency at which the three in the kitchen would check up on him and Krory. He wasn't worried about Krory waking up since he still seemed to be deep in sleep. He was going to make his move ten full seconds after the next one of them poked their head in to check.

Allen laid there for three minutes or so when he heard shuffling feet towards the kitchen door, a brief pause, then shuffling back into the kitchen. Mission, start.

Allen quietly slipped out of his bag and grabbed the blue blanket with the pink bunny on it from the couch. He quickly rolled up the blanket and slid it into the bag. Then he fluffed up the pillow and tucked it under the top of his sleeping bag. Briefly examining his work, and listening for the others, he decided that it was satisfactory and that he could go on to the next step.

Allen looked at his stuff across the room. He almost sighed with relief when he saw that the gifts weren't in his bag, but on the floor beside it. His bag was zipped shut and it should still have his things in it. Allen tiptoed across the room and pulled his bag over his shoulder slowly. He didn't want to make any noise by moving too quickly, despite his rush to leave. Something felt a little off, but Allen couldn't place it. He decided to ignore it for more important matters. He glanced at the clock. Two minutes or so until the next check. Not much time.

Allen carefully stepped back over Krory and towards the door. He was thankful that it was hard for anyone in the kitchen to see the front door. When he reached the mat, he slipped his shoes on partway, as he could do the rest of that outside, and slowly turned the doorknob. He felt the inaudible click as the sliding piece in the handle was now retracted enough to open the door. Allen quickly opened it, slipped out, and nearly closed it. He couldn't let in too much cold air, nor could he let the others hear the door shut. He closed it in the opposite way that he had opened it, and just as silently. Allen speedwalked halfway down the street in his falling off shoes before taking in a deep breath of air and letting it out. He had escaped. He took this time to put his shoes on properly. Allen started walking and thinking.

I can't believe I actually made it out of there. It's probably the biggest achievement of my life, sneaking out of a house. How pathetic. But that's what I am, pathetic. If that's what I am, then that's what all my 'achievements' can amount to. Pathetic.

At least I'm not with the others anymore. I can't get close to them, and I really shouldn't let them get close to me. I'll only hurt them, and after I've done that, they'll hurt me back. They'll ignore me at best, and rip up my emotions and maybe hit me or try to kill me at worst. But maybe them trying to kill me isn't the worst. If they actually succeed in bringing about my death, I won't be hurting anymore. I won't have to see Cross again, not that I know where he is or if he's coming back, but I still won't ever have the chance of seeing him again. I might get to see Mana... Mana...

Allen started crying a little, his tears dripping into the snow at his feet. He kept walking.

If I just died, I might get to see Mana. Or maybe not. I don't believe in a heaven and a hell. Dead is dead, and nothing more. Just blackness for the rest of time. No, it's less than blackness. It's nothing. But on the off chance I'm wrong, and I feel that's insignificantly small, Mana would be in heaven, and I'd be sent the other way. I wouldn't get to see him, probably. We'd be in opposite places. But maybe the devil would show me Mana, just to torture me and show me that I can never be with him again. It would be hell because it would be just like being alive. But there would be fewer people. There wouldn't be anyone because I'd be dead and I'd be in hell and I wouldn't have to hurt them and they wouldn't have to hurt me. Dying sounds real good right now.

But how to do it and where. I don't really know how I'd do it. I never really considered it. Maybe I could jump in front of a car? Just like Mana when he died, impact trauma by car. No amount of band-aids could fix me up again. Perfect. I can do it. And I'm fifteen too. It's the day that I promised myself that I could commit the ultimate taboo, in some people's minds. In my mind, it's accessing a better place. A non-feeling world would be much better than this one. I hate this place, I hate being me being here, and I hate my fucking life! I just want to get out.

As for where, I suppose I should do it in front of our old apartment. Seems fitting to me, Mana was killed there, so I should die there too. But first, I should probably pay him my respects, greet him, and confess to him about what I'm going to do. I can tell him that it's going to be fine, that everything will get better very soon, and that I'll be able to see him again after all this time. I can tell him just how much I miss him...

Allen paused to wipe his eyes and look around. There weren't any witnesses to his crying. That was a relief. He realized that he'd been unconsciously walking in the direction of Mana's grave anyways, and that he was almost there now. Convenient.

Allen finished the walk to the empty field that was a circus ground many years ago. More than ten years ago. He saw the old tree at the back of the field and trudged through the high snowbanks to reach it. He couldn't see the rock that represented a tombstone, for it was probably kicked away, or buried beneath the snow. A gravestone wasn't important, only the ones who lay beneath it and the memories that those living still have of the dead.

"Hey, Mana. It's been a long time. A year, in fact." said Allen, talking to the ground beneath the tree, "But this time, it'll be less than a year before I see you again, you can bet on it. I'll probably be seeing you again within the hour. I mean, within the hour here. I don't know if time is different in your world, or if you even have a world. I almost hope you do, just so that I can be with you again, even if I can't bring myself to believe in it. I know you were faithful to God, but after he took your life, I couldn't bring myself to be the same, though I did try. I really did." Once again, tears began running down Allen's cheeks, making them sting with cold, "But that's not really important, is it? If God is real, and we're his children, he loves us unconditionally and therefore should accept us no matter what and no matter how we come to him because Mana, I'm gonna do something that He considers a sin. A terrible one. An irreversible one. Mana, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna kill myself and I'm gonna come to you because I really miss you and I wanna see you again and I- I-" Allen started sobbing and hiccuping, "I can't live with-without you here. Y-You were the o-only one who ever lo-loved me, who ever cared f-for me, who ever m-meant it when you were n-nice to me. You were my d-da-dad. I never called you 'dad' but I lo-loved you just like you were my r-real dad be-because you were the only f-family I've ever known. Y-You're all I've ever ha-had." Allen ended softly, crying into the snow.

Allen fell to his knees and kept crying for another five minutes before calming himself down. He kept crying, but silently and without the sobs. He let the hot tears run down his face and let his cheeks freeze. What did he car for the cold when he was about to kill himself? What did anything else matter. Allen looked in his bag, just one last time.

He started laughing. It started as silent laughter, just shaking his body, then it became dark chuckles, then grew into almost insane laughter. His bag was empty. He had no keys, no clothes, no money, nothing. Just a small piece of paper with a note. It read, "I'm sorry Allen. I hid your belongings in my place, just in case. -Komui." Abso-fucking-lutely fantastic. Even if he'd tried to go back to his house, he wouldn't have been able to go inside. If he'd had a key, maybe he would have changed his mind about the suicide, though that is very unlikely. It's all Komui's fault. Now he just _has_ to go through with his plan. It's only a couple blocks away. Allen began his walk, laughing subsided, feeling almost better now that this wasn't his fault anymore.

At least the people at Komui's house had the gifts he'd bought them.

They'd better be damn appreciative of them, but it's not like I would know if they weren't. I figure that they'd probably chuck them, since they came from such a bad seed as I. Those people only pretended to care. They only pretended to be friends with me. They all pitied me. There was nothing more to our relationship. Those people were just waiting for a chance to strike and hurt the freak because it's so much fun. But no more, since the freak will be taking himself out of their lives. It's nice revenge, knowing that I'll be able to take away their fun, even if they'll be happier in the long run since I won't be around. Even if it benefits them, that's only a coincidence. I'm doing this for me and for Mana. No one else. I don't care about the consequences of what I'm going to do. I won't be here so what does it matter? I'll leave that mess for everyone else to deal with.

Allen was just about at the apartment. It was only around the corner, and the traffic on the street was average. Not terribly busy, but no more than five or seven seconds between cars. Plenty of vehicles to get his with. Allen rounded the corner and looked for a good place to 'cross the street.' He saw a gap between a red car and a blue car parked at the die of the road. He wouldn't be very visible to a car unless they were looking for him, and his hair helped him to blend in with the snow. Drivers wouldn't notice it if he walked out in front of them.

Allen turned his head left and looked down the street. He saw a car about ten seconds away. Still a little bit to wait.

He heard a female voice shouting. He didn't hear what it said because he really didn't give a damn and he wasn't paying attention.

Some horns blared as angry people were in a rush to get to their respective Christmas day brunches.

Some male voices were shouting, but it didn't really register in his mind.

Only about five seconds until the car would be at him. Allen took his first step forward.

"Allen!" He thought he heard someone who sounded like Miranda

More horns were honked and the voice in his head was drowned out.

"Allen!" His brain now had Krory shouting at him.

He took another step toward the road. Four seconds.

"ALLEN!" Now it was Komui.

"ALLEN FUCKING WALKER!" He heard Lenalee's voice, and it was right behind him.

"Wha-?" Allen was confused, Lenalee didn't swear. He half turned and tripped into the street. Squealing tires and brakes were heard and Allen felt himself get knocked over by a large blunt object. "Oof!" He landed hard, but didn't think he would have any more than a bruise. Damn it. He failed. The sense of failure immediately kicked in, severely depressing Allen. He hardly noticed that some strong hands had picked him up and brought him back to the sidewalk and sat him down on the bench in front of the apartment buildings. All he felt and thought was failure, and nothing else registered in his mind.

* * *

_Earlier That Day_

It was about ten minutes after Allen had successfully snuck out of the house that Lenalee went to wake up the two sleeping boys. Breakfast was ready, and growing boys needed nourishment, especially with the appetite that those two seemed to have. She started with Krory, a little nervous about waking Allen because of how he must feel now. She hoped that with Krory awake, she'd have more courage to wake him. She had to shake Krory quite violently, because he wouldn't wake to soft shaking, and he eventually grunted and woke up. How he got himself up for school was a question that Lenalee figured she would probably never have answered.

Krory sat up and looked around sleepily, "Wha' issit?"

"Breakfast is ready and I need to get you and Allen up. You two don't want to miss out on food, do you?" Lenalee asked, smiling brightly at Krory.

"Food!" Krory exclaimed, now fully awake. "Allen, food!" He jumped up and started shaking Allen a little, doing Lenalee's job for her. After a couple of shakes, Krory stopped and frowned at Allen's sleeping bag. "Allen?" he pulled back the sleeping bag. Lenalee tensed as he did this, but it was much worse when she saw what was inside his sleeping bag.

She looked around the room and noticed that his bag and his shoes were gone. He'd left the Christmas gifts and his sleeping bag and pillow. She couldn't decided whether she was angry at him for running away or sad for him that he felt he had to run away. She didn't know what she would do when she found him, shout at him, slap him, or hug him and cry into his shoulders. She hated things like this.

"Komui! Get in here!" Lenalee called

"Just a second~!" Komui answered.

"Now, brother! Right now! It's really important!" Lenalee almost shouted, desperation leaking into her voice.

"Coming!" Komui shouted back, "Miranda, put these in the over and turn it off. Then put this in the fridge." he instructed Miranda quietly and calmly. Then he ran to Lenalee and saw for himself what she was so anxious about. Allen was gone.

"Don't worry Lenalee, he'll come back. I don't know when he left, but it wouldn't have been too long ago. I took his keys and wallet and all the stuff out of his bag in case he tried a stunt like this. He'll come back shortly because he can't go back home, and it's cold out. Here is all he has right now." Komui tried to reassure her.

"But what if he doesn't come back?" Lenalee asked, very worried about their white-haired friend.

"Alright, if he isn't back in twenty minutes, we'll assume that he went somewhere else instead of home and we'll go look for him. But where else would he have gone? Nothing is open today, and his house is the only other place, right?" Komui asked, smiling at his sister and trying to make her feel better.

"Um... I'm sorry... I don't know.. but... Maybe couldn't he possibly have gone to maybe see Mana's, um, grave? I-It is Christmas day... after all... maybe... I'm sorry... I shouldn't talk..." Miranda said as sshe walked into the room before trailing off. So much for plans to visit with him.

Komui cursed quietly. Miranda was probably right. And who knows what kind of mess Allen could get himself into, if his previous suspicions about the boy were correct... He didn't want to think about that consequence. "Miranda, I think you're right. We should go right now, find him. It's not right for him to be alone right now, even if he thinks he wants it." Komui said seriously. This excuse would work because it was part of the truth, "Let's go. We should get to him as quickly as possible."

The four quickly put on their snow gear and left the house, Komui locking up behind them. There was nothing on in the kitchen and no food left out, just in case they were gone awhile. Lenalee power-walked ahead of the group because, one she was nervous, and two, she knew exactly where the group was going. The power-walking soon became jogging, then full out running and sprinting between street corners, looking for Allen. She was the fastest runner of them all, so she soon left the others behind, struggling not to lose sight of her.

Lenalee called for Allen at every corner, hoping that he hadn't gone too far yet, or that he'd hear her and come back. She figured that he'd probably ignore her calls, but she figured that it was worth a shot, in any case. It couldn't hurt.

They were running around the apartment building area for a couple of minutes when Miranda call Allen's name. She shouted it, and the other three turned to see where she was pointing. She, Komui, and Krory were all on the opposite side of the street, but Lenalee was on the same sidewalk, just a bit away from him.

"Allen!" Krory called, trying to get Allen's attention. He looked like he was about to cross the road with a car coming straight at him. And worse, he wasn't visible to the street and the car wouldn't notice him until...

Lenalee started running towards him. "ALLEN!" Komui shouted as loudly as he could, and that was quite loudly after basically being a grade nine teacher for a year and a half.

Lenalee was right behind him as she saw him take another step towards the road. What the hell was he doing? "ALLEN FUCKING WALKER!" she shouted, very very loudly, right at his back.

"Wha-?" Allen sort of turned and tripped into the road. The car that had been coming slammed the brakes, and thanks to the salt and mostly cleared roads, Allen was only bumped by the car, probably at no more than 10km/h. (about 6.5mph) He fell over, painfully, onto the pavement, and luckily, no one else was hurt.

Komui and Krory ran across the road, lucky enough to avoid the cars, and pulled Allen back to the sidewalk. They sat him down on a bench and tried to get him to talk to them. Miranda hurried over as quickly as she could, waiting for the traffic to pass.

The driver of the car got out and asked if he could do anything to help, like call an ambulance or something, but Komui told him it was fine, and Allen was just bruised up a little. It wasn't much to worry about. Komui took the license plate and the insurance of the man just in case, but didn't really plan to do anything, since he figured that it was probably Allen's fault in the first place.

Allen was completely unresponsive to anything. He was staring blankly at a single point on the sidewalk, not really focused on anything in particular. Komui tried calling to him gently, and waving a hand in front of his face to get his attention. Allen kept staring blankly. Krory tried shaking him a little bit, but the only sign of response was a reflexive flinch from the touch. Lenalee just stared at Allen's face, saddened by the incredibly hopeless look she saw upon it.

* * *

Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure. Failure.

It was an endless loop in Allen's mind. That's all he heard and all that he felt. Failure. Hopeless. Trapped. He felt worse than he ever thought he'd felt before. Maybe he did die and go to hell.

He felt something warm around his body. The flames of hell must be licking at him already. It's the only explanation for a sudden warmth in such a cold place. He felt even more of a failure to learn that he was wrong about the non-existence of heaven and hell. Here he was now, in hell. Just one more failure to add to his life. One more reason to be here. But The warmth didn't get any hotter. It didn't burn like fire did, and he knew what fire felt like, sort of. He was kind of unconscious for most of it.

He decided to look up and see what it was. He started focusing his eyes, and his ears followed suit. First, he saw a bunch of shoes on a sidewalk. They seemed familiar. This didn't make any sense at all. Why would he be seeing a sidewalk and shoes if he was in hell? Better not to question it, the terror of the vision would come soon enough anyways.

Then he heard some sobbing noises. They also sounded familiar. But where had he heard them before...? Well, hell would reveal it to him soon enough. He just had to wait it out. It was inevitable, so why be impatient?

Then he noticed that something was wrapped around his body. He slowly and stiffly moved his neck to look at what was attached to him. He saw a dark green winter coat and long black hair falling down it. He felt hot air on his neck, like someone breathing or crying on him. He felt the pressure of two arms around his body, holding him firmly, but not too tightly. He felt large hands over each of his two gloved hands, keeping them warm, and almost feeling a little comforting. And he felt two squishy blobs pressed against his chest. They felt... different. It wasn't bad or good, just not what he was expecting.

He figured that, since hell was giving him some sort of dream, he may as well play along. It wouldn't really matter either way.

"L-Lenalee?" Allen asked quietly.

"YES YOU GOD DAMN IDIOT!" Lenalee shouted in his ear. He could hear that she was barely keeping her emotions as stable as they were.

"Allen, we're all here. Me, Lenalee, Krory, and Miranda." Allen heard Komui's voice say. He figured it was probably him and Krory holding his hands, and Miranda's shoes on the sidewalk.

"You know Lenalee, it's kinda weird to be saying this, but your boobs are kinda squishy on my chest." Allen smiled as Lenalee back away to look at him. He decided to have a little fun before hell started torturing him. It couldn't really hurt the situation.

"YOU WERE JUST HIT BY A CAR AND YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY FUCKING BOOBS? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ALLEN? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE ASEXUAL, NOT A PERVERT!" Lenalee screamed at him, losing whatever control she had previously had, and messing up her priorities.

Komui let go of Allen and calmed her down while Allen took his time to answer.

"Just because I'm ace doesn't mean that I can't find something aesthetically pleasing, or a specific physical sensation pleasurable. I work like normal people do, I just don't want to have anything to do with sex." Allen replied calmly, still trying to smile to distract Lenalee and cheer her up, even if he felt like running and hiding. It's not like he could run away when he was in hell, though. "Wait, I bet I just totally missed an innuendo in that last bit." Allen said after thinking about it for about twenty seconds.

Lenalee started laughing a little while crying, "You stupid idiot. You always try to smile and make everyone else feel better even when you're the one who's really in pain. I don't get it, Allen. Why do you do that? You can trust us, right? You already have. But still, you keep doing this and hurting yourself more by not accepting help when you really need it. And this time, you got hit by a car and you could have been killed. And now you're still trying to act like you're okay. Just talk to us, don't run away. If you wanted to see Mana, just talk to us. We would have come with you, and if you wanted to be alone, we would have let you. You stupid stupid idiot." Lenalee lightly punched his chest.

"I don't know, I don't think you'd have left me alone that easily." Allen said back, teasing her.

Lenalee sputtered a laugh, "Well, maybe you're right about that one."

"I have a question for you Allen," said Komui with a serious, yet gentle tone, "What were you doing, crossing the street with traffic headed your way?"

"Oh, uh, I was just lost in my thoughts and wandering back towards your place. Thanks for taking my keys and money, and clothes, by the way." Allen said bitterly.

Komui didn't really believe that story, but he couldn't disprove it. The apartment was between the field and his house, and Allen was crossing the street in the correct direction. But the shock he was in a few minutes ago, it seemed to be a little to deep for just shock. And his facial expression... He would bring it up to the boy privately some other time. He couldn't have the teens be worried about Allen and have Allen get too on edge in front of them. He might just do something terrible, and possibly succeed (this time). Komui wasn't 100% sure about Allen's true intentions yet.

"Fair enough. Just be careful Allen, we wouldn't want anything bad to happen!" Komui said, knowing full well that Allen understood what he'd said. Allen's eyes twitched a little bit at the end of the statement. "Come one guys, we've got to get back for breakfast! I'm sure you're all hungry, 'cause I know I am. Krory, you want to help Allen up? It's a bit of a walk and he's probably still a little shaky from the accident." Komui said happily, trying to lift everyone's spirits.

Allen played along and kept up his fake smile, while allowing Krory to become a walking stick for him. He held Krory's arm and leaned heavily on him. Now, he figured he probably wasn't in hell. It was too real, too much sensation. If he was in hell, it would be either nothing or too much. Either way would be a torture, but at normal levels, it seemed he was still part of the world of the living. It felt too real, and hell wouldn't give him this long in a comforting experience, because it was long enough to forget about hell. It wouldn't make sense. He figured he was probably still alive, and with that, the feeling of failure came back in full force.

Allen stumbled a little, but played it off as shaky legs. He wanted to die, so badly. It hurt, but he was stuck. He couldn't do anything. Once again, he was trapped. He hated the feeling. He wished he could just run away.

* * *

_Komui's House_

The five ate breakfast happily, doing what they could to forget that the incidents of the morning had happened. Komui brought Allen some hot chocolate and a blanket, hoping to soothe whatever emotions were running through his head, and comfort his a little. They didn't want to ruin the mood or upset Allen, especially today. Allen hardly touched his food, but played it off as shock and nerves, leftover from earlier. The others, except Komui, accepted it, and Komui pretended to go along. He was keeping an eye on the small boy.

Soon after breakfast, gifts were opened. It was Christmas after all. Each one took his or her turn opening their gifts from Allen and looked very happy at what they'd received. They each gave Allen a good long hug and thanked him for his kindness. He was a very dear friend to each of them, after all.

Allen was zoning in and out during this time. He felt like he was there, just watching from outside his body, like someone else was controlling him. He was on automatic pilot while his thoughts spun around and around, making him feel sick and worse than before. He refused to show it. He couldn't ever show weakness. Not to anyone, anytime.

He silently prayed to Mana.

I'm sorry Mana. It looks like I'm not joining you right now. I feel guilty about promising that we could meet, but it wasn't my fault. It was unlucky. I'll get it right next time, I know I will. Just wait a little longer Mana, you'll see. Some day, we'll see each other again. Some day soon. I don't care if I fail in this life. If I fail, it means that it ends sooner. It's moving away from the stick and towards the carrot. If I fail this test called 'life' I don't care a bit. All that matters is that I get to meet you again. That I get to see you again. That we can be the father and son that we should have been these past eleven years. It's been too long, but it's almost at an end. At least I hope it is. I'll be seeing you soon... Mana.

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you enjoyed! Please review, I'd appreciate it. And thanks for reading, anyone out there. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	20. A Sleepy Day

**A/N**: Thanks to lilanimefan247 for the reviews. One for every chapter ^.^ I woke up to 12 review alerts one day, and happy danced. =) Anyways, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

**Warning**: Language. fluff

* * *

**A Sleepy Day**

* * *

_December 26 2008_

Allen was really out of it. He wasn't asleep, he hadn't slept at all last night, but he was very very tired. He was so tired that he had a hard time focusing on anything, making everything seem almost dreamlike. It was only 9am, and he couldn't even think. Today was going to be a bad day.

And the thumping noise in his head wasn't helping either. It just kept going and going and going... oh wait, it stopped. Only for a few seconds, then it started again. It was fairly rhythmic. Allen tried to figure out what it was, but couldn't come up with anything. It didn't match his heartbeat, not even close, and it wasn't his watch, which ticked instead of thumped. He couldn't place it. He decided to just play a tune in his head over the beat of the thumping, try to make an annoyance entertaining.

Allen started humming along to it. He was humming _I'll Make a Man Out of You_ from Mulan, for no other reason than because it's awesome.

_Must be swift as a coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, with all the strength of a raging-_

"Allen!"

With all the strength of a raging Allen? That doesn't make sense.

"Open the door! It's freezing out here! Stop ignoring me, I can hear you, you know! Let me in!" called a very annoyed Lenalee from outside the front door, "I've been knocking for like, five minutes! Open the freaking door already!"

So that's what the thumping noise was. Allen quickly went and opened the door for her. Lenalee walked inside.

"Hello Lenalee, what can I do for you this morning?" Allen asked with a yawn.

"Did you forget, Allen? It's boxing day today! December 26th." Lenalee said.

"Okay. Yes, it's the 26th of December. What's so special about today?" asked Allen, still not completely focused or awake. He figured that whatever she was here for could probably wait, but he didn't want to just turn her away. That would be rude. Whether or not he wanted to deal with her, and he didn't, shouldn't matter. He'd be polite and pretend like everything was normal and that he didn't want to die for failing to die yesterday.

"Today's that day you said we'd hand in our job applications together! Don't you remember? And we have to go early, before the big rushes in the stores. Well, I don't think 9am is quite early enough, but it's better than going at noon or later, isn't it? And this way we can be done and back in time for lunch." Lenalee smiled.

"Lunch, sounds good." Allen said, missing the main point of what she'd just said.

"So, get your stuff Allen, we're going to go now!" Lenalee said excitedly

"Wait, what? Go where?" asked Allen, confused.

"You've got to listen Allen. We're going to drop off our job applications." said Lenalee with a little impatience.

"Oh, right." Allen said glumly, "Oh right!" he said with realization, "That took a little while. Job applications, got it." Allen yawned again and went upstairs to get the applications that he'd filled out a few days ago. And to change into proper clothes. He figured that handing in applications while wearing pyjamas wouldn't make a very good impression on his possible future employers. After a couple of minutes, he was ready to leave, or at least as ready as he could have been. He was still very tired.

"Gosh you're quick. That's probably the fastest I've ever seen someone get ready before. Only about two minutes. Impressive. But we have to go now, or it's going to be really hard to find the managers, once they get busy with the customer service." Lenalee said, and reached for Allen's arm, "Come on, let's go!" Lenalee pulled Allen out the door, let him lock it, then dragged him down the street towards the stores because he wasn't walking fast enough.

"Geez Allen, for someone who changes so quickly, you sure walk slowly." Lenalee commented as they were walking, still pulling Allen along by the hand.

"Sorry Lenalee. I'm just tired. That's all." Allen told her, yawning again.

"Didn't you sleep at all last night? Or was it not very good...? I'm sorry I shouldn't be asking stuff like that." said Lenalee, looking down and blushing a little bit in embarrassment.

"You've got nothing to apologize for. I didn't really sleep last night, actually," Allen admitted, putting up his fake smile, "but it's doesn't really matter. I'll-" Allen yawned widely, "I'll be fine. The cold air will wake me up, I bet." He lied. He was still beat and tired from yesterday and all the thoughts that were running through his head the last night. He just wanted to make Lenalee feel better, even if he didn't want her to be around right now.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll slow down a bit if you're tired. Or maybe we could just go back to your house, if you aren't feeling up to it. Waiting another day or two to do this won't make any difference. Why didn't you say something sooner?" asked Lenalee, a little worried for her friend. He always did this, ignoring how he feels for what someone else wants.

"No, I'm fine. We're already out anyways, so why bother turning back now? And I'm feeling fine. There's nothing to worry about." Allen said, still using his fake smile, only to have it broken by another yawn.

"We may be out, but we aren't even halfway there yet. So it's not like we're right there and decide to leave. And of course there's something to worry about. You do stuff like this all the time! You tell us that nothing is wrong, even though something clearly is, and then you do your best to make us happy instead of worrying about yourself. Don't you think it would make us happy to see you happy too? Your opinions do matter, you know." Lenalee said, half scolding him and half trying to speak as gently as she could.

"What are you talking about, I don't do anything like that. I look out for myself, and seeing you guys smile is always a great thing. It's true that I do try my best to make you happy, but I take care of myself too." Allen said, not wanting to let her win this one.

"If you say so, Allen." Lenalee said, sighing. She didn't really believe him, but she knew he wouldn't give in on this point. He could be pretty stubborn if he wanted to be.

The two kept walking in silence, but at a slower pace because Allen looked exhausted. Lenalee kept thinking and worrying about her white-haired friend, while Allen enjoyed the silence and the emptiness that he could let his mind slip into. Thinking was just too much work right now. When the two arrived at the complex with the stores, Lenalee shook Allen's shoulder to get his attention. He flinched a little, but his eyes came back into focus.

"We're here. Your ready?" Lenalee asked, smiling and hoping to lighten Allen's seemingly dark mood.

It didn't really work. Allen pulled out his fake smile again, "Yep! I'm ready. Where to first?" He asked, trying to keep the situation light, and failing. Lenalee knew what he was doing, and she wasn't going to let it work. She wanted him to give in and tell her about... Well, she didn't really know. She just wanted him to stop hiding and hurting himself this way.

"Well, the applications are for Loblaws, McDonalds, Wal-Mart, Tim Hortons, and Subway. Timmy's is right here, Subway is just down the sidewalk, and McDonalds, Wal-Mart, and Loblaws are all across the street. I guess we can do the two here first, then circle around the other three. If we hit the McDonalds last, we can pick up lunch on the way out. How does that sound to you, Allen?" Lenalee asked

"Sounds good to me. Any order is fine. So, Tim Hortons is first. Let's go then, I suppose." Allen yawned again, and the two began dropping off applications at the various stores and restaurants. They managed to worm their way through the crowds, wait in long lines, and get to the managers without too much trouble, it just took a bit of time. They managed to get each application to the respective manager and chat for a minute or so with each. It was crazy in the stores, but it was worth it. It felt like an accomplishment, to hand in those papers, at least to Lenalee. Allen was still wallowing in the depths of his sleeplessness and failures.

"Well then, it's time for lunch!" Lenalee said happily, knowing that food would probably cheer Allen up a little bit. It worked like a magic charm on him.

"Oh, right. Lunch. Food..." Allen trailed off, thinking off food now instead of anything else. Lenalee's trick had worked, at least for now. She ordered a cheeseburger, a drink, and fries. Allen ordered four Big Macs, two large drinks, and five servings of fries. Despite his mood, he could still eat like a starving man.

"I am once again impressed by your ability to put away food like this, Allen. It's amazing, if a little sickening. Are all teenage boys like this? I never saw brother eat much." asked Lenalee, curious and trying to start an innocent conversation with Allen, one that wouldn't bring up bad memories.

"I 'no. I 'on' alk it uch uver moyz." said Allen, mouth full of food.

"Swallow first Allen, I can't understand you." Lenalee requested patiently.

Allen swallowed his food. "Sorry, I forgot. I said, 'I don't know. I don't talk much with other boys.' The only one I really talk with is Krory, and sometimes Komui." said Allen. He then took another bite of food.

"Oh, I didn't realize. I probably should have, you being the way you are with people." Lenalee said with complete innocence.

"What do you mean?" Allen asked, curious about what she meant, not so much for his own sake, but scientifically. He usually felt a scientific instead of emotional curiosity when thinking about himself.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that. But I just meant that you don't tend to socialize much. You keep to yourself. It's not a bad thing at all, really. It's just who you are. You're quiet and shy. And you kind of seem to dislike or at least distrust most people. I should have figured that you probably didn't talk to many others." Lenalee explained, trying to hide her embarrassment about saying something so thoughtless in front of him, especially when she was trying to avoid things like this.

"Oh, that's all? Well, it's the truth. I don't like a lot of people. I don't trust anyone, really. And I am kind of a huge introvert. It's just the way it is." Allen said, dismissing all of it. He kept eating his food and failed to notice Lenalee's behaviour. He was still a bit out of it, and food had his main focus.

The two stayed quiet for a bit and finished the food in silence. Awkward for Lenalee, and just normal silence for Allen. He failed to understand the awkwardness of the situation.

After the meal, the two dumped their garbage and went back outside. They walked around the shopping centre for a few minutes, not really going anywhere, and Lenalee spoke again.

"Say, Allen? Do you want to go home?" Lenalee asked, a little nervously.

"Huh? Um, I don't know. I'm having a hard time thinking right now." Allen rubbed the back of his head and smiled sheepishly towards Lenalee

"That's my point. You're clearly tired, and you have no energy. Do you want to go back to your house and rest? I can leave you alone so that you can get some sleep." Lenalee offered, not really wanting to leave him alone since there was probably a reason that he didn't sleep in the first place.

Allen felt a little excited by that idea. She had just offered to go away and leave him alone! All of her own free will so that he didn't have to hurt her feelings! It was great! But... She's a girl. And girls like to say the opposite of what they feel just so that they know that someone is paying attention to their wants and needs. Damn.

"No, I'm fine. We can keep walking or shopping, or whatever if you'd like. I'm-" Allen yawned, "Um... I'm a bit tired, yes, but I'm okay. Really."

"Then why don't I believe you? Didn't you say you'd stop lying to me like this?" accused Lenalee.

Shit. I screwed up. I thought that she was making sure that I was paying attention to her. Damn it. I really need sleep if I'm screwing up stuff like this. "I'm not lying. I can keep walking if you want, even if I'm tired. It doesn't matter too much." said Allen, trying to amend the situation.

"Well then why don't we just walk you back to your house and put you to bed. You really don't look so good right now, and I want you to feel better than this. Better than this sleepy you, and whatever else you might be feeling but won't tell me. Okay? We're going back." said Lenalee with a little force in her voice. He was stubborn and for once he at least needed to listen to something reasonable when it came to his health.

"I'm not going to win this one, am I?" asked Allen, staring at his feet as they turned in the direction of his house.

"No you aren't. If you won't take better care of yourself, then I'll just have to step up and help you out. At least until you learn your lesson." said Lenalee, taking his hand again, to reassure herself that he wouldn't escape. She wasn't dragging him or walking any quicker, just holding on to him.

"Very well. I don't have much of the strength to argue with you anyways. Let's just go home." said Allen, doing his best to sound tired and defeated. He was silently cheering.

There wasn't much conversation between the two as Lenalee took Allen back home, and that was fine with the both of them. Lenalee was a bit annoyed with the stupid idiot for being so careless about his health, and Allen just followed her mindlessly, slipping into a sort of semi-conscious sleeping state. He was still walking and vaguely aware of what was happening, but his mind was mostly asleep. He wasn't very good at the all-nighter thing, it seemed.

When they reached Allen's house, Lenalee woke him up the same way that she had at the shopping complex. She shook his shoulder, he flinched, and he woke up. At least enough to open the door and form cohesive sentences.

"Well, we made it back alright. Is there anything else you want, Lenalee?" Allen asked, trying to be a good host.

"I want you to go to sleep Allen. You need rest, badly. And if I know you, if I leave right now, you'll just start doing things and not go to bed. I don't know what you'll do, but it won't be sleeping. I can't accept that. It's bad for your health." Lenalee said.

"Wow. You're spot on." said Allen, smiling. He knew she wouldn't leave, even if she'd said so. He'd just let himself get his hopes up.

"That's the problem. Now you go change right now. Put on pyjamas, or sweats, or whatever you sleep in. And I want to see you wearing them in a couple of minutes. I know you can change clothes quickly.

"Alright. Alright. Don't worry about it. I'll be back down here in a few minutes." Allen said as he went upstairs to do as Lenalee said. He debated ignoring her instructions, but didn't have enough of a mind to do more than just mindlessly follow what she'd said. He stumbled a little in the hallway, but was glad that Lenalee didn't see it. She'd already disappeared from the bottom of the stairs.

Lenalee had gone into the kitchen to prepare a warm drink for Allen. She knew that warm drinks were good to help people sleep. He didn't have any tea in the cupboard, which was unfortunate, but he had milk and hot chocolate powder. She microwaved the milk until it was warm, and stirred in the powder, ready to take it to him.

She brought the mug upstairs. "Allen, are you finished yet?" Lenalee asked from outside his bedroom door.

"Yeah, I just finished. You can come in if you'd like." Allen replied, sounding as tired as he probably was. She figured this was a good thing.

"Here, I brought you some hot chocolate. Even if it's chocolate, warm drinks are supposed to help you sleep. So drink up." Lenalee said gently, handing him the mug.

"Oh, uh, thanks Lenalee." said Allen, taking the mug and moving to sit on the bed. His eyelids drooped a little at the sweet scent of the warm beverage. Lenalee smiled at this.

Allen sipped the drink at first, and then started taking longer sips. He drank it slower than he would normally drink anything, but it seemed normal to him to drink it this slowly. And Lenalee wasn't complaining either. She sat down next to him and waited for him to finish.

When he was done, Lenalee stood up and took the now empty mug. "Now get into bed. Right now, please." Lenalee instructed quietly. She didn't want to shake him out of his current state of half falling asleep and half trying to stay awake.

"But, what about you? Komui-" Allen was speaking slower than normal and a bit slurred before he was cut off.

"I can let myself out, and I have a phone to call him if he gets worried or if I need him for anything. Don't worry about it, you just go to sleep." said Lenalee, trying to remove any arguments he could come up with.

"But can't sleep with other people here. Not safe. No! I mean..." Allen trailed off, realizing that he'd let something slip that he probably shouldn't have.

"It's okay. I'll leave as soon as you're out. I just need to make sure you go to sleep first, because you probably won't if I leave you alone." she told him.

"Why you gotta be so smart? But can't sleep here, not with people. Just can't." Allen said, closing his eyes, but not trying to sleep, just ignore the world.

Okay then, I can leave the room. But I won't leave the house until I've made sure you're asleep, got that Allen?" said Lenalee, trying to compromise.

"I can't win this one either, can I?" Allen asked, eyes still closed.

"No, you can't. I know you a bit too well for that." said Lenalee, reaching over to give him a hug., her chest in his face.

"It's just like before, like cushy pillows..." Allen trailed off again, this time falling towards sleep. He felt a strange sense of comfort with Lenalee's arms wrapped around him, and he couldn't help it. He just ended up relaxing and passing out in her arms.

Lenalee noticed his body relax and his breathing change. "Allen? You still awake?" She asked. With no answer, she assumed he'd just fallen asleep right there. He must have been really tired. Lenalee set the white-haired head back down on his pillow, and tucked him into his bed. She put Timcampy in one of his arms, lightly kissed his forehead, and walked out of the room with the empty mug.

"Good night, Allen. I hope you sleep well. You need it." Lenalee whispered softly as she exited the room. She walked downstairs, feeling a little sleepy herself, put the mug away and picked a comfy spot on the couch. She soon realized what was about to happen and sent Komui a quick text saying that she was at Allen's and that she'd be a little late coming home, and told him not to worry.

"But worry he will." Lenalee chuckled to herself. She was a bit tired from the activities of the past couple of days, and made herself a bed out of Allen's couch. She too, fell asleep and the two teens had a very restful afternoon.

* * *

_Later that evening..._

Allen woke up after the quick nap. It wasn't a very long sleep, not because he wasn't tired, but because he just happened to wake up. He still felt tired, although much less so after a few hours nap, and he still felt depressed over his failures of the previous day. Nothing new, nothing special. He'd just been able to sleep, and it didn't help a bit.

Well, maybe a little bit. His feelings of failure were a little less intense than they were before, so that was new, sort of. They were still there, just not quite as intense as before. Allen supposed that this is what was meant by "time heals all wounds," although he still had some doubts about that particular phrase. Maybe the feelings of failure would go away eventually? He shot down that idea. They may weaken, but he doubted they'd ever completely disappear.

But that was one thing. He could dismiss that for now because he was hungry! He wanted food. It had been several hours since his last meal, and food is just too amazing to skip out on. He went downstairs to make a breakfast/dinner for himself.

He took the stairs quickly and failed to notice Lenalee napping on the couch in the other room. Allen went straight to the kitchen and started cooking.

The sleeping girl on the couch woke up soon after to the smell of bacon and eggs. She checked the time, 8pm, and wandered over to the kitchen.

"Hello Allen, good evening, since it's not really morning yet." Lenalee greeted happily, "Did you sleep well?"

Allen jumped and spilled some of the eggs he was scrambling onto the floor. He picked them up quickly. "Le-Lenalee. What-What are you doing here? I thought you went home? Komui is gonna be so mad..."

"Don't worry. I sent him a text message earlier. And he hasn't come barging in yet, so I think we're safe. Anyways, do you want any help with the cooking?" Lenalee pretty much invited herself to stay for dinner.

"Um, sure. You can make some toast, and butter it, I guess." said Allen, unsure about what to do in a situation like this. A girl had just slept at his house. And her brother is a crazy madman. But more importantly, she's a GIRL. Allen added some extra eggs and bacon to the pans.

"How many pieces do you want me to make?" Lenalee asked.

"Doesn't matter, just lots." replied Allen. He figured he'd be able to eat whatever amount she decided to make.

"No problem. And you never answered my question from earlier. How was your sleep?" Lenalee asked again, while putting some bread in the toaster.

"Oh, um, it was fine I guess. I never really pay much attention to sleep quality." said Allen, staring at the pan full of eggs and willing them to cook, since he felt awkward talking to Lenalee at the moment.

"That's good! And you look so much better than before, I'm really glad. And I bet you feel better too. See, this is what happens when you take care of yourself. Doesn't it feel much better?" Lenalee asked, talking like she already knew the answer and that if he denied it, then he'd be a liar.

"Um, I guess so. I don't really remember a lot from before, so I really can't say." Allen lied, but figured it was believable enough. He would never admit defeat to Lenalee, not in this case, because he believed that she was wrong. He always took care of himself, he just liked to make other people happy more than himself. They were worth it and he wasn't, simple as that. And he never forgot to eat, shower, keep things clean, do his homework, etc. Well, maybe the homework part sometimes. But the main point was, he took care of himself just fine. He was totally healthy.

Lenalee sighed in response to Allen. She figured he'd find a way to avoid what she was telling him. She knew he felt much better and that he knew it, but she also knew he'd never admit it. Allen is such a stubborn stupid idiot.

"Okay then. Well, it's not that important anyways, and it looks like the eggs are done. Want me to get some plates for you?" asked Lenalee, finished with the toast for now.

"Um, sure. That's a good idea." said Allen, moving the eggs off the hot burned and turning the bacon again. "Can you get me a plate for the bacon too, it looks just about done right now. And some paper towels." requested Allen.

"Sure thing. What are the paper towels for?" Lenalee asked.

"I put it on the bacon plate, then put the bacon on top. It absorbs some of the extra oil and grease from the bacon, so it's not so slippery and is very slightly healthier. I don't think bacon can really be considered healthy, extra grease or not." Allen explained.

"Oh, that makes sense." Lenalee said as she handed him the plates. Allen dumped the food out of the pans and onto the respective plates. He took two more plates from the cupboard and handed one to Lenalee.

"Here you go. Help yourself. I'll get the utensils and glasses out in a minute." Allen said, putting on a smile for her as he handed her a plate.

"Thanks Allen. It smells really good." said Lenalee

"Thanks. And you bet it does. I'm not a half bad cook, if I do say so." Allen responded lightly.

"Well, it looks really delicious. Thanks." said Lenalee, serving herself some eggs, bacon, and toast. Allen followed right behind her, taking much larger portions than she did.

The two moved to the table, Allen got the drinks, glasses, and silverware out, and the two began eating their meal. They talked about light things, innocent things, nothing really in particular. It was just small talk. Then, the front door burst open.

"Lenaleeeeeeee! It's been so long since I've seen you! And to find out that you're at a _boy's_ house too! It was so hard for your big brother to handle! Oh Lenalee, come home with meeee!" Komui cried as he ran over and hugged Lenalee, half pulling her out of her chair.

"Let go, brother." Lenalee said, putting a foot in his face. "I was going to call you to pick me up as soon as we'd finished dinner. That's not a problem, is it?"

"But, Lenalee. You're so cold to your big brother. And I was so worried about you!" Komui complained.

"Hello Komui, care to join us for dinner?" Allen invited. He knew that it was only a matter of time before Komui came storming over, so he'd prepared some extra food when he heard Lenalee come into the kitchen.

"Oh, Allen. How rude of me, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have barged in like that." apologized Komui, standing up properly now, and letting Lenalee go.

"Not a problem. I expected something like this to happen anyways. So, do you want to stay for dinner? It's a bit late, but if you're hungry, you're welcome to some food." Allen offered again, his fake smile on his face. He wasn't feeling quite up to a real smile yet. He still felt too down about his failures.

"Oh, thank you. I was so busy worrying about Lenalee that I forgot to eat tonight. Thanks." Komui admitted.

"Well then, I'll get you a plate and you can dig in. Help yourself, there's plenty of food." said Allen, trying to be a good host.

The three sat around Allen's table and ate their dinners. They kept up the small talk, and Komui and Lenalee were both happy that they were getting Allen talking and being friendly. He had seemed very troubled yesterday, and his apparent change of heart seemed like it was doing him some good. Even if this wasn't truly the case. Allen felt almost as bad as before, but he'd had some time to build up his mask and hide it. He would never let those two, or anyone else, figure that out.

Once dinner was finished, the two guests helped Allen clean up, then made their leave. It was already after 9pm, so they had decided that they'd stayed over long enough. The three said their goodbyes, and the two siblings left to go home.

After he closed the door behind them, Allen sighed. It was certainly a stressful day, even if he spent half of it napping. He thought for a little while, dwelling on his failure, and then forced himself out of it. He thought he was feeling just a little more comfortable than before, and that he'd be able to sleep alright. He was still in his pyjamas, so he figured he'd just go to bed now. He was more at peace than before, even if the same thoughts were still running around his head, every which way. He felt like he could sleep, despite that, and even though he had no idea why. Just another thing that didn't make sense.

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you enjoyed! Leave a review if you feel like it! =) And thanks to any awesome people out there who are still reading this story.

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	21. Camp

**A/N**: Sorry it's been a bit. This is kind of a filler sort of chapter, but it will have some relevance in the future. Thanks for a review from lilanimefan247. Enjoy!

**Warning**: some angst, not much plot, fluff, eureka 7 ref.

* * *

**Camp**

* * *

_February 2009_

How in the _world_ had Lenalee convinced him to do this? It made no sense. This went against everything Allen liked to do. This was wrong. This was stupid. This was bad. And yet, he'd agreed to do it, just because Lenalee had asked him (very nicely several times per day for the whole month of January, and finally started threatening to blackmail him until he'd decided) to do it.

He had signed up for his school's leadership camp, along with Lenalee and Miranda. It was a bad idea all around, but he felt like he'd had no choice in the matter, and he really hadn't. Leadership camp involved staying at the school for a weekend, playing games that targeted leadership abilities, and socializing and having fun. The first of those, Allen wasn't too happy with. He didn't like schools, so staying there voluntarily and overnight was not exactly his cup of tea. The second, he figured that was fine. Leadership is a useful characteristic for those who will be successful in later life, if he makes it that far. He wasn't completely sure yet. The third, Allen wasn't happy about in the slightest. Socializing, to say the least, was not his thing, and having fun was not something he was used to, so he wasn't sure how he'd handle that. He felt that it was going to be a long (and painful) weekend.

Now, it was here. It was Friday, the final bell had just gone, and Allen was sitting with Lenalee and Miranda in the cafeteria, making name tags and warm-fuzzy bags, and waiting for the camp to start. The dread he felt grew as he waited for the people running the camp to announce its commencement. He really wasn't looking forward to this.

After about half an hour of colouring with washable markers on paper bags and small pieces of bristolboard, the delegates and apprentices were called over to the front of the cafeteria for the rules. The rules were presented as skits, meant to be amusing for all of the students, but Allen's heart wasn't really in it. And some of the things that the students found funny, he just didn't understand. Like that rule about no purple. Girls are red, boys are blue, so no purple, dark red, or dark blue. Boys and girls couldn't just merge with each other, so that wouldn't be possible. He felt it was a stupid rule to mention, since it didn't make any physically possible sense.

What Allen felt was particularly useful was that the builders explained the different roles of people within the camp. Delegates, like Allen, Lenalee, and Miranda, are first timers or people who didn't get into the higher leadership ranks at the camp. They are the ones who participate in all of the activities run by the builders and apprentices.

Apprentices are led by their own builders to learn about running different leadership activities and games. The apprentices run one session and one game each during the camp. (There are nine sessions and three sets of games)

Builders are the people who run the sessions. Each builder has a group of about ten delegates to lead, and, as the name suggests, builds them into leaders, or at least builds a foundation through the different sessions.

Leadership heads are the two people who organized the camp, fairly straightforward, and Brut squad are the people who cook and serve the food for the camp.

After the rules and introductions of the different roles at camp, the delegates were sorted into their leadership groups. There were two builders per group, one boy and one girl. The camp had the theme "Time Travel" and all of the groups had themes within the category of time travel. Allen ended up in the viking group. When his name was called, he went to stand with the builders, and was then led away to their classroom, where they would spend the majority of the weekend, and where the sessions would take place.

He was a little relieved that he didn't know anyone in the group, and that they probably didn't know him either. It meant that he probably wouldn't end up getting close to any of them, and he wouldn't really have to talk to them at all. He could just sit back, shut up, and let the weekend pass by as painlessly as possible.

* * *

_First Session: Closing, Friday_

The two builders for his group were Nicki and Julia. They started off with a name game, just trying to break the ice and get to know the people in the group a little bit. He supposed it was their job, but he felt the name game was pointless since they all had name tags anyways.

"Okay, now that we've heard everyone's names, we can start discussing the ideas of the first session, 'closing'." said Nicki, "Do you have ideas as to why this session is called 'closing'?"

That's obvious. This question isn't even worth answering.

No one put up their hands for a moment, until one student spoke up. "It is called closing because we are effectively closing ourselves off from the outside world, and nothing before camp matters here. It's a new environment with new people and new experiences. In other words, the beginning of camp is like a new beginning of a temporary three day life. We are closing ourselves off from everything else while we are here." The student had blonde hair that he kept tied back, and a strange mole on his forehead. He looked about as happy to be there as Allen felt.

"Exactly right, Howard. You're pretty smart. While we're here we are closing ourselves from the outside world. This group is going to be your family for the next three days, and hopefully we'll all remain friends after camp is over." said Julia

"Yes, and to make camp a great experience for everyone, we'll all follow some simple rules here in session. You may think they seem obvious, but try to keep them in mind anyways. Just keep a positive attitude, speak for yourself, no superiority, one speaker at a time, don't push others into doing more than they wish, try not to kill the fun, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be yourself." said Nicki.

"Everyone understand?" asked Julia

There were nods and murmurs of agreement to the rules. Allen looked a little curiously at Howard. He didn't really like him that much, but he never liked anyone very much. The guy looked like he didn't really want to be here, so Allen figured that the two of them had something in common. He wouldn't actually go and talk to the guy, but he can examine him from a distance, learn a little. That's all. Nothing more than that would happen. He didn't want the guy to suddenly think that they were friends, because Allen didn't trust people. Friendship involves trust, and Allen wouldn't give it.

For the rest of the session, they all played the Jelly Bean game to continue introductions. The Jelly Bean game consisted of each member drawing three jelly beans from a bag, and based on the colour, had to answer a specific question about themselves, such as greatest fear, story from childhood, guilty pleasures, hobbies and interests, etc. Nothing special, nothing deep and personal. Allen figured he could survive that. Even if he was supposed to answer honestly, if he wasn't comfortable, he could just put up a smile and come up with a realistic sounding lie. It's not like anyone could prove anything, and it's not like he'd ever see any of these people again after the weekend. He'd be completely safe.

Honestly, he found the game sort of boring, but did his best to keep focused anyways. He tried to remember some things about some of the people, but there was too much information from too many people. He only managed to keep a couple of things in his mind, so that he could at least not know nothing if someone tried to talk to him later on.

The end of the session brought about dinner, which Allen was truly happy for. Even if he had to sit with his group at this meal, instead of with people he knew, he could bear with it. He would be eating, so he wouldn't have to talk, after all, it is rude to talk with one's mouth full.

After being served the food, Allen went to his group's table and sat down. He started to dig in immediately because he was very hungry. He was soon approached by another group member.

"Hello Allen, may I sit next to you?" asked Howard, the boy who'd answered the question earlier.

"Don't have to ask. It's the group table, sit wherever you'd like." answered Allen.

"Thank you. And I don't believe I've properly introduced myself. I'm Howard Link. It's nice to meet you." said Howard.

"We did this earlier, name game and Jelly Bean game and all that stuff. I know who you are, Howard." Allen said, a little irritated that his meal was being interrupted by his group member.

"Well did you know that I prefer to be called Link instead of Howard?" asked Link

"No, I didn't, and I apologize for that, Link." said Allen, looking back at his plate to continue eating.

"Those games weren't sufficient for introductions, were they?" said Link, speaking more quietly and sitting down next to Allen, "You look like you don't really want to be here too badly either." Link commented

"How'd you figure that out?" Allen asked

"You weren't terribly enthusiastic, and were following the rules a little too carefully. Good job with that smile though, it's really quite impressive how real it looks. If I hadn't noticed the lack of enthusiasm and the strict rule following, I'd have thought that you were having a wonderful time like everyone else." Link explained.

"Damn, I thought it was perfect. Thanks, I'll have to fix that." said Allen, "And what about you? You're not even trying to hide the fact that you don't want to be here."

"Well, it's not so much that I don't want to be here as that being here is the lesser of two evils. One of the rules was 'be yourself,' the one rule you don't seem to be following, so I'm not going to hide that. After all, this is what they asked for, is it not? The builders shouldn't be complaining about it." Link told Allen.

"That makes sense." said Allen, as he went back to eating his food. He was mentally kicking himself for getting noticed so early on and for actually having a conversation with another person. It was a stupid idea, but from the feeling he got from Link, it didn't seem like he'd tell anyone about what Allen thought or what he was doing. He took that as a small blessing. The two sat in silence for the rest of the meal, waiting patiently for the next session to start.

* * *

_Second Session: Communication, Friday_

Back in the classroom, the group started session two. The topic for this session is communication. Understandably, communication is an important aspect of leadership. The both parties, the leader and the followers, understand the situation and what needs to be done is important to get a specific task done. That's exactly what the group did for this session.

They walked into the room and Julia was dressed up in strange colours with sparkly face paint. There was a mattress on the floor and there were blankets scattered throughout the room. The group was confused.

"Okay guys, Julia here is an alien from another planet. She doesn't understand English, or any other language that we speak here. I want you guys to get her to make the bed here." announced Nicki, "Use whatever means you think are necessary, other than physical manipulation, but don't forget to be nice. Good luck!"

With that, the group began to figure out how to get this "alien" to do what they needed her to do. Allen didn't participate much, but he observed his group, and the different aspects of what went wrong and right during the "game." They had managed to teach the "alien" a few spoken commands through copying body language, and were able to direct her fairly well with these spoken commands and more body language. The non-verbal communication seemed to work most effectively since the "alien" would sometimes overdo the actions, or not do it quite as the group had expected, like putting the sheets on the mattress sideways, and dropping the sheets every time the group had her "stop." In the end, the bed was made after about 45 minutes. Allen noticed that Link was doing more or less the same that he was, just watching the group and observing their behaviour.

"Good job, you guys! That went really well, and you finished fairly quickly. We have another game prepared for you, just in case you happened to finish the alien game early. I'm fairly sure you've all played this before, but let me explain the rules after you get into partners." said Nicki as the delegates picked their partners. Link walked toward Allen, and named the two of them partners for the next game, whatever it would be.

"Okay, you're all in partners, good. Now for this game, you'll have one person with a simple picture, a stick drawing or something like that, and another person with paper and a marker. You two will sit back to back, and all of the partners will sit next to each other in a line. All the people with pictures on the right side of the line, and the people with markers on the left side. The people with pictures will have to describe the picture using verbal communication only and without showing the picture to their partners. The partner with the marker and blank paper will try to draw the picture that their partner is describing as accurately as possible. I hope that makes sense. Do you all understand?" asked Julia

There were yeses and nods throughout the group.

"Very good. Now pick which partner is which, sit down, and we'll start the activity." said Julia as the delegates proceeded to follow her instructions.

The game was fairly simple. Allen was drawing and Link was describing. The two made a pretty good team. Allen had to draw a house with a sun and a tree. Link described it pretty well perfectly, and the two were the first group to finish. On top of that, the drawing was incredibly accurate.

"Looks like you two have mastered verbal communication." Nicki commented.

Once the group had finished the game, they moved to a space in the classroom where they had cleared away some desks, and sat down to debrief.

"As you know, this session was called "Communication." Can anyone tell me what you have learned about communication from the two different games, or rather, what the point of the games was?" asked Julia

One person put up a hand. "In the first game, we learned about how difficult it is to communicate without language and without previous experiences to go on. It's sort of like if someone moved here from another country. If they aren't familiar with customs or cultural values here, it might be hard for them to get it right. Especially if they don't understand the language at all either. We rely a lot of language to communicate, so having to do without it is hard."

"Very good. That's right. In the first game, that was exactly the point we were trying to show. What sorts of things worked better that others while you were playing that game?" asked Nicki

"Well," started another group member, "When we were all talking at once at the beginning, Julia got kind of confused about what to do or who to listen to. Having one person speak at a time with a couple of others giving that one person suggestions worked out really well."

"You're right. Having too many people try to take a leadership role at once becomes confusing and even if all of the ideas are good, they may not work so well together, or all at the same time." said Nicki, "You guys really understood the point of that game. Now what about the other one? How about you Allen, since you and Link were the first to finish. What did you think was the point of that game?"

Allen was stunned to silence for a second. He hadn't expected to be called on, and didn't really want to speak up. That's probably why Nicki was asking him to do so right now. "Um, the point was that, in contrast to the alien game, verbal communication is also an important form of communication. In the alien game, it was hard to use verbal communication. In this game, we could only use verbal communication, which for describing pictures is much more difficult. I think that the two games were meant to contrast each other so that we could learn that all types of communication are important. Verbal, and non-verbal." Allen finished.

"Wow, you got it spot on." said Julia, "That's great! And what perfect timing. This session is over, and it's about time to start the dance, or hang out time if you'd prefer not to dance. You can do pretty much whatever you want, just stay in the cafeteria where the dance is, or the main lobby. Go have fun!"

With that, the group left and most of them headed for the cafeteria. Allen decided to go to the lobby, since he wasn't a fan of dances. He also figured he'd find Miranda and Lenalee there too. Well, at least Miranda. He figured that the loudness and social-ness of a dance wouldn't be her thing either. Link happened to follow him to the lobby.

"I'm not stalking you, Allen. I just don't like dances." said Link, when he caught Allen glancing back at him.

"It's your business, you don't have to tell me. And I never said you were stalking me anyways." said Allen.

Allen met Miranda in the lobby. It turned out that he was correct that she didn't enjoy dances. Lenalee went in for a bit of fun, but Miranda said that she'd probably come out to join them for a little bit before bed. The two talked for awhile until Lenalee eventually joined them. Then the three talked until lights out. Allen had to go to the boys sleeping area, and the girls went to the girls sleeping area. With that, Allen did his best to go to sleep, since camp started early enough in the morning.

* * *

_Third Session: Trust and Risk, Saturday_

Getting up for 8am, just to eat breakfast and play games led by the apprentices. Not fun. It was too early, and games involving one hundred and fifty people were just way to big. It ended up as a mass of teenagers running around the gym, making lots of noise, despite most of them trying to pay attention to the instructions.

After the brief game time, the delegates went back to the classrooms to start the next session, trust and risk. Probably one of the ones Allen was least looking forward to. Trusting people? Not something he did. Taking risks? Also not terribly fun, at least in his mind.

Luckily, this session was mostly the builders talking about trust and risk. They explained how trust and risk work together, and about the comfort zone. They explained that sometimes, getting out of the comfort zone and taking risks is what is needed. It is needed to help one adapt, and to react to fear, among other things. That is when trust comes in, if you need help with any of the risks in life, there are people that can help you out, like friends and family, provided that the one person gave them trust to help him/her out.

From there, the builders mentioned self-trust. The inner confidence and certainty in what one is doing, and that all is well on the inside, despite what the outside says. This self-trust is supposed to help one let go of fears and see the bigger picture, instead of focusing on the small things that keep one stuck within the comfort zone.

Allen knew enough about self-trust. Yourself is the only one that you can trust, after all.

After that, the game was trust falls from desks. To learn to trust the group like a family who wouldn't let you down, The group would stand in the catching position, prepared, when you got up on the desk. The person on the desk would count to thirty, turn around and see no one there, representing isolation, loneliness, doing things by oneself. The group stood outside the room until the person turned around again to count to thirty once more. During that time, the group would quietly set themselves in position again. At the end of the thirty, the person on the desk would fall backward without looking to see if anyone was there, trusting that the group would catch them when they fall. This represents the idea that these people are always there to help you when you can't do it by yourself.

During Allen's turn, he didn't trust them at all, but had to do it anyways. It wasn't something he wanted to do, placing trust in these random strangers. While he was standing up there, counting to thirty for the second time, he figured he could just fall. It wouldn't matter. He sort of almost tried to kill himself just over a month ago. What's a fall compared to dying? Nothing really. If he wasn't going to be afraid of nonexistence, why would he be afraid of a tumble off a desk? He didn't have to trust them, because the short distance wouldn't matter. Even if he split his head on the floor, maybe he could die that way.

"28... 29... 30" Allen counted aloud, as he fell backwards. As expected, the group caught him, and Allen was mildly disappointed, but at the same time, had a small adrenaline high. The fall was actually kind of fun, and he almost wanted to do it again. This was the same feeling he felt when he was about to make a cut. His heart was pumping quickly, and he felt a small excitement. It was weird, but he accepted it.

Once the whole group had done their trust falls, the delegates and builders went outside for Outdoor Games. It was cold, and once again, something Allen didn't want to do, but he figured it may turn out better than he'd thought it would. After all, the trust falls were much more fun than he'd expected them to be.

* * *

_Fourth Session: Teamwork, Saturday_

So that wasn't as bad as it could have been, until Allen got tackled, bumped and bruised, soaked, frozen, and a little scratched up from the snow that was shoved in his face. They played a one hundred and fifty person game of British Bulldog (aka octopus, seaweed, bullies). It was chaos on a football field, not much different from normal to Allen since he knew just about nothing about the game.

After changing out of his wet clothes, he headed back to the classroom with the rest of his group. He wasn't the only wet one, so he wasn't alone changing into more comfortable attire. He did his best to warm up while inside, rubbing his arms and legs and wherever else it was cold, but it wasn't terribly effective since his hands were cold and wet too.

After that miserable experience, that wasn't actually too bad, aside from the cold and wet part, the group began the session on teamwork. This session was run by apprentices, two per delegate group. The apprentices took turns explaining the different games that they'd play. The first was a kind of dangerous sort of game, but they agreed to stop if the group deemed it too dangerous. The group was taken into the hallway where the ceiling was higher, and were told to make a human tower to get one person to touch the twelve foot ceiling.

It took some time to come up with a good strategy, but they managed to figure out an effective means to make a human tower. It worked almost like a staircase, so that the person on top could just climb up. In all there were three layers of people, the base, the middle, and the person on top. Because he was a fairly small guy, Allen was part of the middle group. He didn't like having to sit on these people while holding up another person, he felt off-balance. He wasn't on the ground where he could feel stability under his feet, and he wasn't on top, so he was also balancing someone else as well as himself. Not a place that he wanted to be.

It was all over and done quickly after they'd figured out what to do. After half an hour of building the human tower, the smallest girl in the group climbed up and touched the ceiling quickly, before climbing down again.

With only a bit of time left in the session, because this session was the shortest, the apprentices summarized the different parts of teamwork and what made it more or less successful. Each person in a team has a different role that helps out the team, such as a leader, encourager, fact seeker, summarizer, elaborator, and other roles that help with coming up with ideas and setting them in motion. They discussed things that block teamwork, like negative comments, perceptual differences, and emotional blocks. In a place like camp, the only of these block that would be present might be perceptual, but based on the simplicity of the task, touching the ceiling, the blocks were, for the most part, non-existent. They explained the blocks for the purposes of real world situations.

They debriefed with quick reminders about positive encouragement and how well that works to improve group dynamics. After all, if relations are negative, then the group won't work together terribly well.

Since session four was finished, it was now time for lunch.

* * *

_Fifth Session: Stress and Time Management, Saturday_

Lunch was certainly interesting. People were sorted into tables by birth month, then served food. They made wraps the way the liked them, and sat back down at the tables. Then builders came along and tied all of their hands together. Then they were expected to eat the wraps. It was terrible. Half of Allen's food ended up on his plate and he couldn't reach it to eat it. He supposed that they were supposed to work as a team, since they'd just come out of the teamwork session, but he didn't care. He just wanted food.

Leaving the cafeteria, still hungry for the bits of his wrap that had ended up on the floor, Allen made his way back to the classroom for the Stress and Time Management session. This wasn't going to be fun. It even said stress in the name, as if the rest of camp wasn't stressful enough.

Nicki and Julia, once the delegates were all back in the room, told the delegates to follow them outside for two special games that they'd prepared. The first was called the "Grid Game." The goal was to make it across the grid without stepping on the bad squares, meaning, take the correct route. They were told that there was more than one correct route, and that the two of them had the correct paths written on the piece of paper that they were holding. If anyone made it across and someone else messed up, then anyone who was across had to go back and start again.

Each delegate took his or her turns attempting the way across the grid, and trying to figure out what the strange symbols on the grid meant. It was a tough mind puzzle, and Allen began to suspect the builders of just screwing with them, even though they had an answer key and they were supposed to be nice to everyone. Even though they were supposed to be nice, it didn't stop them from being impatient when it hit the half hour mark and only three people had made it across.

"Other groups finished this game in less than ten minutes! What's taking you guys so long?" complained Nicki.

"Seriously, it's not that hard. Just think about it for half a second and you'll figure it out." said Julia.

Some of the other delegates were getting quite frustrated too, but Allen didn't really care. It was just a square grid on the ground. He didn't care about making it across, he just wanted to get through the weekend.

"Okay, it's been forty minutes, and you still haven't got it. We're just going to move on to the next game." said Nicki, sighing as he led them to the next area.

"Okay, this is a game you've all played before, I'm sure." said Julia, "It's called spiderweb. This yarn is draped across the hall many times, in and out of itself, making holes that very loosely resemble a spiderweb. Get each person through the web without touching the yarn, and you can only use each hole once. If one person touches the yarn, you all go back and start again."

The group worked again, getting a couple big guys through the bottom, then trying to pass the smaller people through the top and middle. It was hard to not touch the yarn, and they were all sent back several times. There just weren't enough holes big enough for people to fit through to actually be able to win. This game too, was getting very frustrating.

"It's been another half hour. This game is even easier than the grid game and you still can't do it! Other teams finished both of these games a long time ago. And I thought it was a treat that you all got to play these." said Nicki, sounding disappointed in the delegates. They all began to feel disappointed in themselves for letting the builders down.

"Let's go back to the classroom. We can debrief there." said Julia as she led them all back to the room.

Once back at the room, the group sat in the corner quietly, awaiting the debrief for their frustrating failures.

"So," Nicki started, "How stressful was that?" he sounded in a happier mood. The delegates were confused.

"Here let me explain. This is the solution to the grid game." Julia said as she turned over their answer key. The delegates started laughing at how simple the answer was. It was quite funny.

"A similar situation applies to the spiderweb. There weren't enough holes big enough to fit you all through. And all those things we said about other groups being better? They were lies to stress you out more. We wanted to stress you out so that we could show you how we deal with it here at camp." Nick said, "Follow me."

The delegates followed him into the hallway. Nicki started running down the hall screaming and banging on lockers.

"What are you standing there for? Let out your anger and frustration and do what Nicki's doing!" encouraged Julia, and she too started running and screaming and hitting lockers. The delegates shortly followed, albeit a little hesitantly and nervously. By the run back, they were having an all out blast running and screaming, even the party poopers, Allen and Link. Running and screaming was kind of run, and relieving as well.

"We have one more thing to do to debrief. So come inside and grab a pen and paper bag." Julia said.

"What you're going to do is write down a list of stressors and fears in your life. Write them on the bag. Afterwards, we'll go around the circle and you can share if you'd like. You always have the right to pass if you don't feel comfortable. Then we'll go outside and burn the bags, burn the stressors away so that we don't have to worry about them, at least here at camp." explained Nicki.

They took about five minutes to scribble on their bags, and began sharing their stressful events. Allen only chose to share one, being the centre of attention. It bothered him, the stress of being put on the spot. Link said something about following strict orders to the letter, and Allen didn't pay much attention to the rest of the people. He was worrying about the stresses that he'd written down, namely Cross. He didn't know where the man was or if he was coming back, but he was sincerely afraid of what would happen in the future in relation to that man.

The group went outside and burned the bags with a cigarette lighter. Watching the little fires float away and burn out in the snowbanks lightened the mood a little. The builders talked about how it was a good idea to have healthy methods of stress relief so that the stress didn't end up burning you up inside like the bags were burning right now. Then the group went for dinner.

* * *

_Sixth Session: Self, Saturday_

Dinner was nice to Allen because, even though they were all given "dinner dates," they could sit wherever they wanted, and Allen could sit near Lenalee and Miranda. Allen's date was come girl named Lou Fa. Allen didn't care for her especially much in any particular way, but she agreed to sit wherever Allen wanted, and that was fine with him. He made his way over to Lenalee and Miranda, whose dates were some guy named Malcolm, and Link respectively. What a coincidence, Link was eating dinner with him yet again. He really couldn't shake this guy.

Lenalee seemed nervous around Malcolm, and did her best not to speak with him directly, despite him speaking straight to her most of the time. He was a little intimidating, and Link obviously respected him greatly. To Allen, he just felt like a typical bully, and not someone he really wanted to deal with.

Dinner went by as painlessly as possibly before the next session started. The next session was called 'Self' and it was one of the two sessions that Allen was looking forward to, the other being 'Opening.' He figured that it would be a lot of introspection and stuff, and that he could deal with. He could think to himself for an hour and a half, maybe listening to the builders too, but all in all, not a bad session. Of course, since when do things fadge correctly for Allen?

It started with about twenty minutes of writing letters to yourself, which the builders would hold on to and give back at the end of camp. It was so that the letters wouldn't get lost. The delegates were encouraged to write as much as they could about anything they wanted, since it was a letter to his/herself. Getting thoughts down is a good thing, they'd said, and that writing to themselves, as a way to reflect and look back in later times might be helpful in the future, or at least provide some insight into themselves. Teenagers usually have problems with identity at least once through their adolescent years, and having solid writing to look back at could help stabilize some of those feelings, and maybe help them to figure out what they need.

Allen wrote down a sentence about each person in his group, briefly describing one strong personality trait from each of them, but this was a letter to self, so he spent the rest of it writing down anything he thought about himself.

_I don't really know what to do. Life sucks, I hate it, I hate me, and I really don't want to live. I only came to this camp and am only writing this letter because Lenalee coerced me into being here. This isn't really my thing at all and it's only making me feel like more of a failure, since I can't be any of these things that they expect in a leader. I just feel more depressed about everything because I'm unable to do any of these things._

_I'm not a nice person. I can't be true to myself. I usually take the followers role in situations. I can't do much in terms of teamwork either, as I have very few helpful skills for any situation. I can cheat and lie, but that's about it. Nothing that could actually help anyone. I'm just an awful person who doesn't deserve to live. I wish I had succeeded on boxing day, even though the end of that attempt wasn't really an attempt. It was a trip and fall, and that would've been an accident. I don't know if I could call it an attempt since I accidentally tripped. I still wish I had been hit at high speed, though._

_That's just one more thing that I failed at. Suicide takes practice, apparently. Maybe, if I ever try again, I'll be able to succeed. I'll make sure I do. It'll be a foolproof plan. And a smartproof plan. There won't be any possible way to be "saved" from death. I'll do it properly, and not have to feel like a failure because for one, I'll have succeeded, and for two, I'll be dead. Finally._

_I bet Lenalee would kill me for that, but she doesn't have a say. I should have say in my own life and whether to keep it or end it. No one else should be able to dictate that, but religion tries to, anyways. At least I'm not religious, or that might be a problem._

_In any case, I still don't know what I'm going to do. Di I live? Die? Wait longer? I don't know. Am I happy? Clearly not. Sad? I don't really know. I can't tell. Do I want to live? No. I don't. That's as far as that goes, and anything else is up to the future to decide. I'll find out when I get there. If I get there. We'll see if I'm still around in a year or so, or whenever I decide to read this next time. That is, if I don't lose it or recycle it by accident. We'll see I suppose. Until then, I don't really know._

_Sincerely, Allen Walker._

The rest of the session was spent going in a circle and talking about goals for the future, immediate and distant. With the extra time, the group continued the Jelly Bean game from the closing session. It seemed a good way to share bits and pieces of themselves with the rest of the group.

When session was over, the delegates got their numbers for Big Game and headed to the gym for instructions, and to meet with their Big Game groups.

* * *

_Big Game and Seventh Session: Polyadics, Saturday_

Allen was in group thirteen (out of fifteen) for big game. The instructions were simple. It was a school-wide scavenger hunt for items across time. Each item was worth a different number of points, and some were easy, some were hard. For certain items, there were only one or two of each. It would be a competition. The groups needed to collect as many items as possible for as many points as possible. The group with the most points after an hour and a half wins.

They let the delegates loose, and they started searching for the items around the school. Some builders ran stations with mini-games to win specific items on the list. Some were easy, some were hard, and there was a vendor who claimed to be selling hints and traded specific items, but mostly the vendor was just lying and tricking them into trading real items for fake items.

It was kind of fun, running across the school and checking off the items they'd collected. Allen even won one mini-game for them. He stepped up and volunteered to eat a cake with his face, provided he was allowed to temporarily separate from the group to clean up afterwards. He was the fastest that those builders had seen all evening, and as such, he won on of the harder items to collect. It was actually kind of fun for him.

In the end, his group didn't win, not even close. They were placed around seventh or eighth, solidly in the middle. It was fine with him, they didn't have to stand up there and be applauded, and they didn't place at the bottom either. Once Big Game was finished, all of the delegates, apprentices, and builders returned to their respective rooms for polyadics.

Polyadics, as the builders explained, was a group bonding session where the group pretty much talked about anything and everything for two and a half hours. It's supposed to give time for each member to talk about his or her feelings, if they want to, or share experiences and stories, or just talk if that fits the mood better. This group decided that they'd just talk. Unfortunately, the topics didn't suit everyone. Allen got bored quickly, since he had no input for the conversation about American politics. They lived in Canada, and they were talking about the government of the United States. It didn't make sense to him, so he just lost himself in his own thoughts.

Link started talking to him quietly about how boring he thought it was, and how inappropriate the subject was for the group. Only the same four people were talking about the subject, and the rest of the group was quiet and bored, for the most part. Unfortunately, one of those four people was Julia, so she didn't notice the quiet delegates. Nicki wasn't adding anything, but he was watching with a keen interest. Link and Allen just started their own whispered conversation for about ten minutes. Julia caught them and told them that it was rude to have their own conversation while the group was on a different subject.

It wasn't terribly nice, but the subject switched soon enough to one that more people could contribute to, life experiences and stories. Due to the four wall rule, none of these can be repeated.

After two and a half hours of not-so-interesting conversation, in Allen's eyes anyways, they were allowed out to go to bed. It was late enough already, and they all had to get up early for the rest of camp tomorrow.

The delegates left to go to bed.

* * *

_Eighth Session: Leadership, Sunday_

Breakfast at 8am again. Then more apprentice-led games. Another slot of time spent running around a gym with one hundred and fifty other students. Then session. Leadership, this one was. The group was given a task list with ten things, given to them by the builders. There were a variety of things on the list, each worth a different amount of points upon completion. The first thing was to put up warm fuzzy bags in the cafeteria wall, where the group name was. It was worth ten points, and was very easy to do. Taping paper bags to a wall isn't an incredibly difficult task. The real tough ones were things like stealing a shoe from a builder, or getting a hair off the head of another specific builder. Cleaning up the classroom was also on the list. It was worth twenty points.

Once they had finally completed the ten item task list, the group had to go around to different builders roaming the hallways and do whatever task they had in mind. One wanted new pieces of trivia, three interesting ones that he didn't know already. One wanted someone in the group to say the alphabet backwards in less than twelve seconds. Allen did it in less than three, much to the amazement of the rest of his group. They didn't know that such a quiet kid had such strange hidden talents. One builder even wanted them to build a human pyramid so that he could take a picture of it.

After that hour of running around, the delegates were told to return to the classrooms for the final session of camp.

* * *

_Ninth Session: Opening, Sunday_

The group was given some times to start writing warm fuzzies. To explain, warm fuzzies are notes from group members to each other, or from friends to friends. They say nice things about the person you're giving the warm fuzzy to, and also honest things. These notes are called warm fuzzies because they give people a warm and fuzzy feeling inside when they read them. Each person can write as many or as few as he/she wants to, but it is strongly recommended to write to each person in his/her leadership group. The group was a family for a weekend, and it shouldn't be too hard to come up with something nice about these people.

Allen wrote one for each of his group members, one for each builder, and one each for Lenalee and Miranda. That made a total of thirteen warm fuzzies. He didn't really expect any in return, but he enjoyed writing them, at least to make other people feel good.

He had an especially good time writing three of them, Lenalee, Miranda, and surprisingly, Link. The two had become friends over the weekend, somehow. Allen didn't expect it, but it happened. It was the talking during polyadics that had sealed it. They had gotten along, and shared some opinions. It worked out pretty well.

_Lenalee, we met last year on my first day of school. You helped me find my way to my locker, and for that I am thankful. I am terrible with directions and am glad that someone could help me to not make a fool of myself. Over time, we became friends, and I'm glad that I was able to share Mana's story with all of you at Christmas. Even before that, in October when we had our talk in your room, I was glad to be of help there. If you ever need me, I'll always be a friend you can count on. _(Did I just prevent myself from committing the "taboo act" with that sentence?)_ Don't be afraid to lean on me, and more importantly, never be afraid to do what you think is right. Have confidence in yourself, because you are special, and you can do anything if you try. Never forget it! -Allen Walker_

_Miranda, we've known each other for a very long time, five years in fact. Well, maybe we haven't known each other for more than a couple of months, but we've at least known each other for about five years. That's a long time. Over that time, we've become friends and you've changed considerably. You are no longer the child who cries over every tiny thing, and you don't apologize for things that aren't your fault as often as you used to. It's a nice change, and I'm glad to see that you're becoming more comfortable. It's good for you, and I'm glad to have been there to witness it. You're an amazing person for being able to overcome that habit of yours as quickly as you did. It's really quite a feat. Keep going, you've done so well already, who's to say you can't go higher than the sun? With the potential that you show to change, I wouldn't be surprised. -Allen Walker_

_Link, we met at camp. Vikings, grr, or whatever we're supposed to say. I don't care, you probably don't either. Neither of us is here because it's somewhere we wanted to be. I guess that's why we conneceted as easily as we did. In any case, I'm glad we were in the same group. At least one good thing came out of it. Any chance you might want to stay friends after camp is over? I'd like it if that's possible. It won't be too hard to find me in school, after all, how many white-haired, scarred students does this school have? I think you're a pretty awesome person, if a little uptight. Loosen up, have a little fun, I'm sure it'll do you good. You look like you're bursting to let up and just explore your passions. I don't know what they are, but hey, I'll help if you like. That's what friends do, isn't it? -Allen Walker_

With his warm fuzzies finished, Allen waited for lunch to drop them off in the proper bags and share a last meal with his group. He didn't really know them, but he felt that they were still a decent bunch, even if he wasn't really willing to be friends with them. One last meal couldn't hurt before they went back to their real lives and school and ignoring each other.

After lunch, the final session began. Opening. Opening is the opposite of closing. They would all prepare to leave camp and open themselves back up to the world outside of camp. They only played one game, and it wasn't so much a game. It was called "Web of Love." Each group member takes turns wrapping a ball of yarn around their wrist a couple of times and passing it to someone else in the circle. They then say what they think of the person, and nice things only. More or less summarizing the warm fuzzies and maybe sharing some experiences from camp. This would continue until time was up, then they cut the bonds that they'd made with their friends, and have a yarn bracelet to represent the friendship and their time at camp. Allen was shocked at what some people had said about him during this game.

"_I think you're a very nice person, but awfully shy. Whenever you said something, it was important, it was nice, and some of the things you can do are really amazing. Like saying the alphabet backwards so fast, and I heard you were the fastest at eating the cake with your face during Big Game. You're something special, I can tell."_

"_You're a great listener. You listen when everyone talks, and are great at bringing a smile to all of us. That smile you have is catching. Speak up a little sometimes, and you'll go far. You seem to be able to get along with anyone, and making people smile like you do is a great skill for just about anything you could want to do in the future. Good luck out there, and keep being you. Never lose that smile."_

"_You're shy, it's easy to see, but you do what needs to be done even if you aren't totally comfortable with it. Even more amazing, you don't complain a bit. You should voice your opinions though, they do matter. If something bothers you, say so. It's really kind of you to let us all continue, and thanks for that, but hey, it works the other way too. You're a very nice person, from what I've learned this weekend, just don't let it go too far. We're nice people too. After all, nice people attract each other. That's why we're all here. You're super nice."_

After the web of love was cut and the bracelets were tied, closing ceremonies began. Each camper got a CD with camp themed songs, a fun book, and a manual summarizing the ideas the they had learned at camp in each session. There was a slideshow with pictures of everyone at camp and various activities that they'd all participated in. Allen met up with Lenalee and Miranda and they all sat together to watch the show and go through the fun book.

It was a good time, and Allen even laughed a little. He realized that, even though he hadn't really wanted to come to this camp, it was still a pretty good experience.

After the slideshow, the students picked up their warm fuzzy bags and went home with their parents, or in Allen's case, Komui insisted on driving him. He said that there was too much stuff for Allen to carry back to his house alone. Allen would have liked to disagree, but Komui was right. He was having a hard time picking it all up in only two hands.

Komui took Allen home, and Allen crashed in his bed. It was an exhausting weekend, and school was still happening tomorrow. At least it was the beginning of the semester and there wasn't any homework yet. Tomorrow, he'd get up and do Music, English, Science, and History. Today, he would sleep. The floors at school aren't totally comfortable to sleep on, so his sleep quality hadn't been great. He was tired.

While falling asleep, he continued reflecting on the camp experience. After all that, it wasn't so bad. Not half bad after all.

* * *

**A/N**: Wow, so that was a long one. Most chapters probably won't be quite this long, unfortunately. =( But I hope you all enjoy them anyways. =) I can't spoil the solution to the grid game, because that wouldn't be fair to anyone who has already had to play that game. Thanks to anyone out there still reading! And feel free to leave reviews. =D

Till next time

-Shippo704


	22. What About Lenalee?

**A/N**: I hope the last chapter didn't turn anyone off... Anyways, back to normal now. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

**Warning**: fluff

* * *

**What About Lenalee?**

* * *

_February 2009_

It was just another ordinary day in the life of Allen Walker. He went to class, he put up his mask, and he smiled at his friends so that they wouldn't worry or think that something was wrong. He was coming out of English and heading towards the cafeteria for lunch when a surprisingly firm hand gripped his shoulder. Allen flinched reflexively.

"Oh, I'm sorry Allen. I didn't mean to scare you l like that. I just really really need to talk to you right now. And Lenalee can't find us, no matter what! Lunch can wait, come on!" said an anxious sounding Krory as he dragged Allen away towards the gym, the opposite direction from their stairwell.

"But Krory, it's lunch time! _Lunch_ time! What could possibly be more important than food?" Allen complained

Krory stopped and stooped down, putting his mouth beside Allen's ear. "Lenalee's birthday." he whispered. With that, Allen stopped struggling and followed Krory obediently. He took one quick glance back toward the cafeteria and sighed, knowing that Lenalee was definitely more important than food.

Once the two found a quiet enough place by the gym, Krory turned to face Allen.

"So, I heard that her birthday is in a week or so, February 20. What should we do?" asked Krory.

"I thought you would have already had an idea! Why else would you be dragging me away from food?" Allen said, becoming a little frustrated. He noticed and quickly toned it down. He didn't want to upset Krory.

"I-I asked you to come out here to discuss ideas..." Krory explained quietly.

"I don't know. I just learned about her birthday a few seconds ago. We need to brainstorm this carefully. After all, she is a girl. Getting presents for girls is tricky, you know. There are always subtle connotations with every gift that you give them, and it could determine whether your friendship remains strong, or it could destroy it. At least, that's what I've read in books, anyways." Allen told Krory

"Really?" Krory asked, paling and getting nervous, "I didn't know any of that! I'm glad I talked to you. You must be an expert!" Krory said

"I wouldn't say that, after all, I haven't really had any friends before high school, much less any girl friends." said Allen-like

Krory started chuckling, "Ha ha, no _girl_friends."

It took Allen a second. "That's _not_ what I meant! Lenalee and I are definitely _not_ a couple. There's no way! First off, I don't go for girls, second, Komui would totally kill me..." Allen was interrupted by more of Krory's laughter.

"Think-Think about what you just said Allen." Krory said in between laughs.

Allen thought for a moment, then facepalmed. "You _know_ what I meant, Krory."

"Yea\h, but that doesn't make it any less funny." Krory said, still shaking from laughter.

"Fine then, I'll just have to come up with some sort of revenge." Allen said, smiling darkly, "I wonder, how would those plants of yours fare if- Oomph!" Allen was pushed over by Krory.

"You will _not_ touch my plants! You can't go after them! They're my children! I've raised them from when they were born until-" This time Krory was cut off by Allen's laughter.

"What did _you_ just say Krory?" Allen asked

"Fine, I get your point." Krory said, joining in the laughter with Allen, "Nice one, though. You really got me."

"I know I did. Anyways, back to the original topic, Lenalee's birthday. What to do." Allen said, becoming more serious.

"I still have no idea." said Krory, sighing, "Maybe we should ask someone else for ideas?"

"Maybe. Miranda? Or Komui first?" Allen thought aloud.

"Miranda!" Krory said quickly, "I mean, I think we should talk to Miranda first because they're best friends. And Komui might spill the secret..." Krory trailed off.

"Ah, I see. That makes sense Krory." Allen said, grinning at his friend, "Let's talk to Miranda first. You're probably right about Komui. Let's talk after school. I'll get her to meet you at the lockers later."

"Wait, you'll be there too, right?" asked Krory nervously

"Yes, of course I'll be there Krory!" Allen said. 'In spirit' he thought. "Now I think we should get some lunch. I'm _starving_. And there isn't too much time left before class."

"What are you saying? We still have half an hour, Allen." commented Krory

"But I still need to buy my food from the cafeteria. The lines are going to be long since I didn't get there right at the beginning of lunch. And Jerry will probably want to talk to me and ask questions about why I wasn't there right away. And-" Allen was cut off.

"I get it Allen, there are lots of things that will take up time while you get lunch, eating not being one of them. I'll see you in class then, I guess." Krory said with a smile.

"Alright. See you later Krory." Allen said as he walked off to get lunch.

* * *

After school, Allen avoided his locker. He didn't mind that he would probably have to walk home because he'd be late for the bus. He managed to ditch Krory by saying that he had to use the bathroom right after last period, History. Allen let Krory meet Miranda so that at least one of them might admit that they liked each other. He doubted it would happen, but it didn't stop him from trying to be a good friend anyways. Allen went off in search of Komui. If it was for his sister, Komui would do anything, and he figured that anything would include keeping a secret for her birthday.

He also figured that Komui would have some good ideas because, number one, he was her brother, and number two, he was the one who spent the most time with her. If anything, Komui would be the best to ask for ideas.

Allen walked into his old Science room, 105, pleased to see that Komui was still there. He smirked a little and decided to have a little bit of fun with this. He put on a sad-looking face and walked up to Komui to get his attention.

"Hello Komui. I want to talk to you. It's kind of important." Allen said, looking down at his feet when he spoke.

"Allen! I wasn't expecting you but come in. Don't worry, any time is good. Pick a desk and a chair and we can sit down and talk. I'm glad you're coming to me." Komui said, unable to hide a slight trace of happiness from his voice. He was happy that Allen was trusting him enough to come talk. "Okay Allen, what is it you'd like it say?"

"Well, um, it's kind of hard to explain." Allen said, trying to sound a little nervous.

"It's okay, take your time." Komui encouraged.

"Well, maybe it isn't too hard to explain, but I really don't know what to do! It's really big and terrifying and I really just don't have any idea about anything!" Allen said, raising his voice to sound upset.

"Hush Allen, it's okay. We'll figure it out together." Komui said, wrapping his arms around Allen, trying to comfort him.

Allen made sobbing motions. "Th-Thanks Komui. I don't know what I would do if I had to figure this out all alone. It's really really hard..." Allen trailed off.

"There there, it's okay. Everything will be fine. Just tell me what it is that's bothering you, and we'll find a solution together. Anything you say is strictly between us, and I'll never hold it against you." Komui tried to reassure Allen.

"Really?" Allen asked, using his most innocent and hopeful voice.

"Of course." said Komui, gently.

"In that case," Allen's voice turned a little evil and he stuck a wide grin on his face, "Care to tell me what Lenalee might like for her birthday?"

Komui jumped back in shock, falling over the nearest desk. Allen laughed.

"Allen! I thought you were... What? Explain this to me right now!" Komui demanded.

Allen did his best to calm his laughter. "Krory and I... We were... trying... to come up with... ideas... for Lenalee's... birthday." Allen had calmed himself enough now to speak normally. "We couldn't come up with anything, so Krory is asking Miranda for ideas and I'm asking you. When I saw you looking all serious when I walked in, I decided to have some fun."

"Allen! That's terrible! See if I ever trust you again!" Komui said playfully, but those words stung.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it bothered you that much. I apologize. I won't do anything like that again." Allen said quickly and quietly, making to leave now that he'd upset Komui.

"Allen, I'm sorry. It was a joke. I didn't mean that. It was kind of funny." Komui smiled, and tried to make amends with the smaller boy.

"Yeah, don't worry about it. I'm fine, really. I'll just be going now..." Allen turned to leave again, but he was stopped by a robot wearing a beret.

"I can't just let you leave after mentioning my sweet Lenalee. And after you were asking me about her birthday too, hm? I think you might be trying to steal her away from me. Am I correct?" said Komui, a twisted look on his face, "Go my Komurin! Restrain him! He can't get away after admitting such a sin!" Komui shouted to the robot.

"EEEEEEE! Komui! Let me go! I didn't do any of that! I don't want to take Lenalee away from you, I swear! You should know that already! I don't do things like that! I just can't! WHAA? What's that thing doing?" Allen shouted, scared now that the Komurin had turned it's arm into something that looked like a drill.

"Must examine scientific curiosity. Allen Walker. Arm is curiosity." The robot said

"What? It can talk? Komui! Turn this thing off and get it away from me!" Allen screamed at him.

Suddenly, the Komurin exploded.

"Brother! What are you doing to Allen? Why are you terrorizing him with your robots? Haven't those things caused enough damage? Are you ready to admit that they are a hazard to everyone who comes into contact with them?" Lenalee said as she stormed in after destroying the Komurin.

"But... Lenalee. They are programmed with my personality. How could they possibly be dangerous?" Komui asked.

"Look at what you just did to Allen!" Lenalee pointed out.

"But, Lenalee. He was trying to take you away from me! He even said that he wanted to- Mmph!" Komurin's beret was shoved into Komui's mouth by a rather ticked off Allen.

"And now you're saying crazy things like that. I did not say that I was taking Lenalee away with me anywhere. I never even _hinted_ at anything of the sort. It's just your damn sister complex!" Allen said somewhat angrily, though he couldn't stay mad at the sight of Komui on the floor with a beret in his mouth. It was too funny.

"See, listen to people sometimes. Not every boy on the planet wants to take me away. Most wouldn't even consider it. And I can handle myself, anyways. Look at what happens to all of your Komurins." Lenalee stated.

"...Fine. You win, I guess. But that doesn't mean that you can have my sister, Allen Walker!" Komui said

"I'm not after her. It's not going to happen. You're safe." Allen said

"Okay. But we'll finish this conversation later." Komui said, giving Allen a look as if to say 'you know what I mean.'

Allen sighed. "If you say so" Allen returned the look.

"So, since you missed the bus, do you want a ride home with us?" Lenalee offered.

"Um, sure. I guess that's okay. I just need to get my stuff from my locker, if Krory isn't there." Allen said.

"Why would it make a difference if Krory is there? You aren't having another fight, are you?" Lenalee asked, her voice laced with suspicion.

"No, no. It's nothing like that. I just kind of, you know, almost, sort of, set him up, like, for a chance encounter, um, with Miranda, a little." Allen rubbed the back of his head and smiled with embarrassment.

"Allen!" Lenalee said, shocked, "Why would you do something like that!"

"Because it's really obvious that they both kind of like each other. It won't kill them to talk a little bit, even if they don't say anything about that sort of stuff. Besides, Krory wanted to talk to her anyways. About something else." Allen said.

"Oh? And what would this 'something else' be, may I ask?" Lenalee said.

"I dunno." Allen said.

"But you said it wasn't about 'that sort of stuff' which means you have to know what it is. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to say what it isn't so definitively." Lenalee said.

"I don't know! I just know that it's not that, okay!" Allen said.

"Fine then, don't tell me. Keep your secrets." Lenalee said, a little coldly.

"Hey, Lenalee, I didn't mean it like that..." Allen trailed off.

"It's fine. Just get your things so that we can go." Lenalee said as she walked out of the room.

"Damn it! I'm so stupid!" Allen said to himself, forgetting that Komui was still in the room.

"No, you aren't. Dealing with girls is hard." Komui said, "and she'll forgive you in a few days when she finds out what this is all about."

Allen went to get his things from his locker, which Krory had left already, thankfully. Allen picked up his things and went outside to Komui's car. He climbed in the back, and Komui took him home. The whole drive was awkwardly silent.

* * *

Back at his house, Allen kept thinking. He tried to figure out what he could do for Lenalee's birthday, but he came up with nothing. He was much too inexperienced in things like this, that's why he went to Komui in the first place.

He went into his room and tossed his backpack on the floor. He looked at his desk where his warm fuzzy bag is. He remembered reading them all for the first time, and how touching they were. Well, most of them probably wouldn't be considered touching, but they were all very nice, and it was a bit much for Allen to handle at the time. He cried while he read them but he would never admit that to anyone.

One message that he put with (but not in) his warm fuzzy bag, because it was sort of related, was the message he got from Link on the Monday after leadership camp. It was a nice note, but it also made him kind of sad. He understood, of course, but he still felt a little saddened after each time that he read it.

_Dear Allen, I got your warm and fuzzy from leadership camp, and it was wonderful. I felt very good after reading it. Unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, I'm afraid that we can't be friends. I wish it were possible, because you are a very special person, I can tell. I am just writing this to you to let you know that it is not my intention to hurt you by denying friendship, but rather the opposite. A friendship between you and someone such as myself would only end badly for both sides. I do hope that you understand. -Howard Link._

Allen read the letter just about every day. Even though he knew that Link didn't dislike him at all and it was just some unfavourable circumstances that prevented the friendship from working out, he still felt a little hurt. He didn't completely understand why Link thought that a friendship between the two of them wouldn't work out, but he didn't have much choice other than to accept it. Link didn't want to see him, so he shouldn't be pushing his way into the other boy's life. It wouldn't be fair. Even if it hurt him, he couldn't hurt someone that he might have considered a friend by being selfish and trying to become friends. It wouldn't be very nice to do that.

But that wasn't what he should be focusing on right now. Right now, he had only a few days until Lenalee's birthday, and no ideas. This was the big problem right now. Anything else that he thought was a problem could wait. (not really, but since when have Allen's priorities ever been straight) No matter what, under pain of pain (since death didn't sound that bad) Allen swore to himself that he would do something right for Lenalee's birthday. His friends are important to him, after all.

But Komui is the one who probably has the best ideas. Anything that any of us comes up with would probably be completely awful in comparison to what he would come up with. Without Komui helping them out, Allen felt that they had no chance.

Allen broke himself out of his train of thought to eat dinner. And do some homework. At least, he tried to do the homework. The severe lack of motivation that he had had last semester wasn't quite as bad now, and if he pushed hard enough, he could make himself do it, but he was too distracted by what to do for Lenalee's birthday to concentrate on his homework.

He figured he should probably call Komui and talk to him about what to do. But what if Lenalee picked up the phone? He could try to apologize, but that probably wouldn't work. And Komui would probably go after him again about trying to steal his sister away, or maybe even just gloat about how his gift would be ten times better because he's her older brother.

Allen didn't call them. He didn't know what to do, other than sit there and feel depressed about how he couldn't do anything. Then the phone rang.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

Allen picked up the phone, hoping that it wasn't Lenalee or Komui.

"Hello, residence of Marian Cross and Allen Walker, Allen speaking." Allen said into the phone

"Allen! You didn't show up earlier like you said you would!" said an annoyed Krory, "I had to talk to Miranda all by myself earlier and it was nerve-wracking! You lied to me! How could you just leave me there all alone with her like that!"

"I was busy right after school. Anyways, you two are friends. It shouldn't be awkward talking to her, right? You were only asking her if she had any ideas about what to do for Lenalee's birthday. It shouldn't be any different talking to her than talking to me, right?" Allen asked

"But, but. I don't know! I don't know why, it just scared me is all! Don't leave me alone with her like that, especially without any preparation!" said Krory

"This isn't my fault. You were asking Miranda, so I decided to ask Komui, the scarier of the two to ask about Lenalee, I might add." Allen replied, "Did you get any ideas from Miranda?"

"No, I was so scared, I'm not sure if she understood my question!" Krory said, almost sounding like he was crying into the phone.

"Then you should just ask her tomorrow. Or call her now. You do have her number right?" Allen said with a grin on his face. It was just so much fun teasing Krory.

"Yeah, I do, but I can't just up and call her like that! And then it'd just be us two talking! Alone! Over the telephone! Do you know how scary that is?" Krory said

"Actually, yes I do. I'm very nervous about any phone calls that I make or receive. I do know the fear behind telephones, but your fear is about talking to Miranda, not talking into a phone. I don't think you should be that tense around your friends." Allen advised, well aware of his hypocrisy.

Krory was silent for a bit, s if he was debating what to say next. "Well, you're no help! And we still need to come up with an idea. You said you talked to Komui, so what did he say?" Krory said, trying to turn the conversation back to Allen and away from his own failures.

"He sicced a Komurin on me. I didn't get a very clear answer out of him, but I think he's probably on our side." Allen said.

"Oh, well that's good at least. I suppose we should keep thinking. We've only got a few days until her birthday, so we'd better come up with something good." said Krory.

"Good plan. I'll see you tomorrow at school then." Allen said.

"Okay. Bye." said Krory, and the two hung up the phones.

Allen felt a little bit better, knowing that Krory had just about as much success as he'd had with coming up with ideas, but at the same time, he knew that neither of them had any ideas. It was terrible!

So what would Lenalee like? What are her interests? As good a place to start as any. Only one problem, I don't know what she likes!

Well, she's a girl, so she probably likes shopping. But a giftcard for some random store is probably too impersonal or boring. Plus, she might not even like that store. That would be terrible. I could try to find a toy store that will make her a stuffed Komurin, like I planned at Christmas, but I suck at drawing, and there's no way I'll get a picture (or blueprints) from Komui for one of _those_ things. Maybe she likes cooking things? Because she's a girl? No! That's just a stereotype. I don't have any proof that she likes cooking. Although she did seem happy when she was helping her brother make breakfast at Christmas... But that has nothing to do with whether or not she actually enjoys that activity. Maybe I should just make something. I can knit and sew, so I could make her a hat, maybe. But that doesn't seem good enough! And what if I chose the wrong colour, or the wrong pattern. Maybe it won't match her hair and eyes and outfit or something. Girls are big about everything their outfits matching. This is so hard!

I really need to talk to Komui to get some ideas. If I knew one of her hobbies, besides hanging out with friends, maybe I could come up with something. But she doesn't mention things like that! Why are girls so frustrating! They expect you to know everything, even when they tell you nothing or purposely mislead you! Not that Lenalee actually tried to mislead us, but she never talks about anything like that either! And she never really mentioned her birthday, so it's not like she's expecting anything either. But it still doesn't make sense! Girls are too complicated!

Maybe I should try to do this homework to distract myself from all this birthday stuff. It is important, but I can t think about it right now, especially since I don't really know anything. I need to wait for Komui. Damn it! He's the only one who knows anything, and I hate relying on other people. Damn it all!

Allen did his best to ignore the thoughts of Lenalee's birthday coming ever closer, and even managed to get a bunch of his homework finished. Once he had finished that, he was tired. He needed to sleep. Maybe he'd come up with some ideas in his dreams? He went to bed and let his mind rest until morning came.

* * *

_February 18 2009_

The next couple of days went by uneventfully. Neither Krory nor Allen was able to come up with any ideas. Krory was able to talk to Miranda, eventually, and was told that Komui probably had the best ideas. In the end, it all came back to Komui. The one with the massive and as of yet unexplained sister complex. The one who would probably sic more Komurins on them if they even mentioned Lenalee's birthday in front of him. This whole birthday plan seemed doomed to failure.

Even though it seemed like it would be a fruitless effort, Allen tried to talk to Komui again anyways. It couldn't hurt, right? Until another Komurin came out of nowhere and started chasing him around before first period that day. While running from the metal terror, Allen couldn't help but think only two more days, and let out a depressed sigh. Another of his attempts to be nice or useful would just end in failure. Something that he felt he should have expected, but got his hopes up for anyways. It didn't really matter anymore, so he just stopped running and let the Komurin catch him.

"Ahahaha! Go my Komurin! You've caught the evil boy who would snatch away my sister, now give him his rightful punishment!" Komui laughed evilly with a crazy sparkle in his eyes.

"Do what you want. It doesn't matter." Allen said sadly, a look of hopelessness on his face as he turned his head to face the floor.

This seemed to snap Komui out of his mad rampage. "It doesn't matter? What are you talking about?"

"I was talking about the three of us, Krory Miranda, and myself, doing something nice for Lenalee's birthday. We haven't come up with any good ideas, and we aren't sure of Lenalee's hobbies. That subject doesn't seem to have come up in previous conversations." Allen said, still staring at the floor.

"My boy, why didn't you say so in the first place! I'll help you!" Komui said excitedly.

"But I _did_!" Allen said, looking up at Komui a little angrily.

"No, you never said that the three of you were working together. I don't want any one of you taking my little Lenalee away, but if all three of you are cooperating, it means that this venture is in friendship." Komui explained.

"Your logic makes no sense, but if you'll help us, I'll just go with it." Allen said, thankful for the help, but giving up on trying to understand the older man.

"Well, you said you wanted to know about Lenalee's hobbies? She likes cooking and baking. Chocolate cakes especially." Komui said, only now releasing Allen from the grips of Komurin.

"Really?" Allen said, depression sinking in once again as he'd come up with that idea several days ago, "Well, thanks Komui. That's very helpful. I'll get right on that." Allen stood up and walked towards his Music class with very little energy.

"Goodbye Allen! Good luck with your project!" Komui shouted after him before happily taking his still intact Komurin back to the Science room.

* * *

_February 18 2009 After school_

Allen picked up the phone, took a few deep breaths, then nervously dialled Krory's number. God, he hated phones, and didn't really have an explanation as to why, but he'd have to get over it. After a couple of rings, Krory picked up.

"Hello. Arystar Krory speaking." Krory said.

Allen left a small silence, just to freak out Krory a bit. "Hello Krory, it's Allen."

Allen heard a large breath go out on the other end. "Allen! I was scared there! Why didn't you speak right away! It could have been a ghost calling or something!" Krory complained

Allen laughed, "I just wanted to have a little fun with you."

"If that's all, then I'm hanging up now." Krory said

"No, wait! I actually called about something important! It's about Lenalee's birthday." Allen said quickly, hoping to stop his friend from hanging up on him.

"I'm listening. Please continue." Krory said.

"Komui said that she likes baking and chocolate cakes." Allen said.

"Great! It'll be easy to do something with that." Krory said

"I know. So where do you want to do it? My house, your house, or hers?" Allen asked, knowing that Krory probably had the same idea in mind as he had.

"We should do it here. There's more space, and I haven't had you guys over in a while. Plus, Lenalee can meet Rosanne!" Krory said happily.

"Rosanne?" Allen questioned.

"Oh, um, my flower..." Krory said.

"Ah. I didn't know she had a name. I thought Rosanne was the name of your girlfriend or something." Allen teased.

"Not funny Allen!" Krory said

"In any case, we'll have to let Miranda know, and invite Lenalee and Komui over. Komui will probably figure out what we're planning and go along with it. Then we need to buy ingredients. I think that's about it. We can do all that tomorrow after school. Sound good?" Allen asked

"Sure, sounds fine to me. I'll see you tomorrow." Krory said

"Okay. Bye." Allen said, and hung up the phone.

"That was way more nerve wracking than it should have been. I hate phones!" Allen complained as he tried to calm his heart down before it cause an explosion in his chest. He began some slow deep breathing exercises to help it along, and it calmed down soon after.

"Okay. So we have a plan for tomorrow. Inform Komui and Miranda, invite Lenalee, and buy ingredients. But if we're buying ingredients, that means I need a recipe. Alright. To Google!" Allen said to himself as he picked up his coat and began his walk to the library, where they had computers.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry to end this chapter here, but it was getting long, and I felt that this was probably a good place to end, if anywhere. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and feel free to leave a review. =) Thanks for reading!

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	23. I Forgive You

**A/N**: Sorry it took a while. Anyways, here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

**Warning**: So. Much. Fluff.

* * *

**I Forgive You**

* * *

_February 18 2009_

It was a long walk to the library. It took Allen most of an hour to get there seeing as it was at the opposite end of town from where he lived. Luckily it was still quite light out, so he still had plenty of time to search for a recipe. He decided that he'd try Google first, and if that failed, he could look for a cookbook. He figured the library probably had at least one book about cakes.

It turned out that looking through the library to find a cookbook was unnecessary. Kraft Canada, the first Google result, had lots of delicious looking recipes for chocolate cakes. Allen decided to remember this site if he ever wanted to try making something new.

The recipe looked simple enough. Allen took down the ingredients on a piece of paper that he'd brought and made a mental note to give the list to Krory tomorrow, so that they could go shopping. With any luck, they could bring Miranda along too. Maybe he could accidentally "get lost" in the store while the two of them aren't looking...

Allen smiled mischievously. That probably wouldn't work. The two of them will never actually say anything too each other. Krory's too shy and Miranda's too afraid to mess up. With any luck, they'll get over their crushes quickly and only want the friendship that they have. Allen felt glad that he didn't get those types of feeling towards anyone. At least not that often. As far as he could remember, there had only been one instance in his life where he'd had a crush on someone. The girl had seemed nice, but the two were never able to talk due to Allen's appearance. He was glad he'd gotten over the feelings quickly.

Recipe in hand, Allen left the library and began his walk back to his house, thinking about how surprised and happy Lenalee would be for her birthday.

* * *

_February 19 2009_

Allen was lucky and caught Krory before class. It's not like they didn't have any classes together during the day, in fact they had three together, but it would be inconvenient to try to talk and make plans during class time. Fortunately, Lenalee was still avoiding Allen, so the two didn't have to worry about her accidentally walking up to them and catching word of their plan.

"Krory! Good news. I have a recipe. It looks pretty good. I don't know how much of these ingredients you already have, so I thought we could go shopping after school and then head over to your place to set up anything else." Allen said

"Sounds like a good plan. Hm. Flour, sugar, butter, baking soda and powder, water, unsweetened chocolate, vanilla, eggs, icing sugar, milk. Okay. I have flour, sugar, butter, water, milk, eggs, baking soda, and baking powder. That means we're going to need to buy vanilla, icing sugar, and the chocolate. Only three ingredients to buy. Not too bad. And the recipe seems pretty easy to. Only a couple of steps. This is going to be so much fun!" Krory said, getting excited.

"Oh yeah, you bet it is! And Lenalee will love it! At least, I hope so. Komui said so after all... I hope he wasn't trying to trick us so that she hates us forever." Allen said, facepalming for only just now coming up with the idea that Komui might have tried to trick them just to protect his darling sister from the evil that is teenage boys. Even if said teenage boys are her friends. And only want to remain friends.

"I doubt he'd do that." said Krory, "After all, he wouldn't want her to be upset on her birthday either, right?"

"I guess you're right. Oh, and before we forget, put candles down on that list of things to buy. Unless you've already got fifteen candles." Allen said, remembering that this cake would probably be her birthday cake. Those two are horrible, getting Lenalee to bake her own birthday cake.

"You're right, I don't have that many candles. We'll just have to pick some up. And as for getting there, I think your bus has a stop a few block from the store, correct?" Krory asked.

"Yeah. It'll be a five minute or so walk. You can come on my bus, and I can ask the driver to let us off at that stop instead. I never make trouble, so he'll probably be fine with it." Allen said

"Perfect. Then we can just walk to the store and get the stuff then walk to my house I guess. Public buses are expensive, and it's only a half hour, maybe forty minute walk back to my place. We're only getting a couple of things, so we should be able to carry it, between the two of us." Krory thought out loud.

"Between the three of us." Allen corrected.

"The three of us? Are you sure you can count Allen. There's me and there's you. That makes two." Krory counted on his fingers.

"But Krory, it's not just us two. You're forgetting someone important!" Allen hinted.

"But who?" Krory asked, "I thought that it was just the two of us doing the shopping and preparations."

"Well, who else is going to be at the party?" asked Allen

"Lenalee, but she can't come shopping, obviously. Komui, but Lenalee will notice if he's gone off somewhere. Miranda... oh." Krory looked down at the realization.

"So it's going to be the three of us. Now you go find her and tell her about it." Allen said, clapping Krory on the shoulder.

"But Allen! I can't just go up and talk to her like that! And ask her to come shopping! That's almost like a date!" Krory complained

"Yes. A three person date. Where all three people are close _friends_." Allen hinted strongly, hoping that Krory would get it.

"Oh, right. You're going to be there too. And we're all friends..." Krory trailed off, talking to himself.

"Exactly. So why don't you go let her know. I need to go warm up in Music. I'll see you later." Allen said, clapping on Krory's shoulder again, then walking off toward the music room.

"But Allen! I need to warm up too! Why don't you go talk to her!" Krory half shouted in his direction.

"Because I'm the one who got the recipe. Split the workload. See ya!" Allen turned his head and waved. Krory felt very nervous about what he had to go do, but Allen was right. They were friends, it wasn't a date, and Allen had already found the recipe. But Krory was hosting it, so doesn't that mean that his workload is already more... That cheater Allen! He tricked Krory. So much for being even with the amount of work.

* * *

_February 19 2009 – After school_

Allen talked to his bus driver, and got permission for Krory and Miranda to get on with him, and to get off a couple of stops early, near the store. Once there, the three teens made their way to the baking aisle to pick up the supplies that they needed: vanilla, icing sugar, unsweetened chocolate, and birthday candles.

"Right. Let's get started. To aisle four!" said Allen as he made his way directly to aisle four, not even pausing to look at the other food or the sales. He needed to be in and out, not browsing. That could wait.

"Allen, wait up! Don't leave Miranda and me behind!" Krory called after him, doing his best to power-walk through the after work crowds with Miranda, and failing. Alone, smaller, and accustomed to this, Allen was able to get away from them quite quickly. He doubted his plan would amount to anything for either of them, but it would at least serve to get them more comfortable in each others presence, at least until they reached aisle four.

Allen picked up the goods from the aisle quickly. He knew where they were because he shops quite often. Then he waited for the other two to catch up so that he could ditch them again on the way to the checkout. Lane 10 is the express line, and conveniently, the farthest away from them. Allen figured that would be plenty of time and space to lose them again. Since the three were splitting the bill, it would be alright if one of them paid for it and was paid back later, since Allen figured he'd probably be through the checkout before the other two managed to find out which cash he'd gone to, then caught up with him.

"Finally we caught up with you, Allen. You didn't need to take off so quickly, it's not like we're in a huge hurry to get anywhere or anything." Krory told Allen when he and Miranda made it to aisle four.

"I just didn't want to get distracted by the food and the sales and the food that's on sale. I'm used to moving through crowds, so I didn't know I was going too fast for you. Anyways, I've got the stuff. Let's go pay for it." Allen replied, and turned in the direction of the cash registers. He quickly lost Krory and Miranda again.

After paying for the ingredients, Allen stood at the end of the lane and waited, plastic bag in hand, for the other two to show up and find him. It was times like this that Allen almost wished that he had a cell phone. And that Krory had one too. So that he could text him and tell him to hurry up and get his butt over to cash 10. As it was, he'd just have to be patient. Not always one of his strong points. He figured he'd just have to work on that at some point. Maybe. If he felt he had the patience to work on it.

It was a minute or so before the two had caught up. Krory looked kind of annoyed.

"You said you'd slow down for us." Krory complained

"I did." Allen lied, "Now shouldn't we get over to your place? Set up and all that."

"Good plan. Let's go. And on the way there, you can tell us how much we owe you for the ingredients." Krory said. Miranda remained silent for the whole trip, as usual.

* * *

"Okay. We're going to have a nice big cake-baking party for Lenalee tomorrow. What needs to be done. Let's make a list." Allen said, once the three of them had made it to Krory's place.

"We need the kitchen clean, the ingredients out, and the baking stuff ready for use." Krory said immediately.

"Perfect," Allen commented as he wrote it down, "kitchen clean, ingredients ready, baking stuff ready. What else?"

"Um... maybe... party decorations?" Miranda offered quietly and nervously, "I-I'm sorry!"

"Don't be sorry. It's a good idea." said Allen, writing it down, "decorate."

"Clean the house?" Krory asked, unsure if they really needed to clean up or not. He figured it probably wasn't a bad idea, even if they were friends and totally comfortable with an unspotless house. If nothing else, it would be a way to kill time until they all left later. He could have them stay a bit longer, and that would make him happy.

"Sure. Clean." Allen wrote.

"Threaten Komui into silence..." Krory trailed off

The three were silent for a moment, "I'll put a star next to that. In case one of us feels brave later. Or if we think he won't bring a Komurin over here to kill us all." Allen said, before writing that down, "Any other ideas?"

"I can't think of anything else, except for coming up with what sort of decorations we'll use for the party." Krory said.

"Okay. That's a place to start. We can start brainstorming. First, give me a list of all the decorative, semi-decorative, or loose materials or object that you have that we might be able to use." Allen began. And so the party planning began.

* * *

_February 20 2009_

The three teens, Allen, Krory, and Miranda, all showed up for school early that day with ribbons, scissors, tape, construction paper, and markers. They went to Lenalee's locker and taped up the paper and the ribbons, curled the ribbons to look prettier, and started writing their birthday wishes on the papers.

It was a lot of fun, covering Lenalee's locker with colours, making it stand out, and hopefully making her feel special. She deserves it, after all, it is her fifteenth birthday. Allen hopes that she'd accept it, especially since she still isn't talking to him. Lenalee can really hold a grudge if she feels like it. He also hoped that the teacher wouldn't demand that they take it down too soon, but they figured it wouldn't be much of a problem since other students have done the same thing for their friends also.

The three quickly finished the task they'd set out to do, and cleared out from her locker area. All three wrote birthday wishes, and Krory included an invite to his castle in his message for both her and Komui. Allen made sure that his contained an apology so that Lenalee might consider forgiving him by the time the party rolled around.

At lunchtime, Lenalee walked herself over to Allen's and Krory's usual eating place to let Krory know that she would be able to attend the party in the evening. She glanced at Allen, less coldly than she had been for the past couple of days but still refused to speak to him. He figured it was probably because she thought he was too chicken to apologize in person, but felt that, since a written apology was something, at least, that she could be a bit easier on him.

* * *

_February 20 2009 – After school_

The four teenagers met outside the school by the bus loop after last period. They planned to take Krory's bus back to his place for the party. Komui would join them later on, as he had some work to finish up and some lessons to prepare for the next day before he could leave.

"Happy birthday Lenalee!" Allen said, putting on his best smile and hoping that Lenalee would forgive him. He couldn't yet ask for the forgiveness, as that would mean he'd spoil the surprise.

Lenalee looked at him, then turned away. She was still holding his secret-keeping against him. She began talking with Miranda as they boarded the bus, and ignored the boys for the whole ride.

"Allen, do you think Lenalee will be happy when she gets to my place and sees everything?" Krory said, wiggling in his seat with excitement.

"I hope so, Krory. Maybe then she'll be able to forgive me for keeping it a secret." Allen said, sounding a little depressed and hopeless about the situation.

"Of course she will!" said Krory, trying to cheer up his sad friend. He was taking the situation pretty hard, even if he didn't show it to anyone, "I'm sure that she'll be happier that you didn't tell her, if anything. After all, what's a surprise party without the surprise?"

"You're right, but what if she doesn't think that way? What if she still hates me for holding it back in the first place? What if she doesn't want to be my friend anymore? What if-?" Allen started with a look of fear and worry on his face.

"No. That won't happen!" Krory gripped Allen's shoulders and made the smaller boy look at him, "Can you honestly imagine Lenalee, _Lenalee_ of all people, doing something like that? Betraying you, hurting you. She's a sweet and kind girl who probably couldn't hurt anything but those Komurins if she tried. Or maybe thugs, or criminals, or crazy people who try to do bad things, or bullies... Okay, I'm losing my point. Can you see her doing _any_ of the stuff that you just said?" Krory questioned, hoping to put some sense back into Allen's brain.

"People have done worse over less." was Allen's sad reply.

"In any case, you won't know until it happens. Don't dwell on it. Lenalee might notice and it'll ruin the party. Cheer up, okay?" Krory said.

"How do I do that..." Allen whispered to himself.

By the time the bus reached Krory's stop, Allen had been able to put up his mask and stop the depressing thoughts from showing on his face. At least if Lenalee was ignoring him, she wouldn't be paying him enough attention to notice that his happy face is all an act. Allen was happy about the party and about making Lenalee happy, but the thought of her hating him for trying to be nice to her was killing him inside.

The four approached the door to Krory's house, and Krory ran ahead to open it for them. Or at least, that's what he'd told them. In actuality, he ran up there so that he could take a quick glance of the inside to make sure that everything, or at least everything in view of the door was in the correct place and ready for Lenalee to see.

With that taken care of, the teenagers went inside.

When the lights were turned on, all four took a good look around the room. There was a large banner over the door to the living room area that said, "Happy Birthday Lenalee" and included lots of colours and butterflies, since they knew she thought butterflies were pretty. There were ribbon-streamers hanging from the ceiling, made from old drapes and sheets in Krory's old storage area. Several plants were transported from the greenhouse and were set on various small tables around the rooms. They were moved only for a day because Krory couldn't allow his plants to die. He was worried enough taking them from the greenhouse for even one day. Other drapes and cloth material were pinned to the walls to give a comforting feel, and a bright, colourful look. Some pictures of all of them were stuck to the cloth on the walls too, to remember the fun times. When the pictures were taken, they didn't even know. Probably Komui had a secret camera somewhere. When they asked him if he had pictures, he'd sent them right away.

The rooms were decorated nicely, and everything was clean. Lenalee stood there a little bit shocked.

"Surprise!" the three party planners said in unison, "Happy fifteenth birthday, Lenalee. We all hope you like this."

"This is... This... This is awesome you guys. Thank you." Lenalee said, her eyes a little glassy. She gave each of them a big hug in thanks for their efforts. She stopped at Allen. His anxiety multiplied a few times when she looked at him. Then she smiled.

"Allen, is this what you were keeping a secret about?" Lenalee asked kindly.

Not trusting his voice, Allen slowly nodded, then stared at the ground. He suddenly felt a warm and firm hold around his upper body. He was confused.

"Then you deserve the biggest hug of all. I'm sorry that I was so mean to you for the last week or so, holding a grudge even though it's something you couldn't possibly tell me because you're such a great friend. I should have known better. I'm sorry." Lenalee apologized.

Allen stared blankly over her shoulder. She was apologizing to him? Even though he'd hurt her? Even though he'd kept a secret from her? It didn't make any sense to him.

"Thanks, but it's not your fault Lenalee, I should apologize. It's all my fault in the first place." Allen said, now looking at her and putting his signature smile, hoping to get her to buy into it.

Obviously, that didn't work. "Ouch!" Allen said as Lenalee punched the top of his head down. "You're so stupid Allen. It's not your fault, so don't act like it is. You really couldn't do anything about it, so don't worry. And don't try to make me think it's your fault either. It's wrong to do something like that. You need to learn that." Lenalee scolded him. Fixing that problem with his smile is something that she still has a couple of years to work on, and she planned to make the most of it.

"Oh, okay. I'm sorry Lenalee. I'll work on that next time." Allen lied. Lenalee could tell, but she decided not to call him out on it. This time. "So why don't we head to the kitchen and get started with the main surprise here, eh?" Allen said, smiling.

"Yes, let's go! It's going to be so much fun! Come on!" Krory encouraged all of them while running ahead in his own excitement.

"Another surprise?" Lenalee asked. No one answered, but she didn't expect one. It was mostly a question to herself. She smiled, thinking about how her friends are the greatest.

The four of them entered the kitchen, and Lenalee was greeted with a very pleasant surprise.

"It's all the stuff to make a chocolate cake! This is amazing! And there's a recipe too! I haven't tried this one yet. It looks like so much fun!" Lenalee continued on like this for a couple of minutes, checking out the ingredients, the baking pans, the bowls, the beaters, everything.

Krory nudged Allen, "I told you so."

"Yeah, yeah." Allen said, still looking a little sad, despite his happiness about Lenalee's happiness. He was angry with himself for thinking something as bad as he did about her. She was his friend, right? So he knows that she won't betray him. But everyone else had, in the past. He couldn't get past his past. Not yet, at least. Making excuses didn't really make him feel better, but it kept him calm.

Allen shook his head in attempt to shake the depressing thoughts. This is Lenalee's day, Lenalee's party. It's all about her right now, so he shouldn't be thinking about his own sad self. That could wait. Right now, it's all about Lenalee.

They all began cake preparation. First, beat all of the ingredients, then beat in the eggs. Then split the batter into two round 9-inch pans. Place cakes in oven for 35-40 minutes. For the frosting, melt the chocolate and butter, stirring it together. Then add the rest of the ingredients and refrigerate it. Then put the frosting on the cake, and they're all done.

Between finishing the frosting and waiting for the cake to bake, Komui showed up, and giving his darling sister a birthday hug, while shooting warning stares at Allen and Krory for being boys and around his sister on a special day. He didn't want her to leave just because two nice boys had helped her to make a cake. Especially since he'd given them the idea in the first place.

After welcoming Komui, Krory took Lenalee for a tour of his plants. He warned her about Rosanne's habit of biting unkind people. Allen shot Krory a couple of angry glares for that, but didn't hold it against him. It was Lenalee's birthday, after all. He couldn't have a plant biting her hand off on her birthday. He conveniently forgot that it was his birthday when he had first met Rosanne too.

Once the cake was finished, they all helped themselves to a slice, despite not having eaten dinner yet. Krory was going to prepare some teriyaki chicken with some rice and noodles, so that whichever of the two each person preferred, they could have.

Dinner came and went, it was a happy time, and the party went as it usually did. Very smoothly, and with all of them piled on to a couch talking about anything. Soon enough, it was getting late. 8 o'clock came and went, 9 o'clock came and went. By 9:30, they all decided that they should probably go since the next day was a school day, unfortunately. The teens and Komui said their goodbyes to Krory and all went out to Komui's car. Several hugs later, Miranda, Allen, Lenalee, and Komui were driving back to their houses.

At Allen's house, they all got out once again to say goodbye. Miranda and Komui were quick, and Lenalee was last.

"I'm sorry about before. I want to thank you very very much for today. It was wonderful and I really enjoyed myself. Thank you. And I hope you can forgive me about what I did this past week." Lenalee said as she hugged him.

"There isn't anything to forgive, Lenalee." Allen replied, giving her a smile and hugging back, although somewhat reluctantly. He still wasn't a big fan of physical contact, save for a few occasions.

"Of course there is. Even if you don't think it, or don't believe it, can you at least say it? So I can maybe forgive myself too." Lenalee asked

"Sure. I forgive you, Lenalee." Allen said, sounding as sincere as he knew how, which was very much.

"Thanks Allen. You really are a good friend, you know that?" Lenalee told him, "Even though I know you don't think so. You don't have to say it, I just know you. You'll say that you're nothing special, not that nice, and that you're only doing what anyone else would do. But I want you to listen to me right now. You are wrong about that. You are special. You are nice. You do more than what many people out there would do. I know you know that last one, at least, even if you keep yourself in denial. Think better of yourself. You're a good person. No, you're one of the great people who just made one of the happiest days of my life. It was a great party. Thank you very much." Lenalee finished.

They stood there for another moment, holding each other. "Um, Lenalee, maybe we should let go now. It's late and we've been here a while. Komui's going to come out any time now with-" Allen was cut off by a crash from the trunk of the car. A Komurin popped out, rolled over to them, and separated the two teens.

"I called it." Allen said, smiling and turning towards his house, "I'll see you tomorrow at school, Lenalee!" With that, Allen went inside.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry it's a bit shorter than normal, but these past couple of chapters were not originally planned. Thanks to those of you out there still reading this! Feel free to leave a review! I'd appreciate it. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	24. Stranger At The Door

**A/N**: Next chapter up! Hope you all enjoy!

**Warning**: language, lots and lots of fluff.

* * *

**Stranger At The Door**

* * *

_March 2009_

Allen was sleeping in. Not a very common occurrence for him, as his brain woke him up at 7:30 or so each morning without his alarm. This wouldn't be too much of a problem if he could also fall asleep early enough to still clock in enough hours of sleeping time. Unfortunately, this isn't the case. When Allen can sleep, he will.

This morning, he was doing quite well. It was already 10 in the morning, and he hadn't shown any signs of stirring to get up. That is, until the phone started ringing.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

"Damn it! Why? When I'm actually sleeping in for once. And it's 10:13 too, I was doing so well..." Allen commented to himself.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

"I guess I'd better get that." he said as he got up and ran down the stairs.

_RIIING! RIIING!_

Allen picked up the phone, "Hello. Residence of Marian Cross and Allen Walker, Allen speaking."

"Yes, hello. This is Todd from Loblaws. We looked at your application and decided that we'd like you to come in for an interview for a job here." said Todd.

"Really? That's great. When would you like me in?" asked Allen

"We have interview slots open every ten minutes next Saturday between 10:30 and 2:30. What time works best for you?" asked Todd

"Um, I could be there for 11 if that's okay with you." Allen said

"That spot is still open. Sounds good. I'll see you then Allen." said Todd

"Thank you sir. I'll see you on Saturday." Allen said as he hung up the phone. "Oh my god, I've got a job. That means I don't have to gamble so much anymore... I hope. $9.60 per hour and the number of hours a student can work will only go so far. Maybe it'll just count towards something useful, like a computer or a cell phone. Then I can still gamble. I can still go out and rob men blind when they're least expecting it, strip them to their boxers, and watch them wallow in their torment, knowing that a child beat them so badly at such an adult game like poker. Hahahaha..." Allen started laughing evilly. After a moment he snapped out of it, "Hey, I wonder if this means that Lenalee got a job too. She's fifteen now, so I guess she can tell them her real age. Well, if she gets a job, I'm sure she won't hesitate in telling everyone. I'll find out soon enough. Now, I wonder if I can get back to sleep..." Allen's stomach started making noises at him, "I guess that's a no." Allen sighed, "Well, time for brunch, I suppose." Allen began to prepare his meal, thinking about what he was going to do for next week. He had to make a good impression for the interview.

* * *

_March 2009 – Next Saturday_

"Okay Tim, how do I look?" Allen asked Timcampy. He was wearing a white button-up dress shirt, think black gloves, nice black pants (ironed and everything), black socks, and some dress shoes. He looked like a perfect gentleman, not to mention that he felt much more comfortable in these clothes and colours than in regular clothes. "I think it looks good Tim. Perfectly respectable. Except for the scar... maybe they'll pass it off as an act of rebellion. I am a teenager, after all. And it's not like this is any sort of real job. It's just a minimum wage job for teenagers. If they wanted real people, normal-looking people, they wouldn't hire teenagers, am I right? Right. I'll be fine. Plus, this outfit matches my hair... No! That's a girly thing to think! Bad Allen! Wait, what time is it? Gah! I've got to run! The bus stops by here in two minutes. I'll see you later Tim!" Allen said as he ran out the door so that he could catch the bus to Loblaws. He couldn't just walk there, it would mess up his clothes. And he wanted this job. It meant that he'd have money to spend on items that aren't necessities. He thought that something like that would be nice.

Lenalee didn't call him this past week, nor mention anything at school about getting a job. Allen figured that she wasn't called by Loblaws, since the interviews were happening today. He hoped that one of the other places would give her a call. And soon, before the applications got recycled.

Allen got on the bus and made his way to the Loblaws. He was told to go upstairs, to the end of the hall and into the employees only area. He was instructed to keep walking until he found the break room, whatever that was supposed to look like. The manager who'd called to follow up didn't give much detail. She had told him that he could sit at one of the tables until they called him for his interview. Allen did just as she had instructed. The break room turned out to be a big room with long tables and chairs and a large window to look outside. He picked a chair and sat down, nervous for what was about to come.

"Allen Walker," said a man's voice. Said man then walked into the break room, "It's time for your interview. If you could follow me to my office, we can get started."

"Thank you sir." Allen said, standing up to follow the man to wherever his office is.

Once there, the two sat down in chairs on opposite sides of the man's desk. The man spoke, "I'm Todd. I own the store. It's nice to meet you, Allen." Todd stuck out his hand for a shake.

"Nice to meet you too, sir." replied Allen, smiling and doing his best to be polite.

"Now for business. You applied here for a job, correct?" Allen nodded, thinking that that was obvious, but he wouldn't show that on his face, "Good. Right now, we have openings in the Front End. We are looking to start hiring people for the summer, if you're still interested." Todd said.

"Yes sir, I am. Working in Front End means working as a cashier, right?" Allen asked, not completely sure what Front End meant, but he took an educated guess.

"Yes, that is correct. If you are still willing to take this job, you would work at the cash register. You will be trained, and you will put customers through the check out. This job involves handling money, and I am required to tell you that each register is counted every day to prevent theft. It has happened in the past and it will surely happen in the future. I don't expect that you would do anything of this nature, but it is part of my job to inform you of the workings of this establishment."said Todd.

"I understand, sir." Allen said.

"Very good. Now, for the interview part. It's just a couple of easy questions, not an interrogation, so please don't feel too nervous. I'm not that bad a guy, even if the last bit I said sounded a little intimidating. It's just protocol. First thing's first, I need your name, birthday, school, grade, and approximate average. It's just for our records." Todd said

"Okay. My name is Allen Walker. I was born December 25 1993, I attend Black Order High School, I am in the tenth grade, and my average is probably about an 85." Allen answered, making his voice sound confident. He figured that sounding shy, or like he wanted to curl up in a tiny ball away from this man, would only hurt his chances of getting a job. Although, thinking about it, the fact that they called him meant that he was pretty well guaranteed the job. They hire any teenager who's lucky enough to have their form drawn. They're not going to be too picky.

"Thank you. Why is it that you want this job?" asked Todd

"I want this job so that I can earn money for myself. If there is something that I need in the future, I will have a source of income and some savings with which to pay for it. I also feel that it is a good experience, working as a teenager. It will help me to prepare for my future as an adult. A job also means responsibility. It is an important characteristic in many people, and anything that will help it to show is all the better. I want this job because I feel that having a job is part of the beginning of the road to success in the future." Allen said, hoping that this answer was at least satisfactory.

I'm impressed. He's thinking that far ahead? Most people would probably say, 'so I can buy a car later,' or 'because I want money.' But he has thought about this. He's a smart kid. "Okay, the last question. It's about store procedures and such. If a customer comes up to you, complaining that you've shortchanged them, what would you do?" asked Todd, curious for this boy's answer. He wasn't the average teenager.

"I do not know sir. I haven't been trained yet, and I do not yet know the protocol for such procedures in the store. However, in this hypothetical situation, with my current knowledge, or lack thereof, of public relations, I would calmly and kindly ask the customer to show me the receipt and the change that I had given them. If I remember their order and remember what I had given them, and if the customer is correct and not a scammer, I would give them the correct change. Should they turn out to be a scammer, I would refuse and call a manager or supervisor, or someone with authority to deal with the customer. I do not know what else I could do beyond that." Allen replied, once again hoping that his answer had met expectations. Once again, it had gone far beyond them.

Wow. That's a very good answer. "And with that, our interview is over. Thank you for your time, Allen. If we decide to hire you, you will receive a call later this week with the time of the first training session. I hope to see you here again soon." Todd and Allen stood up, giving one last hand shake.

"Thank you sir." Allen said politely. He gave another smile and left the room, headed back to the bus stop. He really hoped that he'd done well. He wanted this job, and he felt anxious already for the call, even knowing that it wouldn't come for a few days if it came at all. Logically, he knew that there was a 99.9% chance of it coming, but that 0.1% chance fuelled his pessimistic views, and left the anxiety in its wake.

* * *

"Tim! I'm back! That was probably one of the most stressful things I've done in my entire life. I can't stop shaking! It's terrible. It's hard to breathe and I'm trying to calm down and it's not really working and my chest feels super heavy and I already know that it's just another mild anxiety attack but I can't do anything about it. I hate it when this happens. I need to calm down, I need to calm down, I need to calm down. And pacing around like this probably doesn't help.

"Maybe talking it out will help, right? Psychology people seem to think that talking helps, but I don't see how that works. It physically doesn't make sense. Talking about a problem doesn't make it go away so how is that supposed to help? But for some reason, people think it does. I don't get it. Unless the act of talking, controlled by the brain, changes some of the neuron firing patterns or something. Maybe if it changes those patterns, it changes the pattern that makes one feel anxious and scared and hurt into one of calm and pleasant things. Or at least more pleasant. I don't know! I'm not a biology or psychology student!

"But for some reason, venting to you about stupid unrelated things is making me calm down a little, Tim. I'm not shaking anymore, but that restless energy is still there, along with those anxious feelings. God, I hope they call back soon. I can't take this whole waiting thing. It's too nerve-wracking. What should I do, Tim? Do you have any ide-"

_RIIING! RIIING!_

Allen jumped half a foot in the air when he heard the phone ring. He hadn't realized that he was quite _that_ jumpy after the interview. He really needed to work on that whole anxiety thing.

_RIING! RIIING!_

Allen nearly jumped again, remembering that he hadn't actually picked up the phone. He went and picked it up.

"Hello. Residence of Marian Cross and Allen Walker. Allen speaking." Allen said, doing his best to hide the waver in his voice, caused by the anxiety and his mild and irrational fear of speaking into telephones.

"Allen! Guess what! You'll never believe it! I just got a call! Guess who it's from! Guess!" a much too excited Lenalee spoke quickly into the phone.

"Um, I dunno. Who called you?" Allen asked, much more calmly. His nerves calmed slightly when he heard his friend's voice.

"You're no fun. I wanted you to guess. You would have been wrong anyways, if you had. I just got a call from the manager of McDonald's! Can you believe it! I'm going to have a job! They set me up for an interview two Sundays from now! It's going to be so exciting!" Lenalee said, still overly happy about the prospect of getting a job.

"Congratulations Lenalee! I'm happy for you!" Allen said. He smirked to himself, "Say, Lenalee, if you happen to be working the register, does that mean you'll be able to get me free hamburgers and fries whenve-"

"Allen Walker! You're terrible! No! Of course not! How could you even suggest something like that!" Lenalee scolded him. He was pretty sure that she was joking, but he didn't want to actually upset her by mistake.

"I'm sorry. That was a stupid question. I shouldn't have said something like that." Allen apologized quickly. He meant every word of it.

"Allen, come on. I was just joking around, like you were. Are you really that bad at distinguishing jokes from serious comments? That was a joke, by the way." Lenalee said, laughing into the phone.

Allen was relieved, she wasn't upset, "I guess so. Have you told Miranda and Krory your good news yet?" Allen asked

"I called Miranda first, and I was going to give Krory a ring-a-ling after I finished telling you about it." Lenalee answered.

"I see. I shouldn't keep you then. Good news is best shared, right? Anyways, Congratulations again on getting the job." Allen said

"Thanks. Oh yeah, have you heard back from anywhere yet?" Lenalee asked

"Yeah. Loblaws called a week ago. My interview finished about an hour ago." Allen answered.

"What! You didn't tell me? Allen! Don't hide things like that! Congratulations to you too! We're both officially employed! Well, not officially yet, but for jobs like this, just getting picked pretty much means that we're hired. You shouldn't keep things like that from all of us. I'm happy for you too." Lenalee scolded

"I wasn't hiding it, it just never came up. That's all." said Allen

"Whatever you say. Anyways, I won't keep you. Congrats again on getting the job! I'll see you at school." Lenalee said

"I'll see you too. Congratulations. Bye." Allen replied, then hung up. His nerves were fried. They were so fried that he couldn't really feel anything anymore. He felt that it was probably better this way. He wouldn't have to deal with all those stupid emotions that never made sense in the first place.

The only problem with having fried nerves, is that it makes one really tired.

"Tim, I think I'm going to go take a nap. I'm emotionally drained, and since my brain seems to want to apply these emotions to my physical body, I'm exhausted. I'll be up in time for dinner, got it?" Allen said as he went upstairs. He passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Allen was up for dinner, just not Saturday's dinner. He woke up the next afternoon feeling much better than he had before, except for one thing. His stomach hurt. A lot. He hadn't eaten for over a full day. He quickly fixed this problem by running downstairs and fixing himself a snack to hold him over until he'd finished making dinner. Tonight's menu: spaghetti.

Some ground meat, a can of crushed tomatoes, a can of diced tomatoes, garlic, oregano, and chopped onions later, Allen had a great spaghetti sauce. Boil the noodles for ten minutes, and he was ready to eat.

_DING! DONG!_

Major third. It's the doorbell. Allen had just set his food on the table. He had a good mind to go tell off the person at the door, and maybe intimidate them a little with whatever glare he could come up with. No one ever gets between Allen and his food. That is the unspoken law of the universe, and someone, apparently, had just broken it.

Allen put on his his worst glare and most irritated look before walking over and opening the door. Lenalee was standing on the steps.

"A-Allen! I'm so sorry. This must be a bad time. I'm going to go now, I'll come back later." She stammered after getting a glance of his face.

Oh, shit! It's Lenalee! Damn, I hope she doesn't start crying, I'm so stupid! "No, Lenalee, don't leave. You walked here, didn't you, and it's a long way. Come on in." Allen said, quickly replacing his awful look with a smile.

"Th-That's okay. I don't want to bother you." she said, turning to leave.

"If you were bothering me, would I be inviting you to stay? Now come in. It must be something important if you walked all the way over here." Allen insisted

"But, what's with the face you just had? The one you had before you replaced it with that smile of yours." Lenalee asked

"That's just to scare away solicitors. I didn't mean to scare you." Allen said, "Now come inside. I just made some spaghetti." Allen hoped to bribe her with food, even if she did interrupt his meal. He could deal with that if it meant making one of his friends feel more at ease.

"Okay. I guess if that's okay..." Lenalee trailed off, still nervous from seeing Allen's face.

"It's not a problem at all." Allen assured, still smiling. His mind was back on the spaghetti. He hoped it wasn't cold yet.

Lenalee stepped inside and removed her shoes. Allen led her to the kitchen and served her some spaghetti. The two ate their meal in silence. Except for the slurping for noodles.

"This is really good Allen. You should give me the recipe. And my brother too. His spaghetti doesn't taste nearly this good." said Lenalee

"Eh? Really? I just threw this together. It's no big deal." Allen belittled himself.

Once finished, Allen cleared the plates and put the now empty pots into the sink for cleaning later. The two went over to the couch and sat down.

"So, um, this might be a weird question." Lenalee started, "Is your guardian home?" she asked

"No, he's not." Allen answered.

"Oh? That's good I guess. But, where is he?" Lenalee asked.

"He's... at work." Allen lied. He smiled in hopes to make her drop the subject since he knew that his smile wouldn't convince her of the lie.

"On a Sunday?" Lenalee questioned, skepticism strong in her voice.

"Yes. He's a priest." Allen said. It wasn't technically a lie, but Cross hadn't associated himself with the church for years. Not since around the time he picked Allen up from Mana's grave.

"Oh. I didn't know that." She didn't sound completely convinced, but she couldn't prove otherwise. There was a cross on a shelf in the living room, much to Allen's displeasure, but he couldn't remove it because Cross had forbidden it. Now that Cross was gone, Allen left it there to sometimes glare at when he felt frustrated.

"Now I have a question for you." Allen said, "How did you find my house? None of you has been here before."

"Komui drove you home once, in December. I managed to get him to give me the address a while back, and then Google searched where it was. I'm not a stalker or anything, I just wanted to know a little about you since you don't seem to want to share anything with us most of the time. You've never invited us over, so I decided to drop by. I wish that was the only reason I came over though." Lenalee admitted.

"Oh yeah? What's the other reason?" Allen asked, not unkindly. He could see that Lenalee was a little distressed about what else she had come over for.

"I came to apologize. For yesterday, I mean. You're still somewhat to blame for not telling us anything, especially something so wonderful, but I shouldn't have gotten so mad. Maybe, in your eyes, it's just not as important or something. Or maybe you don't think of us as friends the same way that we think of you as one. I hope it isn't the latter, but since you never say anything, I can't really tell." Lenalee said, tears dripping out of her eyes.

Fuck! I made her cry! Damn it! Why can't I just go die now! "Lenalee, look at me. Look right at me and tell me if I'm lying about anything I'm about to say to you. You are my friends. I care very deeply for each of you. For Krory, for Komui, for Miranda, and especially for you. You are all dear to me and dislike is not even close to the reason why I don't say anything. I'm just a shy person is all. You are all definitely my friends, for better or for worse. Now don't cry. There isn't anything to hurt about now, is there?" Allen said with as much kindness in his voice as he could.

"Well-Well, maybe." Lenalee hiccupped.

"Want to walk about it?" asked Allen, now concerned for his friend

"It's just like before. You won't talk and brother won't talk and it really hurts me inside. It's almost like you can't trust me, either of you. I know you both probably have your reasons, but it's still like a knife in my chest. Brother has been doing it for as long as I can remember, and you just remind me of it when you hide things. It really really hurts." Lenalee said, tears falling freely on to her pants.

"I'm sorry Lenalee. I didn't mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you." Allen said.

"That's just it. You and brother are so worried about not hurting me that you don't realize that the silence hurts me anyways. You act like I can't see that you're hiding something and that hurts even more. Ignoring my feelings." Lenalee said

"I'm really sorry. I hadn't thought of it that way before." Allen said

"But I know sort of what brother is hiding, and that's what tops it all off. He's keeping back something important from me. Something about my parents. All I can remember from my parents is loving them and them loving me. I don't know why brother is hiding their lives from me. He remembers them more because he's older than I am. He had more years with them, and had developed a decent memory before they'd died. Now, even though he knows that I want to know about them, he won't tell me. I wish I could say that I hate him and all that, but I really can't. He's my brother, my only family, and he loves me like no one else ever will. He's special to me and has always treated me with kindness and respect, except for not telling me about our parents. Now that I'm older, he still won't trust me with that information. I'm not asking anything bad, right? Aren't kids supposed to want to know about their parents?" Lenalee asked, almost rhetorically.

"No, it's not wrong at all. It's perfectly normal, Lenalee. I agree with you, that Komui should tell you, but he probably has some reason not to. Don't get me wrong, I'm on your side, but, like you, he probably hurts over not being able to tell you, even if he wants to. Especially if he wants to and knows that you want it too. That said, it must be a pretty good reason for him not to say anything if that turns out to be true. You know he loves you, and the fact that he isn't just doing what you ask means that there's something holding him back, and it's probably killing him." Allen explained, hoping that Lenalee would believe him. If his suspicions were correct, he could completely understand Komui's reasoning.

"You think so?" Lenalee asked.

"Yes I do, and I bet I'm pretty close with my guess, too." Allen said, putting on his (in)famous smile.

This time, Lenalee didn't comment on it, "Thanks, Allen. You're a really great friend. You let me sit here and vent and cry and probably make feel horribly uncomfortable and awkward with all the drama and you still try to help me out. You're the best, you know that? Don't let anyone ever say otherwise." Lenalee said.

"Thanks Lenalee, but I'm not that great. And I don't feel awkward or uncomfortable at all." Allen said. Lies!

"Even now, you still say stuff like that to make me feel better. You really don't have to. Just be honest, okay?" Lenalee said

"I always am." Allen lied.

Lenalee sighed, "As expected. But thanks a lot for letting me rant at you. I'll think about what you said. It makes me feel a lot better. And never forget, you're a great person." Allen flinched slightly, he wasn't comfortable with hearing things like that, "If you ever, and I mean _ever_ need to talk, about _any_thing. I'll be here, always. Just like you are for me. Friendship works both ways Allen, and you don't have to be alone all the time." Lenalee said.

"I know that, Lenalee. Thank you." Allen said, "Now, would you like me to walk you home?"

"A-Are you sure? Brother might..." Lenalee said nervously, thinking about what Komui might do if he found out that she'd spent a good amount of time at Allen's house. Alone. With a boy. Allen. Without telling him.

"It's okay. I wanted to talk to him anyways. I can say I was out for a walk and bumped into you, then we decided to come back to your place. I imagine you didn't tell him that you were coming here and probably said that you were just going out for a walk or to do errands or something as an excuse." Allen said

"Um... Exactly right. I said I was going for a walk." Lenalee admitted, looking down.

"Well, no time to waste. Let's get going. And maybe I can give your brother the recipe for the spaghetti sauce while I'm at it." Allen winked

"Sounds good." Lenalee said, putting her shoes and coat back on. The two soon departed for Lenalee's house.

* * *

**A/N**: Another chapter done! So fast too. My family hit our internet limit for the month so I had lots of time to write this down instead of surfing the web and procrastinating.

As for the doorbell thing, music majors, you'll understand. ;) Anyone else, go to the nearest piano and play A# above middle C then F# above middle C. Hold each note for about a quarter note. You'll hear what I mean.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it. =) Thanks to anyone still reading, and feel free to leave a review.

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	25. Confrontations Part III

**Warning**: swearing, little angst, blood, abuse, death. I think that's all.

* * *

**Confrontations Part III**

* * *

_March 2009_

"Come on, Lenalee. Hurry it up, or it'll be dark by the time we get back to your place." Allen called back to her, a little impatiently, but still smiling about it.

"But brother is going to be mad when he finds out that you and I were alone together, Allen! Maybe this isn't' a good idea..." Lenalee told him, uneasy about the situation. She didn't look like she'd been crying anymore, but she was afraid that her brother would find out about it and punish Allen, even though it wasn't his fault.

"Don't worry about it. Komui knows I'd never consider doing anything, and we were just out for a walk, right? And happened to run into each other. Nothing wrong about that." Allen said, thinking that his excuse was infallible.

"But that's what people _always_ say when they're going to... you know..." Lenalee trailed off.

"...to randomly meet someone on a walk?" Allen finished her sentence.

Lenalee stared at him, almost thinking he was joking until she saw the innocent and somewhat confused expression on his face. "When they're going to meet someone and do... things..." Lenalee said, hoping Allen would get it.

"Like take a walk? I don't understand Lenalee, what's so embarrassing about that?" Allen asked.

Lenalee sighed. Allen really didn't understand anything. "People use that excuse so that they can go out on a date and do date things and more. That way, they have the excuse of randomly bumping into the person who brought them home, even though they were really doing completely different things." Lenalee said.

"Oooooh." Allen said, finally understanding, "but we're telling the truth, sort of. Not really, actually. In any case, we didn't actually do anything like that, or anything close to that, so we should be totally safe." Allen said, convincing himself.

"But Komui might think differently. It's all perception, you know." Lenalee stated.

"Oh. Crap. We're screwed, aren't we?" Allen realized, face paling a little at the thought of what Komui might do to him for walking Lenalee home.

"You bet we are." Lenalee said.

"Well, we're here anyways. I think I've got enough on him, at least, so that he won't kill me this time. I hope. If I'm lucky. Since we're here, we'd better go in, before Komui sends the police after you or something." Allen said.

"What do you mean, you have enough on my brother?" Lenalee asked as Allen knocked and Komui opened the door. Needless to say, her question went unanswered.

"Allen? What are you doing here? And... OH MY GOSH! LENALEE I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING FOR A WALK BUT IT'S BEEN OVER AN HOUR? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN AND WHY ARE YOU SHOWING UP WITH _HIM_? A _BOY_! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, LENALEE? I'M YOUR BROTHER! HOW COULD YOU HURT YOUR OLDER BROTHER SO?" Komui wailed loudly before turning to Allen, "And what exactly did you do with my little sister? Eh? Don't tell me you just 'happened' to 'randomly bump into her' while you were both 'out for a walk.'" Komui accused

"Well, actually..."Allen started, smiling nervously and rubbing the back of his head.

"Brother! That _is_ what happened! And you know Allen would never do something like that! We were talking about you having this exact reaction, and I had to explain to him _why_ you would have to ask a question like that. He's too innocent." Lenalee explained.

"Are you serious?" Komui said, disbelieving that a teenage boy wouldn't pick up on that popular excuse and it's underlying meanings. "Wow, I'm impressed." He had calmed down considerably, now that Lenalee had explained the situation, even if it wasn't 100% true.

"A-Anyways, Komui. I was just trying to be nice and bring Lenalee home. I can't very well let a nice girl walk herself home, especially when it's almost dark. That would be disrespectful and irresponsible of me as her friend and as a gentleman. I also had something I wanted to speak to you about, which is how I bumped into her. I doubt we would have met if I wasn't already headed into your neighbourhood." Allen said, half-lying and covering up the big hole in their original lie. He had far too much experience with lie-webs like this.

"Oh, I see. In that case, I'll prepare some tea, and we can talk about whatever it is you came to see me about." Komui said, bringing Allen to the couch, "Sit. I'll be back in a few minutes." With that, Komui left to make some tea, leaving the two teens on the couch.

"Um, Lenalee, this is kind of really awkward to ask, and I'm really sorry, but do you think that maybe Komui and I could have a private conversation?" Allen asked, trying to be polite about it.

"Why's that? You know you can tell me anything too, right Allen?" Lenalee asked, a little bit of hurt showing in her eyes. She had really hoped that Allen had come to trust her by now, and didn't want to think otherwise, especially after their talk earlier.

"It's... How should I say this... Kind of a guy-to-guy sort of talk. It's nothing personal, I just don't think you'd be totally comfortable hearing about it." Allen lied, smiling and acting nervously to (hopefully) convince Lenalee.

"Oh, I guess if it's something like _that_... But I thought you were asexual and not into that kind of thing, Allen? Or maybe it's just me not understanding much about it." Lenalee thought aloud.

Allen chuckled, happy that she'd believed his lie, and a little amused by her admitting that she didn't totally understand how his sexuality worked, "It's okay. You don't need to understand because it's not really important. I just wanted to clear some matters up with Komui, and that's all. You really don't need to worry about a thing." Allen assured her.

"Okay, well, I'll go do homework or something, I guess. Brother should be coming out with the tea soon, so enjoy your talk. I hope it's enlightening." Lenalee smiled

"Oh, I'm sure it will be. Good luck with the homework." Allen said, smiling back as she turned to go up to her room.

Allen sat on the couch, thinking thoughts until Komui came out with the tea a few minutes later. He sat down on the couch next to Allen and served the tea, both taking a couple of sips in the moment of silence.

"So, Allen. What sort of guy-to-guy things do you want to talk about?" Komui asked, looking a little awkwarded out by the situation, but trying his best to remain neutral. He'd overheard Allen and Lenalee talking from the kitchen.

Allen nearly choked on his tea. "What?! Did you honestly think that's what I'd come to talk to you about? I'd rather learn it myself, thank you, whenever, if ever, it starts to turn my interest." Allen told Komui, hoping to clear up the awkward atmosphere.

"Thank god." Komui let out a breath, "I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say. That's a relief."

"Don't get relieved yet." Allen said with all seriousness, "We are still going to talk, and I know you definitely won't be happy about it. I wouldn't do this under most circumstances, but we really need to do this, or should I say, you really need to do this." Allen started explaining.

"What are you talking about?" Komui asked, confused, and a little tense after hearing Allen's words. He didn't like the direction that this was headed. At least he had the tea to calm his nerves a little, should it come to that.

"Well, to be very very blunt, I need you to talk to me about whatever happened that you won't tell Lenalee. I know it was really bad, and that's why you need to tell me." Allen said.

"No, I don't." Komui said coldly, "I don't have to say anything, Allen. This is quite rude of you, actually, and if this is all you wanted, then I think you should leave. I am not willing to talk about it."

"But if you were willing, then I could stay?" Allen asked, not quite ready to give up just yet. He figured he had a pretty good piece of information that would convince Komui to spill it. "This will be good for you, for one thing, so I don't know why you won't talk."

"Bullshit!" Komui interrupted, "You do the same thing!"

"Ah, but I'm not the one hiding it from my younger sister, who, from what I've been able to guess, is somehow involved in whatever you're holding in." Allen began, "I know you know that we didn't just bump into each other earlier, because before earlier today, I didn't have any reason to come bother you tonight. If not for one thing, I would have left you alone to never tell anyone, because that's what you would do, right? Hold it in forever? Well you don't know how much pain you've been causing your sister by keeping it all to yourself." Allen accused, "You don't know anything about how much she's suffering because of you. I don't know anything about the situation, but I expect you to tell me. All I know is that it has something to do with your parents. People Lenalee has a couple of good memories of, but no more because she was so young. You are hiding them from her and keeping information about her loved ones from her. I'm sure you have a good reason, and I'd love to hear it because I certainly can't think of any one reason as to why you would do something like that." A little anger was coming from Allen's voice now, unintentionally.

"You don't know anything! You admitted it! And I don't need to tell you. I do have a reason, and it is a good one, and that's all it should matter to you. I think it's time you should be go-" Komui was cut off.

"No. There is no good reason for hiding away good things from your sister. You want to make her happy? Then why do you lie to her and never speak to her about the people that she loved, or still loves now. Her parents were part of her world, as are all of her friends and people that she cares for, and you hiding them away from her is just like destroying a city, or even a country in her world, especially if those memories of her parents were so great. Holding back nice things is nothing but a torture." Allen glared at Komui, remembering his suspicions partway through the rant. The last sentence was nothing more than to provoke a reaction and finally get Komui to spill the truth. In his emotional state, Komui completely fell for it.

"And who said that what I was holding back was nice? I never said I was keeping good things from her, because, from what I can remember, there was hardly anything good about our parents at all!" Komui glared back, only realizing what he'd said afterwards, "God... I'm sorry." Komui tried to leave.

Allen grabbed Komui's wrist before he got up, "No, sit and talk. You need to let it out. No one can hold it in forever, right?" Allen said, looking up at Komui with kindness, no harshness in his voice at all.

"Hypocrite." was all Komui said, quietly, with his head and body turned away from Allen.

Allen was still holding his wrist, refusing to let go because he figured that Komui would try to run away the moment he let go, kind of like he did when marking assignments. "Not this time. I talked about Mana, remember? You know the story of my dad, now let's hear about yours, 'kay?" Allen said, smiling his nicest smile, in hopes to comfort Komui.

"But you did it willingly." Komui argued.

"I haven't broken psychology yet. I said you needed to get it out, so did I. There isn't anything diffferent between you and I. I was just a bit less stubborn about it." Allen said, letting a little smugness into his voice with the last sentence.

"I can't believe I'm being told off about being stubborn by someone younger than me!" Komui complained, hoping to change the subject.

"That's a no-go. I know what you're doing. Now talk. Tell me what you won't tell Lenalee, or at least give me a good reason why you won't." Allen said firmly, but not unkindly.

"Why I didn't want to tell Lenalee... It is... My parents... She loves them so much and I can't hurt her good memories of the ones who gave her life, just because of me." Komui said.

"Go on." Allen prompted.

"That's... That's because..." Komui was having a very hard time saying it, "because they hated me and took every opportunity they could to kill my confidence, hurt my feelings, and beat me for never being good enough for them. They didn't want a son, only a daughter, and I was the mistake that they never wanted. They were cruel to me, but they loved Lenalee and never showed her their violent sides. I want her the be happy, so I can't tell her... I never can... It's my burden to bear, and mine alone. She doesn't have to know and she doesn't have to have her happiness destroyed, especially at my hand." Komui admitted.

"My god... I'm really sorry. I didn't know. I mean, I had suspicions, but after what Lenalee always said... I guess I couldn't really put my faith in my thoughts... I'm so sorry Komui. I really shouldn't have said all that stuff." Allen said, reaching to touch Komui's shoulder to comfort him, but got the reflexive flinch.

"It's not your fault Allen. You didn't know, and you are right. About what you said. But I wasn't completely wrong either. You can agree with me that Lenalee probably wouldn't handle news like this very well." Komui said, looking like he'd lost most of his emotions.

"I guess you're right about that. If I was you, I'd probably have done the same thing." Allen admitted. The two took a few minutes to sit in silence and sip at the tea. It seemed to be a good foresight on Komui's part, even if unintentional. It was less awkward to sit in silence and drink tea than to just sit in silence after all that.

"I suppose..." Komui started, "that I should tell you about the night they died? I... I never _ever_ want Lenalee to hear about it, because it's the guilt that I feel all the time. It will never go away. No matter what, and I can't ever wish it to. It wouldn't go, and it would be morally wrong for me to ever wish it away. Their death was at my hands. I'm a murderer." Komui admitted gravely.

Allen sat silently, not knowing what he should do or say. He saw the older man's hand resting on the couch, so he took it in his and held it for comfort, looking up at the man to silently let him know that he was listening.

"It was a pretty bad night. I got perfect on a test, but I still wasn't top of the class. I was tied, and that just wasn't good enough for them, even though the kid I was tied with both had perfect in every subject..."

* * *

_Several years ago..._

"_Hey Komui! How was the test?" asked Bak._

"_It was just fine, really easy, I thought. How about you?" asked Komui_

"_Same here! I bet we tied again, just like always." said Bak_

"_Oh yes, Bak-chan. You bet we did. Physics, Chemistry, Biology, we're science geniuses." Komui said._

"_Don't call me 'chan'! You're just as bad as Fou, sometimes, you know? Speaking of Fou, I have to run meet her, or else she'll get angry with me. Again. Anyways, see you tomorrow, Komui!" Bak called as he ran off._

_Komui looked after his friend, a little jealous that he had a nice family. Fou, his sister, might bother him a bunch, and pick on him, call him names, all that stuff, but only because she really cares for him. His own family is completely different. Komui sighed, letting a little bit of fear sink in, now that he knew he'd be in trouble, once again. He made his way to the bus, trying not to think about what was to come once he got home._

"_Once again, my son has failed to get first in the class." his father said, disappointingly._

"_But father, I did place first. I scored perfect on the test. I just wasn't the only one." Komui tried to explain. He knew that the explanation was pointless, as he'd tried it several times over the course of high school._

"_Idiot. How should either your mother or myself live when we know that our son is such a disappointment. If the test was so fucking easy that two students can score perfect, then you should have done better by getting extra credit or bonus marks or the like. Anything. But you can't even do that one simple thing. You are a failure to us. Now leave. Go study or something, somewhere away from here so that we won't have to look at your ugly mess of a face." his father stated coldly, turning his back to his son. Komui walked upstairs to his room, knowing that if he ran, the later punishment would only be worse._

_As he walked up the stairs, he paused. He heard his father speaking to his mother, once again. "Dear, we need to do something about that boy. He brings nothing but failure here, and I can't accept that. He will never meet our expectations or the expectations of society. He hasn't, even since he was born. We only ever wanted a girl, but he had to be born a boy. That was his first mistake."_

"_Yes, I agree. I wish, too, that he was a girl. A girl is all we've wanted, a daughter, and not a son. At least we have Lenalee, now. It was hard for me to get pregnant a second time, it took many years of trying, but now we have our darling little girl. Lenalee, would you come here, pumpkin? Mommy wants to give you a hug!" called Komui's mother_

"_Mommy!" squealed Lenalee as her mother scooped her up and started showering her with affection._

"_Lenalee, listen to me, okay? Are you a good girl?" asked her mother_

"_Yes I am! Lee-nee-lee is always a good girl." said Lenalee_

"_And what do you have to do to always stay a good girl?" asked her mother_

"_Listen to Mommy and Daddy! They know what's good and what's bad!" said Lenalee, very happy to be getting the answers right._

"_Very good. Then listen to Mommy when I say that I don't want to you play with your big brother anymore." said her mother_

"_Why not?" asked Lenalee, "I love my big brother."_

"_Your big brother is a very bad boy. I don't want his bad to make you bad too, I want you to stay a good girl. Don't play with him anymore, okay?" his mother asked._

"_That's right, Lenalee. Keep away from your brother." said her father._

_Lenalee looked unsure, but nodded because her parents said so. Komui stood on the stairs, watching in shock as his parents pretty much told his sister that he was a failure, worth nothing, unwanted, and a bad influence. He had never done anything to his sister to merit this, and he never would. Big brothers protect their younger siblings, make them happy when they're said, and always do their best for them. That's the job of a big brother._

_But his parents just denied him that. They told Lenalee that he should never be around her anymore because they think he's a failure. They hate him because he was born a boy, something that he had no control over, and, if they knew anything about biology, was all his father's fault. There's only one place to get a Y-chromosome. Komui was angry, at his parents, but mostly at himself. He went upstairs to his room, and fell onto his bed, crying, instead of doing homework, for once._

"_I hate them. I hate them so much. They always hurt me. They tear my feelings to pieces, and even though I try not to feel anything, because they're my parents, everything they say will bring me higher than high, or lower than low. But it's always been low. They always insult me and tell me why nothing I do is never good enough. Even when I was a little kid. I know I'm a failure, a disappointment. I always have been and that will probably never change. And now, I can't even look out for my sister because they're taking her away from me too. I guess that's my own fault, for failing to meet their expectations once again." Komui muttered to himself, into his pillow to muffle the sound. He couldn't have his parents walk in on this._

"_I've never done enough. An A+ average in elementary school and middle school means nothing without being the best in all the sports teams, extracurricular clubs, academic contests, even better than those in much higher grades, those who are taller, bigger, more experienced. I couldn't match them, no matter how hard I tried. Even though I hadn't hit puberty yet, that wasn't an excuse for the sports. Even though I was younger, it wasn't an excuse for the clubs and contests.. I still had to be better, to prove my worth as a son. They were always so angry, and expected me to do even better after they hit me and hurt me and made it harder to move around and do what they wanted. I kept trying and it all ended in failure._

"_And then they had Lenalee. They were happy to have a girl. Right in the middle of middle school, too. I felt so guilty the moment she was born because I knew what she'd have to put up with. Verbal and emotional attacks at home and at school, maybe even some physical attacks. That's what I'd gotten and I though she'd be the same, though maybe less with the physical attacks because she was a girl. But no, they treated her so nicely. They love her and they hate me, all because I was born the wrong gender and they couldn't get pregnant again. I can't make them love me because of something out of my control. I'm happy for Lenalee, and the best way for her big brother to protect her is to never let her see what Mom and Dad do to me. She's the only person out there with a shred of love for me, and while I probably deserve everything that I get, I can't let her see what they do. It would tear her to pieces. Maybe they were right in keeping me away from her. This means that I won't be around her, therefore she's less likely to see or notice any evidence, especially as she gets older and more aware of the world and how others feel. Even if it breaks me completely, I'm happy as long as she never knows."_

_Komui cried into his pillow a little longer, before sitting up and beginning his homework. He had to get it finished before dinner, because after dinner, it would hurt too much to think._

_Luck must have been on his side, because, despite the headache he'd given himself by crying for so long, he'd managed to finish everything perfectly in only an hour and a half, just before dinner time. Of course, once he was called downstairs, his lucky break would be over._

"_Boy! Dinner!" called his mother._

"_Yes Mom!" he called back. He went to the bathroom to clean himself up, then took himself downstairs for dinner, his little time to mentally prepare himself for the rest of the evening._

_After eating, Lenalee was put to bed, and Komui was asked to wait on the couch. Lenalee tended to fall asleep early and quickly, which worked out very well for his parents in this situation. Once they were certain that Lenalee was asleep, the two began their work._

"_You have failed us again!" A punch to the shoulder._

"_You've let us down, ashamed us with your stupidity!" A kick to the thigh._

"_For the last time, you have hurt our reputations. We can't kick you out, but we don't want you here any longer! We have no need for a son like you!" A very hard punch to the face._

_Komui fell down, almost unconscious. "Put him at the bottom of the stairs. If he bleeds into his brain and dies, we can say it was an accident." was the last thing he heard before passing out._

_When Komui came to, he heard his parents muttering something in the kitchen. He was very tired and dizzy, and he couldn't think very clearly. All he knew was that his parents had tried to kill him, and he wanted to get away, and hopefully get Lenalee out with him. He started to move up the stairs, when he heard his parents shouting again. They had noticed that he was up and had come back to finish it all,or at least, that was his best guess._

_His father held a knife, and his mother had a rope._

"_Maybe we can make it a suicide. Teenagers just love doing stuff like this to themselves."_

_They grabbed him and got the rope over his neck. Komui started struggling as soon as his air was cut off, not because he could think about the situation, but out of pure survival reflex and adrenaline. He was growing lightheaded when a small "Mommy? Daddy?" was heard from the top of the stairs. The racket had woken Lenalee up._

_The parents were shocked, and his mother, standing halfway up the stairs, holding her son, turned to Lenalee and told her to go back to bed. Lenalee did as her mother instructed, not understanding any of the actions due to her age and sleepiness. Komui jerked around, fortunately just after Lenalee got back to her room and knocked his mother down the stairs. She laid there, unmoving. He could breathe again, and his father went after him with the knife. Still tangled in rope, Komui tripped and landed on top of his father, both falling to the bottom of the stairs. His father was winded and furious._

_His father started after him with the knife, but in self defense, Komui knocked his father's hand in a different direction, and the knife slashed open a small wound on his father's neck. It wasn't a big wound, but it hit the artery that feeds the brain. He couldn't remember what it was called in his current frame of mind._

_His father stood, shocked and in pain, and dropped the knife before falling to the floor._

"_You killed us both, you little fucking bastard. I hope you get caught, because you'll be tortured, then killed so that you can burn forever in the fucking fires of hell!" his father cursed, before falling silent._

_Komui's brain still hadn't caught up with him, but he knew he had to change out of his bloody clothes and get out of the house. It would be best to take Lenalee with him._

_He changed into clean clothes, stuffed some of his and his sister's clothes into his backpack, then picked up his sleeping sister and left the house. He wished it was for good._

* * *

_March 2009_

"So I took Lenalee to Bak-chan's place. His parents were doctors and said that I had a concussion, so my memories from that time aren't terribly clear. I know as much as I do because I took what I could remember, my parents' habits, and the scene that I had to clean up and puzzled it all together. I covered up the murder a week later, after I'd recovered, by cleaning the house to look like normal, leaving no traces of blood or anything behind. I then took the car, put my parents in it, then pushed it down a large hill where it hit a tree. I made sure that, when I went to examine the loud crash along with the neighbours, that there was plenty of glass on my dad for the neck wound, and plenty of dents for the bruises my mother received by falling down the stairs. Now that I'm older, I'm sure the coroners knew that my parents had been dead much longer than a few hours, but they never said anything, as it would involve a kindergarten-age kid, and a top high school student with no previous records or any ill behaviour.

"Lenalee and I lived with Bak-chan's family until I graduated high school and got a job. I worked night shifts at a gas station almost every day during the school year and the summer, but once I graduated and realized that I couldn't yet go to University or College, I decided to get a job as a teaching assistant at Black Order High School. The teachers knew me, and even though I didn't have a degree in education, or any degree at all, they knew that I knew all of the material, and probably more, backwards and forwards. They let me help out wherever, and they pay me much better than the gas station did. I guess those night shifts were how I got used to the lack of sleep state. Using some of my parents' money and my new salary, I managed to get this house, and Lenalee and I moved out of Bak-chan's house. I would have felt awkward staying there any longer than we had, and Bak-chan was going off to University too. We left, and this is where we are now.

"So now, what do you think Allen? I didn't tell Lenalee any of this because I know it will tear her up. I don't want her to know that the parents she loved so much, and that lover her, were terrible people. I can't hurt her like that. I just can't do it." Komui finished, a few tears falling off his chin and into his lap.

Allen pulled him into a hug. "I understand Komui. And I'm very sorry that any of this happened." Allen said. The two hugged for a few minutes before Komui pulled away.

"You know, I actually feel a bit better right now. I haven't told any one before, Bak-chan's parents never asked questions, nor did he."

"I'm happy you could trust me, Komui." Allen said, truly grateful for that. He was also happy that Komui seemed to be feeling better.

"What does this have to do with trust? You practically blackmailed me." Komui tried to laugh.

Allen understood that he was joking, for once. "Good point. And you just gave me more blackmail, you idiot." Allen joked back. The two started laughing

After a minute, Allen said quietly, "I agree that you shouldn't tell Lenalee that, but maybe you could tell her something about how much they loved her, some nice memories that she might not remember? Just so that she doesn't hurt about that so much. If it doesn't hurt you to do that, I mean."

"No, you're right. It doesn't hurt to talk about them at all anymore. They've been gone for years, after all." Komui said.

"Then... um... why all the..." Allen felt awkward asking.

"These are tears of relief, Allen. Not sadness. I am a murderer, and I will always have to live with that, but I can't feel sad about it anymore." Komui said.

"But that was self-defense!" Allen pointed out. He didn't want his friend to feel guilty for something he couldn't control, again.

"Maybe it was, but murder is murder. I have two accounts of first degree murder on my hands, and while blood can be cleaned from walls and floors, it can't be cleaned from your hands, not once it's been spilled." Komui said sadly. "I'm going to get some more tea."

"Okay then. If you're looking a bit better when you come back, do you want me to call Lenalee down? Right now, I wouldn't. You look a right mess, you know?" Allen said, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"Maybe..." Komui thought, still not getting out of his mood.

"Or maybe I can just go up to her room, so that we can do things. We'll sit on her bed, alone, and talk, see where things go..." Allen said, a grin growing on his face.

"NO ONE TOUCHES MY SISTER LIKE THAT!" Komui shouted, his sister complex, once again, taking control over him. Allen was glad to see him back to normal, even if his 'normal' meant attacking Allen and searching for his most recent Komurin to come and destroy the boy.

"Komui! Allen would never do something like that! Stop thinking that every guy out there is going to want to do perverted things with me!" Lenalee called from upstairs. "Anyways, it sounds like your chat is done. I'm nearly done my homework, so I'll be down in ten minutes or so!"

"Sounds good Lenalee!" Allen called up, as he tried to figure out how he could destroy the Komurin so that it would stop chasing him around for the next ten minutes.

* * *

Lenalee didn't actually do ay of her homework. She didn't believe that Allen wanted a guy-to-guy talk with Komui, that just wasn't Allen's was of doing things. He'd more likely look these things up on the internet, than talk to a real person about it. She knew that whatever this conversation was going to be about, it would be important. She decided to eavesdrop.

"Well, to be very very blunt, I need you to talk to me about whatever happened that you won't tell Lenalee. I know it was really bad, and that's why you need to tell me." she heard Allen say.

Komui continued denying things for a while until Allen got him to start spilling.

"And who said that what I was holding back was nice? I never said I was keeping good things from her, because, from what I can remember, there was hardly anything good about our parents at all!" Komui said to Allen, looking like he'd regretted it immediately.

"They hated me and took every opportunity they could to kill my confidence, hurt my feelings, and beat me for never being good enough for them. They didn't want a son, only a daughter, and I was the mistake that they never wanted. They were cruel to me, but they loved Lenalee and never showed her their violent sides. I want her the be happy, so I can't tell her... I never can... It's my burden to bear, and mine alone. She doesn't have to know and she doesn't have to have her happiness destroyed, especially at my hand." was Komui's reasoning.

Lenalee put a hand over her mouth, to keep from making a sound. It shocked her to hear her brother say something like that with so much pain and sadness, and even guilt, in his voice. She heard his story and started crying silently. Were he parents really that unfair? Were they really that cruel to her brother? How could she have never noticed such a thing?

Then she heard Komui say, "Even if it breaks me completely, I'm happy as long as she never knows." That one line broke her heart.

When Allen got Komui to start acting normal again, Lenalee was relieved, so she called down to them to say she'd be there in ten minutes. She couldn't let them see that she had been crying, or else they'd know she had overheard them. She didn't blame her brother at all for anything he did, even if he blamed himself, and while she didn't like what she had learned, she felt it was still good to know. 'Knowing is better than not knowing, every time.' She couldn't remember where that quote was from.

Still, if her brother wasn't comfortable telling her, then she can't ever let him find out that she knew. She could wait until he's ready to tell her himself.

Ten minutes later, Lenalee checked the mirror to make sure that her eyes had gone back to normal. They weren't perfectly back to normal, but they just looked tired now. She could blame that on the homework. She went downstairs and killed the Komurin that was chasing Allen.

Then, she ran to Komui and gave him a big hug. "I love you brother, I always have and always will, you know that? Nothing you can ever do will change that." Lenalee told him. The story of their parents' deaths hadn't changed her opinion of him one bit. He was still he big brother, and she loved him very much. He always protected her and did his best for her. He went above and beyond doing everything a big brother should.

Komui was a little surprised by this sudden display of affection from his sister, but he just went with it. "Yeah, Lenalee. I know. I love you that much too. I'd do anything for you." he said.

In the middle of this heartwarming moment, Allen knew that his job was done. He took this as his cue to put on his shoes, take his coat, and slip silently out the door.

* * *

**A/N**: So, who expected a story like that? And that's how Komui got his sister complex. Anyways, Thanks again to anyone still reading, you guys rock! And please feel free to leave a review. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	26. The Roof

**A/N**: Sorry it's been a bit. Insert excuse here. But I got this chapter done, so I hope you enjoy it!

**Warning**: some angst, self harm.

* * *

**The Roof**

* * *

_April 2009_

It had been a bit over a month since Allen had spoken with Komui. Komui still acted the same, crazy about his sister, a science genius, and a creator of crazy, insane robots that attack any boy (and some girls) who would try to get near his sister. He still kept his secret. He didn't tell Lenalee anything, and Allen couldn't blame him. Allen felt that Lenalee probably couldn't handle something like that very well, therefore couldn't fault Komui for keeping silent. And it's also Komui's business. Something like that isn't really something that one just comes out and says to anyone.

And it isn't something that Allen could just say to Lenalee for Komui. That wouldn't be right, after all, it's Komui's problem, his experiences, his story, and only his thing to tell. Allen figured that it was probably hard for Komui to say anything to his sister because it isn't really an easy story to hear. Especially for Lenalee, who's parents were killed. He thought that maybe Komui didn't know how to start, or how to approach such a topic. Or maybe he just didn't want to be the one to make his sister cry. Allen certainly didn't want to be in that position either, although it had happened more times than Allen would have liked.

Whatever the case, Allen thought that Komui should probably come up with something to tell her, At least something vague or ambiguous, but still true. Hopefully something nice, for Lenalee's sake. Lenalee hadn't brought up the subject of her brother's secrecy since that day, and Allen was grateful for that, since he didn't know what he'd say if she brought it up again. He knew the story, he knew the reasons, and it isn't his place to say anything. He doesn't want to see Lenalee hurt at all, but he really would have no choice. Allen was very happy about the silence.

At least, for a while.

"Hey Allen, how's it going?" asked Lenalee, one Friday morning.

"I'm alright, and how are you?" Allen replied

"I'm good, I'm good. And before I forget, can I talk to you about something?" Lenalee asked, fiddling with one of her pigtails. She seemed nervous about something.

"Sure no problem. I'm always open for conversations. What is it you want to talk abo-" Allen was cut off.

"Lenalee! Allen! Good morning!" Krory shouted, running towards the two of them.

"Good morning Krory." Lenalee smiled at him and dropped her hair, "How are you this morning?"

"I'm doing great! It's Friday, which means that tomorrow is Saturday and Saturday is the weekend and the weekend means that I can sleep in tomorrow and spend lots of time with my plants. Oh, and doing homework, but that won't be very fun. And maybe not anything else after tending to the plants... it's kind of lonely... Aw, damn it! I just ruined my good mood." said Krory

"Even if it's gone, it can still come back. If it happened once, the it can happen again, right?" Allen said optimistically, "Just think happy thoughts Krory." Allen laughed a little.

"I guess you're right. But what has you speaking such happy things today? Are you in a good mood too? Why's that?" Krory questioned.

"Oh, that's just because Lenalee said she wanted to- oomph!" Allen was elbowed in the stomach by Lenalee.

"He just had a good sleep last night, is all. It put him in a good mood." Lenalee answered for him.

"Okay, if you say so, I guess." Krory said, "Anyways, where's Miranda this morning? Doesn't she usually arrive at the same time as you, Lenalee? Since you two are on the same bus."

"Oh yeah, she wasn't feeling too well today, so she stayed home. Nothing bad, she's just feeling a little under the weather. She'll probably be back on Monday." Lenalee answered.

"Well, maybe I'll drop by this weekend and give her some of my home grown tea leaves. It might help her to feel better." Krory mumbled toward the floor.

"Sounds like a great idea, Krory. I bet she'll appreciate it." Lenalee said, "And it's just about time for class. I've got to get going. Allen, can we finish our conversation later?" Lenalee asked

"Sure, no problem." Allen replied

"Okay, see you later!" Lenalee said as she walked away.

"What were you two talking about?" Krory asked

"Um, I don't know." Allen answered honestly.

"How do you not know what you were talking about. You couldn't have forgotten, it's only been a couple of minutes." Krory said

"I don't know because she hadn't told me what she was going to tell me yet. She asked if we could talk, I said yes, then you came by. That was pretty well the whole conversation." Allen explained

"Oh, I see. So it's _that_ kind of thing." Krory said

"What do you mean by _that_ kind of thing?" Allen asked

"Oh, I dunno." Krory winked, then walked away, leaving Allen behind with his confusion.

"You can't just say that and walk away! Come on, tell me! I really don't know what you mean by _that_ kind of thing." Allen called as he chased his friend towards their next class. Krory just chuckled at Allen's naivety.

* * *

_After school_

"Okay, Lenalee said she wanted to talk to me, but she didn't stop by at lunch, so I guess I should find her now. Komui will drive her home, so she doesn't have to worry about missing her bus, but it's kinda far for me to walk... This is a little inconvenient, but I've got a little change. I can get the bus from just down the road. It's only one transfer to get back to my area, so it should be fine. I'll just have to find Lenalee wherever she's hiding. Well, that will be easier once the students have left the building, so I guess I'll wait here for five minutes or so until the students clear out, then go look for her." Allen said to himself, "Then I can find out what she wanted to say to me earlier."

Allen waited around until the hallway cleared out, then headed in the direction of Lenalee's locker. It was a place to start. He didn't find her there, so he started just wandering around the building, trying not to get lost, and searching for her that way. He figured that she'd be able to lead him back to the front doors once he found her. If he found her. He hoped that he wouldn't be stuck here all weekend, because he didn't have any food. He didn't want to starve.

Allen stopped paying attention to where he was going when those thoughts distracted him, and ended up lost. Since he was lost, he figured he may as well keep wandering until he found Lenalee or somewhere or someone that he recognized, or even a teacher or janitor to tell him how to get out. Maybe he'd get lucky and find his own way out. He really should have paid attention to where he was going.

A few minutes later, Allen found some stairs that led to the roof. He figured a bird's eye view of the place might help him to figure out which way to go to get back. Or maybe there would be a ladder at the side that he could climb down. Allen walked up the stairs to the door to the roof, only to find that it was locked.

"Well, obviously. They can't just let random students walk up to the roof whenever they want, now, can they? I mean, there's probably some sort of law against it, school rules against it, and I bet it would cause a lot of hazards and problems. Why did I think it might be open? Whatever. I'll just pick it." Allen said to himself.

Using a spare paperclip from a nearby classroom, Allen made himself a lockpick and opened the door to the roof. It wouldn't be such a bad place to think, even if he couldn't find his way back. But he still had to find Lenalee. Maybe she would find him? She probably knew where he was better than he did.

Allen climbed on to the roof of his school and looked around. It looked like an ordinary roof. Flat, covered in bird poop and garbage, and had a chainlink fence going all the way around the edge. Allen mentally scolded himself for not remembering the fence on the roof. It's not like the fence is invisible from the ground.

"God, I'm an idiot. Why did I think for a second that there would be a ladder here when there's a fence that goes all the way around the roof? Gah! I'm so stupid!" Allen said to himself. Then he facepalmed, "And I'm even stupider for not thinking about climbing the fence for a better look half a minute ago. I'm up here to figure out how to get back, not for lounging around."

Allen climbed the fence. He sat on the top, looking out over the school. It seemed that he'd just walked in sort of an L-shape. Took one hallway almost to the end, turned, and then walked to the end of that hallway. How on earth did he manage to get lost from only that?

Talent? No, he didn't have any.

He kept staring out over the school. It was nice up there at this time of year. Not too cold, not too warm. There was a small breeze blowing his hair back from his face. The fresh air was nice and the silence was relaxing. Allen slumped over in his sitting position, for once, relaxing his muscles.

"This feels kind of nice," He said to himself, "being up high, looking down at the ground, wind blowing in my face, the quiet, the space, and it's a nice place to be alone." Allen looked at the ground, "If I jumped from here, would it kill me?" He wondered idly, "Maybe. I dunno if two stories is enough to kill someone with 100% certainty. But I know that the landing would hurt with 100% certainty."

Allen sat up there for about 10 minutes, thinking to himself. It was already after school, and he should go home at some point, but it's not like he had to make dinner for Cross. Just himself. He could do that whenever he wanted.

Allen turned back to look at the ground, and was staring at it for about ten seconds when he heard someone calling from behind him.

"Allen! What are you doing up here? I was looking for you everywhere!" Lenalee called from the doorway to the roof.

Allen startled and shook on the fence, but didn't fall off. Darn, it would have been a perfect accident if I'd died here and now, but I don't really feel like dying at the moment. I don't feel like living either, but I don't fell like dying. And that would be really hard on Lenalee if it was her fault. I guess it's better that I didn't fall.

"Lenalee! I didn't hear you come up. Thanks for finding me, I got lost and ended up up here." Allen said as he started to climb down from the fence.

"And what were you doing on the fence! That looked really dangerous! I was worried about you!" Lenalee said, walking over to Allen.

"Oh, I was just thinking. Despite what you might think, I have excellent balance. Falling off wasn't an option." Unless it was on purpose, Allen added silently.

Lenalee looked uneasy, as if she'd heard what he was thinking, but didn't say anything about it. She just remained silent.

"So, here's as good a place as any. We can sit down and talk." Allen suggested, sitting down with his back against the fence, "What is it you wanted to talk about?"

"Well, um, I'm not really sure how to start this. It's... kind of... really... it's... bad." Lenalee said.

"Take your time, and do whatever you need to. Sometimes I find it helpful just to straight up say the main point. Everything else might just flow from there." Allen suggested.

"Okay. I'll try that..." Lenalee trailed off, looking like she was mentally preparing herself for what she was about to say. She took a couple of deep breaths, then said, "I heard you and Komui talking a month ago and I heard everything that both of you said because I was eavesdropping and I'm really mad and sad and too many things for Komui and I still love him because he's my brother no matter what happened and I don't blame him because it's not his fault and I'm really sorry to him and I don't know what to say or do and it's all too much..." Lenalee ranted, now stopping for a breath and trying to hold back her tears.

"Lenalee, how...?" Allen's question was left unfinished, but it was answered anyways.

"I listened to your conversation from the top of the stairs. It was... hard to hear, I suppose. How my parents died, how Komui blames himself, how it might have been better for him if he didn't try to come back to get me... He wouldn't be feeling so much guilt." Lenalee admitted.

"I guess I understand why he didn't tell me. I'm his little sister, and he loves me a lot. He doesn't want anything in this world to hurt me. Especially himself. My parents treated me well, even if they didn't do the same for him, and he wanted me to remember the good things about them that only I knew. Hating people who showed me love would hurt me, and he didn't want that. I understand all that.

"I also understand that he didn't want me to hate him either, because that would hurt both of us, if I found out that he had killed them, even though it wasn't really his fault. I know that story now, and I don't hate him at all. I told him that nothing could ever make me hate him, and that's the truth. Nothing he could do could make me hate him, not even if he had purposefully killed Mom and Dad the same way that they tried to do to him. He's my brother and he's all the family that I know, because I was much too young before. I could never hate him."

"Maybe that's another reason he didn't tell you." Allen said gently, "Because it's a biased opinion."

"Maybe, but isn't every opinion biased? That's why they're opinions and not facts." Lenalee countered, "We're human. Nothing more, nothing less. All of us. We can't help but have a biased opinion. He's treated me with only kindness and support for the last... ten years or so, so I don't have any reason to hate him at all. How could such a kind person think such things about themselves, that they deserve to be hated? It doesn't really make much sense.

"You and he are kind of similar in that way, Allen. Blaming yourselves, putting everything on your own shoulders, carrying it alone. It doesn't have to be that way, not all the time. If you always carry it by yourself, eventually you'll get tired and the weight will become too much, and it can crush you. I don't want to see that happen. To either of you." Lenalee said, pausing for a moment.

Allen looked at the ground, choosing to remain silent. Why did she have to hit the mark on the nose? At least she doesn't know about my halfhearted attempt back at Christmas. She still thinks that it was an accident. But she was taking the whole conversation rather well, in general, better than he or Komui had thought that she would.

"You are both really important to me, and I'm really glad that Komui was able to talk to you. He's been doing so much better recently, and I wish that he could take your advice and say something to me." Lenalee continued, "But I haven't had to go through what he did, so I can only guess at how hard it must be for him to say anything about it to me at all. I'm not going to push him anymore, not just because I know it all now, but because I don't want to see him hurting anymore. If not talking about it keeps some of that hurt away, then I won't talk with him about it. He's done his best for me for so long, I want to do my best for him. He's my big brother."

Allen couldn't find an argument against what she'd just said. Except that maybe pushing him to say something would hurt before it helped, as proved by his own conversation with Komui. He felt that that would be a rather insensitive thing to say, though, as Lenalee was already thinking about Komui's feelings. They could work through this at their own pace. Nothing like this is ever perfect.

"Yes, he is. And you're his great little sister, who cares very deeply for him. I'm sure he knows that, and that it's greatly appreciated. You are his only loving family, after all." Allen said, trying to give Lenalee some comfort.

"Yeah, I know. That's why I feel so sad about it..." Lenalee said.

"You don't need to be. Komui has everything that he wants and needs. His sister. Don't tell me you haven't noticed his sister complex, I mean, it's kind of hard to miss." Allen joked, now attempting to cheer her up since the comforting didn't seem to work.

"Really? I guess I did miss it." Lenalee chuckled. It was good to see her laugh after such a heavy topic.

"Well, look out for it next time... And that should be pretty soon. We're up on the roof, and no one knows we're here. Komui included. He's going to start siccing some DNA tracking Komurins or something on the school to find you if we don't head back soon." Allen stood up and offered Lenalee a hand. She took it.

"You're probably right about that. He makes too many of those robots, and I wouldn't be surprised if he'd made one that could track my DNA, or my scent like a bloodhound." Lenalee said. She paused for a second as they walked back towards the door into the school, then said, "Allen, there's one more thing I need to ask you. If that's okay. I can ask you on the way down, it's quick."

"Sure. Ask me anything you like, Lenalee." Allen said, smiling at her. She knew that she probably wouldn't get a good answer from him as soon as she saw his smile.

The two started down the stairs.

"How are you doing? I mean, I know you take everything upon yourself too, and I just wanted to know if you're doing okay." Lenalee quickly asked.

"Absolutely fine." Allen kept smiling, "I'm happy, so there's nothing to worry about."

She knew he was lying, but she didn't have any proof. At least no proof that he couldn't make up some sort of reasonable sounding excuse for. She couldn't help her friend, and he was keeping her out again, just like he always did, just like Komui did. She trusted him so much, and he couldn't put faith in her at all. It tore her apart, but maybe this was his way of feeling comfortable? Or maybe there was something he really didn't want her to know about, just like her brother. She had shown him that she could handle it, but, in the end, she still trusts him too much, and he doesn't trust her enough.

"Okay, good to hear." Lenalee answered, returning his smile. He wasn't the only one who could play that game.

The two had reached the bottom of the stairs. "So, how do we get back? I got lost when I was looking for you and ended up here. I don't know how it happened, really. I wasn't paying attention." Allen admitted

"Allen, you are hopeless with directions. You said your balance was good? How can you do that if you can't tell up from down or right from left?" Lenalee teased.

"Hey, don't pick on me. I'm a poor little lost boy in the middle of a big scary high school." Allen played along.

"And I'm a little girl in the same big scary high school. And I'm younger than you. Shouldn't you be the one protecting me?" Lenalee joked.

"Always." Allen said. Lenalee wasn't sure if he was serious or not. "Anyways, care to show me how to get back to my locker? My stuff is kind of in there and I kind of need it."

"No problem. It's just this way." Lenalee said, leading Allen back towards the rest of the school.

* * *

"And here it is, your locker." Lenalee dramatically held her hand towards Allen's locker.

"Thanks a lot Lenalee. I might have been stuck on the roof all night if it wasn't for you. And how did you find me up there, anyways? I forgot to ask you earlier." Allen asked.

"Oh, I was walking around looking for you, and I saw a light coming from the stairs that led to the roof. When I looked up, the door was open, which was weird since the door is always locked. I went up to look at it and see if something was wrong, and I found you, looking like you were about to jump off the roof." Lenalee looked at Allen, slightly accusingly.

"I wouldn't do something like that. You know me. And didn't I say I was happy earlier." Allen smiled, trying to convince her.

Lenalee let the subject drop. "And just how did you manage to get up there, anyways?"

"Oh, I just climbed. The same way I got down, but the opposite movements." Allen answered.

"Not the fence. I meant how did you get on to the roof when the door was locked?" Lenalee asked, more specifically.

"Um... Well... You see... I kind of maybe, sort of picked the lock." Allen admitted, rubbing the back of his neck. "With a paperclip from a nearby classroom."

"Where did you learn how to do that?" Lenalee asked, amazed at her friend and his peculiar talent, and also wondering where he had picked up such a skill.

"Oh, I just kind of taught myself when I was younger." Allen said. Cross kept locking the doors and windows on me, so I always carried a bobby pin or paperclip or something with me to use on the old locks. And sometimes Road, Tyki, and Earl would lock me in the old gym storage shed. The locks were old, so picks worked on them. "I used to play games with the other kids, one of which was a 'Who Can Open The Lock The Fastest' game." Allen lied.

"You sure did strange things. Most kids play tag, or hide-and-seek, or grounders. You played Who Can Open The Lock The Fastest. Interesting child you were." Lenalee commented.

"Yeah, I guess so." Allen said, hoping to end this conversation quickly. He didn't like his childhood very much.

"Oh yeah, now that I think about it, your house is really far away. How are you going to get home, Allen?" Lenalee asked, "The buses have all already left."

"I was going to walk to the bus stop a few streets from here. I know the route back to my place and I have enough change. If I can't catch a bus there, or can't get a transfer, then I was going to walk back to my place." Allen said.

"Why don't you just hitch a ride with Komui and me? We're your friends, and we don't mind helping you out and driving you home. You should just ask us next time." Lenalee said.

"But I don't want to trouble you two. My house is farther away than yours is, and it will only be a bother. I can get myself home, and you don't need to worry about it." Allen said, putting on a nice smile for her.

"You're so stubborn. But I'm going to be more stubborn. You are coming with us. It is _not _a bother. We like helping you. You are our friend. Get that through your head. You can count on us and trust us, you know." Lenalee said to Allen, slightly annoyed at him for not understanding how friendship works.

"Oh, I didn't realize that. Sorry." Allen apologized. He still didn't really understand why they would be so nice to him, but he didn't want to upset Lenalee even more. "I'll go with you, if Komui says it's okay, of course. It is his car."

"Okay. He'll say yes. He can't say no to me, and there's no way he'd just leave you here." Lenalee smiled.

"I guess you're right about that." Allen admitted. He just couldn't win an argument with her, ever. "So I'm stuck with you guys?"

"You bet you are. You're stuck with us forever. You're our friend, Allen. We do actually like you and consider you a good person. We like helping you out. And you can't just walk away and leave, because we're closer than that. We aren't just random people who happened to meet each other for a one time thing. We are-"

"Lenalee! What are you saying! You wouldn't leave me, would you? You wouldn't run off and get married without telling your brother! And you haven't even had a boyfriend yet! You can't say such things to another _boy_! How could you do this to your big brother!" Komui wailed. The two hadn't noticed that they'd walked into Komui's classroom in the middle of Lenalee's friendship speech.

"W-Wait, Komui! She-She wasn't talking about stuff like that! We're only friends! Just friends! Right Lenalee? We're friends, aren't we?" Allen said, starting to panic at the overprotective brother. Allen couldn't blame him, but he wished that he wasn't on the receiving end all the time.

"That's right Allen, we _are_ friends." Lenalee gave him an 'and don't you forget it' look.

Allen understood. "Y-Yeah." he said, now stuck in between two siblings, each with their own small bone to pick with him. "So Lenalee, didn't you want to say something to Komui?"

"No, that's your question Allen." she said.

"But you said you'd talk to him!" Allen complained. Komui sat back and watched, amused by the little argument.

"I did? I don't recall. Anyways, be a man and ask the question. It's not hard, and you already know what the answer will be. You don't need to be scared or anything." Lenalee said.

She had a point, but fear and other stupid emotions don't take logic into consideration. "I can't help that! And how did you know that I was scared?" Allen accused.

"It's kind of obvious. I'm only trying to help you you know, confront your fear and all." Lenalee said.

Am I really that obvious?

"You're shaking a little, denying logic and reasonable suggestions, doing whatever you can to run away from the situation, your facial expression is a giveaway, and I can see you rubbing the sweat on your hands off on to your shirt." Lenalee said, answering Allen's internal question.

"D-Damn. Okay. Give me a bit. I need to psych myself up a little. Or maybe I can't do this after all." Allen turned and ran out of the room.

"What was that?" Komui asked.

"The buses left, so I told him to ask you for a ride home. He was going to walk back himself, for goodness sake. I told him you'd be fine with it, and I got him to agree with that, but he still can't bring himself to ask us for help when he needs it." Lenalee looked away sadly.

"Well, we don't know what caused such a fear in the first place. I think he knows that you're right about everything and that you're trying to help, but fears aren't rational. I bet he appreciates your help, but the fear is just too strong at the moment for him to be able to act upon your suggestion. If he doesn't come back in ten minutes, I'll just invite him. It's at least a start, confronting him with what he's afraid of." Komui assured Lenalee, "It's going to be a long process if you want to help him, but this is a good place to start."

"I guess you're right." Lenalee said. She knows that Komui is smart, and that he has at least a little personal experience with these sorts of things, so she can trust his judgement. If he says it will work out, Lenalee will believe him.

Allen didn't come back in the ten minutes given, so Lenalee had to go find him. She found him halfway to hyperventilating back at his locker. She convinced him to come back to Komui's room, where Komui offered the drive. Allen anxiously accepted, and the Lee siblings took him back to his house.

"Tim, I wish I could put faith in what Lenalee said. She said we're friends, and rationally thinking, I know that. But I can't make myself believe it. It's like looking through a window. You can see a nice clear day, sun shining, slow breeze ruffling the leaves in the trees, but you can't actually feel that nice weather because you're inside and on the other side of a piece of glass. I can see that we're friends, I can see the way they act, hear what they say, but I can't believe it. I can't and I don't know why. Am I scared of friendship too? It's a good thing. I shouldn't be scared of a good thing. Friendship is harmless. It's supposed to be healthy too. Although, I wouldn't really know. I haven't really had friends before these guys.

"I don't know what to do. I can't even ask an easy question when I know that I'll get a nice answer. And Lenalee saw me in the hallway earlier, trying to calm myself down from the near panic attack. Thank god that it didn't actually turn into a panic attack, but it was pretty close. At least I was calmer when she showed up. I don't think I could have asked. I can't ask for help. I'm always alone, so no one would help me. No one helped before, even when I cried for it, so I learned to be alone. Alone is my comfort zone. I can't ask people for help, even if I know they will, because it always made it worse before. I know it's not the same anymore, but I can't help it.

"Tim, it's really hard. I can't do it. I can't trust them at all. I see how it hurts Lenalee, how it disappoints Krory a little, how it makes Miranda feel more useless even though she isn't, and how Komui just understands. That's almost the worst of it all, that he understands. It's so weird. I've always gotten pity. And I hate it. But this is sympathy, or maybe empathy. I don't know! But whichever one, it's different and I don't know what to do about it! It's driving me crazy. Some day I'm going to go crazy. I know it. I just know I will. Especially if I keep thinking like this. It's making my head hurt really bad and my blood pump really hard-

"If it's hurting my veins and arteries with all the blood, I'll just have to let some out. And it'll calm me down, just like always."

Allen made his way to the bathroom. He took out his razor (he'd recently begun shaving – puberty at last - though not very often. It was mostly just to feel like he was growing up and getting taller) and stepped into the shower. He took off his pants and began slashing at his legs. He made sure that he didn't cut too deep, for fear of scars, but he didn't care too much, as he always wore pants. Long sleeved shirts with shorts would look strange.

After six slashes, Allen felt much better. The tension was gone and his head started clearing. His headache slowly disappeared too.

He couldn't help but be a little fascinated with the red liquid seeping down his legs and forming tiny puddles and swirls around his feet. For fun, he let water drip out of the showerhead, on to his feet, and mix with the blood. Now less viscous, the blood formed fancier swirling shapes.

Allen started laughing. "It's art!"

When he was done playing, he took off his shirt and underwear and washed off the blood. It was a little sad, watching it run down the drain, but he had to clean up.

That taken care of, he put bandages on his legs, just in case, and began his daily routines. Dinner, homework, bed. He felt he could deal with that tonight.

* * *

**A/N**: Thanks to anyone out there who's reading! Feel free to leave a review if you feel so inclined.

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	27. Death is Quieter

**A/N**: lots of excuses for taking so long: moving, lack of internet until a week ago, my computer charger broke (still haven't replaced it), university started (and I'm in 12 classes this semester... I'm dead serious. I'm gonna die), and I have no time. For anyone still out there, updates will probably become very unpredictable, but I'll do my best. And get a new computer charger... at some point...

Anyways, enjoy!

**Warning**: looooots of angst, swearing.

* * *

**Death is Quieter**

* * *

_May 2003_

_It was just like any other school trip. Pay the money, get into groups with a designated parent volunteer, then get on the big yellow bus to take you to god knows where. The most important thing to remember: don't sit next to someone who is likely to puke. This year has gone by without incident so far, no pukers on the other trips, but this could be the first._

_This time, the trip wasn't far. It was only a twenty minute walk away from the elementary school. However, this is an elementary school. Even though the children could easily walk, a yellow bus is required for the trip. Stupid, but hey, that's how it works._

_The trip was the annual physical education trip to the wave pool. The students leave at lunch, swim for the hour and a half wave swim, then get back to school for the end of the day. Normal trip, and nothing will happen. At least, that's what it is for normal-looking people._

_Allen tried to skip the day, but Cross didn't want him hanging around the house if he was sick, and he didn't want him in the house if he wasn't. Since the school would call if Allen hadn't shown up, Allen decided that he had to go._

_He was absolutely terrified of the day. He asked the teachers if he could sit out for the field trip, but the teachers said no. It was for his physical education, and they told him that it was worth marks to participate. If he was afraid of the water, he was allowed to stay in the shallow end. Whatever the excuse, Allen decided that the teachers and parents just didn't want to waste their time watching him._

_Allen was forced to go to the pool, and since the school didn't have any bodysuits he could borrow for the trip, he was forced to wear his regular swim shorts. What's the problem with that? Well, he's a boy. Showing his upper body isn't a problem. It's just his arm. In the pool, he can't hide it from anyone. So far, he's been able to keep it hidden from his classmates by wearing long sleeve shirts and thin gloves. He used the excuse of albinism and sensitive skin to fool the teachers. They didn't know about it because Cross wouldn't say anything._

_At the pool, Allen spent as long as he could in the change room, waiting in his stall until a parent had to come over and ask him if he was alright putting it on. Allen said he was fine and the he was already changed. When the parent asked him to come out, he swallowed, trying to contain his fear, then slowly opened the stall door while staring at the floor. At least all the students had already gone on deck._

_The parent gasped. "Come on, get your butt out there already." No longer kind, the parent pulled Allen out toward the deck, not even letting him grab the t-shirt that he'd meant to wear out with his swimsuit. He'd forgotten it in the stall in his fear of going out._

_Once dragged out to the deck, his secret was revealed to everyone. His arm was burnt, he was a freak. The parents and teachers looked down disapprovingly, and the students either stared or looked away in fear or disgust. Those who stared had glints of amusement and hatred in their eyes. Allen could tell that he'd no longer be safe here. He wanted to run away, he was afraid, but he was stuck here in this prison._

_All of the students gave him a five foot radius while he swam, or rather drifted, in the semi-deep area of the pool. The water level was just a little taller than him, so he could touch the bottom when he was in the trough of a wave._

_An hour into the swim, Allen felt the smallest bit of hope and relief. The swim was mostly done, and no one had bothered him yet. Sure, everyone avoided him and ignored him, but at least they weren't teasing him or making fun of him. Being alone is better than being mocked. They both hurt, but he didn't mind being alone too much anymore._

_The next batch of waves started, and Allen drifted up and down on the crests and troughs, pushing up right before the swell to get extra height on the wave. Just as he was jumping over the top of the next wave, he felt something grab his ankle. He was dragged into the deeper water._

_Tyki looked like he was drowning and had a tough grip on Allen's right ankle. Allen wasn't prepared, and so hadn't taken a breath before getting pulled under water. He couldn't breathe, and he had no reserves of air. He needed to swim to the surface immediately, but Tyki kept holding him down. It was starting to hurt his lungs, so he needed to get away as soon as possible. Using his little bit of adrenaline, he managed to kick Tyki's hand off of his ankle and swam to the surface a foot above._

_Allen broke the surface and swallowed some water from the splashes as he tried to breathe the air. He coughed and choked as he pushed himself to the shallow end so that he could stand. Or at least try to stand. That few second fight underwater had taken a lot of his energy. He sat at the side of the pool, choking out the water and doing his best not to give in to the nausea that he felt from swallowing the water._

_He noticed Tyki floating on a noodle in the deep end. He must have gotten out okay, somehow. And the lifeguards didn't do anything that whole time. Not for a drowning Allen (which he kind of expected), nor for a drowning Tyki. Allen figured they must be asleep up on those chairs._

_Sitting at the side of the pool was about all Allen could do for now. He just wanted to sleep. At least this trip was almost done. That meant that school was almost done too, and he could go back to Cross's house soon. Only twenty more minutes._

_Unfortunately, Allen wasn't paying any attention to his classmates. He was focusing on the ground, thinking, trying not to throw up, and waiting for the day to end. He didn't see Tyki float over to Road and Earl. He didn't see them talking to each other. He didn't see Tyki get out of the pool to be shuffled away by a parent and a lifeguard. He didn't see Earl and Road swim over to other classmates and tell them something. He didn't see this message getting passed around to all of the students._

_Allen was startled out of his thoughts when someone splashed him. Multiple people from his classes walked up to him and threw water in his face. They wouldn't let up at all, and Allen found it hard to grab a breath without choking on more water._

"_You deserve that, you freak! You're a freak and you tried to drown Tyki! Now you know what it feels like, being held down at the bottom of the pool where you can't breathe. I hope it feels horrible! You don't have to act like such a monster just because you look like one!" one student said to him as he choked on the water being thrown in his face._

_Allen felt more sick every time some pool water got in his mouth. He swallowed some water, choked up some of it, and felt more sick than before. After a few minutes, the kids were getting bored of this, and one decided to punch Allen in the stomach. Needless to say, the pool became contaminated, and the trip was ended early._

_Allen was dragged out of the pool by an angry teacher, about to get scolded for things that were beyond his control. He found out that the teachers didn't care about him one bit. Just because his arm was burnt. It wasn't fair! But nothing in life ever is. At least he didn't drown though._

* * *

_July 2009_

Allen woke up choking on air. He hated that memory. He hated that it had shown up in his dreams. He really didn't like remembering that near death experience. He had had multiple near death experiences, but that one was one of the most painful. It showed him just how much people hate him for his arm. It's not something he can do anything about, it isn't something that makes him a terrible person, right? But people hate it all the same.

"People suck. Do you agree with me, Tim? They all suck. People are judgemental and are prejudiced against anything that differs from normal. To them, I'm a freak. I'm a monster. I don't deserve any sympathy from them, or even pity most of the time. I'm an object meant for scolding. I'm their scapegoat. Everything is my fault. It always has been, it always will be, and I'm just a failure in everything. Except surviving. I've been able to do that so far, whether or not I'm sure if I like that or not.

"Most people say that surviving – living – is a good thing. I don't really see that. It doesn't make much sense to me. Then again, there are lots of things out there that most people understand that I don't. Like sex. Scientifically, I get it, it's not that hard to understand. But how is an emotional relationship supposed to develop from some physical supposedly life-changing sensation. I don't get it, and I never will. It's just another thing that makes me different. Always an outcast, the outlier, the abnormal anomaly. In short, the freak. That's all I am. A freak. That's all I'll ever be. A freak. A FUCKING GOD DAMN FREAK!"

Allen panted a little with frustration. He hated this feeling. He hated the tightness in his chest, the constriction around his heart and lungs, the absolute fear of anyone seeing or hearing him, the fear of people at all. He can't trust anyone. They all hate him. He should just die, for all anyone would care.

"I should just die. Natural selection, right Tim? Darwin was a smart man. He knew that people like me should just be killed off. We aren't wanted, we aren't successful. And why do I say 'we?' Maybe I'm the only one. This sucks, damn it! I hate being here, like this! I hate it! I don't want to be here! I don't really want to live! Right now, I do want to die! Just die! Stop existing! Kill myself! Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill, I deserve to die.

"All life must come to an end at some point, why not early? If there's a fucking God watching, he can have my wholehearted FUCK YOU for all that's happened. Maybe it's my fault that Mana died. Mana was a great man, but is all this punishment necessary? Haven't I paid my dues? Is this fair? But who said that a god was fair. I don't believe in a God, just the nastiness of the human race. That's the only way this could happen. If there was a supposedly kind deity watching, maybe my innocent child's prayers would have been answered. He doesn't exist. That's why he gets my wholehearted FUCK YOU!

"I hate this place. I hate this life. I just want to die. But that might suck too, I mean, there are some nice things about being alive. Food, warmth. Those are nice things. Maybe I can trust those people I call friends a little bit? They're nice. I like them, but I can't know if they really like me at all or not. I don't want to bother them. I'll stay away. I can't ask them for help. No way. Not a chance in imaginary hell. No one would help someone like me. I'm alone. Always alone. I will always be alone. And I want to die. When I do, it will be alone. Alone alone alone alone alone alone, always alone. That is me. I am loneliness. I am a freak. Freaks are meant to be isolated, alone, so that they can't contaminate the normal ones. Alone, always, forever.

"So why not just die? That'll make it easier. Easier for everyone. I won't have to be alive, others won't have to waste time ignoring me or hurting me, and me friends won't have to waste their time pretending to like me. They can outright hate me afterwards, and no more need for the pretend game that they've been playing all along. No more having to feel sorry for the freak. No more freak to interrupt their lives. No more Allen Walker taking up thoughts. No more me to intrude upon their favours. They won't have to deal with me anymore, and they'll be happy. I don't know what I'll be, just dead.

"You know, life and death. It's interesting. In life, things happen. Some are good things, for the most part, it's just bad things. Life sucks. In death, you don't even get the good things. Just empty and nothing. Death sucks. Life and death, they both suck, but death is quieter. Quiet is peaceful and relaxed. Things that life is not. Life is loud, and it hurts. Life sucks. I hate it, and I don't want to live anymore. I should just die.

"But it's not as easy as it sounds. With the methods I have, cutting, slicing, there isn't a guarantee that it will actually work. I remember up the road, not across the tracks. I know that it is much more effective that way, and that it's how to mostly ensure death if not found, and no one will find me. It's summer, who will be around to patch up my body before it's juices soak into the floor? Who will be here to stop my insanity before I go through with the permanent solution. I could, and it would be easy. Loblaws wouldn't even have to pay someone like me any more. My death is also beneficial to the economy! Hah! My death only brings about good things.

"So should I do it? Yes, I should. But right now I can't! I just can't! Isn't that funny? I really want to die, I could tear a line out of my arm along the artery or vein, and just cover the floor in dark red stains. But I can't! I don't know what's wrong, but it's almost like a barrier in my brain. I approach it, try to breach it, but it just saps my energy. I get close to it, and it makes me tired. Just tired, no energy, and I can't do it. I just can't.

"Isn't that pathetic, Tim? Par for the course, I suppose. I'm quite a pathetic person. I can't even keep my thoughts straight. They're all jumpy and probably contradicting each other, and it takes me until I'm out of energy to realize this. I'm so stupid! Such an idiot! Probably the world's biggest. Except for optimists, maybe. I'm a realist, I'm a cynic, and I guess because of these traits, I feel like optimists are stupid. Because they are. Life isn't all happy and sunshine and rainbows. Life sucks. People suck. Death sucks. In the end, everything sucks. In the end, the final choice, the one left solely up to the individual, is life or death. Take the lesser of two evils. Life and death, they both suck, but death is quieter. Much, much quieter..." Allen trailed off, falling back asleep.

* * *

_August 18 2009_

I hate my life. I haven't felt anything close to happy or content or even somewhat satisfied in my emotions for at least a month now. Probably longer, but I don't fell like counting that. It's been a long time, is all.

But I have a job. That orphanage that abandoned me with Cross all those years ago? They gave me a job. I'm babysitting for them while Emilia does all of the household work. They've gained several new kids, so they don't have enough staff yet. They are hiring part time for the rest of the summer. And I'm stuck with any kids who want to play outside. Right now, it's just Timothy. All the other kids are at camp, but not Timothy. He's a special case. Behaviour problems keep him from attending camps.

The funny thing is, these people almost seemed desperate to hire. A giant sign and Emilia standing on the sidewalk asking passersby. She didn't recognize me or my name, and she doesn't know me at all. Shows how much she cared in the past. No one would want a runt like me. It doesn't matter anymore, I guess. They pay well.

But it does matter. Scars don't fade. Not physical ones, not mental ones, not emotional ones, and especially not ones imposed by Cross. It's their fault for giving me to such a creep. There are supposed to be criteria for people who want to adopt children. I don't think Cross meets a single one, aside from age. How could they do that? These people are awful people.

Or maybe not so awful, I mean, it is me I'm talking about. I'm about the most useless and worthless person that anyone could have around. And on top of that, I'm small, weak, scared, and a freak. I look different. In a bad way. I hate everything, especially myself.

And now Timothy is playing alone (as usual) in his sandbox with his trucks. He's a strange one. Even if I smile and ask to play with him, he won't answer or tell me to leave. Maybe he's autistic or something? He never seems to notice my presence and is obsessed with his green truck. He named it "G" for some reason. It's pretty much the only thing that seems to matter to him. And he's what, seven? He hasn't gone to school either... Maybe that's why I get paid so well.

In any case, I just get to sit in this treehouse-type-thing and read a book while Timothy entertains himself. It's not hard. The easiest twelve bucks an hour I've ever made. But it also kinda sucks. I'm here. There's nothing to do. I'm bored,, so I end up thinking. And thinking is bad. Thinking leads to thoughts that I'd rather not be thinking because they're really depressing thoughts about how I will kill myself and why I need to do it right now and it's really hard to take. Right now, I really really want to just off myself. Really badly, right now...

So why not? I mean, Timothy won't notice. He's obsessed with his truck and oblivious to the world. The people at the orphanage didn't care when I was a kid, and they won't care now, especially since I'm older and I look the way I do. I don't matter to them. I'm just a random punk who isn't killing the kids and making their lives a little easier for cheap. I could just off myself right now, Timothy would be exactly the same for the rest of the day, me watching or not, and then they'd take my body away once I've been found dead.

The treehouse has ropes on it. I don't know why, but they have long ropes. Just the normal one-inch-thick ropes that anyone could buy at Canadian Tire or the like. And I know how to tie a noose. It'll be easy. One end is already tied to the thick branches of the tree, and the other will hold me above the ground. Just slip it around my neck and climb over the safety rail. That's all I have to do. It's really easy. Suicide is really easy. I can just do it. It's not a problem. I have to climb over a four foot safety rail that looks like a ladder around the floor, then gravity will do all of the work for me. It's just so easy.

Now to tie the noose...

And now it's on my neck. I pulled it a little tighter just to test how well it's working. And it's a thrill. The pressure on my arteries, the difficult breathing, the extra pressure in my head, it gives me such a rush. I like it. I should just do it. Right now! Yes, three steps to the rail, then three steps over. Three steps to the rail, now grab a hold of it. Right, now the first step up. Being so high, I like it. Then the second step up, I almost feel like I could just fall over right now. This is great. It's the best I've felt in a month! Now just the third step to go over...

But what if Timothy does notice something? Can I really scar a seven-year-old kid like that? I'm a terrible person, but am I _that_ terrible? To hurt a child that way? And who's to say that Emilia or someone else won't see me from a window or when they come to check on Timothy and me? They might cut me down. They have a six minute window from whenever that happens. Six minutes is how long it takes to die from strangulation. And there's no guarantee that I'd die from a neck snap. If my neck snaps. And it might not be a high enough vertebrae that snaps. I'd be screwed. Paralyzed or brain dead, I'd be unable to kill myself. This is too unsure. And I can't hurt Timothy that way, even if I don't owe the kid anything.

And all that thought took up more time. More time that I could have spent dying, damnit! Why didn't I just do it? I'm such an idiot. And now I feel even worse! I can't believe that feeling worse is possible! Damnit! I hate myself so much! I'm such an idiot! I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me! I should just die!

But then, Timothy...

But then dying...

But then Timothy... I just can't.

So I have to live in this depressing, annoying world. I'll step down from this ledge and live this crap life. I don't want to live. I really want to die. Life and death have two big differences: emotion and volume.

In death, there are no emotions. Some people may not like that, but I consider that as a blessing. Emotions are stupid. They make no sense, they get in the way, and they affect thinking processes and other things that shouldn't have anything to do with them. They are inconvenient, and I've found them to be quite terrible most of the time. I don't like having emotions at all. I want them dead, but since they can't be killed and I can, then I should die to escape them.

And to make it better, death is quiet. Life is loud, it gets in your face, and there are too many unpleasant sensations, emotional and physical. Bright lights that pain the eyes, loud noises that hurt the ears, actual physical pain from being hit, from falling, from anything. Life sucks, and maybe death will too, but death is quieter.

Yes, death is quieter.

And that's one reason to die.

For quiet.

And hopefully peace.

But I screwed up, and now I'm stuck alive. Because I care about what some random little kid thinks. Am I an idiot or what? Yes, I am. And now I have to live. I wish that I didn't, but I do. Damn! I should have died without thinking. That would have made the rest of my life much easier. Because it would have been over. And that's the best part of life, when it's finished.

Well, I guess that means that I survived another day, whatever that's worth. I can just read until the day is done. At 6, I'll pick up my $108 of pay, then go home and feel like I want to die but not be able to, the same as always. I have no energy to carry it out. I can't make up the mental effort that I need to follow through with those thoughts. I won't be able to die, so I'll live through the torture that my brain puts me through. That I put myself through. I should just cut it out, stop thinking this way, but I just can't.

Is it can't? Or won't? I mean, I feel like I have no more mental energy to stop, which is bullshit, I know, but who said that humans had to make sense? And I almost feel comfortable with this depressing feeling. It's been around long enough that I've gotten used to it. Sure, it's more intense now than ever, but if I didn't feel this way all the time, it would be strange. It would be unsettling. Unsettling is uncomfortable and uncomfortable is a feeling that no one likes.

So maybe it's won't. But I guess it's still can't because I just can't bring myself out of this, even though I must have tried in the past. I probably did, sometime before I can currently remember. Or maybe I didn't, because I must have known, even then, that I'm not worth that effort.

Even to myself.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry for all the depressing stuff, but I did warn you. Anyways, sorry again for this taking so long, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways.

Till next time,

-Shippo704

* * *

**Extra**

_August 18 2009_

"Allen! It's six o'clock! You're finished today!" Emilia called from the back porch of the orphanage building.

"Be right there, I just have to climb down!" Allen called back. He climbed down from his spot on the treehouse, after double checking that his noose was completely _un_tied. He managed to get Timothy to come with him, and made his way inside.

"Thanks for bringing Timothy in. You're a really great help around here. You may not feel like you're doing much around here, but I really appreciate you watching Timothy for me. I couldn't get nearly as much done without you here." Emilia said

"No problem. And you are paying me, so don't thank me for doing what I'm paid for." Allen said, not understanding why she would thank him for doing his job.

"Well, it isn't just that. Come with me." Emilia said, "This will take only a minute of your time."

"Okay. Where are we going?" Allen asked

"To the back wing of the orphanage." Emilia answered. She lead Allen to a long hallway full of pictures. It looked like pictures of all of the kids from the orphanage, and one from every year. Allen didn't understand why she'd brought him here, but figured that he'd find out soon enough.

"These are the pictures of every kid in the orphanage. We take a group picture every year on New Year's day, then put the picture in a frame back in this hall. It's for us old folk who've worked here a long time, we can remember the names and faces of all the children we've watched grow up here. With the exception of only one." Emilia started explaining.

"Only one exception? Why is this child an exception?" Allen asked, halfway between curious and trying to be polite.

"I'll show you." Emilia said. She lead Allen to a picture frame from 1998 and pointed at a small red-haired boy who, unlike all of the other children, wasn't smiling. He looked like this day was the worst day of his life.

"Who's this boy?" Allen asked, suddenly more anxious.

"You don't recognize him? He's Allen Walker. Funny, how you two share the same name. We don't know what happened to him. We were a little short staffed just after New Year's, and I took this boy to visit the grave of his stepfather. I had to leave to cook a quick dinner. The boy just stood there, crying and not moving, just like every other day. I figured it'd be fine since it was only a block away, but when I came back, less than an hour later, he was gone. I don't know if he ran away, got kidnapped, or if something else happened to him. He is the one boy I'll never forget. His circumstances for coming here were just so terrible, and then I left him alone, and he was gone. It's my fault, and this boy didn't deserve whatever happened to him." Emilia finished

"Oh. I'm sorry to bring up any painful memories. I'm sorry for your loss." Allen said. They never forgot about me? And they didn't abandon me and sell me to Cross? It was just the ignorance of a newbie? But they cared... I just can't understand that.

"Thanks. But I should apologize to you. I shouldn't have bothered you with something like this." Emilia said, smiling at Allen with a knowing look.

"Don't worry about it." Allen smiled back.

"You know, the reason I chose you out of everyone else who wanted this job is probably because you remind me so much of this boy, the one that I failed to help. I'm sorry if this sounds terrible to say, but it's almost like trying to make up for my past failures." Emilia admitted.

"No, it's fine. Thanks. I'm glad that I remind you of someone who was clearly special and important to you." Allen said. She knows.

"Well, I shouldn't keep you any longer. Have a nice evening, Allen." Emilia said.

"You too, Emilia. See you tomorrow." Allen replied as he walked out the front door.

Allen walked back to his house, whispering quietly to himself while thinking.

"So, they really did care. Someone did care about a piece of trash like me..."


	28. Three Days of Hell

**A/N**: Sorry it's been a bit. School and all. Thanks to mercer41 for favouriting. =) Anyways, enjoy!

**Warning**: Angst, triggers, suicidal thoughts, actions, PTSD, implied rape

* * *

**Three Days of Hell**

* * *

_August 19 2009_

"Tim, yesterday, I almost did it. Almost. I was so close. I can't believe it. I was only a couple steps away from ending my life forever! And I didn't do it! I didn't finish the job! I'm stupid! I'm pathetic! I'm a coward! I can't believe I didn't just walk off that treehouse when I had the chance! It was completely idiotic of me not to do the job. I wouldn't be pacing and freaking out right now if I'd just done it. I wouldn't be living through this hurt right now. I wouldn't be so anxious about anyone finding out. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be feeling this. I wouldn't be feeling anything and it would be much much better than this.

"But you know what, Tim? There is one good thing about all this hurt. And that's that I know I'm still alive, still real. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way. You know that feeling? That feeling where you feel like you're standing outside your body and watching it like a movie, or like you're watching your life as a video game from behind your eyes? It feels like that and I don't know if I can say I like it or not. If this isn't real, then I don't know what to think. That sort of question is for philosophers and physicists. I'm just a kid. But I don't always feel like I'm a real person. Like this is fake, and I'm just watching life happen. I'm not in control, and the lines are set. The actors just have to recite them. And I'm one of the actors. I mean, my body is. It's really weird, but at least when I hurt like this, I know that I'm me and not that actor.

"But I can't believe that I didn't just kill myself yesterday. Timothy or no Timothy, I should have just done it. Just take myself out of this life. Now that I'm not in the moment, I don't even know why I took Timothy's feelings into consideration. After I'm dead, it won't matter. They can do whatever the hell they want to me because I won't be there. And since when am I nice enough to care about some brat I don't even know. Especially at a place that abandoned me to Cross...

"Well, I guess they didn't really. I know that now. But I still dislike that place. Why should I care about it? It's just a place I stayed at for a month or so. I don't really remember much about it, probably because of the shock, and it doesn't hold any sentimental value for me.

"And now I'm just freaking out. Pacing and pacing and pacing and pacing, around and around and around and around. I've circled this room too many times. I'm sweaty and shaky and scared and I really don't know what I'm going to do. I can't even eat! My stomach is turning in knots and my shift at Loblaws starts in an hour. I need to start walking soon, because it's a twenty minute walk. And when I get there, I don't know what I'll do. Can I really act like normal in that place after yesterday? Maybe I can call in sick. No! That's irresponsible and I need money! But I really don't want to go in and I can always gamble some more. But that's more dangerous. So I have to go in. I have to and I hate it because all I want to do right now is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry it out and fall asleep holding on to Timcampy.

"But I have no choice... Just like always..."

* * *

_August 20 2009_

"I don't know how I survived yesterday. It was a horrible shift. Only five hours, so pretty short, at least. But it was terrible. I fucking screwed up banana codes! And I couldn't handle any PR or customer service. And I was really slow. And it was hard to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong when everything is wrong and I just want to cry but I don't remember how! It's like a dry well. It used to have water to share, and now it can't provide anymore. I bet I'm going to be fired for incompetence or something. It would serve me right. And probably be better for their business too. They wouldn't have the white-haired red-armed freak with the scar on his face dealing with the precious money-spenders. It would work out well for them. And being a minimum wage job, they could easily replace me. It wouldn't be hard, and they'd forget that I was ever around.

"They would all forget that I had once served a purpose."

Allen curled up in his bed and didn't leave for the rest of the day. He laid down and tried to cry out the pain, but was unsuccessful. He had no energy to move, to do anything. Everything hurt and he was tired. Eventually, he found escape in sleep. Only to escape into nightmares.

* * *

_Allen's Dream, from April 2004_

"_I heard that he does weird things at home" said a girl_

"_Weird things?" asked another girl_

"_Yeah, like adult things. Things we're never supposed to do because they're bad. Things that make Mommy and Daddy scream. And I heard that's why nobody can touch him. He's a dirty freak. And I heard from my big sister that dirty freaks are called whores. Sometimes they're called sluts." the first girl said_

"_I've heard of those! My big brother talks about stuff like that too! It doesn't make any sense and it's really gross. He's so gross!" said a third girl_

"_Yeah! I bet his favourite way is to use a pole. He will dance around it like a monkey or a circus freak. Allen's a dirty old circus freak. And he's so small with that hair and his face. And now we know he does icky gross things too. He fits right in. A circus is where a freak like him belongs. Not here with us re-spect-a-ble people." the first girl said_

"_Yeah, you're right. Allen should just go away." the other two agreed._

"_Hey look, he's over there, playing by himself, the freak. The stupid freak with no friends who does all the gross things. You think he heard us?" the first girl asked_

"_Maybe, but maybe we should tell him louder. Maybe he didn't hear us." the second girl said._

_Allen's eyes widened, then shut as he braced himself for what was about to happen._

"_You're right about that. Hey AL-LEN! What'ya doin' over there all by yourself?" The first girl called_

"_Yeah, What'ya doin'?" the others copied_

"_I bet you're planning a GREAT time tonight by yourself you nasty whore!"the first girl shouted before starting to giggle._

"_Yeah, you'll be a circus slut dancing around a pole for people! They'll throw their money at you to see you dance! And all in coins so that it hurts you more. Bruises make a freak look freakier, not that you can get much worse." called the next girl_

"_EVERYONE will pay to watch the freak dance. Go sell your body already! We don't want someone like you here! Go away before you contaminate all of us with your grossness! We don't want a slutty pole dancer in our class!" the third girl called._

_The three girls started laughing and began to walk away._

_Then one turned around._

"_You're such a freak! No one wants you here! Why don't you just go die since you're such a loser anyways!" the girl said_

"_I tried already! And I failed!" Allen shouted back._

"_Really, now? And I thought you were supposed to be smart too. I guess you can't be if you fail at something so easy!" the girl taunted._

"_You don't know anything! Just stop it! I already know I'm a failure and that I deserve to die! Why can't you just leave me alone!" Allen shouted back, wanting to cry, but unable to do it, for it would be humiliating._

"_But we can't leave you alone! We know what you've done! We know you're spoiled! We know you aren't clean anymore. We can't touch you and you don't want to be touched because touching is such a dirty act, right? Touching, feeling, moving inside, then the pain and the burst of warmth! You liked it, didn't you? You little slut." the girl shouted viciously_

"_You don't know anything! Nobody knows! Nobody knows what he did to me! Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! I don't want to hear you anymore! I don't like it! I don't like it at all! I'm not a slut! I hate you! I HATE YOU! Leave me alone!" Allen cried, tears finally falling from his eyes, remembering what had happened a few nights ago._

"_But you are a slut. You didn't stop it from happening, did you?" the girl asked, sneering at him_

"_But no one is supposed to know. I never told. He told me to never tell. I never told. You can't know. This isn't real this isn't real this isn't real this isn't real. I want to die I want to die. JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU SHITTY FEMALE BASTARDS! THERE'S NO WAY I'D EVER ENJOY AN ACT LIKE THAT! IT'S AGAINST MY NATURE! AGAINST MY SEXUALITY! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT! I would never agree to it. I would never enjoy it. Just go away..." Allen cried_

"_If you're really against sex, then why did it happen?" the girl asked_

"_I can't control it. I can't control him. I can't. I'm trapped I can't do it I can't do it. AAAAAAHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Allen screamed. The girl began to walk towards him and towered over him with an evil look. She started pulling off his clothes and telling him to lay down for her._

"_NO! GET OFF! GET AWAY! I HATE YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME! GO AWAY! GO AWAY GO AWAY GOAWAYGOAWAYGOAWAYGOAWAY!" Allen screamed. Then he blacked out._

* * *

Allen woke up, his heart pounding and sweat dripping off his face. He realized that it was a nightmare. The type of nightmare he hadn't had for a few years. He remembered every detail of that night that the... incident... happened. Allen felt sick. He ran to the bathroom to throw up, but only managed dry heaves. That's what he got for skipping on food for two days. He took a scalding shower to clean himself off. He still felt dirty afterwards.

"And I thought that I could escape in sleep. I was wrong. There is no escape from this. Nothing in this awful life. I don't want to live, but I guess I missed my chance. But I can still do it again. If I'm alive, that means that I still have another chance to die. I can do it in two days. Two days because I need to find a method, a time, and a place. Two more days. Maybe I'll get there. We'll see.

"And that nightmare was wrong. Just thinking back. That girl didn't turn around. They just attacked me with their words and walked away. She didn't turn around. She didn't know what happened. And based on what her and the other girls were saying to each other, they didn't have a clear idea of sex yet. They couldn't know exactly what had happened and still talk like that. I'm just being paranoid. No one knows. No one will ever know. No one _can_ ever know. I can't tell. Anyone. Ever. It's my burden, and a secret between me and him.

"A secret that I will take to my grave. In two days." Allen promised himself, "I hate it when my dreams are nightmares influenced by old memories and current events. My brain was that girl, telling me to die. Telling me I'm a whore. Telling me I'm a slut, a loser, a freak, a failure, that I don't deserve to live. And of course, I agree with my brain. I have to, right? If I didn't agree with my brain, then I'd be deluding myself, either as to what I'm thinking or as to what my brain is thinking because me and my brain are the same thing. A person is a bunch of chemical reactions, and thoughts are ones that occurs specifically in the synapses between neurons. Specific reactions at specific intervals create each thought that runs through my mind. That's all it is, in basics, anyways.

"Science helps me calm down. Just facts. Easy facts. Maybe next time I'll try the electron configurations of the elements in the periodic table. I can start with Hydrogen, 1s1, Helium, 1s2, etc. It's a good idea. Help me focus, help me forget.

"But until then, I'm tired. I don't want to go back to sleep. I'm afraid, but I don't want to do anything else. I'm just so sleepy. I'm – yawn – gonna go sleep now." Allen crashed on to his bed and fell asleep again, this time without any dreams.

* * *

_August 21 2009_

Allen woke up at one in the afternoon. He figured his body was sleeping so that his brain wouldn't have to deal with the depressing and suicidal thoughts running through his mind. He really didn't want to deal with them, but they wouldn't go away. He had, however, decided on a time, method and place to kill himself for real this time. He'd hang himself, same as before, but on a tree in a patch of trees behind the soccer field a half hour walk from his house. He figured that no one would find his body for a while, and by the time anyone noticed, it would already be several days, maybe even weeks, too late.

But he didn't have any rope.

But he knew where to buy some.

Allen went outside to catch the bus to take him to get rope.

He didn't expect to find Krory sitting on the same bus.

"Hello Allen!" Krory called to him, "It's been a long time! How's your summer been? We need to catch up!"

"Hi Krory. It's been fine." Allen said, no smile on his face. He didn't have the energy to act like he was normal right now. He just wanted the talking to end and to buy the rope and hang himself and be done.

"You don't sound so good. Or look so good. You sure that everything's fine? You don't look sick, but you look really bad. Want to tell me what's wrong?" Krory asked, concerned. Normally Allen hid things like this from them, so he knew that Allen must seriously be in trouble. Krory hoped that it wasn't the worst.

"No. There isn't anything to worry about. It'll all be solved tomorrow anyways." Allen replied. Krory was really worried, but couldn't say anything yet. He decided to stick with Allen as long as he could to try to get it out of him.

"So, where are you headed to?" Krory asked

"I'm going to buy some rope. I need a line to dry my clothes on while it's still warm out. Can't do that in the winter." Allen replied in a monotone. He almost seemed to not be paying attention to the conversation.

"Kinda late in the summer for that, eh?" Krory asked, "Mind if I join you?"

"Suit yourself." Allen said, ending the conversation there.

Krory followed Allen to the store, then back to the bus stop. He knew he couldn't just let his friend go home, so he dared ask another question, "Allen? You want to come walk with me? If you don't have any other plans this evening, maybe we could catch a movie or something. Just hang out. Talk and stuff."

"I guess that's okay. I don't have any other plans today." Allen replied.

"Great, let's go this way. It looks like a quiet path, and I want to talk with you." Krory said. Allen stared blankly ahead, no reaction at all.

"I want you to tell me what's wrong, Allen." Krory said once they had been walking alone for a couple of minutes. It was in a very old neighbourhood, and the paths weren't travelled very often, so they had little to fear of being overheard.

"Like I said, there is nothing wrong. In fact, right now, everything is going right." Allen replied monotonously.

"And that's worrying me, Allen." Krory said

"Why should you be worried if things are going right? That isn't logical." Allen said.

"What is worrying me is the way you're acting while you say that. It's almost as if you're seriously depressed and about to do something really stupid!" Krory told him, making Allen look into his eyes.

"Maybe you're right about depressed, but it's not a stupid idea at all." Allen said.

"_What_ isn't a stupid idea, Allen. Be specific with me." Krory said, eyes widening at his friend's comment.

"Take your best guess." Allen said.

"You can't possibly mean suicide, Allen. I really hope you don't because you mean a lot to me." Krory said, looking at his friend, eyes full of pain.

"You're a good guesser." Allen said, still not reacting.

"Allen!" Krory exclaimed. He reached over to give Allen a hug, when he got his first reaction from the boy.

"Don't touch me! Get away! I'm dirty! Leave me alone!" Allen shouted, eyes briefly filling with fear.

Emotions now back in his mind, Allen started to tear up, "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to shout at you! I'm sorry. It's a reflex. I'm sorry!" Allen apologized, refusing to let tears fall from his face.

"I guess I shouldn't have been so sudden." Krory said. He then slowly opened his arms, "Do you want a hug?"

Allen nodded and slowly let himself be comforted. Krory soon felt warm wet stain on his shirt. He wanted to ask Allen where the ideas of suicide came from, but figured it would probably be too insensitive. He just held Allen for a few minutes, letting the small boy cry himself out. He sounded like he really needed to let it out.

"I'm sorry." Allen said, "I really don't want to hurt you guys. That's why I was gonna do it when you couldn't find me, or hear from me, or stop me. I don't want you guys to hurt. I have a hard time understanding and believing in friendship as it is, I guess I can't make myself believe that you care. It's all out of habit. I'm sorry. I still want to do it, even now."

Krory was wounded by those words, but he couldn't show it. "It's fine, don't talk right now, just let it all out." Krory wanted to let it out himself, cry for his friend who felt so hopeless that he saw no other choice.

"I'm going to talk, and I want you to just listen, okay Allen?" Krory began, "I want you to know that you are loved by many people. Not a romantic love, but love all the same. It comes from me, from Miranda, from Lenalee, from Komui, and from everyone else you've met, because they all know how special you are. I can't pretend to understand what you're feeling right now, or what caused you to come to your decision, but I do understand depression and loneliness. Those two feelings are all that I felt until something happened. It was a life changing event. I became friends with you, Allen. Even if you feel like you aren't worth anything, I feel that you are worth the whole world. To me, you are what started my world. Depression can be fought, it can be defeated. I know that through experience. You are a special person, Allen, and we would all be very much lacking without you here.

"And this may be selfish of me, but I know you. I know you'll probably ignore what I'm saying in favour of your own opinions, whatever they may be. But I still want one thing. I want you to make me a promise. Promise me that you'll never kill yourself. Please? Because you are way too special a person to die." Krory asked, trying not to let the tears fall from his eyes and his breath catch in his throat as he spoke.

"I-I d-don't know. C-Can I real-really promise that wh-when I f-feel like this?" Allen asked

"You have to, or I'm not going to let you go. I'll stick by you as a friend forever, no matter what, but I know that you never break a promise. You've said so yourself. And I don't want you to die. Especially by your own hand. Promise me, Allen." Krory said

"I wish I c-could..." Allen trailed off

"All you have to do is say a few words. I know you can. And I won't tell anybody. It's just between you and me." Krory said, hoping to encourage Allen with his own promise of secrecy.

"F-Fine. I-I promise I won't kill myself! Okay! You happy now! Because now I'm trapped again! By my own stupid promise!" Allen started crying into Krory's shirt again.

"I am happy Allen, happy that you are sticking around with me, with all of us for a long time. Even if it hurts now, it will get better. That's what we're here for, to help you out. You aren't alone. Remember, you have friends." Krory said

"Yeah, friends." Allen said

"Okay. Just let it out. And when you're done, I'll take us for food. You like Subway, right?" Krory asked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"Yeah. But I don't think that's a good idea right now." Allen said, taking his face off of Krory's chest. Krory could see the pain in his gray eyes, accented by the puffy red circles around them.

"Why not?" Krory asked

"Because it's been over two days since I've eaten anything. I don't think I can stomach a sandwich at the moment." Allen admitted.

"Okay then, new plan. Let's go to Loblaws, buy lots of instant noodles, head back to my place, and eat them while we beat each other up in Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Sound like a good plan to you?" Krory asked

"Yeah, sounds like a great plan. Thanks Krory." Allen said, the barest trace of a smile gracing his lips for a second.

The two followed their plan, but Allen passed out from exhaustion soon after eating. The video games didn't happen, but Krory was okay with that. He was happy to see Allen doing a little better. Allen's three days of hell were at an end.

* * *

**A/N**: Haven't seen enough of Krory lately, hmm... Anyways, I hope you liked it and thanks for reading! Send me your thoughts! Good, bad, or whatever they may be.

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	29. Life Moves On

**A/N**: Just a brief note that I forgot to include at the end of the last chapter: Asexuality and sexual abuse and rape are not related. Asexuality is brain chemistry, same as being homosexual or bisexual or any other sexual. Sorry if that was unclear to anyone.

Also, I'm back for the holidays! Hoping to get a couple of chapters done. That'll all depend on inspiration, I suppose, but I will do my best to get at least 3 chapters out for anyone out there. =)

Thanks to LightMyBulb and Mirror Cat, .4u, Berry-Twin2, and ilanitaliaXD for favourite/following/reviewing! =)

**Warning**: swearing, angst, suicide, rape, the usual bad stuff.

* * *

**Life Moves On**

* * *

_August 2009_

It was already 2 in the afternoon, and Krory was getting a little worried. Allen had been asleep for almost 20 hours. That's much too much sleep to be considered healthy. However, there was Allen's mental state to take into consideration. Such stress on the mind from a near suicide attempt, plus everything that drove him to it. He doubted that the reasons Allen had were gone. He didn't know what they were, but Allen was a fairly logical person. He was strong. No, use present tense. Allen _is_ a logical person and he _is_ strong. Nothing small and petty would drive him to his decision. He must have something big hidden beneath all his layers of protection.

His barriers. They are his form of protection. At least one of them. Krory didn't know what else Allen might have to "protect" himself. He figured that Allen put up the barriers to keep other people out, not to keep himself in. He hoped. He really hoped that Allen didn't see himself as a monster that needed to be locked away, with no key to let himself out. But there was what Allen said yesterday, or rather, screamed. He had said not to touch him and that he was dirty. Krory didn't know what to make of that, but it did seem that his friend was carrying a heavy burden and too much guilt to handle by himself.

Allen needed to talk. Krory knew that, but he also knew Allen. What were the chances of making him talk? Allen is one damn stubborn kid. A damn stubborn kid who desperately needed to learn that he had friends and that he wasn't alone. He needed to learn what it was like to not feel loneliness, because, from the look of him, Krory suspected that that was one of Allen's problems. One that he could easily relate to, and possibly help with? If Allen would let him of course. That is a pretty big if. Allen is one very damn stubborn kid.

If only Allen would wake up soon. The two of them should talk. Well, Allen should talk at least. If not about this whole thing, then about anything. He just needed to say something. Converse, contact, learn, understand that he is a person deserving of love, friendly love. People can't live without human contact, not without emotionally destroying themselves in the process. Loneliness is not a force one can face alone, after all.

Krory wanted Allen to wake, but at the same time he didn't. After all, what better way to escape life than into dreams?

* * *

_April 2004_

"_I heard that he does weird things at home" said a girl_

"_Weird things?" asked another girl_

"_Yeah, like adult things. Things we're never supposed to do because they're bad. Things that make Mommy and Daddy scream. And I heard that's why nobody can touch him. He's a dirty freak. And I heard from my big sister that dirty freaks are called whores. Sometimes they're called sluts." the first girl said_

"_I've heard of those! My big brother talks about stuff like that too! It doesn't make any sense and it's really gross. He's so gross!" said a third girl_

"_Yeah! I bet his favourite way is to use a pole. He will dance around it like a monkey or a circus freak. Allen's a dirty old circus freak. And he's so small with that hair and his face. And now we know he does icky gross things too. He fits right in. A circus is where a freak like him belongs. Not here with us re-spect-a-ble people." the first girl said_

"_Yeah, you're right. Allen should just go away." the other two agreed._

"_Hey look, he's over there, playing by himself, the freak. The stupid freak with no friends who does all the gross things. You think he heard us?" the first girl asked_

"_Maybe, but maybe we should tell him louder. Maybe he didn't hear us." the second girl said._

_Allen's eyes widened, then shut as he braced himself for what was about to happen._

"_You're right about that. Hey AL-LEN! What'ya doin' over there all by yourself?" The first girl called_

"_Yeah, What'ya doin'?" the others copied_

"_I bet you're planning a GREAT time tonight by yourself you nasty whore!"the first girl shouted before starting to giggle._

"_Yeah, you'll be a circus slut dancing around a pole for people! They'll throw their money at you to see you dance! And all in coins so that it hurts you more. Bruises make a freak look freakier, not that you can get much worse." called the next girl_

"_EVERYONE will pay to watch the freak dance. Go sell your body already! We don't want someone like you here! Go away before you contaminate all of us with your grossness! We don't want a slutty pole dancer in our class!" the third girl called._

_The three girls started laughing and began to walk away._

* * *

_May 2004_

_The teacher walked up to Allen. "What's wrong Allen? This is a partners assignment. You can be with anyone you want. Why are you working alone?" she asked with some concern._

"_I don't get along with them. It's better to work alone so nobody feels bad." Allen answered neutrally. He couldn't tell the teacher how badly the other kids treated him. That would be tattling, and no one likes tattlers. Anyways, if the teacher really cared, she would have noticed by now._

"_I'm sure that's not true. It's been almost a full year. You have to have at least one friend, right Allen?" the teacher asked, hoping to coax him into cooperating with the other students. It was always Allen being the uncooperative one. The other students didn't seem to have much of a problem with the idea of working with him._

"_Not in this class. Not in this grade, in fact." Allen stated._

"_Oh, don't be so harsh. The other kids said that they wouldn't mind working with you at all." the teacher told him, smiling in hopes that it might help convince him._

"_They don't mind using my brain to get a good mark." Allen said. Or to get me close so that they can tease me and hurt me, he silently added. He hoped that that would be a good enough reason for the teacher._

"_Don't be silly. I can tell who did what work. If it looks like you did all the work, then I'll only give you the marks." the teacher said confidently. She smiled with the hole in his argument. Allen was almost too smart, but that meant that he could see logic and also be reasonable, almost like an adult sometimes._

_Allen really didn't want to work with the others, but he couldn't come up with any argument other than that he was severely bullied, and he couldn't ever say that. He just had to grit his teeth, suck it up, and get by with a partner. He was terrified of the other students, and didn't see why this project needed to be done in partners. He was already almost done by himself. That argument could work..._

"_But I'm already almost finished, see? I don't need a partner. At this point, he or she won't even get a chance to do the work because I'm just about done." said Allen. The teacher was an adult. She should see reason._

"_Oh, you are right. I guess that's fine then. Finish the assignment and hand it in, but make sure that you take a partner next time. You need to learn to work with other students. It will be a great help when you're older." the teacher said. She couldn't argue with his logic. He always won. Although she shouldn't have expected much less from the gifted child, she felt that she should have been able to win at least one of these arguments she had against the fifth grader._

_Recess shortly followed. Allen dreaded that time of day._

_He had only managed to take a few steps outside when he was pushed to the ground. The asphalt skinned his palms. He hissed a little in pain, but this wasn't that bad. He was used to much worse._

"_You little whore, are we not good enough for your services? Is that why you won't work for us in class?" one of the bullies sneered, "You think you're top quality, special, cheap trash? Because that's all you are. Cheap trash. Your services probably aren't even worth paying for! A little kid like you probably sucks in bed. Full on penetration is where it's at, eh?"_

_The bully and his gang laughed._

"_I'm not a whore! I don't even know what the rest of that stuff means!" Allen shouted at them. Mistake._

"_Oh, you don't know what it is? I guess we'll just have to teach you then. It'll be a learning experience. You'll be all the better for it. Start your career planning early." the bully said._

"_But I'm going to be a doctor! Or a music teacher! I don't know what this is but it doesn't sound like medicine or music!" Allen shouted at them, terrified as he struggled to get away. But they were big, and he was small._

"_I guess this could classify as anatomy, maybe even infection and bacteria and disease, depending on how much you've done before. Maybe you'll even learn about why people like it so much. That's probably important doctor training." the bully jeered_

"_But I don't want to! No! Leave me alone! Stop it! Stop! STOP! STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP! I SAID NO! STOP!" Allen screamed._

_One of the gang had picked up a pointy stick, while the bully had pulled down Allen's pants. Allen remembered a time from before when a similar situation had occurred. He had been scared of Earl, Road, and Tyki, but he was absolutely terrified of these bullies. Now that this was happening again, he could at least count his blessings that it wasn't winter anymore. This time it would be warm._

_One of them, Allen couldn't see which, then shoved the stick into his anus and started twisting it around. Allen could feel the skin, inside and outside, tearing. He could feel the blood seeping from his butt, and the urine soaking through his pants. He was deaf to the laughter of the bullies, the mocking of the children who'd gathered to watch, his own screams and tears. It was just pain and light. It hurt more than he thought it could. Cross wasn't as bad as this._

_Allen collapsed on the ground, crying into the asphalt, getting dirt in his eyes, the stick still sticking out from inside him. No one would remove it, each person who saw him decided to just let him lay there, in pain, defiled, scared, humiliated, emotionally broken in more ways than any person should have to deal with. No one offered to help, no one lent him a hand to get up, no one was there to let him cry on their shoulder, and no one thought to pull the fucking stick out of his body. The dirt just kept sticking, drying to his face, and the blood pooled on the ground around him._

_When the bell went for the students to go inside, Allen was left alone. After a little more time crying, Allen got the stick out, pulled up his pants, and made his way home, bloody and dirty. Filthy in more than one way._

_The teachers hadn't come to help him, the other students were all against him, Cross didn't, and wouldn't ever give a damn about him, and he was alone. All he had was Timcampy in this world._

_Until school called about his absence for the second half of the day. Then he'd have Tim, and Cross's fists._

* * *

_April 2004_

_He had accidentally dropped Cross's dinner when he was bringing it to Cross on the couch. It wasn't his fault though, he was tired! He couldn't sleep last night, plus there was homework, and school, and bullies, and everything else that he didn't want to deal with. But no excuse is good enough for Cross. Nothing. It never did matter. Seemingly anything was a good enough excuse for Cross to drink and beat him. He could only hope it would stop at just hitting him a few times. He had lived with this for years, it was okay. He had to do it. He had no other choice. Where would he go without Cross? He had to make Cross happy, or he'd have nowhere to live. If getting beat satisfied Cross and allowed him to live here, then he would happily take it._

_Physical pain is something that Allen had gotten used to. Bruises didn't hurt so bad anymore, and broken bones could be hidden if treated carefully. He just hated it when Cross did worse, and tonight, it looked like that might happen. It was only 6 and Cross was well into his liquor stash. He hadn't been anywhere close to sober for over an hour now, and he was still drinking. The cigarettes probably didn't make it better either._

_When Cross heard the crash on the floor, he was up and moving as if he wasn't impaired by unreasonable amounts of alcohol. Allen could smell his approach, and he was paralyzed with fear before Cross was even in the room._

"_My room. Wait." were the only words Cross had given Allen. And that was all Allen needed. He knew how much worse it would be if he didn't listen, so he forced his muscles to move and made his way up to Cross's bedroom._

_He waited, still as a statue, filled with fear from the anticipation of what was to come. He could only hope that Cross would make quick work so that he could go to bed, sleep, and hopefully forget that all of this had happened._

_When the door flew open and smacked against the wall, Allen almost fainted. The blood left his face, and he grew cold. He started sweating and tried to scream, but couldn't make a noise. He didn't move._

_Quickly, Cross had pinned him face first on to the floor. He hardly noticed his clothing being torn off his body. He was just so afraid, all he saw was the blurry carpet on the floor. Suddenly his butt tore. He tried to scream, but was immediately gagged by a pillow. The tearing continued as the drunken Cross shoved himself inside, repeatedly. In the pleasure, he hit Allen's back, pounded it with bruises on top of the old ones from the previous week._

_Allen couldn't feel his body anymore. He wasn't in his body. He was watching, floating outside. He couldn't speak, couldn't stop Cross, all he could do was watch as Cross took his body as he pleased. He wished that he could pass out, stop watching, but he couldn't. It was watch, or go back and live through it. At least this way, it felt like a dream. Just another nightmare that he could wake up from._

_Except that he couldn't. Eventually, Cross stopped and passed out in his own bed. Allen's body lay there, while Allen tried to carefully sneak back into his body so that he could crawl out of there. He left as silently as possible and ran himself a bath. He didn't trust himself to stand, and he figured Cross wouldn't be able to hear him run the water in his current state._

_Allen did his best to clean himself off, but in the end it just wasn't enough. He still had the dirty feeling inside him, invading him, filling him, overcoming him. Nothing could get it out._

_But it was okay. He could still live here. It wasn't as if this had never happened before._

* * *

_December 25 2000_

_It was his birthday. His seventh birthday. It was a special day and Mr. Cross was just ignoring him. Allen wasn't happy. It was almost night time and he hadn't received a "Merry Christmas" from Mr. Cross, much less a "Happy Birthday."_

_Allen decided that he should just ask Mr. Cross if he remembered about his birthday. It was okay if Mr. Cross had forgotten, Allen just wanted a little attention. Allen walked up to Cross's bedroom door and knocked quietly. He had his pyjamas on already, and just wanted a little acknowledgement of his existence today._

_Cross got up to the door, and was angry by the time he'd opened it. Unfortunately, Allen was on the other side to take the wrath._

"_I'm sorry Mr. Cross, I just wanted to say good night to you." Allen said innocently. He was scared now because Mr. Cross looked scary and smelled like alcohol. Allen had learned that smell quite quickly living here, and could sometimes tell apart which type of alcohol Mr. Cross was drinking._

"_Come in kid, I'm gonna give a birthday present." Cross said gruffly, still angry that his silence was interrupted._

"_Really Mr. Cross? I get a birthday present?" Allen asked hopefully._

"_Yeah, it's your birthday isn't it? Come here and get on the bed." Cross said._

"_Okay." Allen agreed. He eagerly climbed up on the bed._

"_Now take off your clothes." Cross said._

"_Why? Am I getting new Pjs for my birthday?" Allen asked, taking his shirt off at the same time._

"_You'll be getting something new to wear alright. Just go faster!" Cross shouted as he ripped off the Allen's bottoms. "And _never_ forget to call me Master."_

"_Master?" Allen asked, now scared, "What are you doing Master?"_

"_It's all right. In fact, it's better than all right. You are going to be just great." Cross said, his voice husky._

"_Allen couldn't take any comfort from his master's words. He was scared. This all felt wrong, but he didn't know what was going on. Suddenly his rear exploded in pain. He screamed._

"_AAAAAAAAEEEEEEEHHH! STOP IT MASTER! I DON'T LIKE IT! I DON'T WANT THIS! THIS ISN'T A BIRTHDAY PRESENT! DON'T HURT ME! NO! STOP! STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!" Allen screamed._

_He lost his virginity for his seventh birthday, and learned the ways of adults._

_Some may say that he had matured, but it was more like he had been broken._

* * *

_August 2009_

Allen woke in sweat with a scream. He glanced at the clock, 2:15, before running to the bathroom to scrub the memories/dreams off of his skin.

"Allen? Are you okay?" Krory inquired

"Fine. Shower." Allen answered. He didn't want to speak at all, but he managed to give Krory two words. He ran into the bathroom, took a bar of soap, and turned the heat up to the maximum. It burned, but that's what he wanted. Burn the filth off. Scrub the filth off. Scratch the filth off. Bleed the filth out. He scrubbed and scratched the soap into his skin until he was bleeding and the bar was gone. He stayed in the shower, burning his skin until the hot water turned cold. He left the shower and dried himself off. He tried to come up with some way to explain this to Krory, but came up with nothing.

When he left the bathroom, pink-skinned, covered in scratches, and steam flowing around him, Krory couldn't help but be a little bit concerned.

"Allen, what happened? You screamed then bolted in here. You've been showering for an hour. Can you tell me what's wrong?" Krory asked. He wanted to give Allen a hug, some comfort, but the younger boy looked like touch was the last thing in the world that he wanted.

"Nothing really. Just normal stuff." Allen replied. He still didn't really feel like talking.

"I can hardly believe that. Why are you covered in scratches and what looks like burns? You were fine last night. What did you do to yourself?" Krory asked, very concerned for his friend's well-being. Just because he'd promised he wouldn't attempt suicide, didn't mean that he wouldn't continue with self-injury.

"I was cleaning myself thoroughly, though I think I missed a few spots." Allen stated. It wasn't a lie.

"How hot did you have the water? It looks like you were cooking yourself under the summer sun." Krory asked

"I turned it up to max. I like hot showers. The heat will kill any germs and bacteria, as well as viruses. The higher heat also allows any dirt to be dissolved more easily into the water." Allen responded. Once again, a scientific and logical answer for a completely emotional decision.

"That doesn't explain the scratches and the blood." Krory pointed out, staring at Allen with some suspicion.

"You hadn't asked. I scrubbed as hard as I could and used my nails to scratch off the dead and dry skin. It's healthier that way." Allen replied.

Krory couldn't argue with Allen's logic. The kid had had far too much practice with the evasive logic in the past. It made lying easier.

"Still, you woke up screaming. What was that about?" Krory asked.

"Like I said before, nothing new." Allen answered

"Which means it's happened before." Krory stated

"All the time." Allen replied.

"And it's a problem.

"No."

"How can it _not_ be a problem?"

"Because I can deal with it."

"That doesn't mean it's not a problem."

"Yes it is, because I know what I'm doing."

"Now you're just being stubborn."

"Then give me a reason not to be."

"Because I'm your friend and I can _help_ you when you need it!"

Allen flinched a little at the statement.

"Well what if I'm not quite ready." he said quietly, "What if I have a hard time trusting people, especially when they say that they're my friends? What if it hurts to talk? What if I am actually protecting myself? What if I'm actually taking your feelings into consideration by not telling you? What if I am protecting you as much as I'm protecting me?"

"I get all of that, except for the last two things you said. You don't need to worry about us at all. We haven't experienced what you have, at least I don't think we have, so we can't relate very easily. That means it can't really hurt us. But we can relate to the feeling of being left alone, not knowing or understanding anything when you are clearly hurting. We care about you, so to see you hurt hurts us too. Because we know that something is wrong and can't do anything about it." Krory finished.

"I still don't want to talk." Allen said.

"Fine, you don't have to. Right now at least. I can't really understand what you feel because I'm not you. I have heard that what you were going to do, it's basically a trauma that you go through right before you actually do it. I know people who have gone through trauma need a little time to think on it, to settle it themselves before trying to communicate about it. I'll let you be for now, but we will talk about this some day." Krory said.

"I guess that'll be okay? I don't really have a choice, do I?" Allen sighed, "Not since the best option was taken from me yesterday."

"I would also ask you to please not speak like that. It only shows that you need help more, you know." Krory said, concerned.

"Yeah, well I don't break promises, so don't worry." Allen said, defeated, "Now will you let me go?"

"Not until we've at least had lunch. And those video games that you promised me yesterday. You fell asleep and I was so sad! Well, you looked like you needed it. Come on, let's start up the Wii." Krory said, trying to distract Allen now.

As they started playing brawl, Allen started thinking.

At least I don't have to tell him yet. I don't know what I'm going to say when he does make me talk about it though. What do I say? I'm a pathetic loser with no family, no reason to live, trust issues, anxiety, depression, oh yeah, and my "foster parent" raped me a whole bunch of times, and beat just because he thought it was fun? Yeah, maybe I should just keep living, you know, because I enjoy getting hurt so much.

I don't know how to tell him! I don't want to tell him! He doesn't need to worry about my business. I can't kill myself anymore, so I'm going to have to either come up with some way to accidentally die (though accidentally-on-purpose death might count as suicide in his books) or learn to live with the constant pain in my heart, my chest, my brain, my muscles, everything. I just don't want to think anymore. I'm supposed to be smart. Thinking is something I'm supposed to be good at. But if I'm not going to do the one thing I'm supposedly good at, why am I living? I don't know, that's why I should die.

And I don't think that Krory has the right to take that option from me. A life should belong to the one that lives it, and any choice that one makes should be acceptable to those around him or her. Even if the choice is to get rid of that life. But I'm stuck now, whether or not I agree to it. I wish I wasn't trapped again, but it looks like that's the way it's going to be. Through bad and worse, I'm stuck here. And life will just move on.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry it took so long to post this (school sucksssss)(actually it's awesome, just a heavy workload), but I hope you enjoyed it. =) Always open to comments and/or criticisms.

Till next time

-Shippo704


	30. Just Another Boring Day

**A/N**: So I totally didn't have most of this done a couple weeks ago and just forgot to finish it...

**Warning**: FLUFF, angst, swearing, SI

* * *

**Just Another Boring Day**

* * *

_September 2009_

Allen groaned as his alarm clock went off. The first day of eleventh grade. Great. Another day of another week of another month of another year of his too long life spent alive. And he had to wake up early for it. Just great.

He tried to ignore his clock, but it just wouldn't stop. Makes sense. Machines don't sympathize with human emotions, after all.

Allen got up and shut off the annoying clock. Just another boring day. He went downstairs and ate breakfast. Just another boring day. He put the dishes away and packed his bag. Just another boring day. Then he left the house to get the bus for school. Just another very boring day. A boring day that he wished he didn't have to experience.

On top of all that, his anxiety was higher than it had ever been. He hoped Krory hadn't told anyone else about August. And he hoped that Krory wouldn't try to talk to him. He didn't feel like talking, like explaining, or like being in contact with anyone at all, especially people who felt concern. That meant they paid attention to him and that they... dare he think it... cared about him. Not possible. That thought could just be shot down. Lucky thought...

After that 40 minute ride, the bus arrived at school. Allen was absolutely terrified. He almost couldn't walk. He knew he had to get off the bus. If not, someone would notice. Someone would notice him, pay attention, know that he wasn't normal, look at him. Then they would mock him, bully him, hurt him. Or they would try to be nice, help him, comfort him. He didn't know which was worse. The outright hurting him and bullying him, or the false comfort that would soon be taken from him once those people realized that he wasn't normal. Both would hurt. That is why he had to get off the bus, walk into school, and act like everything was normal, like he was normal, like he was actually a happy person and didn't want to die. That's what his mask is for.

Allen got off the bus and went to his new locker. The locker in the grade 11 hall. It felt weird, saying that he had a locker there. Having a locker in that hall, it's almost like a rite of passage. Just being in that hallway and knowing that he belonged there, that he was part of a group called "Grade 11," it felt weird.

"Hello Allen!" Lenalee said, breaking Allen from his thoughts.

"Oh, hello Lenalee. How is everything?" Allen asked, putting up his smile.

"Oh everything is great. It's the first day of school, and of my tenth grade year. I'm happy, because last year was very fun, and I bet that this year will be even better." Lenalee replied, "Did you have a good summer?"

"It was pretty uneventful. I worked, killed time, and I saw Krory once. Not much happened really. How was your summer?" Allen asked.

"Oh it was fantastic! Except for the part where I was working. I hung out with Miranda and Komui a lot. It was a lot of fun. Miranda and I went shopping, and talked, and went swimming, and had sleep overs, and we had so much fun together! It's really fortunate that we live near each other. When I wasn't with Miranda, I was with my brother. We talked, watched movies, he taught me some science stuff, we visited the museum, and we enjoyed each others company. It was really great. I enjoyed the summer break quite a lot." Lenalee answered, speaking very quickly.

"That's great to hear Lenal-" Allen was cut off as he got hug-tackled from behind. "Get off of me, Krory!" he said sternly, as he tried to toss Krory off of his back.

"Good to see you're so lively this morning, Allen! I'm really glad to see you. You don't know how glad." Krory said.

"It's been all of two weeks. Only two weeks. It's no big deal." Allen said

"Still, it was one of the longest two weeks of my life. I missed you so much!" Krory cried

"Fine, fine. You missed me. Now get off before people start thinking the wrong thing." Allen said.

"Okay. Oh, Lenalee! I missed you too! How was your summer. I didn't see you at all. Was it fun? Did you have a good time? What happened?" Krory asked quickly.

Lenalee went on to tell her story of her summer to Krory, and Allen returned to his thoughts.

At least Lenalee hasn't noticed anything off about me. That's good. It means that my mask is still functional. It's working, so she can ignore me and live her happy life, ignorant of the pain that I feel. I'm truly glad for her. And Krory hasn't talked to me yet either. He said he'd give me time, which is good. It means that I have time to come up with ways to get around talking to him. He really didn't want to deal with stuff like that right now. Or ever. It would be better if Krory could forget about it all, but he knew that that would never happen. He was never that lucky.

Allen looked at his schedule. It was Math, Peer Tutoring, Chemistry, and English. A heavy schedule, but it's what he'd signed up for. Maybe a heavy semester would keep his mind off of things. At least, he hoped that that would happen. He didn't know for sure, but he hoped that it would at least help. Anything, even a bit of stress from homework, would be better than thinking. Right? He couldn't think of much worse.

The bell rang.

"Time for class guys." Allen said, "See you at lunch." He walked to Math. Room 232. His feet carried him along the familiar path, even if he wasn't paying much attention to anything around him.

* * *

Lunch came quickly enough. Only 2 hours and 40 minutes of classes, then food. Food was the beset part of any day. And gods, Allen was hungry. It had been over 3 hours since he'd eaten breakfast! How did these people in the school board office expect teenagers to survive without food for such a long period of time. It was awful. Almost as bad as Peer Tutoring. He had to find a teacher, talk to them, and ask them if they wanted someone to help out in that class every day for the semester. Not much of a problem, except for the part where he had to talk to the teacher. Talking. To another person. A person of authority. It was too much for him to deal with. And he only had a week to find a class to Peer Tutor. Only a week to calm his anxieties and ask for permission to watch a class. It was terrifying to think about.

But right now was lunch. Lunch means food. Not thinking. Definitely not thinking. Just food. He could deal with food.

"Hey Allen!" Lenalee called.

Oh yeah, friends. I forgot about them. I hope I can deal with them at the moment. At the worst, I can just use the bathroom as an excuse to leave. Or questions for the teachers. Something. They won't question it.

"Hello, Lenalee. How was your morning?" Allen asked, smiling.

"I enjoyed it very much. I had English and Science first. Both heavy subjects, I'm sure you know that. I mean, you took them both last year. This semester is going to be tough, but I can handle it. After all, my brother teaches Science, and did really well in high school, so I'll at least be fine in the one subject. This year is going to be a good one, I can feel it." Lenalee said, smiling widely. "How was your morning?"

"Oh, it was pretty boring. Math and Peer Tutoring, but Peer Tutoring is just a spare for now. I need to find a teacher to Peer Tutor for. I can't think of which class or subject I want to help with though, just not English. And I only have until next week to find a placement." Allen answered.

"Well why don't you just help Komui? I'm sure he'd love your help in his grade 9 or 10 class, if he has one that period. And you did pretty well in Science the last two years, right? I'm sure you'd be great in that class, and you know Komui well. It'd be perfect." Lenalee supplied

Maybe. I mean, I know Komui. It would be easier to talk to him, I guess, but that would be too easy, right? Maybe I should take advantage of this, be a coward, and just ask him. He'd probably be fine with me, I mean, he didn't turn away before... but...

"Well, I don't know if I want to do Science. And I don't want to take advantage of Komui either. I have a week, after all. I'll sit on it, and see how I feel about all this in a couple of days. It's only the first day of school, after all. It's a stressful day, getting back into classes and all, and not just for us. For teachers too. I'll think about it, and start asking in a few days, once I've decided what to do." Allen answered.

"That makes sense. You're thinking about this quite a lot, aren't you. Well, that's good planning, and probably a good choice. If you know what you want, you'll do a much better job. And it's good to know what you're getting into before you start." said Lenalee.

"Yeah. That's pretty much what I was thinking." said Allen. _I'm such a liar and a coward._

With the brief break in conversation, Allen took advantage and began devouring his food. Anything to not have to talk about his problems. They shouldn't have to worry about him. His problems aren't important. The rest of lunch passed without incidence. His final two classes, Chemistry and English, passed by quickly enough as well. Just another 2 hours and 40 minutes of his life. Home time couldn't come quickly enough.

It wasn't so much that Allen liked going home, it was just that he didn't feel like dealing with school anymore. He didn't want to see his friends. Especially not Krory. It was really hard to face them after what (almost) happened in the summer. It was kind of shameful. Just because he knew how they all felt. He didn't think it was wrong, he just felt guilty because he knew how they all felt. He knew it, and that's what hurt. He knew that they cared, but he just couldn't accept it. Being home alone meant that he wouldn't have to deal with all the mental conflict that the others provided. It was a nice relief, even if it meant that the loneliness would sink in. That didn't matter though, he could deal with it.

* * *

Why did he think that he could deal with it? Because he'd done it before? Because he was still a naive child? Maybe, but just because all of that is true didn't mean that it didn't hurt to be alone again. Being alone meant that there were no distractions to stop him from thinking about everything that he wanted to keep out of his mind.

"_You're a freak! Get away!"_

"_Why don't you just go die already?"_

"_Why are you so useless?"_

"_What's wrong with you? You're so stupid!"_

"_You can't be normal with a face like that!"_

"_White hair is for old geezers! You must be stupid to have failed so much that you got old enough to turn your hair white!"_

"_Fuck off you creepy gay whore!"_

"_Don't breathe your nasty air over here."_

"_Why are you so scared? We aren't gonna hurt you."_

He hated remembering the taunts that he received all the time. Maybe they were just words, maybe they weren't so bad on their own, but it adds up. 1+1=2. Add another one and you get three. Keep adding one to the total and you'll eventually get a large number. It can keep counting up infinitely. Each word get bigger and heavier until the one carrying them is crushed. The weight gets too large.

But it isn't like anything can be done. It's just something that he'll have to live with, to carry alone. No matter what, he'll have to do it alone. Absolutely never relying on them. If he can't do it by himself, then he can't live. If he can't handle something as small as a few insults from the past, then he won't be able to handle the rest of his life. Growing up just means that it all gets harder, right? That means that everything he can't handle now will get worse. So then why doesn't he just give up now?

That's a very good question. Why doesn't he just give up now? He doesn't have to stick around for homework or anything. Not this early in the year. And it's not like he has any obligations to the teachers yet. And he won't have to look for a teacher for Peer Tutoring. It would be easier. Giving up would be much easier.

But he had made a promise. Damn promises. Since he doesn't break them, he can't just give up. If only he hadn't made it. He wished he hadn't made it. Dying would be much easier. But there was not choice, not back then. Krory said that he wouldn't leave him alone until he'd promised that he wouldn't kill himself. That's right, he only promised that he wouldn't kill himself... He hadn't promised anything about harming himself to relieve the stress. As long as it isn't lethal, it's okay...

Allen got himself up and retrieved his blade from his room. He rolled up his pant legs and placed the steel against his skin. The best part is the anticipation. The fluttering in his stomach as he waited to give himself to the pain. Allen giggled a little just thinking about it. The smile on his face was wide, his eyes stretched open, his hand trembling in the excitement. He wanted to rip open his skin, to hurt, to let the blood flow out of his legs and take the black in his heart out with it. The dark liquid carries his life energy, his positivity. Since there must be a balance to everything, the liquid must also carry his negativity. Losing a little positivity is worth it to get the negativity out. Anything to get the dark energy out.

Allen ripped his skin open. Then he did it again. And again. And again. And he kept going. He just kept tearing his leg apart until it was a big red mess. Then he switched to the other leg. The white flesh looked so bare without any colour on it. His smile grew wider as he lowered the blade toward his smooth and untouched limb. The red lines started decorating it, and making it look pretty. Red and white, Canadian colours, a nice combination. He's only being patriotic.

In all the excitement, Allen noticed his head starting to spin. All the positive emotions he felt when he was slicing must have made him dizzy. Too much of a good thing can throw you off balance. That's what he figured. Allen decided to stop and wrap his wounds. He couldn't let all of his blood spill out now. That would make this lethal, and he would end up breaking his promise. He had to hold back for now. And he'd have to clean up the bit of blood that stained the carpet. That would certainly be a tough task, but it wasn't like he didn't have the time to clean it, or anyone else to complain about it for now. Cross probably wouldn't be back anytime soon, or ever at all. It's not like Cross to stick to his responsibilities.

He walked to the bathroom where he kept his first aid kit. He had plenty of gauze. After washing and cleaning the cuts, he wrapped it up tightly so that it wouldn't bleed any longer. After all, the less he bled, the more he could indulge in such activities. Since it was his legs that he'd injured, treating them was fairly easy. He had two hands to work with, after all. He was able to patch himself up quickly and finish his work with little effort. He put his materials away and went to get his cleaning supplies to clean up the stain in his room.

It was a small stain, at least. He used some stain remover on the carpet, then brought out his carpet cleaning liquid and cleaning brush. Allen got down on to his knees and started scrubbing. Ten minutes into scrubbing, Allen noticed a small ache in the back of his legs. He figured the adrenaline was wearing off. No wonder he could feel it now. Allen just kept scrubbing until the stain was gone. In fact, the spot on the carpet looked cleaner than the rest of the carpet. Oh well, it would become the same colour as the rest of the floor soon enough. And it isn't like anyone else would be around to see it, much less complain about it, or try to make him explain it and talk about it. He is perfectly safe.

Allen tried to stand up. His legs burned, and he had to kneel again. He felt really stupid.

Why did I slice up _both_ of my legs? Well, they had to match... Why did I slice them _that_ much? Well, I wanted to get all the bad stuff out... Why did I not think this through before I did it? Because it hurt. Because I'm stupid. Because I'm pathetic and weak and useless and I can't do anything to help myself except hurt myself, and that seems kind of counter-productive. I'm such an idiot! Why must I always screw up so much? I just want to get it all out, but I can't get it all out until I've let all my blood out and that would kill me and I can't do that because I made a promise and I don't break promises ever so I can't even make it go away! I'm just so stupid and useless!

I'm just a freak like everyone used to say... I can't even help myself to feel better. I can't even feel halfway close to good by myself. I'm worse than a little kid. Little kids have no problem being happy, but I can't do it if I try. I'm not even up to the standards of a four year old.

Allen's eyes burned, and he felt his cheeks grow wet as he knelt there. He fell to the ground and sobbed. Crying helped to get it out. Not all of it, but it released some of the pressure. Water is also a liquid, he supposed that letting out water and letting out blood weren't so different at all.

After a little time, Allen tried to stand up again. It was difficult, but he made his way to the kitchen and made himself a few sandwiches. They're quick to make, and he could sit to eat. As long as he isn't standing. His legs were throbbing, and he didn't want to get up again, but he knew he had to. He could at least put that off as long as possible by eating. And eating slowly. That's even better.

After food, Allen decided that bed would be a good idea. Sleeping helps a lot, and the blood loss made him tired. He just wanted to collapse and never wake up. That would be nice. Not waking up. Dying without suicide. That would be perfect. Not living and not breaking a promise. That would be beautiful. It would be the greatest part of his life... kind of. Well, he wouldn't be able to feel how great it is, since he'd be dead, but at least he wouldn't have to live with the torment that his mind brings upon him every day. Anything to not feel all of that pain. Anything to not hurt as bad as that.

Was it really wrong to want to die? To each his own. His own life. Each should have his own choice in that life, even if the choice is to end it. That makes sense, right? Then why do people always try to stop others from killing themselves. Each person who tries has his or her own reasons for doing so. Each of those people does not want to live. Who has the right to stop them? Krory apparently. I know he's looking out for me, I think. Or maybe he's being selfish? Or maybe both? Or maybe he just wants to feel good for doing what he thinks is a good deed to help another person. Maybe that's it. He can't possibly care for me. I can't think that way. Thinking that way is dangerous. I'll feel good for a while, then it will come back and hurt me more when I learn that it was all a lie. That it all meant nothing and that I'm just as easily dismissible as I've always been. I'm not really worth anything. Not to others, and not to myself either. I wish that I could just die. That would be nice. But I guess I'd miss Lenalee and Komui and Miranda and Krory. It would be sad to say goodbye, but that's going to happen someday anyways. Why does it matter when? And Tim. Saying goodbye to Tim would probably be the hardest thing I'll ever ever do. Because Tim is my best and longest friend. He doesn't judge me. He just listens, and that's sometimes all I need. Just someone to listen unconditionally. I bet it would feel really good.

With those thoughts, Allen let himself fall into a deep sleep. An exhausting end to just another "boring" day.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry that it took a while. I hope you enjoyed! I also apologize for the shortness... No excuses. Anyways, drop a comment and let me know what you thought, if you feel like it. I'm always open. =)

Till next time,

-Shippo704


	31. To Each His Own

**A/N**: Sorry it's been so long. Exams are done now, and I just have prac left. Then summer and all the minimum wage work that comes with it. =)

**Warning**: Language, religious opinions that may go against your own, angst.

* * *

**To Each His Own**

* * *

_September 2009_

"Attention to all students taking Peer Tutoring this semester. Please come to room 142 at lunch for a meeting. That's all Peer Tutors to room 142 at lunch. Thank you." a student announced over the intercom.

Crap. A meeting. And I haven't even picked a class to Peer Tutor for yet! It's only the second day of classes! What am I going to do? This is going to be awful. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Why a meeting now. I'm going to be in in some really deep trouble come 12:35. I don't even know where to begin thinking about all of this. I'm just scared.

"So Allen, what do you think that meeting at lunch is going to be all about?" Krory asked.

"Not now Krory, we're in class." Allen replied.

"Yes, but we aren't doing anything right now, just practice and review work. Totally independent working time. That's why we can talk." Krory said

"That makes no sense. Shut up, I'll tell you about it later, _after_ I go and find out what it's all about." Allen whispered. He hoped that they wouldn't get caught talking, despite the volume of the other chatting students. He didn't want any more trouble today than he already had. Just the thought of the meaning was enough to put him on edge. Along with the throbbing in his legs after last night's happenings, this just wasn't Allen's day at all.

"You'd better. I'll make you keep your word." Krory smiled, then went back to his work.

The rest of the class passed quickly enough, or at least as quickly as class goes when one is doing homework.

Yes Krory, you'll make me keep my word. You made me make a fucking promise! Fuck! Damn it! I don't want to go on living here! This is all just hell for me. Even if it's not as bad now as it was a few weeks ago, it still sucks. It's not like it goes away. Ever. It's always there in the back of my mind. When I'm doing homework or some other meaningless, mundane, and boring task, it just sits there. It sits and it stares at me from the back of my brain. When I'm not looking, it creeps nearer and nearer until it's stalking me closely. I can feel the chills it gives me, and I can feel the fear it leaves behind as it disappears when I turn to look. I turn back slowly to see it haunting my peripheral vision, waiting once again to strike. It's a demon. A demon that I own.

My own demon. I bet everyone has one. To each his own, the saying goes. This one belongs to me and me alone, so I should be the only one to deal with it. I have always been alone, I will always be alone, and I will deal with this alone. It's just me, alone. So why does someone else have the right to make me promise that I won't deal with it the way that I see best. It's my demon. It's my life. Why the hell can't I do with it what I want? Deal with it the way I want to deal with it? Choose what I want to choose?

Maybe I wasn't totally in my right mind that day. Actually, I know that I wasn't. If I was, I wouldn't have promised. I would have fought harder. I would not have given in to his kindness and caring. I would have shut up and just kept going on the way I was and doing everything by myself. That's the way I work. I would not have had my hand forced, and I would not have had to make that promise. I feel like it's against my rights as a person to have this freedom taken. Free speech, but no free life? People like to talk about the fights for freedom in history class, and yeah, it's great and all that, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a freedom for an individual. The individual's freedom is always sacrificed for the whole. And while our country fought for and won our freedom, I still can't live the way I want to, even though it could easily be obtained. It's not like it costs money (aside from the rope), and it's not like I'm really hurting anyone (apart from myself, but I don't count. Besides, it's not really hurting me if I want it, right?), so why can't I make that choice? Because I was stupid and I made a fucking promise not to, that's why.

Almighty God up there that I don't believe in? You listening you bastard? Why did you let this happen? Is it because I don't believe in you? If it is, this isn't going to make me believe in you more. In fact, it's the opposite, you hypocrite. Love God and he will love you back? I used to believe that, until I grew a brain and grew up.

Why does this life have to suck so much? Why can't it just end?

The bell went, signalling the beginning of lunch.

I guess it might just end now.

The pit of anxiety in Allen's stomach swelled as he thought of the Peer Tutoring meeting that he was about to attend. The meeting where he would probably have to admit that he hadn't found a teacher yet and didn't know what he was going to do about the course. Maybe he could just switch? If they are going to fail him for not having found anything to do, that might be the beset option. No fails on his transcript. None at all. He would not stand for that. Maybe second period gym has a spot...? But then my arm...

Allen hadn't noticed that he'd already arrived at the room. When he looked up from his thoughts, his fear skyrocketed, his heart raced faster and harder, and his vision darkened slightly. This was not the place for a panic attack. It was all he could do to stand in the line leading up to the desk where the teacher in charge of the course was sitting. He had even failed to read the sign.

"And your name is?" she asked

"A-A-Allen W-Walker." Allen said

"Good. You don't have a class to monitor yet, do you?" she asked

"H-How did you know?" Allen stuttered

"The sign. This is the line for the students who haven't found a teacher yet." she explained. The line contained just about all of the students in the room. He wasn't alone.

"Oh. Um, no I don't have a teacher yet." Allen said

"Okay then, what are your strongest subjects? Or subjects that you wouldn't mind observing as part of this class? If you were a teacher, what would you like to teach?" she asked.

"Um, Mathematics or Science, probably. I also did quite well in Music, I suppose." Allen answered.

"Okay, and what period is your spare?" she asked

"It's in period 2." Allen replied.

"Okay, well, we have a grade ten applied math class and a grade nine academic science class during this period. Unfortunately, the music teacher has a spare at this time as well, so you won't be able to teach in that class." she said

"Oh, that's okay." Allen said. He really didn't know what else to say.

"If you decide which one you want, you can talk to Miss Mizuyabu about her Math class, or Mr. Lee about his Science class. It's your choice. Just make a decision by next week and let me know which teacher and subject you've chosen. If you've decided on a different subject, then that's alright as well." she said

"Okay. Th-Thank you." Allen said. He walked over to a desk and sat down. This was supposed to be a meeting, and he figured that it would start shortly.

He was right. Not even five minutes later and the teacher stood up and began explaining the course.

"Alright students. In this course, GPP3O, more commonly known as Peer Tutoring, you will be sitting in on a grade nine or ten class every day for the semester. You are expected to help out the teacher with whatever he or she needs help with.

"There are weekly log sheets available online through the desire2learn website. You are to complete one per week, have it signed by your host teacher, then submit it to me at these weekly meetings. These sheets will be graded based on the length and quality of your answers. I expect each log to be approximately one page in length. Typed, preferably, although handwritten is acceptable. Each sheet is divided into five categories. You are expected to fill in something in each category every week. I should hope that whatever you decide to write in each category is thought out and written to the best of your abilities.

"This course has no final exam. Instead, there is a summative worth thirty percent of your mark. A summative is supposed to take everything that you've learned in the course and condense it into a single project, or take the knowledge and apply it to real life. Those of you in this course may consider becoming teachers in the future, and since education is the purpose of this course, your summative will be teaching one lesson in the semester. You will have to create a lesson plan and discuss the date and subject matter with your host teacher. The teacher will fill out a small page and write notes about how well you did in the lesson.

"It is fairly straightforward and any extra information that you might need can be found on the desire2learn page for this course. To log in, you only need your student number and password if you log in through our school's website. If you find the web page for this course, there should be a portal link to desire2learn at the bottom of the page. The site also contains templates for lesson plans and a guide for the weekly logs.

"I hope that all of you enjoy your year this year. Also, since I can't take attendance for you in this course, there is a sign in sheet in the office for you to sign every day when you come to school. Don't forget or your attendance mark will drop. I hope that this explanation was fairly straightforward, however, if you have any questions, just come and ask me. I'll help you as much as I can. Don't forget about the weekly meetings. I will see all of you next week on Wednesday at this time with your first log and your host teachers names and classes. You are dismissed."

* * *

"Just how long was the meeting Allen? Was it really that important?" Krory asked

"Yeah. The teacher just explained about the course and what we have to do to get marks and stuff. She also told me which classes would be best for me based on my subjects, and told me which teachers I should talk to if I want to work with them." Allen said

"Oh really? Who are you supposed to talk to Allen?" Lenalee asked.

"Komui about his grade 9s, or Miss Mizuyabu about her grade 10s" Allen replied, staring at the floor. He was too anxious about having to talk to a teacher to even eat his lunch.

"Mizuyabu? Doesn't she teach dance? What subjects did you tell them?" Lenalee questioned

"I said Math, Science, and Music. Mizuyabu is teaching grade 9 Math this term. Her teaching subjects are dance and biology, but I guess since anyone can do grade 9 Math, especially if they've gone through high school in the academic program, as most teachers would have, they gave her the subject. Maybe they were short on teachers at this time this year. Anyways, Math is more important than dance, especially when this one is a required course." Allen explained

"Oh, I guess that makes sense." Lenalee said

"Say, are you going to eat your lunch Allen?" Krory asked, "You're always starving, and you haven't even looked at your food yet."

"Sorry, just not feeling to hot right now. Not hungry." Allen said.

"Well, you don't look so great. Do you think you need to see the nurse? Or do you want to go home?" Miranda asked. She had been so quiet, they'd almost forgotten about her.

"Maybe I'll ask the nurse for some Tylenol or Gravol or something. That's not a bad idea." Allen said. And not a bad way to get out of here and stop talking. "Bye. See you guys later." Allen put his lunch away, and headed towards the office. It's only a tablet. One tablet. I hate medicines, but I can do just one tablet. One tablet to get away from all these questions and people and talking. I really just can't deal with this right now.

* * *

Allen managed to convince the nurse that he didn't need any medicine. He looked like crap and felt like crap, so the nurse was a bit skeptical. Allen told her that all he really needed was some rest for a period or so, and she reluctantly agreed. After all, they couldn't just force students to take medicine. Allen laid himself down on the cot in nurse's office and closed his eyes, hoping for the anxiety to finally lessen.

Fortunately for Allen, it did a little bit. He was able to doze for a little while until he was disturbed by a familiar voice calling him softly.

"Allen? Allen? You awake?"

"I'm awake Komui. Why are you here?" Allen asked.

"I have a prep right now, and I heard that you weren't feeling so great. I figured I'd come and check up on you, that's all. I am your friend, after all." Komui replied.

Allen really didn't know how to respond to that. The concept of 'friend' was still one that he was struggling to understand correctly. "I'm okay, just tired. I guess it's affecting my health." Allen said, attempting to drop the subject.

Komui was a bit too smart for that. "So you look like you're dying and about to be sick just because you had a bad sleep last night. Is that what you're trying to get me to believe? Or is that just an excuse to make me believe what I want to hear so that I won't keep asking questions? Questions such as 'how did the Peer Tutoring meeting go?'"

Allen's stomach flipped at the mention of the meeting. The anxiety he'd felt before came back. Even though he was lying down with his eyes closed, the world still felt like it was spinning around him. "Shut up Komui, or I really will be sick." Allen requested.

"So I was right." Komui commented

"I said shut up!" Allen groaned, "Why don't you just go away."

"Because I care about you. I didn't mean to make you feel worse, I was just trying to get you to be honest. And to solve your problem, why don't you help out in my class? I bet my grade 9's would love to have you with us." Komui asked

"Stop talking to me right now." Allen warned, "I really can't handle this, please either leave or be quiet. Please."

"Why? What's wrong? Talk to me." Komui said

"No, just go away or shut up." Allen groaned again.

"Really Allen, what's the matter?" Komui asked, then saw the look on Allen's face.

Allen's face paled. He sat up and had to open his eyes as his stomach gave a nasty wrench. He grabbed the bowl beside the cot and choked out some snot-coloured bile.

"I told you to shut up." Allen whimpered miserably, "Why didn't you listen? I can't talk." Allen rinsed his mouth with some water that Komui had handed him and laid back down. "I just need some sleep."

"Alright then, if you insist." Komui surrendered, "But we will have to fix this anxiety problem of yours someday Allen. I'll be back when school's done to take you home. No objections, or Lenalee will have both of our heads on a plate."

Allen could only groan in response.

"I'm glad you feel the same." Komui stated.

"I have no control left in my life, do I?" Allen asked rhetorically

"Of course you do. Always. Never forget it, Allen." Komui said.

"Not talking to you." Allen responded.

"Fine. See you later then." Komui said as he walked out of the office. He was confused by Allen's last question to himself, and it seemed like a rather dark thing to say. He was concerned for the young boy, but there wasn't much he could do until Allen decided to talk about it. Or maybe he could get Allen to spill just like Allen had done to him? Well, Komui figured he didn't yet have the right to poke and prod since he still hadn't said anything about himself or his parents to Lenalee. He dreaded that thought. Komui still worried deeply for Allen.

Allen beat himself up mentally. How could he let that slip in front of Komui? That question was practically begging Komui to start marching into his business and asking unwanted and unnecessary questions. He really didn't want to have to deal with that when the time came, and he knew that it would eventually come. There was absolutely no way that this subject would be dropped, especially if the Lee's were involved. He just hoped that they wouldn't talk to Krory about it.

Speaking of Krory, Allen still hadn't talked to him about anything. He knew that Krory wanted to know and wanted to help him, but he just couldn't talk. He couldn't just admit everything that he'd been thinking and feeling over the last who knows how long. It was too tough. He just couldn't do it, and it made him feel even worse when he realized that he would probably soon have to, whether he likes it or not. Thinking about all of this just made him feel sick again.

He did his best to stop thinking about it. Allen cleared his mind and just focused on the black. The nice dark backs of his eyelids and the slow and calm in and out of his breathing. He heard his heart slow down and felt a few of his muscles begin to relax. Slowly and painfully, he let go of some of the tension that he held in his arms, shoulders, and core. The shoulders were especially painful since they were the first muscles to tense when he felt anxious. They were almost never relaxed.

Eventually, Allen was able to drift off into a light sleep, free from the worries that had followed him that day.

* * *

"Deja vu." a voice giggled.

"Lenalee, why?" Allen complained groggily. Lenalee had just woken him from his nap.

"You've been out for a couple of hours. I figured it was time to wake you up before you spent the night at the school." she replied.

"Oh, it's that late?" Allen asked

"Yes. And you're looking a little better too. I guess you were just a bit tired? Grade 11 must be really stressful, since it's only day two. Just like your grade nine year, you get sick and end up sleeping in the nurses office until a few hours after school's out. It's okay. Komui and I will take you home again, no worries." Lenalee smiled. She was happy to see him looking better. He'd looked absolutely awful at lunch.

"Y-You don't have to do that. I can get home by myself. It's okay." Allen said shakily as he tried to get up. His legs felt weak from the stress earlier, and the stress added now with Lenalee being here and mentioning the day he'd just had. He could hardly get to the doorway without the help of the wall.

"No, you clearly can't. Anyways, whether or not you _can_ make it home by yourself, we _will_ force you along with us. Komui won't crash the car. It'll be fine. Just let us drive you home. It's no trouble at all." Lenalee said a little forcefully, "Anyways, you're starting to lose your colour again."

Allen could feel the blood leaving his face as she spoke. He really hated relying on other people, especially those who considered him a friend, who he supposed he considered friends, and who wanted information from him. He knew that he should share and that he should talk, but reasoning doesn't go very far with an emotional brain. Nonetheless, Allen really couldn't do anything about it in his current state. He allowed Lenalee to help walk him to his locker.

"Thanks." He said, still afraid of the ride back to his house and all of the conversation that it would bring.

After grabbing his stuff, Allen and Lenalee headed out to meet Komui at the car. The ride back was mostly silent, with Komui and Lenalee making the occasional small talk about how their days had been. Allen preferred to stay silent and remained this way for the entire drive. Upon arriving at his house, he thanked them for the ride and for their generosity. Komui asked him if they could have a private chat on Friday, and All had had no choice but to agree. There was a much too concerned look in Komui's eyes to simply disagree. He said goodbye, waved, then immediately went upstairs and crashed in his bed. Oh how he wished that he could just sleep forever and never wake up. That would definitely be the best way to go. Allen was deeply asleep in less than ten minutes.

* * *

"Thank you, Lenalee." Komui said after they had waved goodbye to Allen and watched him go inside.

"What for, Komui? I'm just as worried as you are, and I know that Miranda is too." Lenalee said, her smile dipping downwards.

"I know you are. I just hope, for his sake, that it really is just a physical illness, even though I know otherwise." Komui said sadly.

"I agree. I wish that it were that easy to solve." Lenalee said.

"I just hope that he hasn't turned suicidal on us. Or if he has, I hope he remains passive. That boy has dealt with far too much, and he is far too loved by all of us. I wish that he could see that." Komui said.

"Miranda and I have been hoping the same thing. We were just afraid to mention it to you or Krory. But if we're thinking the same thing, that probably means that he is at least passive. I don't want it to get any worse. I wish we could show him just how much we care about him." Lenalee said

"I wonder what Krory thinks. After all, he is closer to Allen than any of us, although he is also probably the easiest to fool." Komui said.

"Maybe. We should probably talk to him too." Lenalee said.

"I think you're right." Komui said.

Some awkward silence followed. Neither of the siblings knew what to say to the other after this subject. Finally, Komui cleared his throat and started to speak.

"You know Lenalee," Komui gulped nervously, "you've asked me about our parents before. I thought you might like to know that they loved you very much, and when they thought that something bad might influence their little girl, they made absolutely sure that you would keep away from the influence. They loved you very much and only wanted the best for you." Komui tried to swallow the lump in his throat that formed as he told her about their parents. It still hurt, and he hoped that his voice didn't come out too gravelly or croaky to give away his feelings.

Komui felt a hand on his arm. The muscles twitched reflexively, but only slightly. He didn't remove the hand. "Thank you for telling me, brother. I'll always love you, you know that right? No matter what, you can always count on that." Lenalee said, small tears pricking at her eyes.

"Yeah, I know." Komui said as he let the small comfort briefly relieve him of the traumas he'd experienced.

* * *

Long time, no update, but here it is! I told you I wouldn't give up on this story. Anyways, leave a review if you are so inclined. Thanks for reading!

Till next time

- Shippo704


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